December 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
I know I have poor boundaries. What can I do?
Recognizing your ill-defined boundaries is a step toward greater emotional health. Such self-awareness requires good boundaries.
Recognition is the beginning of health. Start by learning to clearly define yourself. Express who you are. Say what you like and do not like. Let people know what you want. Let others know your opinions, beliefs, values and expectations. Begin in comfortable ways, then, after some practice, begin to set boundaries about more consequential matters.
A client told me her boyfriend controlled everything. She felt she had no say in anything. He ordered food, told her when she was tired and hungry. He even dressed her and became upset when she dressed other than he preferred. He held all the money and programmed her cellular phone (blocking some numbers) – for her own good.
She mustered the courage to tell him that despite all-encompassing love, she had her own brain, and would like to use it. She told him she would take over the driver’s seat of her life and be the one to decide on things for herself.
Despite his angry reaction she is learning to be a full person (one with good boundaries). He is apparently too immature to see that stronger boundaries between them will enhance their love, not destroy it.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Family |
2 Comments »
December 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
Twelve ways to have a fulfilling day…
- Surrender the illusion of control you have over everyone you love.
- Trust your instincts when they point you toward doing something good for those who least expect it of you.
- Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot.
- Look across the restaurant and then, having chosen someone, collude with your waiter to pay for that person’s meal. Ask the waiter not to identify who did it.
- Contact an old friend.
- Leave a few groceries on the steps of someone whom you know is in a hard place.
- Forgive your enemies.
- Carpool.
- Visit your next-door neighbors.
- Refuse to gossip.
- Pick up litter.
- Go the extra mile for someone who has hurt you in the past.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Listening, Long distance relationships, Parenting/Children, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)
Please, pass this on...
This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.
Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.
Posted in Boundaries, Divorce, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Violence, Voice |
9 Comments »
December 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend is very jealous. I cannot make phone calls, read email or go out for lunch without him becoming enraged. He says this is natural and it will change after we are married.
He is wrong on both counts: it is not “natural.” It will not change when you marry. It will become worse. So, if you want your “wings” trimmed go ahead and marry him. At least you know what you are getting into and you can prepare for a life of conflict over your natural desire to know and relate to other people (including males). It is natural to want friends of both genders, to widen your interests and to sometimes want to explore the world with people other than your spouse. There are sufficient “red flags” that I’d suggest you run a mile from this guy until he grows up, gets some confidence about himself, sees that his jealousy will destroy the relationship he says he values. Do not change your behavior that he says is making him jealous. His jealousy has nothing to do with your behavior. He has the feeling – he has the problem. Do not try to solve his problem. You might as well try and “swing from a star.”
Added 4/11/09: There are many other later columns about jealousy on this website. Please do a search for them.
Reader, in the event you wish to talk, send me an Email and I will make time for you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Triggers, Trust |
6 Comments »
December 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My relationships begin well then I find out the person has a whole lot of baggage. If this continues I will be alone and never get married. Do you have any suggestions?”
There are worse conditions than singleness. If you do not believe me, ask any person trapped in a toxic marriage. To be lonely, and be married, must surely be far worse than being single and lonely.
Now to my suggestions: Next time you meet someone you’d like to date, demand a copy of his or her latest credit report, conduct an extensive interviews (in secret) with several of his or her former spouses or significant others, meet (in secret) with as many persons in his or her extended family as possible. Secure (secretively) and study a copy of his or her family tree. Insist on a full medical (try to talk to the doctor yourself). Having completed all of the above, and having found everything acceptable, agree to lunch in a well-lit restaurant. Drive separately.
To avoid all disappointment, remove all mystery and romance from your prospective relationship and, just to be sure, analyze everything to death. Then, if he or she sticks around, you (and I mean only you!) might have found yourself a winner.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Family |
3 Comments »
December 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My son (14) has had a turn-around that is hard to imagine. He is getting down to his work. He is talking with me. He is being more respectful at home and trying to have cordial conversations with me. I cannot tell you how proud I am and how glad I am that something has ‘clicked’ for him. I am living with my nerves on end about when things will change back again and he will be back to himself. Can this last?”
I am very pleased your son is “seeing the light” and responding to whatever is helping him realize that it is he who is indeed in charge of his emotions and his future. Like most parents, I am sure you have come to expect that people can go one step forward and three steps back in a very short pace of time. Affirm your son’s progress – and believe in it. Treating him as if his changes are less than real will only serve to undermine the very efforts he is attempting to make.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Manipulation |
1 Comment »
December 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?
Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.
I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.
Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Re-marriage, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
5 Comments »
December 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
Who among the soccer-loving readership, and who of course are old enough to remember, cannot long for the days when Durban City, Durban United, and Addington were the premier professional soccer teams in Natal?
My interest in Durban soccer peaked in the mid-sixties, when I spent many a Sunday cheering for Norman Elliot’s Durban City. They were my team and their paraphernalia adorned my every surrounding. The players were my heroes and on many occasions, at the end of a game, I jumped the small white fence around the field at Kingsmead in search of autographs.
I recall the crazy crowds under the spell of center forward Bobby Chalmers, who pounded goals with great ease through United’s goalkeeper George Ryder.
Who cannot recall, and not still be filled with wonder at the remarkable power Les Salton could pack behind a ball, or not wonder at the grace and ease of Henry Houser, the captain and power behind Addington?
But my personal heroes were first Bobby Chalmers, then Alan Varner, Keith Blackburn, John Rugg and George Wooten – all Durban City stars.
Any information about where these stars are now would be most welcome.
(I was overwhelmed with letters from readers about these days and these players).
Posted in Uncategorized |
117 Comments »
December 3, 2006
by Rod Smith
While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why a woman would remain the target of abuse, here are things I have heard from women (and a few men) in toxic relationships:
1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m just a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”
The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
15 Comments »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
