April 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I found myself in an affair during my marriage. My affair was so different to my husband: caring, loving, and he wanted me for what I was. My marriage ended (tragically) and I moved in with the guy I had an affair with. Initially we where very happy, he then had a thing with my sister-in-law and then had an affair with a girl who worked near by. The next two years were absolute hell as he would move out and live with his girl friend for a while and then move back in with me. I should never have allowed this. I did let him in and out of my life as he pleased. He got engaged and they have now set a wedding date. I feel that the chapter in my life is now closed. In the last year I have been doing a whole lot of soul searching and want to make myself into someone I like being with. I felt very empty though in all of this, missing having someone to hold and love.
“Last week I meet a guy who is wonderful. He is everything I have ever liked in a man. He’s attractive, knows exactly where he is going in life. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off from the word go. I then invited him to go to the rugby and we had a wonderful time. We went to a friend’s house for drinks and left there to go home. He called me for coffee and it was very pleasant. We started kissing and got all hot and bothered but I would not let us have sex. I left in the early hours of the morning. We did have contact the next day and the day after that I sent him a message and he replied. I have been out of the dating scene for a very long time and don’t know if I should just see this as one of those flings. I really don’t want to as he is a really nice guy.”
You are far too fresh out of trauma to be seeing anyone, and besides, anyone can be nice for a week. Keep growing, alone. Persist in becoming the kind of person you like being with. A little emptiness is a good thing if it leads to growth. Leave the kissing until you have known a person for a year or three. This will tell you how nice he really is!
Posted in Attraction, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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April 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.
Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.
Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obvious
emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.
Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!
A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.
This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Marriage, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery |
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April 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
The “anger” column (below) generated much response. Several persons said there is room for righteous anger. Some reminded me that Jesus got angry. Of course there is room for righteous anger. The issue is can you remain righteous while expressing righteous anger? I find it difficult to remain righteous (calm, honest, clear-headed, strong) and express righteous anger.
Here are some circumstances – there are, of course, others – where righteous anger is to be expected:
1. The helpless (children, the poor, the ill) are victimized.
2. Power (financial, political) is abused.
3. Religion (faith, The Bible) is misused.
4. Lies and gossip are perpetuated.
5. Intimidation, manipulation, and domination are considered normal.
6. Waste of money and other resources is ignored.
7. Women are treated or believed to be “lesser” beings or weaker than are men.
I find I am more helpful when confronted with the above circumstances if:
1. I wait to assess what is occurring (rather than jump in and “righteously” attack).
2. I go to the “source” rather than the symptom.
3. I consult with others to discern if the issue is a product of my unresolved conflicts or if it is indeed something others also see.
Posted in Anger, Attraction |
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March 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am in constant coming under emotional abuse. I wished I could get out of this 27-years of unhappy marriage. I stayed for the children. I feel I am living with a manipulative husband who has a negative effect on me. In front of other people he may look as an angel. I think only the a wife that stays with him all hours of a day can know the reality of such personality. Please help.”
Your husband’s success at manipulation and your continued cooperation go hand-in-hand. Once you change things, the marriage might not survive. Manipulative men usually run from real women!
You are crucial to initiating the change you desire.
1. Gather community: start secretly, if you must, to talk to a small group of trusted friends about what is really occurring.
2. Read widely: study books by men and women who have “been there” and learn from what they have done.
3. Make three “small” decisions, like, “I will never again lie for him, have sex I do not want, or make him look good if he is not.”
“Smaller” successes will empower you to stronger steps. He will become more manipulative as he sees he is losing control. You will become bolder and stronger until you are no longer cooperating with his unhealthy ways.
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March 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband has been acting strangely since December. I’ve been trying to pry from him whatever is bothering him, but we these talks have led to nothing. He stopped saying ‘I love you too’ on the phone, which also hurts me. I finally told him we needed a serious talk. He didn’t actually tell me that he didn’t love me, but he won’t respond. He told me he has bottled up so many emotions and problems over the past year that they just festered inside and he’s rotted away with them. He wants help but we cannot afford it right now. I’ve always told him to tell me how he feels or if something I am doing is wrong, but he just keeps everything inside. Now he is a lifeless shell that goes through the same routine every day. I want to tell him I love him but it hurts to hear ‘okay’ in response.” (Edited)
Festering inside! Lifeless shell! Rotting away? I’d suggest your husband cannot afford not to get help. Unless there are entire chapters of your husband’s life that he is not divulging, it appears your husband is battling at least some form of depression. Beg or borrow, do anything ethical to get professional help.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage |
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January 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
Many adults (myself, of course, included) struggle with maintaining good and healthy boundaries. It’s part of the human condition. Knowing where I “end” and where you “begin” is not always easy. Knowing what is my responsibility, and what is not my responsibility is often fuzzy and ambiguous. Knowing when and how to draw my “line in the sand” when it comes to loving others and parenting children is certainly not for the faint hearted. Good boundaries – are a life-long challenge.
Another challenge, which seems less frequently addressed, and integral to having good boundaries, is the matter of also having good brakes. It is important to know when to “apply the brakes,” when to slow down, and to know when to stop. Knowing when “enough is enough” would save a lot of heartbreak. Persons with fuzzy boundaries often seem to have no, or at least poor, brakes. They tend to go over-board, to buy too much, to give too much, talk too much, to pursue too much.
Here is the challenge: work as always, on your boundaries. Then, sharpen your awareness of when it is time to apply the brakes. Resist over-giving, over-loving, indulging, chasing, buying, showering with attention — when it comes to those whom you say you love. Sometimes enough really is enough.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries |
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January 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
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“She dresses for herself, not me. She wears what makes her comfortable. My happiness, contentment, and comfort levels are not so fragile that her clothes disturb my peace of mind,” he said.
“We both, almost equally, initiate sex. We talk about it very openly. We talk about sex whenever it is necessary, and we talk while we engaged in sex. Each of us can freely express exactly what we each need,” she said about their sex life.
“Body language is, of course, important, but the spoken word is more precise and less open to misinterpretation. Talk is primary. We don’t expect to look into each other’s heads and hearts or to decipher body language in order to communicate. When I think her non-verbal messages contradict her spoken words I ask for greater clarity. She does the same when my words and my actions are incongruent,” he said about “communication” issues.
“We both brought unfinished business into this relationship. We’ve both been hurt, treated unfairly, used – and we’ve done the same to others. Our task is to not visit this relationship with former conflicts. Of course it’s difficult,” she said.
“But when was love easy?” they asked in unison.
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January 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend of 10 years says he doesn’t love me anymore and is tired of pretending. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don’t understand how a man can go out every night and drink while he has a beautiful woman at home? He’s not seeing anyone else. He claims he wants to be alone. I know he is getting brain washed by his brother who has had a failed marriage and who would hate to see his brother happy. His brother has always put me down and has gone as far to call me ugly. This is a sad situation because my boyfriend is letting his brother win. I know my boyfriend is a good man with good intentions who is throwing away our relationship to make his brother happy. Please give me some advice.
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to the brother than any brother can wield – except if your boyfriend was inclined to want to detach from you already. Mourn. Take stock of who you are and where you want to go with you life. Pick yourself up. If you work hard to stop him leaving, keeping him will require even harder work. Who could possibly want to live like that?
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws |
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January 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Everything was going well with a man I love. We had a child and were so happy. We were planning to move to another city because of the economy so I packed and went to live with my parents because he said we were going to save. After I left I tried phoning him but he did not want to talk. Finally he said he did not love me anymore. After two months I found there was another person. It was my friend’s sister who I had invited to my son’s birthday party. She was already living in the home I had left. I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once. I am hurting and I don’t know what is going to happen next. He tells me he left because I did not cook or clean much. I don’t know if he will ever come back because physically she is better than me. Do you have any comment?”
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You’ve loved a deceitful, irresponsible man who has moved on to his next victim. As tough as it is, I’d suggest you to take your future into your own hands and do what you can for you and your children.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, High maintenance relationships |
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January 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”
You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.
I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication |
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