January 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: “Thank for the column ‘the seven essentials before marrying someone with children.’ Last February I married a very loving man but it’s been a challenge. We have a 5 month old boy and my husband has two older sons (20 and 17) who were kicked of their mother’s and have lived with their dad for the past two years. The boys think they can run all over me because they have lived at their dad’s house longer than me. I get a lot of sarcasm. I am just sick and tired of being treated like a ‘step monster.’ I am nothing but nice to those boys all the time and I try to show them love and care, but they think daddy is it and step mom and baby brother are just along for the ride. It really makes me mad that they have such bad attitudes toward me. Should I just start acting unloving to them like they are to me or should I keep trying to be nice even though I am getting slapped in the face by them all the time?” (letter shortened)
ROD’S REPLY: I’d suggest you married a loving man who is intimidated by his two older sons. It is time for dad to step up for step mom.
Posted in High maintenance relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice |
31 Comments »
January 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
My teenager —
1. …appears more invested building peer rather than parent relationships. I expect this. Healthy interdependence will not occur if separations are not practiced within primary relationships.
2. … faces change, opportunities, and forms of seduction I never faced. I expect some relational turbulence, questioning of values as my child finds appropriate footing in the adult world.
3. … appears more grown-up than my child is, so sometimes I will get the cold shoulder from a know-it-all. I’ll be kind and forthright when occurs. I will do all I can to avoid embarrassing my child to win control.
4. … may embrace friends other than those I would choose. I will welcome people until there is cause not to. When this happens I will be honest to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness.
5. … is a master of non-verbal communication so I will not to over-interpret what I see. I will ask for verbal clarification when necessary.
6. … wants a parent, not a buddy. My child wants to be cared for, and not have to care for me.
7. … probably feels uncomfortable talking with me about intimate matters. I will not allow discomfort to restrain me from being an involved parent regarding difficult matters.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Teenagers, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife’s aunt passed away recently and we attended her funeral. Her passing will leave a void but I write not about her death, but about the stupidity (my view) of the situation. Her son did not see his mother since his wedding over 10 years ago. There was a disagreement at the time of the wedding. On finding out about his mother’s passing, he decided to attend the funeral. He had apparently stormed out of his home and attended.
“I find it sad the dispute has lasted so long and that there can be such hatred towards others that they do not find it in themselves to be cordial and perhaps forgiving. This son visited a corpse. He will never be able to speak to his mother and I guess that he will have to live with that. I do not know if his mother accepted the situation or whether she secretly hoped that he would come around. We will never know.
“This son should have visited his mother. This situation should not have been allowed to happen. In hind-sight, friends and family should have intervened. We know but I think that it needs to be re-iterated that death is final and to this son and his wife, the dispute is now over.” (letter shortened)
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
January 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Re-marriage, Space, Voice |
3 Comments »
January 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
..who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.
..who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, or in taking care of her family, but who is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.
..who does not allow herself to be taken for granted, to be sworn at, to be victimized by anyone, not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or parents.
..who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation and whose relationships are therefore pure and open.
..who is able to articulate her deepest dreams, desires, and fears to those whom she loves, without fearing a response of indifference or rejection.
..who, in the midst of the pressures of work, motherhood and marriage, maintains her unique and powerful voice.
Posted in Attraction, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am a single mother of two (23 and 21). They are good kids but my problem is that I cannot get them to help around the house and they are unmotivated to get ahead in life. They are both in very causal jobs. I have paid for them both to do correspondence studies but cannot get them to study. My son works in a video shop. He ends up in the bar after work until all hours of the morning. My daughter barely leaves the house but to go to work. When I try and communicate they will not talk. What can I do?”
You are working too hard. It appears you are more committed to their futures than your adult children are.
Unless there are substantial unstated mental health issues, I’d suggest you give them a week or two to make substantial changes to their attitudes and level of productivity – or ship them out.
In the long term, I think it better that you clear your comfortable nest of lazy adults who will not contribute to its costs and care. As tough as it sounds – let them live lazy lives elsewhere.
They will thank you when they grow up.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Parenting is no cakewalk. My children (8 and 4) are at an age where it seems everything is a battle of wills. If they are not fighting with each other over who is sitting in whose space at the table, or fighting over one toy that neither has noticed for months until the other happens to casually pick it up, they are debating me over the necessity of cleaning their teeth or picking up clothes.
But these are the passing phases on their unique journeys toward necessary self-definition – and it is my continual challenge to see the larger picture.
I am challenged, on a daily basis, to speak well of others, to be honorable to my word (as far as it is possible) and to guard the words that come out of my mouth.
Clearly, as the primary adult in their lives, I am called upon to show them how adults ought to behave, how adults ought to resolve conflict, be forgiving, be kind and generous.
Fighting over a toy in the back of the car, will, I hope, give them fond memories of these formative years. Watching me face the daily grind of living an adult life, will, I hope, impart to them invaluable tools for successful futures.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting |
2 Comments »
January 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Jack, who has never married, is dating Jill, someone who almost ten years his senior and twice divorced. Jill has three teenage children, who live with their father, but whom she sees often, yet unpredictably. Jack has no children but finds Jill’s children to be intelligent but headstrong. Jill’s in excessive debt. Jack is very solvent. Jill drinks a little too much, which Jack finds disarming. Jill is somewhat hard when she expressing herself, sounding cynical about marriage and love. Jack interprets this as her being neither hard, nor bitter, but hurt and insightful. When Jack’s family point out the very stark contrasts between their lives, and caution him about this relationship, he becomes defensive and claims the cliché “opposites attract.”
Jack and Jill appear blinded by love and deaf to reason. While this relationship may be a relationship made in heaven, their blindness to the stark contrasts between their lives as potential for minefields of problems, makes them each sitting targets for many difficulties. The blindness of their love drains all perspective, and neither is compelled to do what is required to love first him or herself more fully, in order that each can love the other in a manner that serves them both well.
Posted in Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Triggers, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
The volume of letters I get from men and women who are in very toxic, even dangerous relationships, surprises me. Some have written that they have had to create the email account specifically for the one letter alone, and then had to delete the account, lest the one with whom they are in a “loving relationship” find the account and demand to read the email!
It makes me wonder just how much love exists between people when it appears their behavior has to be so covert, where games and hide and seek are necessary over something as normal as writing an Email in search of guidance.
There are several over-riding themes that are quite easy to identify from these many letters. I have not been gender specific as both men and women falling into these familiar traps. I will say more about each of them in a few days:
1. Loving too much. (It is possible to love so blindly that the love ceases to be love).
2. Forgiving where there is no effort to change. (Some forgiveness has to be conditional).
3. Remaining blind to the repeated faults of others. (Some faults in others must be eradicated if a relationship is to survive).
4. Continually excusing the inexcusable. (Somethings, like violence and abuse, must not be tolerated at all).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
