May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband had an ‘emotional affair’ with a girl from work. I was suffering post-natal depression and the affair started when he leant on her for support. I was the one who could have done with his support. Nothing physical happened but it almost ended our marriage. Every time he switched his phone on he had messages from her and she would ring him on his way home from work even though they had been on lunch together and seen each other all day. I eventually found him at her house – when he was supposed to be out on business. I told him it had to stop. He said they had become really close. It nearly destroyed me. My husband and I had always been extremely close. This girl knew exactly what she was doing. In the end I told him he had to choose. He chose me and we are still together. He still works with her and it still haunts me now. It caused me an unbearable amount of pain especially given we had such a young child.”
Greater depths of intimacy with someone other than the spouse spells trouble. Taking a stand on your part paid off. It almost always does. Congratulations.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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May 5, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. I will not panic.
2. There are probably many options I have not considered.
3. How I respond to this will be more important than the issue itself.
4. This is not about specific people; rather it is about the environment I have allowed to develop between or among us.
5. No matter how tough things get I will not resort to lies, making others the scapegoat for any issues.
6. I will enter every conflict with the intention of facing and resolving problems and forgiving my foes.
7. I will enter tough meetings or conflicted circumstances with a spirit of humility, a desire to be a healing presence, and a set of possible solutions.
8. I will promote love and understanding, even at the expense of appearing weak or appearing “wrong”.
9. I will attempt to listen more than I talk.
10. I will not resort to insulting or humiliating others in order to support my position or strengthen my case.
11. I will be responsible for myself, and responsible to and not for others.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)
You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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April 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
Begin now, today, to be the kind of woman you want to become in the future:
1. Stand up for yourself without pushing anyone else over. Speak your mind. Say what you want to say. See what you see. Say what you see you see.
2. Be your own “virus protection” program by keeping the “bad” out and let the good in. Bad: gossip, unfriendliness, rudeness, lies, unnecessarily excluding others. Good: standing up for what is right, good, and just, being “open” and not “closed” to others, being welcoming and friendly to more than just your closest friends.
3. Decide to be a kind and good person even when you see people being mean to others.
4. Choose to be an agent of healing when others are hurt.
5. Don’t surrender your power to anyone – it is always yours to foster, protect, and use, first for your own good, then for the good of others.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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April 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
You, me, us -- walking the talk
1. You do all you can to avoid keeping him or her waiting, but neither of you gets bothered in the event you are kept waiting. Healthy people use “alone time” really well. In fact, they treasure it.
2. You keep short accounts, if you keep accounts at all. Healthy people are quick to forgive and to move on in the wake of conflicts and misunderstandings.
3. You sometimes, but not always, invite others to the party. You friendships are open and inviting and you want to share your best friends with many other people.
4. You can keep a confidence and you both understand the difference between a confidence and gossip. A confidence is what two people tell each other, about each other. All the rest is gossip!
5. You are made MORE you because of the friendship – you feel no need to tread softly, to minimize who and what you are, to be less, so as to not hurt your friend’s feelings.
6. You stay in touch during the week but do not interpret silence as rejection.
7. You are careful not to confuse attention or anxiety with love. Being loved by someone is not the same as having all of his or her attention, or seeing his or her anxiety spike every time you are upset or in need. It is possible to love someone and not be totally focused upon him or her or even worry about him or her.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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April 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’ve just ended a five-year affair with a married man. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years. There were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about. The intimacy was unbelievable and we became soul mates. He took photos of me and sent them to my husband. I want to stop this, to get rid of this. I want to live happy life with my husband and make my child happy. Please advise.” (Edited grammar only)
Your anger is misdirected.....
Presumably your husband will have to decide if he desires to continue to remain married. If he does, afford him extended time to vent his understandably angry feelings. Expect mistrust. Expect him to second-guess your every move. Unraveling deceit; exchanging it with trust – is no cakewalk.
Having come clean with your husband, some freedom and happiness might emerge in a few months, but it is likely to be years before the ramifications of your infidelity will sufficiently fade to render you totally free.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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April 14, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am getting too close to a man at work. He is a level higher than me although I do not report to him. We started meeting randomly at lunch and then he suggested we go to another place to eat where no one from work goes. This has been very exciting for me. He says he needs a person and a place to let off steam and to help him think straight. He’s been very honest about his wife and his children and his marriage. Is it okay for me to be his listening ear or am I treading on dangerous ground? His wife doesn’t know about me.” (Edited)
While this man is being dishonest with his wife, he cannot be “really honest” with you. I’d suggest you stop meeting him and being his listening ear. His first port of call to let off steam and to help him think straight is his wife – not a co-worker and one over whom he holds some indirect rank. If he can’t confide in his wife, confiding in you will only lead each of you into professional and domestic complications that will serve neither of you well. Tell him it is over – you do not need to explain yourself. He already knows he’s walking on thin ice.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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April 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My mother is a financial drain. She gambles all her money every week and then expects me to pay her accounts and give her more money. Then she talks to everyone about what a bad daughter I am if I refuse. I am not rich but now I have to pay for her fancy phone and for her cigarettes because she lost on the horses and machines. She thinks I should be treating her just as if she was one of my children. She says that I am more generous to my children than I am to her. What do you think I should do?” (Edited)
If you feed it, it will grow....
– she’s probably spent years and years developing her wasteful routines and her circle of enablers. I have little doubt that she can “play” you and the guilt-card quite effectively and that you oscillate between feeling anger for her wastefulness and guilt when you refuse.
The art of polite and firm refusal can be learned – and I’d suggest you learn it. Every penny that goes from you to her simply makes her problem harder for her to solve.
Eat with her – so you know she is not going without food – but give her no money.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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April 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something, then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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