“I am struggling to keep my marriage together. My wife, a heavy smoker, smokes in the house, in every room, and even smokes in the bedroom when I am there. She smokes watching television. She does not care where she smokes. As a trained nurse she should know better. I have asked her to be considerate and smoke in places that will not affect her families’ health. The request falls on deaf ears. She reminds me that I was once a smoker. I make her tea every morning and we drink it together, then she lights up. She works from her office at home and smokes continuously. I cannot sit and talk to her in the office, as the smoke is terrible. What should I do?”

KATHRYN: Having smoked in the past has no bearing and, is no reason to compromise your health by continuing to allow your wife to smoke in the home you share. Putting herself at risk for lung cancer is her prerogative. Jeopardizing your health, and your children’s health, shows her lack of respect. When the smoke is present, you are not. Consider looking at how you have allowed the smoke to act as a barrier in your marriage.

ROD: This is a smokescreen. Deeper, longer-lasting, unresolved matters among you lay beneath every pack of cigarettes. And, Sir, it is easy to think you are the hero/victim (having quit the habit) and to think of your wife as the villain for persistently lighting up. These matters are seldom simple. Couples therapy is highly recommended and that you find a professional with the chutzpa to help you and your wife find, then fight, your enduring unresolved battles.

JEAN: There are three broad principles I like to suggest in regards to your marriage. The first is ‘Care for yourself’; the second ‘Care for your mate’ and the last is ‘Care for your marriage’. Seek help in why you have poured yourself out for your family with little thought to your own needs. You will be surprised at what you find.