June 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
to men and women, I think I am most blessed with the gifts I have in my brother and sister. My brother has always been larger than life. From where I stood as a child, and being six years my senior, I believed he knew everything about good taste, cars, and the importance of a good education.
When my high school results were published, as they are in South African newspapers (in fact in the pages of the very newspaper where you are reading this column) it was my brother who, whipping through the seemingly endless lists of Smiths, first saw the asterisk perched on the end of my name like a big fat bulging mosquito. He glanced down the page in exactly the manner I did not want, and read, “Does not meet required standards for university entrance.”
Right then, my knees weak with my embarrassment; I knew he’d challenge me to re-write the examinations. This he did, and by April of the following year, I had my “Matric Exemption” (university entrance) in the bag!
Most people, those blessed to have brothers and sisters, will know their siblings for longer than they will know their parents. For each of mine, especially since both of my parents are deceased, I want the world to know I am exceedingly grateful for the gift I have in my brother and a sister.
Posted in Family |
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June 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Love prevails. I am not referring to the kind of love associated with romance, although such love is of course vastly important. I am referring to a love that is beyond romantic attraction, love that is usually beyond humans unless they know, first-hand, something about suffering, something about loss, hurt, about loneliness and abandonment.
The love that prevails is sometimes born in people who know how painful life can be. I say sometimes, because tough events can also produce bitterness, not love, in others. Prevailing love is not about good feelings, about an emotional high, nor is it about being known or rewarded for good deeds.
The kind of love is born or developed in the wake of suffering prevails because it has learned that there is goodness in others, that there is hope in the world, that there is reward in believing in the goodness of others.
Love people today. Do something counter-cultural to the spirit of self-seeking in your office, at the hospital where you work, or at the school where you teach. Offer a open hand of love and generosity to a struggling person. Turn your own reservoir of pain and suffering into an act of love.
Love prevails, and it wants to prevail in you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love |
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June 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
Let's talk
(a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.
Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.
Suggestions:
1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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June 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have a son (7) who is a lovely child who can be manipulative. He gets his own way most of the time which my husband allows and which I find hard to accept. I think my husband spoils the boy because he’s our only child. My son ‘takes’ to my husband more and if I discipline my son my husband gets offended and screams and shouts at me in presence of the child. At the moment I am much stressed and haven’t a clue what to do. My son’s behavior is becoming intolerable and beginning to irritate me. It’s like I’m heading for a nervous breakdown.” (Edited)
Take up your life....
– one person is trapped by the collusion of at least two others. This common set-up can be particularly painful for the marginalized parent. Screaming at each other will only make the triangle more rigid. While speaking up (no screaming or shouting!) is unlikely to get your husband’s attention I’d suggest you continue to try. Address the issues when the environment is less “charged” or emotionally neutral. If this fails, plan something benign yet radical to amplify or to expose the triangle. If it is clever, even humorous, it might get your husband’s attention.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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May 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
fight with three goals in mind:
1. To be able to love each other more.
2. To be able to better understand each other.
3. To be able to resolve conflicts or accept conflicts that cannot be resolved.
Here are eight guidelines to foster healthy conflict:
a. Stay with the presenting issue – under stress people tend to go off on hurtful, unrelated tangents.
b. Don’t recruit the “Big Guns” like your in-laws, your parents, The Bible, or God to back up your point of view. (“My dad says…”)
c. Avoid sentiments like “now I understand why your ex left you” or “now I know why your children don’t like you.”
d. Resist retrieving past issues to embolden your position.
e. Don’t sneer, sigh, or roll your eyes, or give the “I’ve-heard-this-all-before” look.
f. Don’t call upon anonymous sources like “they” saw you or “someone” told me.
g. Listen more than you talk – this will help you remain engaged and validate your commitment.
h. Don’t compromise your voice – your relationship needs you to be more who you, not less who you are.
The military fight to kill and destroy. Lovers and family members fight to increase love and understanding.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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May 30, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am at a complete loss to understand people’s motivation for intentionally hurting others. I had been dating a most gentle, kind, generous, considerate, available, loving person for 4 years. We did have a few off-days but those were few and far between. Then out of the blue he declared he did not see me in his future. No signs, no warning but sudden withdrawal and the dreaded words. In an attempt to find an answer since none was offered I went through his phone memory and was devastated to find out that he was ‘playing’ about 20 other woman this past year. Some in long standing distance relationships, others in role playing, and others on an ‘as and when needed’ basis, ‘meet and greet,’ and travel partners. The break-up is recent. I haven’t spoken to him since his announcement. Prior to my discovery I told him respected his decision. What motivates this type of behavior?”
Take up your life....
I’d suggest the perpetrator, while aware of the deceit, probably felt he could handle the accumulation of multiple facades and keep his various worlds apart. The “dreaded words” come when the entanglements escalate and something has to crash!
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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May 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
Mercury / Friday
is an emotional affair if:
1. You cannot be open with everyone all the time about the relationship.
2. You cannot welcome your spouse into every encounter.
3. You give this person more attention than you give your spouse.
4. You hide what you spend (money, time, energy) on this person.
5. You know his or her schedule in your head.
6. Time together is like filling up at an emotional gas station.
7. You become nervous (frustrated, unsettled, suspicious) when contact is unexpectedly lost and you do not know the reason.
8. You are more interested (preoccupied) in his or her life than you are in your own.
9. You know more about each other day-to-day than your respective spouses know.
10. You have “emergency” cell phone numbers only for each other.
11. You have a code or language between you that no one else understands.
12. You feel completely alive when you are together but totally lifeless, worthless, aimless, when you are out of “sync” with each other.
13. Thinking of losing this relationship feels like you’d be losing your life.
14. You have to delete Emails and text messages in case someone finds them.
15. You regret (perhaps only momentarily) important parts of your life (like being married or even having children) because these aspects seem “in the way” of this friendship.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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May 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am in a relationship with a man who has two children. His younger daughter is making my life hell. She lies to her mother about how I treat her and refuses to speak to me. She is hostile and rude and I am often too uncomfortable to attend family events. She has recently started to not visit her father. I have tried time and time again to get her to like me but nothing has worked. I feel like it is going to come down to her or me. He says he will not allow her to drive me away. How can I stay knowing that she will stop seeing her father if I am around?”
Spend no time or effort trying to get her to like you. Don’t bargain, appease, or allow her to determine your whereabouts. “De-triangle” by openly addressing her accusations. I’d suggest a face-to-face meeting with the mother and child (without dad) would be a good idea. This sabotage must be resisted or she will become a bitter, life-long manipulator. Refusing to visit her father is a ploy. Don’t fall for it. It is dad, not you, who is in the hot seat. I hope he is careful not to give the child more power then she can handle.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am dealing with a controlling man. He is four years younger than me and has yet to figure out his job situation. He is still confused about what he really wants to do in life. I’m assuming his controlling ways have roots in these circumstances. I believe his dad is controlling. If a controlling guy eventually reaches a point in his life where he is professionally successful and feels more in control of his life, will he ever ease up on woman? When I put my foot down he changes his positions slightly so part of me thinks that he may be open to change.”
I am trying to hear you...
While it will be very hard work, if this relationship is to survive, you must
stay out of all control all the time. It is never a sign of love or commitment and it is not good for either of you.
Always resist it and always point it out. Regard it – the behavior and not the man – as a dangerous virus. This means it has no brakes, and it has no boundaries and therefore it will not self-regulate!
Controlling men and women do so no matter what the circumstances – it is just a matter of degrees. I’d suggest “changes his positions slightly” is a move to keep you, not a symptom of growth. If you feed the virus, or ignore the virus, or give it a momentary bow, it will grow. In fact, it will grow anyway despite your behavior – this is the reason it must always be resisted.
Be careful of becoming so aware of his controlling behavior that you get the virus! But that is material for another column.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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May 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am trying to hear you...
(euphemism) to make a romantic attachment appear acceptable because there is allegedly no sexual activity. One or both persons in the so-called emotional affair is married or committed to someone else.
Here are behaviors common in an emotional affair portrayed through what one or the other person will typically say:
“I have finally found a friend without the complications of being sexually involved. It is so pure and you wouldn’t believe how good the friendship is for me.”
“He/she makes me into a better wife/husband and mother/father.”
“How can you be upset? You always wanted me to have close friends? What’s the difference if she is a woman when there’s nothing physical about it?”
“It is easier to talk since there’s no physical thing going on as there is with you and me.”
“He/she doesn’t judge me or expect anything from me. It’s like being with a therapist who is actually not charging anything.”
“Of course we talk and text a lot. That’s what friends do.”
“I don’t lie to you. It’s just that you wouldn’t understand how close we are and how much my relationship with her/him is really helping my relationship with you.”
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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