October 31, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter in law is like my own daughter. We are very close. She says I am the mother she never had. For a few weeks, even months, she has been very sad about being unable to become pregnant. I have been giving her all the encouragement I can give her. I am finding it difficult to talk to my son about this and wanted to ask you if I should talk to him about it.”
Be encouraged that you and your daughter-in-law have found a relationship that you each find fulfilling. I’d suggest you continue offering her all the support you can while she is experiencing the stress of trying to become pregnant.
It might be wise to talk with your son about these matters only if he raises the topic with you. Short of him telling you he’d like to discuss it, I’d suggest you leave him to find an outlet that he finds comfortable.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
October 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
I took on two stepchildren twelve years ago who have become wonderful adults who love all their parents. Here are some things I did to make life easier:
- I didn’t take the place of anyone. I took my place.
- I didn’t get in the way of their affections for their parents, but expected them to be well mannered and enjoyed their affection when offered.
- I got out of the way when there was conflict and let the people who had known the children the longest sort it out. If I was a source of the conflict I admitted it, stood my ground, or apologized.
- I found being rigid doesn’t work too well with any kind of family.
- I did not get caught up in trying to make everything fair. I realized this was a trap and I wasn’t going to spend my life measuring everything.
- I got out of the way when the children had conflict with each other and I encouraged their father to do the same.
- When I did not have full cooperation from my husband I let him know immediately.
- I was friendly with the children’s mother so we could cooperate regarding the children.
(Synthesized from a conversation)
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
October 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife spends a lot of time at home because of family commitments and I understand that she needs to circulate with other people. When she does go out she seems to go over the top and stays out late. She doesn’t want to talk to, stating that she knows everything about me. When she spends a lot of time with other men, I tend to get jealous. I have been married before and I am scared that my wife will leave me for another man which is what happened in my previous marriage. She says she loves me but I don’t know whether of not to believe her. I am really fighting with my self internally to give her the space she requires and to not stifle her. Is there some things I might read, or things I should do to try and releive my fear, or try and get to the bottom of how she feels.”
Getting to the bottom of how you feel is sufficiently difficult, let alone trying to get to the bottom of how she feels. Leave her feelings alone. Read David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. The book will help you see where you end and she begins – that is what is at the core of your troubles.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Listening, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Schnarch, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
October 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife is having an ‘emotional affair’ with a best friend who spends more time with her than I do. He hears more about her life than I do, and is closer to her than I am. I watch this happening and over time it gets more and more intense and I am supposed to be calm because it is a close friendship. We have children, a house, and careers: a lot to give up for this ‘friendship’ that carries none of the responsibilities of the marriage. Am I supposed to stand by patiently or blow it all out of the water? Please help.” (Condensed, with permission, from a conversation)
AIr your views, please...
While it might be a tall order, I’d suggest you get to know him, offer also to be a friend to this apparently lonely man. Push the friendship to the limit. It will expose motives, and either re-unite you with your wife, or have you picking up after a divorce. To push, to question, and to join them (especially unexpectedly) when they are together (since she is your wife and they are “just friends” you do not need an invitation to or permission to join them), is your only way to escape the anguished limbo you are currently feeling – and it will offer you the potential to regain emotional intimacy with your wife.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
12 Comments »
October 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter (26) constantly asks for money. She gets dead-end jobs and we have to pay her accounts (bills). We go without while she has everything. She has to have a car (to get to her job) and a cell phone (in case she gets the offer of a better job) and new clothes (to dress for an interview) and in the meantime her dad and I are forking out every month! Please help.” (Letter consolidated)
While you “fork out” your daughter has no motivation to change! Your niceness assists your mutual destruction. Stop. Today! Stop paying a cent toward anything for her. Turn off the source. I know I’ll be flooded with Emails suggesting I am hard, unkind, and don’t understand. I’ll be told it is clear that I am not a mother! Others will tell me things are different in South Africa and because I live in the USA I am out of touch with what it is like to be young in South Africa. Gosh, your daughter is 26! How much longer will you allow her to live like a dependent child. She is an adult.
Spoilt young adults (believe me America is full of them) are spoilt young adults no matter where they live. While you persist in bailing your daughter out, she will persist in giving you a hole into which you can throw your money. Stop. This is YOUR problem, not hers.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Reactivity |
Leave a Comment »
October 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I feel like punching someone. My co-workers don’t like me because I’m honest to them and they feel threatened that I will take their jobs. I’ve been working here for 5 months and it feels like a lifetime. I need an advice on how to handle gossiping and moody co-workers.”
While punching someone might bring you some relief and satisfaction, the rewards throwing a punch would be very short-lived. So, don’t. Most workplaces do not condone violence among employees.
Hold onto yourself even when the temptation is raging within you. Focus on your job (role, tasks, responsibilities) and offer your responsibilities your very best efforts.
Hard workers, focused employees, loyal men and women who refuse to gossip and join the usual office negative banter (bad-mouthing the job, boss, other co-workers) are often singled out by the lower function employees and become targets simply because they are diligent, and therefore show up their lower functioning counterparts.
But sometimes over-zealous employees are rejected by co-workers, not because they threaten other peoples’ jobs, but simply because their social skills are so undeveloped their behavior attracts mirthful attention.
Take some time to discern which camp you are in.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
October 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Dear Stuck:
Note I have broken my own rules about keeping every entry to fewer than 250 words! But Stuck – I wanted you to hear from me, even if you might not like what I have to say.
Your letter appears below with my comments in BOLD and italics. I am sorry it took me so long to get to your letter:
“My best friend and I have known each other for 8 yrs. I have been in love with him for 5 years. He knows how I feel, but when I realized how much I cared, he was in a relationship. They even had a child together. They ended the relationship about 18 months ago and she is dating someone new yet continually professes her love for him still. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with her in that way.
I understand “in that way” but what is he doing about parenting and supporting the child they share? If he is not supporting his child – you have not said where the child is – I would move on no matter how much love you feel.
“He also began working with me and even relocated to living with me to get out of a bad family living situation.
I trust he is paying his way while living in your home?
“His ex has actually moved with his family since she lost her job. So he is living hours away with me while she is down there living with his sisters. He says he loves me but he is not ready for a relationship.
I’d suggest this is true. He is not ready for a relationship when he has a child from whom he is separated. I must assume he is busy being a dad (driving back and forth to see his child) while also trying to earn a living.
“We are not intimate (good – this would not be good for your long-term health and friendship) but we are together basically 24/7.
“Occasionally he will try to get me to go out on dates (how valiant of him) since he says he is not ready yet and doesn’t know when he will be. He doesn’t want me to wait for him. I feel really stuck.
The feeling is appropriate – you are stuck and it is not about him or your love for him but about you who seems to refuse to move on from a man who has declared he doesn’t want an intimate relationship with you.
“I have tried to tell him that while I have feelings for him I cannot remain friends with him if we never go anywhere simply because as long as he is in my life I feel as though I will never fall in love with someone else.
You got it. You don’t need me to tell you these things. You already know the answers. So have him move out. Today.
“His ex really broke his heart. He honestly felt that it was forever and he gave himself completely to her. However she cheated and lied and destroyed him. Now I am the only woman he trusts and talks to. He hasn’t even been with anyone since her. My dilemma is this. Do I try to wait to see what develops? Do I walk away? What do I do?? I am so confused. And every time people see us together they always think we are married. It doesn’t help that he is very affectionate with me, arms around me, flirting with me, wrestling with me and so forth. But that’s how its been for 7 yrs. what do i do? Please help.
Stuck”
Wow – this guy’s got you eating out of the palms of his hands and he has you believing he is so hurt and such a victim to his ex! Move on….. He doesn’t have what you are looking for. Send him on a journey to fend for his child.
From Stuck – sometime later…..
“So I haven’t seen any reply from you regarding my situation. Did I do something wrong? Am I not doing this correctly? I see others leave comments and you respond. I leave one and get nothing. Am I supposed to leave money somewhere or something to get you to respond? Or is my situation not valid enough for your response… confused… and still…STUCK.”
I am pleased to respond to you but I do not OWE you a reply. Yes your issue is VALID but you already know what you need to do and I am not sure you will hear anything from me anyway! You will continue to be STUCK until you change directions and meet some new people and move in the circles of people who make wiser choices than the man with whom you are currently involved.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
4 Comments »
October 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
I’d suggest that if two or three of the following ring true you might want to get some professional help (or coaching, or peer supervision or whatever is available to you):
1. You think someone has more power over your life than you do.
2. You think your future is not primarily in your hands.
3. You think other people’s needs are always more important than your needs.
4. You feel surrounded by eggshells and therefore monitor everything you say.
5. You live as if someone close to you is carrying a big stick and looking for opportunities to punish you.
6. You generally think you deserve punishment.
7. Everyday you have a sense, a conviction even, that you are going to lose a little more, that another shoe is about to drop, or more unwelcome news is coming.
8. You feel guilty on the rare occasion you are moderately happy.
9. You lie to friends and say you are busy or unavailable when the truth is you are afraid to make plans that might upset your partner or family.
10. You find it difficult to receive favors especially favors you cannot repay.
11. You are suspicious when people enjoy each other and wonder what is really going on.
12. When people are kind to you, you wonder what they really want.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
3 Comments »
October 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:
1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
12 Comments »
October 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
Why is gambling such an addiction (drugs I understand!)?
Where a “big win” is presented as real possibility (thus the publicity afforded “big wins”) the “common” gambler is encouraged to believe the day will come when he or she will win the jackpot.
Gambling is self-defeating for the obvious reason: the stakes are high, and so is the almost inevitable accompanying debt. Where else can one hope to get rid of loads of debt in an instant, but by means of gambling?
It is this very belief that leads to further involvement in the very behavior that one is trying to break.
Do not forget co-addictions. Addictions usually come in pairs. Even threes. The sex addict will usually also have troubles with alcohol, or the gambler with illegal sibstances. Few addicts have ONE addictive behavior, but usually face a few undesired and out-of-control behaviors. And each can destabilize the addict’s life and family.
Is there a cure? Few addicts are “cured” if cured means the addict will no longer face some longings for the behavior or its effects. “Cure” and “management” ought to be exchanged here. When an addict learns to manage the behavior, then he or she might say he or she is “being cured.”
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Grace, Living together, Victims, Violence |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 