“Death is easier than divorce – at least it’s final”…. a reader writes….

by Rod Smith

“How I agree with your column today – break-ups hurt. I have been divorced for four years, and it still hurts. The what ifs – what if I had been kinder, more understanding, what if he had treated me better so I could have been kinder. And so it goes on and on. If you got together again, you know, or think, it would all be different. If only. If only. If only. You drive yourself insane.

“I maintain death is easier than divorce. Death is final. Everyone rallies around to support you in your time of grief. They keep asking how you are, they include you in their lives, where possible, and check that you aren’t lonely. I know this doesn’t last forever – but I do know that it happens. Some groups make a roster and supply meals for a week or two. Then there’s the anniversary of the death – cards, phone calls, people letting you know they care. Maybe a notice in the Newspaper.

“Divorce, on the other hand, is never final. Friends are uncomfortable with you and most don’t support you in, yes, your time of grief. They don’t ask how you are coping and whether you are lonely. In fact, they almost pretend that nothing has happened and, due to embarrassment, some even avoid you. They don’t realise, unless they’ve been there, that what has happened is a huge emotional upheaval. There’s no anniversary – you remember the date of the final separation, but no one else does. No phone calls, no cards, no friends and relations letting you know they care.

“And, no one brings you a meal!”

5 Comments to ““Death is easier than divorce – at least it’s final”…. a reader writes….”

  1. Maybe for the adult and only in some respects … But seldom can death be better than divorce for the kids involved … Mine no longer have a father to get advice from or to watch their sports matches, see them reach their goals or help them when they fail … My son won’t have his father to help him learn to drive or my daughter have him walk her down the aisle … I no longer have the input of advice for guiding our kids … I may have friends who support me, but the lonliness is still very very much there – Just putting some of the ‘other side’ out there

  2. Death is not final.

  3. From my experience, I did have family and friends that were there for a while after each of my parents passed. However, once they were gone they started disappearing from my life to where I am now — feeling totally alone. After my father passed (when I was 10), we stopped hearing from his side of the family. Then years and years later when my mother passed I felt I was on my own, losing touch with her side of the family. I grew up with a brother whom I don’t hear from. I tried to keep in touch but I suppose the interest just isn’t there. It’s lonely, dealing with death of those close to you when you DON’T get that support afterwards.

  4. When we divorced, my children’s daddy was still their daddy. The marriage between mommy and daddy failed. He and I divorced, not he and the kids. Our friends were our friends. Some took sides, most did not. Amazing how most knew our marriage was based on poor decisions, no matter what it looked like in public, and offered support. After the divorce, we worked at it but we remained equally involved and active in our kid’s lives. Even when he remarried, it was less work than when he and I were married……not to mention more honest.

    When my ex-husband was killed in an accident, the devastation my children faced was far greater than our divorce. Our faith is strong, but death isl a difficult hurdle for everyone. The most loving friends are at a loss…….they don’t know what to say, they have their own hardships, not everyone is of the same faith…..so they avoid you.

    Divorce closes a window, usually with a lesson attached. Death closes a door and often leaves many questions.

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