July 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
It all connected...
experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.
“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) is connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man whom I have refused to talk to for the past five years?”
Indeed.
“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”
Indeed.
When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships. A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows. Yes. It is all indeed connected.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Responsive people, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is steadily gaining weight. He is obese (30kg over-weight) and we’re in our thirties. I’ve tried changing to a healthy eating routine and he loses interest. I’ve bought trainers to encourage him to begin walking with me. I have told him directly he needs to lose weight and he does nothing. It angers me that I make the effort to stay in shape by eating healthily and exercising regularly for various reasons, one of which is so that he can be proud of me in public. I am turned off in the bedroom and avoid intimacy whenever. I’m bothered that I’m looking at other men because I do love my husband. How do I get him to realize that this is a serious issue for me without hurting his feelings?”
KATHRYN: Pushing him to lose weight is producing the opposite results. No amount of energy spent on your part will ever be enough. The weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts about other men points to intimacy problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Plan a date for the two of you and look beneath the layers of subcutaneous tissue where you will indeed find your husband again. Energy spent in this way will not be wasted and perhaps he will begin discovering who he is and see you again in the process.
ROD: 1. Get his weight off your shoulders by telling him your complete truth. Your emotional health is more important than his feelings. Incredibly, he is free to dig his grave with his teeth or to find appropriate help.
2. Never have sex you don’t want.
3. Realize that while you perceive yourself as responsible for his health you will ruin your own. While it’s your issue it will never be his. The best help you can be is by NOT helping.
4. Get out of his sinking boat by taking your hands off his diet, exercise, and image. Remember the more your work the more he won’t. Sorry, this is not because your husband is in some manner peculiar, it is the nature of dependency.
JEAN: If you are frustrated that your husbandhas gained weight since your marriage, there must be frustration on his part too. Advice we listen to; but it’s pain we obey. Your husband will need to realize himself that he doesn’t want to be overweight because recovery for him will be hard work. Addiction in a relationship can subtly draw in the partner who tries to ‘fix’ the other. When he or she can’t, he or she can become controlling, angry, and resentful. Find ways to encourage your husband but look after your own needs. Seek help about wanting someone else.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Recovery, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been seeing a man for two years. We’re both in our early thirties. I really want to get married but he never talks about. How can I get him to talk about marrying me and about where this relationship is going? We need more communication.”
Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com
1.
“No communication” is impossible. You are missing what is already being said. Couples often think the issue is “more communication” and fail to hear what is already being communicated. He is “telling” you that he has no interest in being married to you.
2.
The passive “partner” runs the relationship. The frustrations you already feel will become life long frustrations if you do marry. If you have to work this hard before you are married do you think being married will be any easier? There’s power in being passive and he’s got it. You’re working this thing as if your life depends on it and he is silent.
3.
The harder you work, the more passive he will become. He has all the power and leverage because, in seeking it, you have given it to him. This is a simple, albeit perverse, law of relationships.
4. He has already decided where this relationship is “going.”
You get to decide if you will go “nowhere” with him.
5. Can it be redeemed? Perhaps.
Start by completely backing off. Emulate his passivity. It might jump-start him into action. Then again, it might not.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Faith, Family, Triangles, Trust |
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February 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
If you can hear the voice of a spouse of lover saying any of the following 10 points to you, I’d suggest your relationship could use some renewal.
Don’t say you love me and then…
- Disregard (write off, refuse to consider) what I say, think, and feel.
- Demand from me, or try to manipulate me into, sexual acts I do not want.
- Offer me less times and energy than you give to your most casual acquaintances.
- Refuse to initiate or participate in respectful and helpful conversations.
- Avoid initiating mutual, regular physical, mutually desired, intimacy.
- Hold grudges for years, bring up old issues time again, and hit me with things I thought were long forgiven and forgotten between us.
- Abandon me (physically or emotionally) with the responsibility of rearing our children under the guise of supporting the family. I need you to support the family AND help with the children – this is what adults, who are parents, do.
- Blind-side me with the unexpected: unpaid debts, hidden activities, unusual expenditures, and secret, inappropriate liaisons.
- Avoid “alone” time with me.
- Belittle me in any manner, let alone in front of our family and friends.
Posted in Attraction, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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January 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
Are you estranged from a family member? Here, modified according to your needs* and circumstances, and expressed in your own words and style, is the gist of offering a “Here I Stand” challenge:
“Here I stand, my son, despite our painful history, desiring to be a loving parent and grandparent to you and to your children. Given the opportunity of inclusion, I will work hard at correcting my past ills. If you choose to see me I will not:
- Speak ill of anyone, not immediate or distant family, not of people from past relationships, or anyone newly incorporated into your life.
- Be shaming, demanding, or accusatory.
- Make unreasonable requests of you, or want anything from you that you are not willing to offer.
- Be impatient with you, but will rather seek to be affirming, kind, and light-hearted. I will regard a relationship with you and your children as a treasured gift.
“My continued desire to be included in your life and family is not an attempt to manipulate you, but rather to minimize future regret. You, an adult, get to choose the level of my involvement with you, and, while I am powerless over your decisions, I hope you will decide in favor of gradual, and then complete, reconciliation with me.”
* This letter is geared for a parent estranged from an adult son and grandchildren
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Recovery, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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December 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
You advise women to stand up to their jealous or controlling husbands. Don’t you know the Bible says wives must submit to husbands?
Please write, I'm reading...
I do. Paul says, “wives submit to your husbands,” and one can safely assume Paul is addressing all of his writings to both men and women. A husband who loves according to Paul’s descriptions of love is both safe and worthy of submission! Such a man will indeed not be going out of his way to secure the obedience of others.
Beware of any man whose knowledge of Scripture begins, and ends, with “wives submit to your husbands.” Loving men (leaders, bosses, teachers) have no desire (or craving) for the submission (obedience) of others. “Love seeks no power, and therefore has it,” says Alan Paton.
Submitting (“giving in”) to jealousy or controlling or abusive behavior is certainly not very helpful to the marriage, the husband or wife.
The Bible doesn’t require anyone to submit (accept, obey) anyone’s pathological behavior, whether it is from a spouse, pastor, or any leader. To resist (stand up to) pathological behavior, however (wherever, whenever) it rears its ugly head, is to do the perpetrator (spouse, pastor, leader) a loving service.
Submitting to damaging behavior can hardly result in helpful long-term outcomes.
Sadly, I have seen many a woman hang onto the hope that the husband will eventually change (stop drinking, beating, swearing, and go to church!) if she could just learn to really “submit.” I know women who believe their husband’s abuse is deserved – a “reward” for the failure to really submit. If abusive men (yes jealousy and control are forms of abuse) were as interested in Paul’s injunction to men: “love your wife as Christ loved the Church,” we’d be pleasantly engaged in a completely different discussion.
No. The monster (jealousy) will not go away if continually fed. It only gets more controlling, more demanding, and more viscous when it is not appeased.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
It is in us to love. It’s human. We have the capacity for it. Even hurt and rejected people can love. Once a person accepts that love has more than romantic connotations, as powerful and valid as these of course are, he or she will be able to see its broader power.
Love is unleashed through simple, but not easy, human acts of seeking the highest good both for oneself and for others. Acts of offering unearned forgiveness, of reaching out to the estranged, of welcoming a stranger, of letting go of all prejudice, of rejecting dishonesty – all begin within the individual human heart.
When a person intentionally facilitates others toward finding and enjoying and exercising the full range of their humanity, he or she will know and see and experience the powerhouse love is.
Even people with reason to reject others, having themselves been rejected or treated inhumanely, have it in them to love, if they dare to muster the courage for it. It comes quite naturally to the courageous person, and when it is unleashed, the purposes and the meaning of life surge into the heart of all who have the courage to hear and respond to its powerful call.
If you want a bound edition of all 400+ columns GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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November 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few readers have asked what letters look like BEFORE I publish them. Here is a FULL and UNEDITED letter. My response is in BOLD. (Since newspapers limit columns to 220 words, this will not run in any paper “as is”…..
“I have recently started going out with a man (5 months ago). He has a female friend (K) who also happens to be a recent ex of his. They dated for approximately ten years with a break in between of about 3 years where he was with another woman (L). After breaking up with L he then returned to a sexual relationship with this ‘friend’ (K).
[Clearly this is a very deep connection between the man and K. Ten years, you will probably agree, is a long time to be together.]
“He had not been seeing K sexually for over a year when I started going out with him, but had continued to see her very regularly (3-4 times a week) on a friendship basis. This has continued even after I have started seeing him.
[So you knew this going into the relationship and this was something about him no one was hiding from you. Yet three of four times a week is a lot of time with a friend, even a “best” friend. Most people would suggest this is more than a friendship even if it is not a sexual connection. Be sure, if there was anyone in my life I was spending this amount of time with other than my immediate family others would expect it to have more meaning than simply a good friend.]
“Once I started going out with him I requested to meet K.
[This is a healthy and legitimate request and I commend you on making it.]
“She said that she did not see the need.
[She did not make the request. You saw the need and you made the request. You did not ask her because of what you thought she needed but based on what you need.]
“She says that as the ex she does not want to meet the present girlfriend.
[Correct. She is the ex and she doesn’t want to meet you, BUT you want to meet her and she is important to HIM and therefore meeting her is important to you. A good friend to HIM will also want to be a good friend to YOU if she knows YOU are important to HIM.]
“By chance we met her twice at two different restaurants but the meeting was very strained and uncomfortable.
[Of course it was. I trust you were friendly and gracious since they are only friends. If you see where the discomfort was coming from you will know where the issue is.]
“I do not have a problem with him continuing a friendship with her but I do not wish this to be exclusive of myself.
[So you DO have a problem if it excludes you but you do not if it somewhat includes you – this is perfectly reasonable.]
“I trust that he is not engaged in more than a friendship at the moment with K but would still like to understand more about the dynamics between them and to feel more secure in my position in his life.
[Your security in HIS – life – whatever this means, has nothing to do with their relationship. I am more interested in your security within YOUR life.]
“I feel that at the moment she has the benefits of both the anonymity of an ex and that of a friend who can see him at any time. She refuses to come to any functions when groups of our friends are going to be there. Rather she chooses to see him with her own friends or on her own. I feel excluded from a part of his life and this is creating conflict between us. We rarely fight about much else.
[You are correct. She is getting what she wants but is not concerned with its impact on her friend or on you – she says she is a friend of his but is not behaving as one.]
“To be fair to him, he has requested that she meet me and has explained that it upsets me to be excluded from their friendship. However, as she has categorically stated that she does not wish to meet me and sees no need, he feels that one should not force her to do so.
[Bingo! She sees no need! It is not her needs you are talking about or trying to fulfill. It is your need to meet her and this is the issue. If she were just a friend to him she’d willingly comply. I go out of my way to meet people my friends really like. This is normal friendship! You are trying “to be fair” to him and he is trying to be fair to HER and it seems to be at the expense of being fair to YOU.]
“He feels that his friendship with her pre-dates me by a long way and that he does should not have to sacrifice this friendship for my benefit.
[Well that is something each of you gets to decide for yourselves. You get to decide if you can be with a man who hangs onto past relationships and can’t seem to move on or include past people in his new life. He gets to decide which relationship he really wants. You get to decide if you can share him in this way. If he wants a long-term relationship with you – like marriage – believe me he is going to have to give up a lot more than friendship with a former girlfriend. When you have children the children will demand he give up a whole lot he perhaps thinks he can hold onto. Here’s the essential truth: love means making choices that help each other live more fully and he is helping an ex at the expense of helping you. You get to decide if you can live with this or nor.]
“He often reads the Natal Mercury (Independent Newspapers) South Africa, and has often commented that he thinks your advice is very sound. I wonder whether you could provide us with some of this wisdom in how to proceed with our relationship from here.”
[I am delighted he reads The Mercury and I am very grateful for all the readers in that part of the world. I trust you will share my thoughts with him and with her. I do not seek to be RIGHT – just helpful and I trust this helps you. You get to decide how you will be treated and therefore you get to decide where this relationship goes from here. It is up to you. Not him. Not her. It is up to you.]
Have a great day,
Rod Smith, MSMFT
Posted in Attraction, Sexual compatibility, Space, Trust, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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November 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. When being right (correct, moral, accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sacrifice his or her need to be right in order to love.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you” and are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person remains non-anxious.
3. When love and control are synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each other’s thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.
Posted in Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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November 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
The power and sacredness of sex …
Morality, religious beliefs, and family values and expectations aside, which, by the way I believe is impossible to do, don’t have sex with a person whom you do not know, and are not committed to in every area of your life, for the long haul.
To say “it (sex) is just a physical thing” is naïve, shortsighted, and misguided.
Sexual behavior is powerfully connected to the essence of who and what each of us is, and to regard it lightly or with flippancy, dismisses the powerful, creative, and beautiful place sex occupies in the engine room of each our lives, whether married or single.
To regard sexual acts as purely (only) physical is absurd.
Sexuality, and its expression through physical acts, potentially combines your whole heart, mind, your spirit (or inner being) and your body – in a sacred act of shared love, resulting in mutual replenishment, mutual recharging, and the willing refocus, as a couple on all that is mutually and individually important.
It is impossible to get the best out of sex (or put your best into sex) with a stranger, or with someone you hardly know, and with whom you have no long-term shared responsibilities and commitments.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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