Personal growth is not only the product of an act of will, or a series of determined acts to move ones life in a particular direction. It is also the result of getting ones relationships aligned. Here is a brief and incomplete list of the manifestations of emotional health. When you see these ten pointers surfacing in your life you will know you are becoming very well:

1. You are generous – you give, not out of guilt or pity, but from the joy of being able to give.
2. You are open to change, challenge, and diversity.
3. You allow others, even immediate family, to be different from what is generally expected without making judgments.
4. You are committed to personal values and you set clear personal goals.
5. You forgive and forget when it is wise to do so, and you forgive and remember when it is necessary.
6. You have several committed relationships besides your primary family relationships.
7. You honor and respect the elderly and you enjoy the young.
8. You do not take sides when friends disagree.
9. You do not chase others for anything.
10. You avoid rescuing behaviors.

“My husband (48) came in told me ‘I want to separate. I want sex with other women, to be free, be myself.’ I was devastated. We have been married for 20 years. He left and bought a house across the street. He met up with at woman (22) and says now he is ‘so in love.’ He’s taking her on our trips. I am devastated. She is fat. I was fat but he wanted me to change. She is literally the same size as me and after years of emotional abuse about my being fat and then says, ‘See it wasn’t ever about your weight. See how big she is.’ Talk about a slap in the face. She has already cheated on him. He would have killed me if I had done that. I am confused. I did everything for him and he leaves me for someone half my age. He is madly in love and wants to get married and start a family. We have two children together. I don’t even recognize him anymore.” (Edited)

Try and focus upon what you and your children need to bring meaningful futures out of this apparently narcissistic chaos. Would you believe me if I said you have no future worth having with him? I doubt you will believe me. It appears you are yet too caught up in him.

While you are so focused on his comings and goings, noticing what he is doing or not doing, you will be unable to find enough space for you to see that you have to begin to build an existence where he is not the center-piece. While his tasteless move to a house across the street doesn’t make this any easier for you, such emotional distance and space is essential. I’d suggest (although it is not stated) that his move into a home so near to you may well have been part of his continued attempt to keep some kind of an eye on you. This is not out side the realm of possibilities when it comes to persons who are so amazingly unaware or uncaring about the impact their moves and actions have on others. While they often appear indifferent to how their lives impact others, they remain steadfast in their belief that important others need to remain somewhat within their control.

“My son (9) gets minimally bullied and pushed around by his classmates at school. The school seems to do very little about this and it is resulting in my son not enjoying school. I said ‘minimally’ because it is not every day and it seems trivial when he explains it, yet it does upset him. What would you do?” (Edited)

Work with your son by giving him suitable lines and phrases that assist him to speak up for himself. Role-play situations with him and train him to speak up. He will find adulthood a lot more satisfying if he can learn to address bullying now, rather than have to address it when he is a full-grown man.

I’d resist trying to make the school the guardians of his appropriately fragile ego since it appears that your son is experiencing life within the bounds of what is “normal” or common behavior among children of this age. I am sorry life can be so tough even when a child is 9-years-old, but the sooner the boy gets to handle it for himself, the better he will feel about himself and the less likely it will be that other children will target him.

1. Arrogance – it’s only a matter of time before you’ll discover you are not quite as good as you think you are.
2. Domination – makes an enemy out of those who were once in your corner.
3. Manipulation – puts people on edge and they will eventually stop trusting you.
4. Intimidation – no rational person wants to be forced into anything.
5. Jealousy – trying to hurt or endanger others or their relationships because of your felt inadequacies will make you an exile among your friends.
6. Gossip – if you spread rumors it will only be a matter of time before you will start feeling shades of paranoia.
7. Unfaithfulness – will ruin your sleeping patterns and make you suspicious of everyone.
8. Resentment and retaliation – gathering hurts, collecting damages, and waiting for the opportunity to get even or revenge will suck you dry of creative energy.
9. Rescuing others – trying to save others from the natural challenge and pain that comes with living will exhaust you beyond your wildest estimation.
10. Passivity – lounging around waiting for life to change, for your ship to come in, as if a fairy godmother is waiting in the wings to deliver you from all your woes, will drive you and all who love you to distraction.

1. Generosity – giving more than you can afford.
2. Faith – in God and in the humanity of others.
3. Forgiveness – absolute, and especially when undeserved.
4. Transparency – living without deceit or hidden agenda.
5. Openness – willingness to try new things and new adventures.
6. Awareness – of the impact left on others and on the environment.
7. Kindness – treating others in a manner that fosters their highest good.
8. Assertiveness – finding your way without impeding the growth of others.
9. Usefulness – finding a meaningful place in a community.
10. Love – deciding to love without expecting recognition or reward.