My husband is steadily gaining weight…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband is steadily gaining weight. He is obese (30kg over-weight) and we’re in our thirties. I’ve tried changing to a healthy eating routine and he loses interest. I’ve bought trainers to encourage him to begin walking with me. I have told him directly he needs to lose weight and he does nothing. It angers me that I make the effort to stay in shape by eating healthily and exercising regularly for various reasons, one of which is so that he can be proud of me in public. I am turned off in the bedroom and avoid intimacy whenever. I’m bothered that I’m looking at other men because I do love my husband. How do I get him to realize that this is a serious issue for me without hurting his feelings?”

KATHRYN: Pushing him to lose weight is producing the opposite results. No amount of energy spent on your part will ever be enough. The weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts about other men points to intimacy problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Plan a date for the two of you and look beneath the layers of subcutaneous tissue where you will indeed find your husband again. Energy spent in this way will not be wasted and perhaps he will begin discovering who he is and see you again in the process.

ROD: 1. Get his weight off your shoulders by telling him your complete truth. Your emotional health is more important than his feelings. Incredibly, he is free to dig his grave with his teeth or to find appropriate help.
2. Never have sex you don’t want.
3. Realize that while you perceive yourself as responsible for his health you will ruin your own. While it’s your issue it will never be his. The best help you can be is by NOT helping.
4. Get out of his sinking boat by taking your hands off his diet, exercise, and image. Remember the more your work the more he won’t. Sorry, this is not because your husband is in some manner peculiar, it is the nature of dependency.

JEAN: If you are frustrated that your husbandhas gained weight since your marriage, there must be frustration on his part too. Advice we listen to; but it’s pain we obey. Your husband will need to realize himself that he doesn’t want to be overweight because recovery for him will be hard work. Addiction in a relationship can subtly draw in the partner who tries to ‘fix’ the other. When he or she can’t, he or she can become controlling, angry, and resentful. Find ways to encourage your husband but look after your own needs. Seek help about wanting someone else.

2 Comments to “My husband is steadily gaining weight…..”

  1. Dear Reader:
    If your marriage is at stake, seek the help of a professional marriage counselor to help you both sort out the issues. Love your husband toward wellness so that he can love you back.

  2. unless this wife is a therapist she should stick to “I” statements.
    I feel _______
    I am _______
    I’d like _________
    anything else and she’s going to be overstepping bounds. his weight is HIS problem and if she makes it hers there’s more then a little codependency happening…

    and i’m also in her position. tho i am steadfastly keeping my mouth shut beyond “babe, that shirt doesn’t fit you quite right, the buttons are pulling. would you like for me to go shopping for you?? you know i LOVE to shop!!!”
    and typically he replies ‘i didn’t notice, thanks. but sure you can shop for me”
    and i just leave it at that.

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