He says she’s jealous. Let’s help him out. Please comment…..

by Rod Smith

My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:

* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.

* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Sarah!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Sarah for about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.

* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.

* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I love this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that play fighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.

* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said, “hey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.

I could go on.

My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.

It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel like I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.

For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.

But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.

My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.

To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundaries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!

Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.

6 Comments to “He says she’s jealous. Let’s help him out. Please comment…..”

  1. Sounds like your wife is insecure and probably needs more assurance of your undivided love for her. It won’t cost you anything, but it will reap dividends, if you do consider her when you enter into a little ‘fun’ and the admiration and attention of other women. There must be something about you that draws women.. and you obviously like it… but it’s not doing your marriage any good, is it?
    Have you really heard your wife and considered that there may be some grounds for her jealousy? Are these really ‘values’ you have, or are they just excuses for your behaviour, which I would, quite frankly, call selfishness – instead of a ‘lack of modesty’.
    It all seems to be ‘poor me’, when a marriage commitment is the place to consider the spouse’s feelings at least as important as yours. Have you really left your bachelorhood behind?

  2. I am asking myself if you still give your wife special attention. Are you still affectionate with her? Do you still do little things to make her feel special?

    I don’t think you have different “values”…just different personalitites. That’s normal. Nothing wrong there, and you and your wife are not clones…

    Now, if you said that she gets mad because you repeatedly keep glancing over at an attactive woman while you are out to dinner together… Or, if you said she gets upset because you complimented another woman and your wife can’t recall the last time you paid her a compliment…. or if you said that you were out with your wife and you both watched a family as they left a restaurant and the husband opened the doors for his children (all teens) and then very kindly opend the car door for his wife (apparently he still does this even after obviously being married many years) and you commented to your wife on how thoughtful you thought the husband was and how you found it to even be romantic….and then later that evening when the two of you left the restaurant you got in the car and let your wife fend for herself with the car door, then I would say you need to focus more on your manners and your wife.

    I give those examples for a reason. When my husband and I were first married, his actions towards me, even a little look or a smile would leave me feeling special and appreciated and connected to him. Gina Lolabrigida could have walked past us and I would never have given it another thought. But over the years…a lot of those things he used to do that made me feel like “his special lady” have faded. The love notes, the flowers he would bring home or have delivered “just because”… and other small things that he used to do that most people do to make their partner feel special early in relationships and marriages that seem to come effortlessly that keep that warm fuzzy feeling alive. Are you following me here so far? 🙂

    So I am not going to really give you advice. I am just putting this out there for you to read so that you can think about the signals you may or may not be putting out that your wife seems to pick up on.

    I am sure you are a smart guy that loves your wife or you wouldn’t have written your letter. The examples you gave don’t seem (to me) like you are doing anything that should be considered offensive or trigger feelings of jealousy in your wife… but maybe instead of focusing on the things you did in your letter, maybe you want to ask yourself what it is you don’t do anymore.

    By the way… my husband is back to holding doors open for me again. And I like it ! 🙂

    Oh, one last thing…those things we do to keep the warm and fuzzies alive and to make each other to continue to feel special is a TWO WAY street. Partners can indeed compromise and even change certain behaviors depending on how important their partner’s feelings are to them, and what those behaviors are. This doesn’t mean morphing into someone we are not or becoming soldiers that wear blinders.

    I’m hoping you two can find the middle ground with each other and then sit there and enjoy a picnic together!

  3. Did either of the two answers above answer the actual question?
    Quite clearly (it appears from the answers above) that your wife’s jealousy is entirely your fault and you must change.
    “I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability”. Quote: As good as it gets.

  4. I’d like to thank everyone who has replied. I’m happy because some of the comments pushed my buttons, and I just love to push my comfort zone. Thank you for your input. Keep it coming, and read on 🙂

    Some of you asked questions into how I treat her.

    1. I buy my wife flowers almost every single week. (love seeing that smile!)
    2. I open the door ALWAYS for her.
    3. EVERY morning I comment on how beautiful she is ( and get a nice warm smile back).
    4. I comment on how thoughtful, sweet, and beautiful she is numerous times throughout the day.
    5. I take her out for dinner at least once a week (we love it)
    6. I help clean around the house….dishes, mop floor etc. (she LOVES that)
    7. I buy her jewlerry, clothes, etc.
    8. etc. etc. etc.

    I would like to point out, that my wife will not allow me to even touch a girl. This includes hug, seeing a mutual friend and kissing her on the cheek, shaking hands, sit on couch with another girl, or engage in a conversation with a girl. The only conversation my wife will allow with a female is if it has a “begining, a middle, and an end”. She also would prefer I kept my conversations with women to approximately 5 minutes long.

    I’ve tried to do these things, and the truth is I’m totally comfortable not touching a girl at all….the only girl I want to touch is my wife. Even before I was married I didn’t touch other women. This may sound extreme, but I believe that the power of touch is very powerful.

    I have tried my very best to interanlise the above critisism. I am really trying to bring an awareness of my interactions with other people. Thank you for input.

    I’ve been doing some research on jealousy, and perhaps this may open some of the previous authors eyes as to what jealousy can do in a relationship.

    I humbly would like to direct the above authors (Jenny and RE in particular) you to some video’s on youtube which discuss jealously and their potent behavious in order to educate how destructive this behaviour can be. And perhaps more importantly, I’m sharing these videos to bring awareness to other people who are in a similar situation to me and come across this post, to have courage and recognise the signs. It’s all too easy to start blaming yourself, and drive yourself crazy! Trust me 🙂

    However…if someone is reading this and is truely flirting with someone else all I can say is stop. Do some research, stop doing it, get some help, and buy your wife some flowers.

    Keep the comments coming. What do you guys think? Have those videos helped you get a grasp of how destructive jealousy can be, or do you do still believe it’s just “poor me” and that there’s something I’m not doing or doing which is causing her to react like that.

    Thanks again.

  5. Please note that there were two youtube videos attached in the above post. It looks like there is only one, but there are two (one is embedded, the other is just a link)

  6. I totally agree that jealous behavior has NO good qualities. In fact, it is a real relationship killer. Your response makes things even clearer than before and in your case, your wife needs to get a grip on her behavior.

    I specifically asked questions and offered no solid or real solution because even from your first letter, I didn’t feel that I could say I knew enough about specifics.

    I also said that consideration of a partner’s feelings is a two way street, meaning she needs to take into account how her behavior makes you feel as well.

    Jealousy is about insecurity and from what you are saying above, your wife should not be insecure with you. I also believe that it has something to do with control. But that is just my opinion.

    What was her life like before you and she met? Was she always this way or did something happen to her that has affected her self esteem?

    In any case, my inital response was not suppose to make you feel like anything was ‘entirely” your fault. I also said in response to your inital letter that it did not appear, from the things you were saying, that your behavior was the reason.

    They don’t call jealousy a “green eyed MONSTER” for nothing. A monster is exactly what it is.

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