Posts tagged ‘sorry’

July 5, 2011

Friend gets offended if I don’t call….

by Rod Smith

“My friend and I talk on the phone a lot. Yesterday I was very busy and I forgot to phone. When I did he reamed me out like I was a schoolboy who did not do his homework. What do you think I should do?”

Apologize. Call him exactly on time the next time. Tell him you were very busy and that you are sorry for your insensitivity. Remind him that adults are better off when they offer each other the freedom to be late, the opportunity to be wrong, and even the room to sometimes be insensitive.

Remind him your forgetfulness was not the result of malicious intent. Tell him you love him, that you are pleased to be his friend, but that friendship with him would be very much more rewarding (for both of you) were he to grow up, develop a thicker skin, and resist talking to you as if you were a schoolboy who’d not done his homework.

June 1, 2008

Forgive before it is asked? Are you not encouraging poor boundaries….?

by Rod Smith

“You often mention ‘forgiving’ or ‘forgiveness.’ Is this blanket advice even to follow when the person who has perpetrated the wrong has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. If you forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness, are you then not letting that person get away with their bad behaviour and thus not putting a boundary in place? Surely the person will repeat the behaviour if they have not requested forgiveness?”

I do encourage people to forgive and sometimes include “even before it is asked of you” and “forgive, but don’t forget.” The act of forgiving is essentially for the person offering the forgiveness, and not one receiving it. When I forgive you for a real or perceived wrong against me, I am doing something good for my inner being. I am acting in a manner that extinguishes the emotional toxicity from within me. That you too are made free is a mere byproduct of mutual benefit.

Wanting another to ask (or beg, or plead) for forgiveness is to be somewhat punitive, which lacks the essence of authentic forgiveness. That I am able to forgive you and not allow myself to be similarly hurt by you in the future is where “forgive but don’t forget” comes into play.

December 20, 2007

Friend gets offended if I don’t call….

by Rod Smith

“My friend and I talk on the phone a lot. Yesterday I was very busy and I forgot to phone. When I did he reamed me out like I was a schoolboy who did not do his homework. What do you think I should do?”

Apologize. Call him exactly on time the next time. Tell him you were very busy and that you are sorry for your insensitivity. Remind him that adults are better off when they offer each other the leeway to be late, opportunity to be wrong, and even the room to sometimes be insensitive.

Remind him your forgetfulness was not the result of malicious intent, but the result of being very busy. Tell him you love him, that you are pleased to be his friend, but that friendship with him would be very much more rewarding (for both of you) were he to grow up, develop a thicker skin, and resist talking to you as if you were a schoolboy who’d not done his homework.