Archive for ‘Boundaries’

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May 21, 2011

He says she’s jealous. Let’s help him out. Please comment…..

by Rod Smith

My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:

* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.

* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Sarah!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Sarah for about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.

* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.

* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I love this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that play fighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.

* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said, “hey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.

I could go on.

My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.

It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel like I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.

For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.

But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.

My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.

To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundaries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!

Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Trust, Victims | 6 Comments »

May 17, 2011

He says it is just a friendship…..

by Rod Smith

“I discovered my husband is involved with another woman. He says it is just a friendship. He speaks to her on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a day and texts her a few times a day including in the evenings before we go to bed. All the calls and texts are done secretly. He promised to stop these but he hasn’t. She says she loves him and doesn’t want to lose him. He says that he loves me and does not want to hurt me or break up our marriage. He does not want anything to change but has said he would be happier if things were more open. He refuses to stop the relationship or even cut down on the contact.”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life as an act of LOVE

If this is “just a friendship” it would require no secrecy and you could be part of every encounter at every level.

Your husband is making powerful choices that are apparently dismissive of your long-term place in his life. It is time for you to make your own set of choices about whether you are willing to share your husband or not.

Gather your community or trusted friends, let them in at every level, and then act on your own behalf – whatever you determine that to be.

Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

May 15, 2011

A word to daughters……

by Rod Smith

Four things to chat about over tea

Parents please teach your daughters:

1. You never have to shrink, soft-pedal, or sell yourself short, in order to secure a loving, lasting relationship. Any potential partner that is threatened by the power of your personality or the breadth of your talent is not worth your time or investment. Move on.

2. You do not have to give up your dreams, talents, desires, and skills in exchange for a loving relationship. The potential partner who is man enough to love you will amplify your dreams, talents, and skills. He will do nothing at all to try and silence you. This is to be especially noted in religious circles – flee communities that silence women.

3. You do not have to hide your imperfections or pretend they do not exist. The person who is man enough to respect and love you will not expect you to be perfect and will seldom notice your shortcomings. A loving man will regard your imperfections as assets.

4. You will benefit from having Zero Tolerance for people with less than perfect manners. If a potential partner swears at people, if he’s short-tempered, if he’s unkind to strangers – move on. There are myriads of men who are pure-mouthed, patient, and kind. Why would you spend a minute longer with one who is not?

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

May 15, 2011

Therapy (counseling, family therapy, individual therapy) works best when…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE

1. It is self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.

2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.

3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.

4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.

5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.

6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.

7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.

8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.

9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.

10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.

Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

May 12, 2011

Workplace emotional climate – helping it improve

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

I'd love to speak at you Leadership Event

The Emotional Climate of anywhere people work, play, serve, or worship will be enhanced when….

1. Room (space, freedom) is offered for the expression of creativity.
2. Use of good humor (good humor has no victims) is encouraged and enjoyed.
3. Individuals remain focused upon their unique, specific roles without bleeding, leaking into the roles of others by over or under functioning.
4. People refuse to initiate or ferry gossip, participate in unhelpful innuendo, or promote any form of interpersonal sabotage be it subtle or gross.
5. Problems, or perceived problems, are addressed first at the apparent source, then with those who are empowered to act to alleviate or solve the problem.
6. Self-definition at all levels is encouraged. In other words everyone is encouraged to Show up, Stand up, Speak up for him or herself.
7. Rocking the boat is welcomed (by the leaders) when the boat needs rocking.
8. Leadership and leadership styles are open to legitimate assessment and challenge.
9. Dialogue, negotiation is authentic. It is not offered so people can “feel” as if they have a say or to promote so-called “buy in.” Dialogue, negotiation are either legitimate (can influence an organization) or they are a manipulative sham.
10. The leaders are unafraid to reprimand, to fire, and to cleanse the group of toxic elements in the organization – despite the tenacity of toxic personnel to invade, diminish and destroy the functioning of others. This is most difficult in volunteer organizations such as churches, clubs, and not-for-profits but it is no less necessary.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Manipulation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice | Leave a Comment »

May 9, 2011

He ignores Mothers Day

by Rod Smith

“My husband routinely ignores Mothers Day. I make a big deal out of Fathers Day and you’d think he would reciprocate. He does not. This has been going on for 21 years and my sons are following in his footsteps. I am tempted to ignore Fathers Day this year just to see if he notices.”

Are you a believer or not?

Show up, stand up, speak up....

Playing guessing games and playing hide and seek is for children – it is not for adults.

If you want attention shown to you at Mothers Day let your husband and your sons know.

Tell them ahead of time so that you are not left waiting to see what he or your sons will do for you.

If you have let this go on for 21 years I have to wonder what else you have left up to chance.

If you want your relationships to grow then lose the temptation to stand back and watch how others respond to you.

Show up. Stand up. Speak up. Leave as little to guesswork as possible. This done, at least you will have made your expectations clear and others can choose to deliver on your wishes or not.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships | 2 Comments »

May 8, 2011

I feel guilty but he won’t let me go…..

by Rod Smith

“I’m in love with a man out of my caste. If my family finds out I will be disowned. He loves me and I do the same. His family doesn’t want him to be with me either. He’s going through a separation with his wife. They have twin girls who are 2 and boy who is 8. His wife still loves him tremendously but he has no love for her and has clearly told her. I feel so guilty that I’m the cause of everything but he won’t let me go. He says I’m the reason for his living and that his marriage was long over before I came into the picture. We are planning on marriage. I have a 5 year-old son who will have to leave along with my entire family. My fear is if I’m making a right future path for my self and my boyfriend. I desperately need advice.”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

This is a disaster waiting to happen

Run a mile. A man who can abandon a wife and three children will do the same, and worse, to you and your son. This “relationship” could only work if you immediately sever all ties while he gets divorced, pays child support, and is a cordial ex-husband for 5 years at least – before he BEGINS a caring, mutual relationship with you.

Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

May 3, 2011

His mother gossips about me….

by Rod Smith

“I am happily married. My husband is an amazing man. We are Indian with both Western and Indian beliefs and tradition. Our problems stem from his family. His mother hates me. She constantly gossips about me and tells people I am a terrible person. She knows how much her son loves me. I think this upsets her. I cannot understand how a mother can be unhappy if her child is happy. Although I have accomplished a lot I feel inadequate. I need help to keep my sanity and feel loved and appreciated by my husband’s family. My parents have been married for many years and love their children equally. My mother is one of the most humble people I know – which makes it even more difficult to understand my mother in law.” (Edited)

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Get your focus off her

Hateful people will hate no matter what you do. Gossips attempt to fill up empty lives by trying to destroy others. Try not to feed her toxicity by allowing it to do its ugly work.

While it may be counter-cultural for you, I’d suggest you and your husband (together) lovingly confront her with your unwillingness to accommodate and ignore her damaging ways.

Confrontation is a powerful expression of love. This accomplished, get your focus off her, whether she continues or not.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

May 1, 2011

Is it okay to hate my mother

by Rod Smith

Is it okay to hate my mother? She is loud, inappropriate, pushy, and demanding. I know I can’t change her but I must be able to change how guilty I feel about not being happy to see her. She barges into our house. She talks crudely to my children. She is mocking of any attempts to talk on any meaningful level. I am a single mother of two teenagers.

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Hate is an emotional toxic spill

As an adult you can do anything you want. You may break the law, set your house on fire, and even abandon your children.

As long as you are able and willing to face the consequences, you can do anything you want.

Of course, not everything you are able to do is helpful, wise, or accompanied by helpful outcomes. This is something we are repeatedly told as children and sometimes fail to learn even as adults.

So – yes, you are free to hate your mother. The consequences of doing so are unlikely to be helpful to you. Hating anyone is usually harmful to the one who does the hating, but hating a parent, is especially personally damaging.

Hating a parent erodes essential, vital, invisible connections that help us all to remain somewhat sane.

Hating anyone allows the hate to do a number on our insides. It distorts our responses, reactions, perceptions, and attitudes to ALL other people, and not only our relationship with the person whom we have chosen to hate.

The hate may be targeted; the results are generic. Hate is an emotional toxic spill. It ruins the host more than the victim.

While your mother’s repertoire is jam packed with unattractive themes, hating her will ultimately destroy you, burn your house down (figuratively, of course) and alienate you from your own adult children.

You will move toward greater, and real love for her if you increase your capacity to be rejected by her and stand up to her and refuse to be her victim. Do not give your mother free passage to pollute your family yet, at the same time, offer her some manner in which to remain connected with you on terms that are acceptable to you.

Yes, hate is an option, but it is not an option that will result in the kind of growth (not all “growth” is helpful) within you that will be helpful.

Walking powerfully toward her (initiating, defining, declaring, welcoming, clarifying) will empower you with ALL other people.

You are no longer a child. Use your adult voice and do not allow her to manipulate, dominate, or intimidate you. Strive for an equal, mutual, respectful relationship with your mother so that she will learn how to behave herself when she is with you and your family.

I know this is a tall order, but the results, of even failed attempts on your terms, will result in the kind of empowering and growth you want, rather than lead you ever deeper into the shame you are already feeling.

Rejecting her will diminish you. It will rob you of your voice. It will enlarge her power to dominate and control you.

If you hate your mother she won’t have to barge into your house to upset you, she’ll be living in your head, even if you never see her or have nothing to do with her.

Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

April 28, 2011

Indications of confused boundaries

by Rod Smith

A boundary is a line (usually invisible – prison would be an example of a visible boundary) that separates a person from all other people.

Each person is responsible for his or her own boundaries.

Here are indications of poorly defined boundaries:

Sharing intimately on a first meeting.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
Being preoccupied with someone.
Going against what you know is right to please someone.
Hoping someone you meet will have poor boundaries.
Trusting blindly.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex you do not want.
Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
Letting someone be in charge of your life.
Allowing someone else to say what you feel and see.
Believing someone can and should anticipate your needs.
Being moody and withdrawn because you are not getting enough attention.
Expecting people to read your mind and know what you want or need.
Habitually stealing the agenda, taking center stage, occupying the spotlight.
Falling apart to get care.
Eating for destructive reasons or with destructive results.
Sex for pain or to express aggression.

Cloud and Townsend book “Boundaries” is essential reading on this topic.

(The above list is collated from a variety of sources and over so many years and from so many places. I’d love to acknowledge all the sources and would if I had them.)

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

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