Dear Rod!

Your columns are usually so helpful, but today’s one gives me an idea. You seem to think that ‘unplanned pregnancies’ should not be terminated and that it is OK for someone to ‘go it alone’. I won’t even say what I think of that but will seriously make my request.

Please will you take over the financing of the third pregnancy of my ‘host child from Child Welfare’? I paid for her schooling and she fell pregnant and had complications, including blood pressure and hypersalivation, that prevented her from attending school. We were just thinking of sending her back to school when she fell pregnant again. Now I have had her working at a crèche where she got free meals and schooling for her pigeon pair, and I have just supplemented her income as she and her children need many hospital visits etc. She has given up work because of this latest pregnancy. She has been told to accept that in her culture the men will run around and have many girlfriends and children. The new boyfriend says his granny will take over the baby once it is born if it can be proved to be his. So all you might have to do in six months time is get the DNA tests done, or else you might have to carry on paying for this child as well as the other two. In the meantime she is very expensive as she and the children do not eat porridge (it makes them sick) or drink soup as it gives them diarrhoea! The children are very upset about having to stop attending the creche.

The school to which she wants to send them is the one featured in our papers as having 150 children in one classroom, and she will need you to pay for them, as well as make up to her for the income she has lost by being too sick to go to work. And there are the dental extractions she needs that the hospital apparently refuses to do, so you will have to pay privately. Soon the daughter will be old enough to join the other girls sitting dozing at the desks and puking in the playground before producing more unplanned pregnancies. Just the thought of it makes me realise I can’t afford this pregnancy and hope that you can.

Regards,
NS

“Pssssst.”

“Who’re you ‘pssssst-ing’ at?”

“You. It not like there’s anyone else in here.”

“I was just checking.”

“You think we going to make it?”

“Mmmmm. Touch and go I’d say, from everything I’ve read.”

“You believe everything you read?”

“Well, why not? I’m not jaded, yet.”

“Is that you thumping?”

“Here you go blaming me again. She’s at the coffee shop. We always get a bit of a thump when she’s in here. Café Mocha does that to people.”

“Put that out.”

“Who me? I’m not smoking. It’s that guy she hangs out with. He smokes around pregnant women.”

“Well it’s reaching me and I don’t like it.”

“Put your hand over you mouth.”

“It doesn’t reach.”

“Pssssst.”

“Is that you ‘Pssssst’-ing again?”

“Get back to what we were saying. What’s going to happen to us if she, you know, isn’t glad we’re in here? What if she makes a choice and, you know, we are not in it?”

“We go back. Silly.”

“Back? Where to? Don’t ‘silly’ me,”

“Don’t tell me you forgot already. We go back to where we came from. You know, the Beautiful Place. The Big Place. There’s no rejection there remember?”

“No. I don’t remember.”

“That’s what they said. They said we wouldn’t remember, but I can still remember some things. Although I’ll admit my memory is slowly fading. I am having a fetus moment.”

“Wait a minute; I remember the gift shop. The day we got loaded with talents and gifts and dreams and ambitions and every good thing. I remember when we were chosen for each other. I remember when we were chosen, both of us, for her. Wow! I remember it all so clearly now. It is all coming back. They said we’d have a place to live and grow and discover everything. They said that although we’d feel far away from the Big Place They’d always be very near to us. Remember they said we’d be very useful and creative and deeply loved every day until our return no matter how we were welcomed on Earth or not.”

“Settle down, you are getting a little hyper. Can you remember if they said it was safe?”

“No. It’s not safe. I remember distinctly. Exciting yes. Safe? No. They said we’d not like it to be too safe. It’s a human thing you know. Humans like a lot of adventure and thrill and risk. Speaking for myself, I cannot wait.”

“Well, you have to. We’re in this together and we get out together.”

“Is that you gulping? Do you think you could respect my boundaries a little? You’re on my side.”

“Hey, you’re a little young to be doing that. Choosing sides and all that.”

“You know what I’m looking forward to? Diapers. I’m tired of swimming around here naked, in front of you.”

“You’re thinking about diapers. Hey, this is life and death stuff. We’re in a womb for goodness sake. This is a danger zone if ever I knew one and you’re looking forward to wearing diapers?”

“Let’s agree on something?”

“What’s that?”

“Whatever choice she makes. However it pans out, let’s stick together.”

“If we get out of here alive I’m telling you now, I’m never going to a coffee shop.”

“And I am never going to smoke.”

“You think she going to want us?”

“I don’t know. I hope so. There’s so much to do out there. So much to see. If she doesn’t want us I hope she’ll hang in there and give us to someone who does.”

“Hey, I have another question.”

“What is that?”

“Are we in an American womb?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Well I heard a lot of stories about that.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t remember.”

“I need advice about terminating or continuing a pregnancy after a one-night event. I am single. I want the child and will take total responsibility for the child. The man, who has told his parents, is distraught and wants it terminated. I am so confused. He says it will ruin his and his family’s life, even though I will never make any demands on him. Please reply urgently.”

Congratulations. What a joy.

While there are unplanned pregnancies there are no absolutely unplanned people. While this is uniquely your decision, I hope you choose against termination.

Your child will have a mission to embrace and a unique place in the world no matter what the circumstances of the pregnancy. He or she will enhance your life (and the life of his or biological father and the extended families each of you have) if you will simply allow him or her a legitimate place in your world.

That the father and his family are distraught is not sufficient reason to terminate. You have everything you need to do this alone. Go ahead, and if possible, keep his name off the birth certificate.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, has enriched my life more than the two “unplanned pregnancies” who I am about to wake up and send off to school.

“I read the letter from the man saying that putting his spouse and family above his career is impossible. I am the sole breadwinner in my home. I have been working at a company for several years now and my salary is lower than it was when I joined them. I am told on a regular basis that the job I am currently doing does not warrant the salary I am being paid and they can get someone to do my job for half the salary. They keep adding responsibilities for which I earn not a cent extra. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. If I complain they will find a way of reducing my salary. If I keep quiet they will continue to abuse me. There are some days that I don’t say three sentences to my spouse. I empathise with your reader and his concerns about providing for his family. I am doing what I do to put a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, clothes on our backs. I know that you are 100% correct in your response but unfortunately in the South Africa’s working world many are battling to keep heads above water.”

Thank you. It is clear I am out of touch with how abusive some work environments can be.

“You said career comes after spouse and family. With my job that is impossible. My family has to make sacrifices of time with me for my work. You have no idea how demanding some jobs can be and they take a man away from his family.”

Sir, I’d say, given the opportunity, the same thing to the leaders of nations. If you can’t do both, you probably are not qualified for your choice of work. I’d suggest a man who is qualified, will be able to hold onto both his family and his job.

One of the severest tests of emotional wellbeing rests in the capacity to remain appropriately intimate with those whom we love while also pursuing what it means to provide for our families.

This is of course as true for men as it is for women.

Monday: clarify priorities / self-care trumps all. Then come spouse, children, and extended family. Last place is career. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to give of your best to anyone. If you place career above family there might come a day when you have neither career nor family. If your career is so demanding you have no time for your family then you are probably not equipped for your job. If you are emotionally ready for any work, in any field (and I’d say this is applicable to the President of the USA as much as it is to any person), you will be able to prioritize your work and home life so your career does not ruin your family.

Tuesday: express heartfelt gratitude. Let people know that you know you are not “self-made.” Acknowledge those upon whose shoulders you stand.

Wednesday: exercise generosity. Give something away. Pay for a stranger’s meal. Tip excessively. Leave sincere compliments everywhere you go.

Thursday: serve others. Find ways to empower those around you both at work and at home.

Friday: determine to have a face-to-face Friday. Come home unexpectedly early after work. Switch off your phone, computer, and television for 24 hours. Play board games with the people in your home rather than play on-line games with strangers whom it is unlikely you will ever meet.

Saturday: increase commitment to intimacy. Spend several hours with your spouse or significant other talking about matters each of you might have avoided in the past (recent or distant).

Sunday: rest, read, and play.

“My husband rarely gives me any affection. I can count the times that we have kissed in our marriage. I spend so many nights alone while he spends time on the computer or at work. It is unlikely that he is involved with anyone else but he has fallen out of love with me. I know we are very different in our personalities, but he has been escaping from financial stresses and delving into the fantasy game world for way too long. I have gone on with my life and have started to pursue with passion my love for music. I’ve joined a band and have accepted a challenging career. I have learned to cope with a man who is not affectionate and have examined myself to see what I have contributed in all of this. A wise friend of mine said, that God fixes the less obvious problems first in our life. While we’re so focused on the major problem such as our husband, God wants to work on us.”

Sounds like you have a plan and are implementing it. Your commitment to your future will empower you whether your marriage works out or not.

“As a child I used to think that if my parents loved me, they would give up drinking. It seemed logical. I remember being a part of an unsuccessful intervention at 7 or 8 that was initiated by an aunt. The interventionist coached me the day before, and, at the intervention, I was asked to read my letter. It mostly consisted of a lot of tears and, ‘I just don’t want you to drink anymore.’ I remember being so scared by this ‘adult’ problem that affected so many people in my life. I couldn’t grasp that they were willing to choose alcohol over their own lives. Now that I’m an adult with my own addictions, those memories are enough that I never want to have kids. I would never willingly put a child through that torture, and I don’t trust myself enough to think that I could avoid the same scenario.” (Minimal edits)

I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous hands down over “interventions.” People do what they want to do or feel compelled to do what they don’t want to do – and, until “rock bottom” is reached, not even a letter from a son or daughter is likely to help. A line in the film “Prince of Tides” that goes something like, “Our parents drink and we spend our whole lives with the hangover.”