Posts tagged ‘moms’

February 6, 2008

Single mom and growing daughter…

by Rod Smith

“I am a single mother with a teenage daughter. This is very tough: earning a living, trying to be available for school activities, trying to have a life of my own, and trying to make up for the absent father who could get in his car and visit occasionally but chooses not to do so – claiming it upsets his new wife. Now my daughter is at an age where her friends are much more important than her family and yet, while I want her to be free, I also do not want to lose the sense of family we do have. Please help.” (Letter shortened)

Your load is not an easy one. I’d suggest you allow the natural process of separation to occur while also keeping some semblance of a schedule that allows your family to remain in tact. Get your focus off what dad is not doing. Celebrate your daughter’s growth, her desire for friendships. Make it easier for her to find her feet apart from what you have known together. Create some flexible arrangement where you share a meal or a movie on a somewhat regular basis. Enjoy your own freedom in the midst of domestic demands. This will offer your daughter something attractive to call home.

January 1, 2008

Single-, or solo-parenting will probably improve if…

by Rod Smith

1. Your courage, determination and your willingness to fully live; your ability and willingness to employ all of your skills and expedite your wildest ambitions – will go a long way toward compensating for the absence of the other parent.

2. Being debilitated by the absence of a partner and living as if a successful life is impossible to lead without a partner will stand to hinder your child and your relationship with your child almost as significantly the absence of the other parent.

3. Having your own life, pursuing interests and dreams that do not involve your child, is good for you and for your child. The laser focus that often comes with solo parenting is hardly helpful to the parent or child.

4. Try to get the focus off your child and how your child is doing in the wake of finding yourself single. Single parents have reared many very successful persons and, believing your child will be successful, despite the absence of the other parent, will set a healthy tone for your family. Besides, as stated by family expert, Rabbi Edwin Friedman, when studied under a microscope even an ant (a small issue) can look like a monster (a significant problem).

December 22, 2007

Birthday Gift – or – My First Family Intervention (Part 1)

by Rod Smith

I think I was eleven. I might have been ten. I waited until Dad returned from the bar and until Mom and Dad were finished with the normal routine of shouting about his drinking and were finished with the attacks and counter attacks I had heard re-run for the full span of my life. I was very tired of it. When it was all said and done, all the topics covered, the room was quiet and she went into another room, I edged close to the wall and down the short hall between our bedrooms. I entered sideways to be less noticeable.

It had to be the two of us; I wanted no interference from anyone else in the family. I looked at him face-to-face.

“You’re a coward.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You’re a coward. I hate you.” The hate part I did not plan and wished I hadn’t said the moment it left my mouth.

I had his attention even though things were not going to plan. He turned red and sad and nervous. There was no backing down:

“If you’re not a coward, prove it by never drinking ever again.”

“I will.”

“Then sign this.”

From the pajama jacket pocket I took the contract:

“I, the undersigned Mr. E.W.G. Smith, will prove to my son, that from tomorrow (the date), onwards and forever, I will never drink again, ever.” Witness One, and Witness Two, and a line for E.W.G. Smith’s signature were at the bottom.

I could see his surprise as he read.

“I’ll sign it if I can have one drink on Christmas days only.”

I took the contract and I added with the way you add things to contracts that he could drink on Christmas days only. Forever.

I gave it back to him. He moved to sit up in his bed. I called for my mother to be the legal witness one and for my brother to be legal witness two, so when he awoke the next day and I showed him the signed contract, he couldn’t say that he did not sign it or that I had made him sign it or that he did not know what he was doing. I knew how contracts worked and for these reasons, I could not be one of the witnesses.

While there were some cynical comments from my witnesses, I was dead serious. He sat up in his bed. He signed it. I was happy about that. We were all happy. I had a good sleep.

He did not come out of his room for many days except to throw up in the toilet.

Mother took meals into him.

I heard her tell him how important this was to me, and that he could not let me down now.

I was sad when I heard him cry, but I knew I had done the right thing despite the pain he felt. He was “dry” (a word which I knew from books I had read) for a long time.

Everything was peaceful until midnight on the night I turned twelve or eleven cause my birthday is on Christmas Eve. He kept the contract perfectly and began with a bottle of brandy held up to his lips at exactly one minute past my birthday.

The next day, which was Christmas Day, he forgot there ever was a contract.

My whole body got very stiff in my back and my throat and my eyes not only until midnight on Christmas Day but for a very long time. I couldn’t wait any longer and in March of the following year, with the contract now perfectly broken, I threw the useless piece of paper away.