June 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been seeing a man for two years. We’re both in our early thirties. I really want to get married but he never talks about. How can I get him to talk about marrying me and about where this relationship is going? We need more communication.”
Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com
1.
“No communication” is impossible. You are missing what is already being said. Couples often think the issue is “more communication” and fail to hear what is already being communicated. He is “telling” you that he has no interest in being married to you.
2.
The passive “partner” runs the relationship. The frustrations you already feel will become life long frustrations if you do marry. If you have to work this hard before you are married do you think being married will be any easier? There’s power in being passive and he’s got it. You’re working this thing as if your life depends on it and he is silent.
3.
The harder you work, the more passive he will become. He has all the power and leverage because, in seeking it, you have given it to him. This is a simple, albeit perverse, law of relationships.
4. He has already decided where this relationship is “going.”
You get to decide if you will go “nowhere” with him.
5. Can it be redeemed? Perhaps.
Start by completely backing off. Emulate his passivity. It might jump-start him into action. Then again, it might not.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Faith, Family, Triangles, Trust |
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June 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My father cheated on my beautiful mother for many years. He married the 100th ‘affair.’ For 25 years she never dated again, never said a word, but loved him all her life. I am married for the third time: met my husband two years ago, moved to another continent, gave up everything to be with him. My ‘knight in shining armor’ has not told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, but he might as well have. The emotional abuse is terrible; the things that are said remain in my heart like a knife. I try to forgive and forget. I am in a strange country, have no friends and nobody to turn to. Why do we take this? I see myself as a strong, independent woman, but lately have turned into a quivering, blubbering please-don’t-hurt-me idiot. My husband’s ‘lover’ is alcohol and I cannot compete. I am in new country, alone, still trying to hang on.” (Edited)
Take up your life
I will agree that it is interesting since it appears that you and your mother are (and were) willing to put up with disregard and indifference from the men on your lives, but knowing this will not help you out of this current situation. The knight you most need is the one living within you. In the stark reality of any day soon, summon your independent nature, take responsibility for your decisions and actions (the ones that got you here), and begin to plan our way out of victim-hood.
You can do this. The reserves of strength are in you. How do I know? Well, moving countries is not easy, even if you were in the arms of whom you thought to be a knight in shining armor. And, in the midst of your trauma, pain, and unhappiness, you accessed this website, wrote a letter to other readers of these posts – and, while this is common, it does take some savvy. You have it, dear reader. You have all it takes to get yourself out of this and deliver yourself to your home-turf just as you had what it took to get yourself into this in the first place. TAKE UP YOUR LIFE!
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
You frequently write: “steel yourself” and “hold onto yourself” and “take up your life.” What do you mean?
Take up your life
by reading this or any column. In fact, they will not be “fixed” even if you read this column, watch Dr. Phil daily and visit a therapist on a weekly basis. These would be, at best, helpful catalysts. At worst, you’d be wasting a lot of time and using yet another means to avoid facing your issues.
The “answer” to your life’s issues (if there is one – you might have to go with an approximation), no matter how large they may appear to you, or how trivial they may appear to others, always rests first with you. Healing begins when you gather up your metal, brace yourself for change, and decide to “take a hold of yourself” and address head-on the problems and complexities you face. “Steeling yourself” is gathering your strength (even if it is minimal) to do what you must do to begin your own process of recovery, healing, or untangling from unhelpful entanglements.*
Even if you have been a victim, grew up in severely adverse circumstances, and both your parents were alcoholics while you were destitute and hungry, your healing and maturity pivots, not on more sympathy, more empathy, or more understanding. it is not “out there” in some book you are yet to read, or on some website you are yet to discover, some guru you are yet to run into, or on some lover you are looking to meet. It is ALWAYS dependent on your acknowledgment of your role in how your life has unfolded (your response to whatever has happened, is currently happening, and will happen to you) and will continue to unfold. It is dependent on you shedding yourself of ALL “victim thinking” and of ALL blame. It is ALWAYS dependent on you taking personal responsibility for your decisions as much as you are able at THIS time (now, today!). This is what I mean by “take up your life.”
I am very aware of this being an unpopular message in an age and a time when “quick-fixes” are offered at every click of the mouse, pointing of the remote, and book shelves abound with every Tom, Dick, and Sally’s offer to deliver you into a perfectly fulfilling life. Sorry, it just doesn’t work like that. Until you become your own “Knight in shining armor” you might always remain a “damsel in distress,” albeit an insightful one!
* For me, a helpful metaphor is to imagine a diver on the edge of a high diving board. He or she STEELS him or herself before taking the leap.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Responsive people, Schnarch |
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June 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I appreciate your insights and agree with you 99.9% of the time and the other 0.1% of the time I could be wrong. The only time I have found myself to be at variance was a recent article. There was a thought that caught my attention namely ‘Love at first sight does not exist.’ This is a reality for some people. I had love at first sight with a girl (aged 15) when I was just 17 years old. Never loved a person that much from minute-one, till when it all split up after six months. For 20 years thereafter I wished everyday (all day) that it would somehow magically come together again as it had done on that first evening we laid eyes on each other. There is an important clarification needed here! Love at first sight is not something that really happens to people in their late 20’s or 30’s or 40’s and so on. It is something that can only really happen before one becomes jaundiced and suspicious. It is most likely only going to happen with your first love. And ideally, for it to happen, the heart of a person must be soft and easy and not yet battered and bruised.” (Letter edited for length)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Love |
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June 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
unpredictable and free. They readily forgive. They do not dominate, manipulate, or intimidate others. True (authentic) listening occurs. No one pretends they are “okay” when they are not. Healthy people do not spend a lot of time analyzing their relationships. Friends and lovers have individual goals and shared goals. People speak for themselves, plan and make choices for themselves. They honor community but are not trapped by it. Healthy people have complete freedom within the constrictions of their commitments and obligations. They understand it is more important to love than it is to be right or to win. They laugh a lot.
When people are emotionally and psychologically healthy they can be in close relationships because they choose to be. Nothing feels forced, obligated, manufactured, or pretended. Sarcasm, using words to intentionally hurt someone, is avoided.
Conflict is not considered as necessarily negative. They know people can love and enjoy each other and disagree at the same time. Hurt, fear and loneliness can be talked about freely. Winning and losing are not as important as honoring, loving, and respecting each other. They do not “corner” each other in order to feel love. Healthy people expand each others options, they love spontaneity, and embrace and encourage diversity.
Posted in Attraction, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships |
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June 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Love prevails. I am not referring to the kind of love associated with romance, although such love is of course vastly important. I am referring to a love that is beyond romantic attraction, love that is usually beyond humans unless they know, first-hand, something about suffering, something about loss, hurt, about loneliness and abandonment.
The love that prevails is sometimes born in people who know how painful life can be. I say sometimes, because tough events can also produce bitterness, not love, in others. Prevailing love is not about good feelings, about an emotional high, nor is it about being known or rewarded for good deeds.
The kind of love is born or developed in the wake of suffering prevails because it has learned that there is goodness in others, that there is hope in the world, that there is reward in believing in the goodness of others.
Love people today. Do something counter-cultural to the spirit of self-seeking in your office, at the hospital where you work, or at the school where you teach. Offer a open hand of love and generosity to a struggling person. Turn your own reservoir of pain and suffering into an act of love.
Love prevails, and it wants to prevail in you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love |
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June 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
Let's talk
(a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.
Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.
Suggestions:
1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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May 30, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am at a complete loss to understand people’s motivation for intentionally hurting others. I had been dating a most gentle, kind, generous, considerate, available, loving person for 4 years. We did have a few off-days but those were few and far between. Then out of the blue he declared he did not see me in his future. No signs, no warning but sudden withdrawal and the dreaded words. In an attempt to find an answer since none was offered I went through his phone memory and was devastated to find out that he was ‘playing’ about 20 other woman this past year. Some in long standing distance relationships, others in role playing, and others on an ‘as and when needed’ basis, ‘meet and greet,’ and travel partners. The break-up is recent. I haven’t spoken to him since his announcement. Prior to my discovery I told him respected his decision. What motivates this type of behavior?”
Take up your life....
I’d suggest the perpetrator, while aware of the deceit, probably felt he could handle the accumulation of multiple facades and keep his various worlds apart. The “dreaded words” come when the entanglements escalate and something has to crash!
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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May 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am getting married in a few months for the second time. I have two sons (8 and 10) and she has a daughter. My children do not live with us but she has her daughter who pays irregular visits to the child’s father. I want her ex to be more consistent or to not be in the picture at all. We sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants to do before we can make any plans. My fiancé cannot seem to see how selfish this is. Please help.”
You will face much bigger hurdles....
is not “in the picture” for you and nor should he be “out” of the picture simply to make your life easier. Get used to the idea that your soon-to-be wife’s ex-husband is an integral part of his daughter’s life. Until a court of law decides the man is unfit to fill his role as the child’s father I’d suggest you do all you can to make the child’s relationship with her father as uncomplicated as possible.
Yes. Of course you and your fiancé, together, ought to have a conversation with him about how he may assist in making all of your lives less complicated. Be assured your upcoming marriage will confront you with far more complex situations than this one.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Re-marriage, Reactivity |
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April 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband made friends with a guy and now they’re inseparable. I am going mad. I know a man has to have friends but this is ridiculous. He sees this person every other day. I want alone time with my husband and he will say his friend wants to join us. This feels like a threesome. He does have a wife who is not ‘my cup of tea.’ I cannot say anything because it makes a fight. Am I wrong? The other day I said let’s take a drive and sit somewhere. My husband made sure the place was nearby so his friend could meet us. 
I was silent to not make trouble. My husband says I am jealous. How can I be jealous of a man? I think maybe he should take his clothes and go and live with him. He must have something I don’t have. When I see him I can scream but I keep my cool. The friend will say, ‘Oh my sister! So glad to see you.’ My blood boils. I know God says you have to let these things go and pray otherwise we don’t have blessings. Give me advice before it is too late.” (Letter shortened)
How much of your husband are you willing to share? How much of a threesome are you prepared to be? These questions must be answered. This issue is not about the friend, his wife, or even your husband. Everything, for you, hinges on you. It is not a matter of jealousy and your husband is employing a sneaky trick to suggest it is. This is about divided, or confused, loyalties. Challenge your husband to grow up, to decide on how his loyalties are expressed from day to day.
From where did you get the idea that you have to be silent and “let these things go and pray,” or you will stop your blessings? This is twisted theology. I’d suggest that your silence, passivity, and continuing to have your blood “boil” will only result in increased suffering for you and your husband. Take a stand. Clearly you understand men need friends, but it ceases to be friendship when others (family members) are not also enriched by the friendship. Make your stand with full knowledge that you might not be your husband’s first choice. At least then, you will know.
Write again, or if you’d like to talk, let me know. I will make time for you.
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Marriage |
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