January 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
The volume of letters I get from men and women who are in very toxic, even dangerous relationships, surprises me. Some have written that they have had to create the email account specifically for the one letter alone, and then had to delete the account, lest the one with whom they are in a “loving relationship” find the account and demand to read the email!
It makes me wonder just how much love exists between people when it appears their behavior has to be so covert, where games and hide and seek are necessary over something as normal as writing an Email in search of guidance.
There are several over-riding themes that are quite easy to identify from these many letters. I have not been gender specific as both men and women falling into these familiar traps. I will say more about each of them in a few days:
1. Loving too much. (It is possible to love so blindly that the love ceases to be love).
2. Forgiving where there is no effort to change. (Some forgiveness has to be conditional).
3. Remaining blind to the repeated faults of others. (Some faults in others must be eradicated if a relationship is to survive).
4. Continually excusing the inexcusable. (Somethings, like violence and abuse, must not be tolerated at all).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
Posted in Attraction, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Listening, Love |
2 Comments »
January 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend of 8 months and I are very much in love. He speaks of marriage. I can only assume that we will head that way in the near future. When we met he was still legally married although living apart from his wife. Despite some hesitation I went forward with my relationship trusting divorce was what he wanted. The divorce is now almost final. They have a three-year-old daughter and we have grown very close. I love her. She is so sweet and loving. My boyfriend says she asks for me. I have felt it would be appropriate for me to meet the mother because I am around her daughter so much which I assume will continue. I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was hesitant and I let it go. My boyfriend says “she is not the nicest person” and “you’ll meet her when the time is right!? Am I wrong?” (Letter edited – all posts are “cut” to about 200 words)
It is appropriate, and essential, that you meet the child’s mother since you (I assume) will co-parent the child. But methinks you are assuming too much (regarding his desire to marry you). Your future is far too valuable to be left to hopes and assumptions.
Posted in Children, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Voice |
5 Comments »
January 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
Thanks to my patient, and kind readers who have tolerated my posting a little less often over the past few days.
I have not missed a newspaper deadline whlle being on a short vacation — but it was not always possible to post the column to the web – which I usually do only once the column has apppeared in hardcopy on newsstands.
My children and I spent a few wonderful days in Washington, D.C. (And I can always tell when they are pleased I am not speniding as much time writing as is normally required of me).
Thanks for being faithful readers of YOU AND ME.
Rod Smith
Posted in Uncategorized |
1 Comment »
January 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
When parents (married or single) are fulfilled, pursuing careers and interests they love, and are offering meaningful service to their community, it makes a remarkable difference to their children. Under these (admittedly) ideal conditions, childhood can be fully childhood. It can be carefree, safe, and free of the anxieties that come rushing into a child (which sometimes never abate) when a parent refuses to meet the adult demands of his or her role.
It is an overburdened child who must do all he or she can to keep mom sober or keep dad at work — who must do all he or she can to make mom or dad into an adult. It is the anxious child who must take on parental responsibilities, who must function on a parent’s behalf when the parent abdicates the role.
Childhood is appropriately prolonged (as opposed to inappropriately truncated) when mother or father takes adulthood with the dedication adulthood deserves.
When parents take full responsibility for themselves, dedicating themselves to exercising their skills and callings within their greater community, and pursuing and enjoying mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with other adults, childhood, for the children of such adults, can run it full span, and the children can be appropriately oblivious to the pressures of life in the adult world.
Posted in Children, Differentiation |
1 Comment »
December 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. All relationships are temporary – give the people closest to you your best shot at everything.
2. If you do not understand and appreciate how money, the failure to forgive, and, bitterness, do their work, they will dominate your life.
3. If you do not take care of yourself no one else will.
4. Defining yourself (telling others who you are, what you want, what you will and will not tolerate) is an act of love, not selfishness.
5. Laughter is good for the heart and brings it healing – finding time to appreciate healthy humor happening all around you, might do you greater good than regular visits to an experienced therapist.
6. Life is too short to be sworn at, ridiculed or taken for granted – extricate yourself from toxic relationships.
7. Find the appropriate moment to express the love you feel in simple ways – it re-ignites the soul.
8. Take an hour or two to create a blueprint for what would make 2007 your most fulfilling year – if you can’t articulate it, it probably won’t occur.
9. Become actively involved in the goodness in the world – avoid gossip, be generous and give to others more than you take.
Posted in Differentiation, Faith, Family |
2 Comments »
December 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
This is the season children seem to take center stage, and so much excitement is generated whether people do or do not recognize Christmas. May I be yet another voice issuing a few simple words of caution at a time often associated with parties and all that often comes with seasonal celebrations.
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Remember the adage that less is more – your presence (availability, good humor, affirmation, listening) with and to your family and friends is probably more valuable than even your most carefully selected, expensive presents.
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You need never be a passenger in any vehicle where you think the driver has had too much to drink.
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No gift is really a gift if the giving of it puts you and your family into short or longterm debt.
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Fidelity, truth, openness and freedom are the greatest gifts you can offer your spouse.
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Love, and any form of controlling behavior (jealousy, pettiness, shutting each other out) cannot co-exist in the same relationship.
Last night when I said good night to Nathanael (my almost-5-year-old son) he sang: “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, underneath his messy toes last night.”
Peace, joy, and thanks to who read You and Me.
Posted in Communication, Trust, Voice |
4 Comments »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
December 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband says he doesn’t love me during a heated argument argument and then he later retracts it. I walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then I begin to reflect on our 21-year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.” (Minimally edited for clarity)
“Least said, soonest mended” is the wise adage. If your husband could learn to contain his angry words a little, and you learned to believe him a little less when he is in such a state, you’d both have a chance to grow into the kind of “great-love” experience you have tucked somewhere in your dreams.
Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It really is the most perfect book for people who want more from marriage and life. A business man recently thanked me for suggesting he read the Schnarch book. “Finally a book about relationships an engineer can love!” he said.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Listening, Marriage |
1 Comment »
