1. When being right (correct, moral, accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sacrifice his or her need to be right in order to love.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you” and are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person remains non-anxious.
3. When love and control are synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each other’s thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.
Relationships suffer…
10 Comments to “Relationships suffer…”
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Well said, Rod.
So many of us have underlying beliefs about ourselves that are driven by FEAR – and these fears manifest themselves in a need to be right, a tendency toward anxiety, a desire to be the controller in our relationships, or even an impulse to ‘melt’ into our partners so that we lack individuality.
Usually the FEAR is that we’re ‘not good enough’, or we don’t ‘measure up’ to others – and it often goes on at a subconscious level.
Let’s promote the need for self-awareness, because once we realize what’s driving us, we can soon change it. Our relationships will improve, and we’ll not only have healthier families: society as a whole will benefit.
Best wishes to you and yours – and cheers from Sunny Scotland!
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Great thoughts! Rod.
You just reminded me of a former boss of mine who professed to love and wanted me to sacrifice my personal dreams and aspirations for his, all in the name of wanting to mentor me. Each time I remember, I keep asking myself: where then is a genuiune true love in his relationship with me?
I think this is one of the greatest diseases in relationships nowadays, especially in a setting where a so-called mentor/leader likes dictating to his followers how to live their lives.
Once again, thanks Rod for your thoughts. They are simply superb!
Tope Omomo (Nigeria) -
OMG… #1 and #3 sound just like my ex husband. He always had to be right, and i always had to wear the clothes and hairstyles HE liked. Being young and naive, I did it, but I got wise and openly defied him. About eight years ago, he asked why I didn’t feel for him as I did when we first met. I told him “because I’m not 15 years old anymore.” At that point, I knew the marriage was over. A year after that, we separated. We’d been to counseling, but he wasn’t doing the things that would have possibly saved our marriage, because he thought he knew it all.
This is a good post that everyone needs to read.