June 19, 2011
by Rod Smith
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $49.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY and via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
June 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I met my husband when his children were 3 and 7. I thought that I would learn to love someone else’s child and that it would just take time to bond. We are now married with a child of our own. Their biological mom is and has always been trouble and does nothing but try to put both my husband and me down in the kids eyes. The kids are sweet and loving but I still find it hard to bond to them. It’s always ‘my mommy this’ and ‘my mommy that’ and it makes it hard to bond. At times I want it to be me and my child and husband. I know how this sounds but seriously can you tell me I must immediately love and like everyone just because they happen to be smaller. I am not a bad or evil person I simply dislike having to be caring and attentive to another person’s child when I get none of the reward. They will always love their mother more and that’s the way it should be, but I can only take so much rejection. Eventually my heart turns off and I am left wondering why I thought being a step parent would be great.”
Blending families is one of the most difficult relational challenges humans face. Everyone in the family faces difficulties, even the children.
If you feel “unrewarded” you might want to reconsider some of your expectations. Any awards ceremony may only occur, if it ever does, when the children become adults and they reflect that you were a non-possessive, non-anxious, steady presence in their lives at time when their lives had been hit by several large blows all seemingly accosting them at the same time.
So, hold off on expecting much reward. It’s not that you won’t be rewarded; it’s that expecting it in itself suggests you might want to realign the understanding of your role.
Asking young children to love (embrace, accept) a stepmother without feeling disloyalty to their biological mother is asking children to do emotional acrobatics that most adults could not do.
If you want your “new” family to survive the continued presence of his “old” family, then I’d suggest you do not make too much of the distinction. “Us” and “them” doesn’t bode well for any human community let alone a blended family. Also, stay out of being the front line of discipline for “his” children: messing with invisible loyalties is a sure fire way to detonate the anger abiding already in the family system.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Triangles |
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June 14, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My son and his wife are in a constant battle with his ex-wife and her family. They want the grandchildren ALL the time and seem to never think of their new family as really part of the children. I hardly know my new step-grandchildren but I’d rather that than step into the middle of the battle for time with the children. Should I be working harder to get to know these children so they will know me one day or should I just let things be as they are for now?”
It's a fine line......
If there are already tensions regarding who the children ought to know and visit then I’d suggest you follow your intuition which suggest you remain out of the tug-of-war.
Children will readily pick up on surrounding stresses and tensions and will ultimately use them to their benefit – and not necessarily to the benefit of the adults who use the children as bargaining chips.
Stay out of conflicts that do not directly involve you. Your daughter and her husband are presumably adult enough to represent themselves in their own battles.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 13, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My ex-husband is very irresponsible when it comes to finances even thought he earns more money than I do. He comes to me to lend him money all the time. I try to budget well so I feel bad to say no. But what hurts is that he also comes in and out of my house like it is his. He will come over and sit and watch a movie when he supposed to be ‘visiting’ the children. How do I set the boundaries in terms of my space and not having to worry about his financial problems, as we no longer married? He chose to be with someone else rather than stay and fix the marriage.”
Stop the supply.....
Your ex-husband will take advantage of your home and finances and invade your boundaries for as long as you permit it.
Stop the supply. Bolt (metaphorically) your doors. Cut the ties. Have the children meet or see him outside of your home. Quit being his mother, his Mother Theresa, and the one who enables his stunted development.
No problem is ever solved if you keep feeding it.
That he asks you for anything is not a sign of love, or hope, and nor is it a suggestion that anything might be mended in the future. His behavior confirms that he has failed to grow up. He will take advantage of anyone who will cooperate with his selfish ways.
Get over “feeling bad” – the man feels nothing for you. He will not starve if you don’t supply. If the man can leave his wife and children for another woman believe me he’ll find another supply-line when you stop yours up.
Every penny you give him enables his parasitic ways.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships |
3 Comments »
June 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
Teamwork is not easy
A highly functioning team, school, church, or organization:
1. Sticks with an essential, identified, agenda.
2. Knows why it was formed and why it continues to exist.
3. Knows what it wants to accomplish and can measure its progress.
4. Values individuals, values the “whole” without losing sight of either.
5. Regularly articulates group and individual roles, goals, and dreams.
6. Discourages rescuing (saving) behavior among team members.
7. Encourages necessary conflict.
8. Encourages internal dialogue and negotiation, yet sets limits on each.
9. Addresses gossip, rumor mongering, and other group destroyers and cancers.
10. Plays as hard as it works.
11. Acknowledges necessary hierarchy without being driven or defined by it.
12. Encourages “downward mobility” or authentic power gained through service.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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May 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
Live fully now, while you can.
(Condensed)
Family trauma leaves unique hand prints. Some people appear to rise above the past and refuse to engage in the errors of their parents. Others perpetuate conflict for generations.
I believe an important component you can now offer is an honest, on-going conversation with your children with these interlaced themes:
1. I regret things were as they were.
2. I acknowledge you did not contribute to our conflicts in any manner (adults are responsible for adult conflict).
3. Our conflicts need not be part of your future.
4. Your future does not have to be marred by your difficult past.
The greater lesson you will be able to impart will come from your living fully. When you take up the fullness of your daily life you will teach your children that a healthy life can emerge from the pain of a difficult past.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 29, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My son at 7 seemed fine – he was articulate, self-assured, and mature beyond his years. In the classroom his frustration and anxiety would build. His preschool teacher had commented on his anxiety. His kind teacher wondered whether his hearing had been tested. By first grade he started hating himself for not being able to do what a bright boy should. When my son became more and more anxious, I knew there was an underlying cause. A developmental pediatrician congratulated me on being so astute. My son had a sub-type of ADHD. When he started medication the difference was astounding. At 3pm he’d jump into the car and actually had a spring in his step, instead of the exhausted slump. On medication, he’d jump into the car and ask how I was! Then he would animatedly chat about his day and share all the wonderful and interesting happenings of the day with me. It was astonishing. His reading rate increased by 2 years within 6 months, and then another 2 the next 6 months. My little boy was transformed from a sad, despondent, anxious little boy to a positive, enthusiastic, confident little man. Three psychologists and one GP said my son did not have ADHD but my gut feeling told me otherwise.”
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Family, Parenting/Children, Single parenting |
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May 26, 2011
by Rod Smith
Open your eyes to the miracles around you....
1. You
woke up this morning.
2. You have the opportunity to
love and to be generous to all whom you meet.
3. You have the
ability to forgive those who have offended or hurt you.
4. You have the ability to
spread goodwill and kindness through simple acts of friendliness.
5. You are
uniquely gifted and talented and can end your day (or week, year, decade) having made your unique mark of blessing on the world.
6. You can
plan for a spectacular future even if your past has been troublesome.
7. You can
strategize and implement simple (or complex) acts of kindness towards those who least expect it from you – especially toward those with whom you have had conflict.
8. You can
practice radical acts of hospitality by washing the feet of those who have rejected or despised you.
9. You can
live without blaming anyone for anything and, in so doing, be a significant catalyst in your own unfolding freedom
10. You can
show up, stand up, speak up, with grace and humility and, in so doing, become part of the solution to the problems in the world rather than remain a part of its many problems.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 25, 2011
by Rod Smith
Affairs seduce you away from REAL love
Your thoughts about “your” married man (he’s no more yours than is the man in the moon) and your husband, expressed in yesterday’s column, are a fine illustration of three things:
1. Love, and the illusion of it, often makes a person blind. You appear unaware that every time you are together he, whom you claim has never lied to you or led you on, is lying to you. That he is lying to his wife (with whom he has a covenant and legally recorded relationship) means he can as readily lie to you (with whom he has no legal relationship at all). You are duping each other no matter how well you dress it up in your head.
2. It’s next to impossible to convince the already convinced. It is unlikely you will take any guidance very seriously while you believe this “love” has come “knocking” to teach you something worth learning. Improving your skills at ducking, diving, hiding, and lying never led anyone to deeper intimacy, more openness, greater warmth, and appropriate vulnerability.
3. The human mind is capable of gigantic twists to rationalize its dilemmas. It is a crock to think this “love” is teaching you to better love others while you are at the same time deceiving these very same people.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
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