December 22, 2008
by Rod Smith
“As I write my girlfriend is on holiday with her two daughters and her ex-husband. She planned the trip to be with just the girls and when they went to pick up something from his house he was already packed and asked to leave with them. Not wanting to cause a fight in front of the girls, she said it was fine, and they left together. They are away now. She tells me she has no feelings for him and she wishes I were there instead. She wants to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the girls. I will pray to God and let Him guide me as He always has. If she is truthful, then everything is fine. In my gut, I know that boundaries take time to establish themselves. I have been trying to take my mom’s advice, “Get to know her, focus on yourself.” I feel at peace. We are neither married, nor engaged. We can change our minds at anytime. If I find that she has lied, or is untrustworthy in anyway, I will move on, having conducted myself in a kind, and unselfish way.”
I love your mother’s advice. Such thinking will save you a lot of pain and avert a lot of damaging anger.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships |
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November 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I read the 26 points and most of them relate to my situation. I was widowed 3 years ago after 30+ years of marriage. I was so very lost and it was suggested by a neighbor that a friend of his could help me with my plight. Two years on I am totally and utterly miserable, but feel unable to leave the situation. I don’t know why – perhaps its because I have never been alone to ‘find the real me’. He bombarded me with flowers, gifts, my son thought he’d walked into a florest shop! Very slowly he started to close in by saying that he didn’t see that much of me and I felt guilty – so eventually he was there every single day from 2pm onwards 7 days a week. If I went out to see a girlfriend during my day off from work he would ring me several times and if I didn’t hear or didn’t answer he would sulk (pout) and get ‘stroppy’ (ill-tempered). He accused me of having affairs with my colleagues, he read my emails, checked my phone. Before this all happened he wanted me to buy a house with him 1/3rd him 2/3rds me. (He got divorced last year 2007).
“Every holiday we have been on he has more or less ruined. If I fall asleep in the car he suddenly brakes to wake me up – says he is worried that I may injure myself if we have an accident! – my children hate him – he is coarse and abusive at times but comes across as a very nice man to others. His language is foul at times, he ripped his shirt off and grabbed a knife saying ‘use it on me’. His friends think he is Mr. Wonderful – this is just a short list of things he has done – he has hurt me physically but the worst thing of all is that he has played with my mind. I don’t know if its me half of the time because he says, ‘you don’t mean that, this is what you mean.’
“I believe he ‘preyed’ on me during the early stages of my loss and I was so alone I was grateful. He really did seem a nice person, but he has turned out to be something quite the opposite. I am still with him but don’t think it will be for much longer as he is getting fed up with me not making a commitment to him. I will not sell my house and buy one with him.
“I feel dreadful most days – so whoever reads this – please – if you know or know of someone who has recently been bereaved – tell them to beware – there are men out there that prey on the vulnerable.”
Four pointers to assist reader:
1. While this is not helpful now, a good rule of thumb is to NOT enter any new relationship until at least a year has passed after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. I believe one should wait for at least three years after a thirty-year marriage.
2. When things are “too good to be true” they almost always are. Wanting you home ALL the time, waking you up when you’re asleep in the car, checking your phone – all these are warning signs that you have met an abusive and controlling man. Control and love cannot co-exist. Run the other way no matter how many flowers he sends you.
3. Your future is not in this man’s hands, and nor is your future in the hands of any man or any relationship. You suggest he is “getting fed up” because you will not commit to him. It is time for your “fed-up-ness” to drive you to some important changes you want. Your emotional well-being is more important to you and you do not have to wait around until he decides he’s ready to make a change. Ask your adult children to help you get out of this situation as soon as possible. I am sure they will more than run to your help.
4. Expose ALL violent behavior, all abusive behavior – no matter how “nice” the man is to others. No person ever deserves to go through what you are enduring.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Schnarch, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 30, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a relationship for two years with my married, former college professor. How in the world do I end this? I have never been in love. I was raised a strict Catholic, even looking at a married man was against my morals. Somehow I got lost. I looked up to him so much now the man who I thought was my hero has destroyed me. How do I end this?”
As you have discovered, layers of deception under girding your covert liaison cannot lead to long-term fulfillment. The imbalance of power, and your vulnerability, while skewing the responsibility toward this devious professor, does not let you off the hook. You too, are an adult. Regarding your faith: this is not about knowledge. It is about distorted “space” (the room and the distance between you) and very fuzzy boundaries. Take the initiative. Cut all ties. Offer no explanation. Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. The pain you will experience is worth it, and will be nothing compared to the pain you will know when the relationship is exposed, or when the professor decides to go his selfish way and to cut off from you. You deserve better, but will not find it until you walk through this fire, get some rest, gain perspective, and then are able to move on.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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September 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I’m looking for a perspective regarding a spouse who has been cheated on when family, friends, and coworkers were aware of the affair. I’d like to know if the cheated on spouse would have wanted to be told (or told sooner) about the affair. I read so much about people saying, ‘Do not tell the spouse.’ If I were being cheated on, I would want to know. When the spouse does find out about the affair and that other knew, he or she has to deal with the heartbreak of the affair and the betrayal of others. I just don’t grasp the majority’s mentality to turn their back on this situation. If the sin was embezzlement, the majority would say tell all. Why do the rules change when it comes to affairs?”
Call me...
is being cheated are all scary matters that are much easier to avoid than to face. Besides, seeing it occur to another, means I have to face its possibility of occurring in my own life! Denial of it occurring at all, or the avoiding its exposure to the victim, is much easier! Your observation goes to the heart of a profoundly difficult human issue. Cheating makes everyone uncomfortable, even those who observe it from some distance.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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July 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
“There’s a lonely man where I work. I know he’s unhappily married. I can see it in his eyes. You are going to say I should stay away from him because I have read you for years. What if I just want to have fun? The best sex I have ever had has been with married men. What’s to stop me? I know what I want and I know how to get it.” (Paraphrased)
Deciding the man is lonely from what you see in his eyes is absurd. I’d suggest you are reading your own loneliness in his eyes. The “best sex” to which you refer has clearly been short-lived and probably been of great cost to the men and their families.
Grow up. Leave married men alone. You might even find yourself in your own long-term, committed, authentic relationship if you decide to let alone men who already are!
Posted in Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Victims |
6 Comments »
June 11, 2008
by Rod Smith
We are “just friends” is often the defense used by men and woman who are on the verge of an affair, or at least a liaison that will be hurtful to a spouse. We “just work together,” says the woman to her husband about a co-worker who gets all of her attention even on weekends. “She’s just work-friend,” says the man to his wife regarding the woman who sends him text messages every day.
You are not “just friends” if:
1. You spend more time and energy with this person than you do with other friends.
2. You share conversations at a more intimate level with this person than you do with your spouse.
3. You spend more time and energy thinking of this person and his or her problems than you do the issues you face with your own family,
4. You exclude other friends, or cannot invite your spouse to join you to also be “just friends” with this person.
5. Any part of being “just friends” requires secrecy or deception (like hiding sms messages, having secret cell phones or cell phone numbers, hiding letters, the need to delete emails, or needing to leave the room to talk).
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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February 26, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I cannot seem to break free of the memories I have when my wife was unfaithful to me. We have talked about it constantly and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me for my anger. Yet, although it was quite a few years ago, it still niggles at me. Please help.”
Sometimes you have to let things go. I know someone’s going to send me an aggressive letter letting me I don’t understand and that it is not that easy to forget and so forth, but since you have both expressed sorrow, and each has offered forgiveness, and since much time has passed, and since the clock cannot be turned back – it is time to let it go!
It might be helpful to consider your wife’s unfaithfulness, not as something directed at you, but something she chose to do to herself. When a partner blames him or herself for the unfaithfulness of the spouse, this is not only harder to overcome, but grossly inaccurate thinking.
No matter what the circumstances, the one who chooses to be unfaithful is the one who must assume the responsibility for the unfaithfulness. No matter what the greater issues are in the marriage, cheating will not be a helpful option.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Voice |
5 Comments »
February 24, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband (of 6 months) was going through a divorce when we met. It concerns me that he spends so much time taking care of his skin (facials), going to the gym, and having tummy reduction treatments. I’m pleased that he looks after himself but I feel he is a bit excessive. He will go to the gym right before he goes overseas instead of choosing to spend the two hours with me. He says that he wants to look good because he’s married to a beautiful woman. I appreciate that, and I love him. I feel I am in competition with him. He also told me that he wanted to look good in his previous marriage because he wanted to meet someone to help him move out the marriage. Should I be concerned?” (Edited)
Be careful. Get between a man and his first love and you will pay the price! I’d suggest you develop a powerful interest in something worthwhile, while he, simultaneously continues to serve his apparent obsession. Focus on something other than your husband, who is doing enough of that already. At first this will drive him crazy (How dare you not join him in worship!) but it will save your sanity and might even keep you somewhat happily married.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Voice, Womanhood |
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February 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
If you can hear the voice of a spouse of lover saying any of the following 10 points to you, I’d suggest your relationship could use some renewal.
Don’t say you love me and then…
- Disregard (write off, refuse to consider) what I say, think, and feel.
- Demand from me, or try to manipulate me into, sexual acts I do not want.
- Offer me less times and energy than you give to your most casual acquaintances.
- Refuse to initiate or participate in respectful and helpful conversations.
- Avoid initiating mutual, regular physical, mutually desired, intimacy.
- Hold grudges for years, bring up old issues time again, and hit me with things I thought were long forgiven and forgotten between us.
- Abandon me (physically or emotionally) with the responsibility of rearing our children under the guise of supporting the family. I need you to support the family AND help with the children – this is what adults, who are parents, do.
- Blind-side me with the unexpected: unpaid debts, hidden activities, unusual expenditures, and secret, inappropriate liaisons.
- Avoid “alone” time with me.
- Belittle me in any manner, let alone in front of our family and friends.
Posted in Attraction, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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February 11, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am sorry I have facilitated your insecurities by allowing your jealousy to influence my behavior. I will try not to do this anymore. It is not good for either of us. Walking on egg-shells is not how I like to spend my energy.”
“Going out to dinner with my friends (daughter, son, mother, father, brother, sister) is something I like to do and I sometimes like to do it alone. You are perfectly capable of understanding that having other important relationships does not mean I am rejecting you. Healthy adults can keep many relationships going at the same time. Why don’t you try it sometime?”
“We are each better off when honest, even if what we have to say is painful. Keeping you happy is too large a task for me. I hereby give that responsibility back to you. Anger, resentment, and the failure to forgive – all fruits of jealousy – are individual pursuits. You have to take care of this on your own. I am not going to interfere with your journey by trying to resolve your issues for you.”
“To love you is to stay out of your control. I’d rather have no relationships than relationships that inhibit who I am.”
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
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