September 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
Pass it on if you find it helpful
of relationships (issues, concerns) that do not directly involve you. Your spouse’s relationship with your parents (your husband’s relationship with your son) does not involve you. It is close to you, and it has an impact on you but you are not part of it!
Resist speaking for others, explaining people to each other or being “communication central” within your family. Allow people to speak for themselves and to speak to each other without your help. Your spouse will not learn to speak to the children if you keep on doing it for your spouse.
Extricate yourself from unnecessary binds (inappropriate loyalties) by refusing to harbor secrets and gossip even with your best of friends.
Get beyond blame. Take full responsibility for your life and every aspect of your life. While you may have had a lousy childhood (or a drunken parent, or a verbally abusive grandmother) you are now an adult who has, despite the failings of your nurturers, to embrace life to the full.
Forgive everyone for everything – it’s a whole lot easier than accumulating grudges.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries |
4 Comments »
September 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for two years and we have had a constant battle about how often we visit my parents. My husband put in place his rules of ‘creating appropriate distance’ with fortnightly visits, which are often pushed to visits every fourth week. I thought we’d visit both sets of parents weekly but that idea was quickly terminated. It is really hard. My husband is a bit of a control freak because he used to tell me that I should behave like someone’s wife instead of someone’s daughter! I am just sick of this childishness. If he loved me, he would make the effort that is required every couple of weeks for my sake and stop creating ‘rules’ that just apply to my family.” (Edited)
I’d suggest you visit your family at will, and, having extended to your husband an opportunity to join you, if he refuses, proceed alone. Do not be his press secretary = direct questions regarding his absence to him. Persist in this manner and you will be behaving as a wife and daughter! While your husband will probably not “get it” (“adolescent men” seldom do) your determination to avoid his control will do your husband and marriage a wonderful service.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, In-laws |
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August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
8 Comments »
August 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
My husband’s ex-wife seems to take their divorce lightly. There is a need for communication because of my step-daughter, however, she has become almost “too friendly” with me. For instance, she will call me up and say, “How is my ex-husband?” She is also cultivating an affection towards our kids, which makes it feel like she wants to create a psuedo family – that is, be divorced, but be a part of the entire system. In some ways, it is very difficult because it looks like it’s in the spirit of what is best for my step-daughter, yet it is quite awkward. It seems as if she (ex-wife) is needy and has definite boundary issues. I don’t know how to broach it – my husband simply ignores and detatches from her, but I don’t want her to feel rejected. We have common events to attend, not to mention friends from the same circle. Any insight would be appreciated.
ROD’S REPLY: Your husband “ignores and detaches” from his ex-wife and you “don’t want her to feel rejected” but SHE is the one with the boundary issues! I’d suggest the “entire system” (of which she IS a part) could use a boundary tune up. I challenge you both to sit down with her at a venue other than your home and define your marital boundaries so she might reassess how to mother a daughter as one who is divorced from her daughter’s father. Resist blaming this woman for boundary issues when you have hardly done much better at it yourself.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
July 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
Q: About six months ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with my wife and said exactly this, “I have done things during our marriage that if you knew about them, you would leave me.” She paused then said, “Whatever it is I forgive you.” This is the actual conversation that took place. She did not ask for specifics or details. What would you make of this?
A: Fall on your knees and express your gratitude to God for such a wife. She sounds remarkably healthy, a woman who is fully aware that your behavior is about you, and expresses everything about the kind of man you are. Be grateful too, that having found for yourself a greater degree of honesty, you probably have a more stable and a healthier marriage than you once had. Your wife apparently knows, from the little information that I have, that re-hashing the details of the things you have done would be hurtful to her and an unhealthy re-enactment for you, while not making one iota of helpful difference to the future you will share.
(Submitted from Melbourne, Australia)
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Voice |
1 Comment »
July 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
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May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
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is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
April 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: I believe I am slowly dying. My partner permanently believes every outing, whether to work or business, is a sex one. She has carried on like this for ten years but it is getting worse. Sometimes, when I return from outside, she shouts, barges me down and even hit me. Other times, she drives me back out, and I would have to negotiate my way through neighbors to get back in. She denies me keys and facilities and abuses me, curses me, and calls me names. If I dare call friends and family she will say all sorts of unprintable things. She has even threatens to harm herself if I am not careful, and will say I did it. The only time she is at peace with me is when I sit at home for hours on end. I have suggested therapy, but this has resulted into more abuses. Getting out seems an option but I am in the middle of an academic program and that could be distracting. Please help. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Response: Until you are prepared to make drastic changes in your behavior, your partner will have no reason to improve her behavior. This unusual dance must be rewarding you in some manner. Why else would you endure such bizarre behavior?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
3 Comments »
April 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: My mother died recently after a long illness. People I hardly know want to be told every little detail about her final months. I do not feel comfortable talking about this with anyone apart from immediate family or close friends. These virtual strangers say to me: “What’s wrong with you? You have to share your grief.” Is there anything wrong with wanting privacy at this time?
ROD’S RESPONSE: Your grief is your business. You decide how you will (or will not) handle your loss and with whom you will share it. I’d suggest you inform “interested” (inquisitive) strangers that you will willingly remain out of their personal affairs and you’d prefer similar treatment in return.
Posted in Boundaries, Grief |
1 Comment »
March 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend has two girls who run right over her and she does nothing about it. The part that upsets me is that she will tell them that if they do something she is going to discipline them and they do it anyway and no action is taken. They get away with things time after time. I was raised totally differently and got what was coming to me. Another thing that angers me is their constant whining. They are used to getting whatever they want. I love my girlfriend but this is an issue that keeps us from growing. Her family and friends all think I am wrong with my beliefs and that she is right. Well society sees it my way when they are being brats in a public place. It gets to the point where I just want to knock their heads off and hers. (Letter edited)
Rod responds: Get help for your anger, Sir, before you find yourself in trouble. These children are not going away. The sooner you try to build a positive rapport with them the better. Trying to love, please, discipline, guide, and earn a living, for two little girls, is probably tough enough for your girlfriend. Adding an angry lover into mix must make it unbearable.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries |
2 Comments »
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