March 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
Please, pass this on...
To the woman who doesn’t understand her boyfriend’s need for “space”:
I’d suggest that when the relationship began it got too hot (too close, too intense, too everything) too soon. Once a little dust settled, what was intense and powerful feels just as powerfully suffocating.
When you want to know where he is, what he’s thinking, who he’s with and what he’s doing, all of the time, your best intentions of wanting to “be together even while we are apart” feel like suspicion, even if you are not the “suspicious type” and there is nothing to suspect.
Even if he is not phoning anyone you don’t know, or if he is not sending text messages to women he hardly knows, he still doesn’t want you to check his phone or phone bill. Some things are simply none of your business even if you are in a “committed” relationship.
Wanting, occasionally, to be with his friends and family without you is not a sign of his disrespecting you or of hiding anything, it is simply a natural desire people have to sometimes be in social and family settings where they can relax and not have to attempt to take care of the overwhelming needs of a high-maintenance girlfriend.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Reactivity, Recovery, Space, Voice |
8 Comments »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
March 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend’s children are rude and get whatever they want from her. They are thankless and demanding. This is a woman I love and I am trying hard to help her with being a single mom. I was raised with strong discipline and my dad was never afraid to give us a good hiding. I think I should step in and give her children their limits. She says I better not touch them. This makes no sense. She can’t handle them and won’t let me do it. This is going to be what causes us to break up. Please help.
Chime in, please...
I’d suggest you do not, under any circumstances, resort to any form of physical punishment with the children. You are correct: this issue will probably result in the breakup of your relationship. Interfering in pre-existing relationships will almost always get a person in trouble. I’d suggest that you try to accept that your girlfriend will inevitably side with her children (over siding with you) even if the children are “demanding and thankless.” While we’d all prefer to live in a world where children were less-demanding and filled with appropriate gratitude, these are not values that you, the outsider, will be able to impart.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation |
22 Comments »
March 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Order it now... link on the right
“My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore last August. I knew it was because of another woman. It escalated from text messages, chats, and emails between them. It was so out of his character and so I blamed myself. We went to a church counselor and it completely saved our marriage. I have him back after six months of a woman bugging him to death. She’s a single mom who has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband. Now we are pregnant by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor, things can get better. I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It changed my life and how I act towards my husband. There’s hope for people who think life has no hope. I’m a living example!” (Letter edited)
Rod’s Comment: Family preservation and restoration are causes for celebration. Congratulations. You helped turn a tough and hurtful situation into one that has made you stronger. While I am not familiar with the Schlessinger book I am pleased it assisted you. I strongly recommend couples also read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Connection.”
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Recovery |
33 Comments »
March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
March 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: Mine is an action-packed story of a marriage of 30 years. It has yielded wonderful children and grand children. Outwardly we are a normal, peaceful family. However, unnoticed by all, was an unfortunate and stressful issue of a wife, who experienced a hormone imbalance issue, which culminated her entertaining several extra marital affairs. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these actions were more an issue of once-off gratification.The mental trauma was indeed very difficult to bear, but some how, for the sake of family unity, all was put to rest and never discussed. I’m finding this whole issue extremely stressful and uncomfortable thoughts of the past flash through my mind. I am finding that my thoughts appear to be sparked off by the lack of an active sex life. At this stage in life, these pleasures of life have dried up for me. Was it my fault? Is it too late for me to get this relationship back on the high road?
ROD’S REPLY: Your moving letter suggests there is much hope for you. In the same manner as I have recruited local experts in areas of teen-suicide, drug addiction and other human maladies, I hereby request a local sex therapist to contact me, that I might put the reader in touch with face-to-face professional help.
For further and excellent reading on love and marriage and relationships in general go to www.lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery |
2 Comments »
March 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My parents divorced when my sister and I were very young. My mum had many relationships that did not last. She is now 60 and very bitter. She appreciates nothing and tells us that we owe her everything for sacrificing her whole life for us. We provide financially for her and try and take her out often, but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. We try our best for her while still keeping it together with our families, jobs, and lives. My sister and I are at our wits ends. She told us for years what terrible children we are. Recently in one of her many outbursts, she told us to forget we have a mother. We are trying to honour her as children should, but she turns every opportunity into an abuse session. How do we handle this ongoing situation without over compensating to our own detriment?
ROD’S RESPONSE: You are no longer children. Honouring your mother will involve steadfastly refusing to be manipulated. Playing into her self-pity will only cause it to grow. Define yourself. Decide, with your respective spouses, what you will and will not do, according to your immediate families’ needs. Allowing your mother to drain you in this manner serves neither you nor your children well.
Further readings… see: www.RichardMcChurch.wordpress.com
Posted in Boundaries, Communication |
1 Comment »
March 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: “I have an unusual question. My husband of some 30 years never calls me by anything – other husbands either call their wives by their first names or they use terms like ‘honey.’ If I am wanted on the phone, he will just say, ‘It’s for you.’ Is there any deep psychological reason why he never calls me anything? I find when friends say, ‘Beth, will you etc…,” it makes me feel warm towards them. I call him by his name. Obviously, there are other issues in the marriage. I was curious to know about this particular one.”
ROD’S RESPONSE: I am sure there are mental health professional who will “unpack” or interpret your husband’s behavior and what it might have been that has led you to be nameless in the eyes of your closest companion. I’d tend to ask you what it is about you that you have permitted yourself to be nameless for so long!
Ask your husband to call you by name and ignore him when he talks to you as if you do not have one.
Enabled behaviors tend to persist. Be nice about it and simply tell him what you’d prefer. I’d take this route before I’d suggest you go on a hunt through his potentially fragile inner-being.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)
Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice |
38 Comments »
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