“I’m in my early thirties and married for two years. I have lost all interest in sex. My wife has been trying to help but now she is angry, frustrated, and hurt. I feel more and more depressed. I love my wife and it hurts to see her cry. When she kisses me I shut down. I tell her to stop; I laugh it off, or pretend I’m busy. I am trying to figure this out and I can’t. The best conclusion is that I am very stressed. I have a lot of anxiety right now. I don’t know why but I went from being the ‘alpha male’ to avoiding confrontations. I don’t know who I am anymore. My wife has been an angel and I seem to be getting worse. I don’t want to go out of my marriage. I am being 100% honest when I say that my wife is very attractive and fit, and sexy. I am frustrated and angry with myself. I am at the end of my rope and I think so is she. I am not gay. The worst part is we want kids and just the thought of having to have sex. I am just considering going to the doctor and getting anxiety pills to help me.” (Edited)
I am confused because he continues to see me……
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
He helped me through a dark time……
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
A father writes…..
“I follow you articles with interest. Your column on ‘forgiveness’, has never been more appropriate or relevant as it was today. On Sunday night, after my wife and I had conflict with our son, our hearts were broken and we felt betrayed and offended. In our minds our son was beautiful, caring, and a model of consistency. This was shattered in one moment. We all cried!
I went to his room to say goodnight and that I love him, but I did not forgive him. I don’t think either of us slept.
The next day (today) I left for work before he woke up. My heart was very heavy. I read the paper and with it came your ‘forgiveness’ article.
I copied it and took it home then and there. It could not have come at a better time.
It made me realize a few things: Nobody is perfect; my job as his father is to protect, offer advice, guide, respect and most of all love; I need to provide him with an environment that he can make mistakes and allow for normal engagement. He must not be afraid to come to me, for anything. I can’t wait to see him tonight!
Thanks for the help, I really needed it.”
(Edited for space and privacy)
My whole week was full of butterflies…….
“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”
I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.
I’m crazy about him……
“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”
it will be from the fire, into the fire.....
Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.
Leadership – a brief refresher…..
Leadership is often misunderstood. I see leaders (pastors, teachers, coaches) looking for formulas, for steps, for ways to show who is boss. They look for workers (congregants, students, athletes) who will make them appear successful. I have seen leaders grasping for power and status in the illusive search of abating feelings of inadequacy.
And when we (every leader is prone to these temptations) do any of these things as leaders, we miss the point.
Leadership is an inside job.
It’s an internal condition. It’s understanding a function, a role, rather than becoming an identity in which we glory.
Authentic leaders are more interested in changing themselves than they are in changing others. They are more committed to personal integration (reducing hypocrisy) than they are into pushing, moving, manipulating others in a particular direction.
In pursuit of greater levels of personal integration, authentic leaders are ruthlessly honest with themselves and with a few core carefully chosen family members and carefully chosen friends. They are unafraid of feedback, and when and if they are, they overcome it by facing the fear and enduring the feedback. Authentic leaders consistently pursue the double-edged goal of constantly increasing both intimacy and autonomy at one and the same time.
The power to forgive…
Forgiveness is a wonderful, divine, gift. It can most dramatically precipitate healing among and within people. He who chooses to forgive seldom loses. He (or she) who initiates forgiveness reveals his strength. It is the stronger person who is first to forgive, and when the exchange is made, both parties – the forgiver and the forgiven – each benefit from the act.
As quickly as you find it possible, and can muster the strength from within you: forgive when you have been wronged; when you are uncomfortable being around a particular person and would rather avoid them; when you find you have little or nothing positive to say to or about someone; when you always look for a way to avoid a certain person;
when you find it hard to think positive thoughts about someone.
Forgive when someone’s actions (real or perceived) seem to be buried or sealed into your consciousness and you can’t seem to free them from the prison in your head. Forgive when you feel haunted by someone whose acts against you will not let you go.
Forgiveness links us with the divine, heals fragile families, hurting communities and restores hope within broken people – and sets the forgiver free.
Operating in the “opposite spirit” —
Opposite spirit: it's more difficlut than it sounds....
Pioneering what has, in 50 years, become a vast army of people serving God and others, “YWAM” (Durban has a base, too) has been an agent of grace and change in remarkable ways all over the world.
The Cunninghams speak often of “the opposite spirit”, a concept I find deeply challenging.
Here’s a complex concept in a nutshell: If someone wants to fight (argue, be antagonistic) identify and offer the opposite (peace, grace, cooperation). If someone is arrogant or pushy, offer praise and acceptance. Resist the natural urge to fight the fighter or bring someone down a peg or two.
I’ve seen Loren do this. I’ve seen him learn from those who would do better to listen and learn from him. I’ve seen him stare down an angry person, not with force or power, but with love and acceptance. I have seen him repeatedly give, when he himself is in need.
My inner-urge to fight fire with fire is strong, but the likes or Loren, and many people whom I have met in YWAM, have shown me that it is more productive and helpful to “go counter”, to offer kindness, when others are bent on offering its antithesis.
My ex is a kind man but he changes plans all the time……
My ex-husband and I are continually at war about when he can see our son. He changes plans and I have to re-arrange things. My son (5) doesn’t seem to care if he sees his dad or not and I am starting to think it is not worth the bother. My ex is a very kind man, he is just very busy and cannot always predict his work schedule. Please help.
Being “at war” with a “kind man” must be preferable to “war” with one who is unkind. Your acknowledgment of his kindness is, I suspect, as healthy as your acknowledgment that his inconsistencies are apparently the result of variables outside of his control.
Your son’s appearance to not care about seeing his dad ought not fool you. The child probably feels caught up in your frustrations and knows that demonstrating his desire to see his father may further upset you. Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to play the role of peacekeeper.
Cooperate all you can to get your son to his dad as often as is pleasing to both parents. The likelihood of your paying a stiff price later on, if the boy perceives you as having kept him from his dad, is very strong.
