Affair still niggles at me….

by Rod Smith

“I cannot seem to break free of the memories I have when my wife was unfaithful to me. We have talked about it constantly and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me for my anger. Yet, although it was quite a few years ago, it still niggles at me. Please help.”

Sometimes you have to let things go.
I know someone’s going to send me an aggressive letter letting me I don’t understand and that it is not that easy to forget and so forth, but since you have both expressed sorrow, and each has offered forgiveness, and since much time has passed, and since the clock cannot be turned back – it is time to let it go!

It might be helpful to consider your wife’s unfaithfulness, not as something directed at you, but something she chose to do to herself. When a partner blames him or herself for the unfaithfulness of the spouse, this is not only harder to overcome, but grossly inaccurate thinking.

No matter what the circumstances, the one who chooses to be unfaithful is the one who must assume the responsibility for the unfaithfulness. No matter what the greater issues are in the marriage, cheating will not be a helpful option.

5 Comments to “Affair still niggles at me….”

  1. It’s a matter of choosing to not think about it, to redirect your thoughts – toward your current relationship with your wife and making the choice to put all your energy into building from where you are now. Spending time thinking about the past, giving brain-space to painful memories, only keeps them going on forever and ever. You can’t change the past and thinking about it won’t make it make sense. Spend your energy planning how you can make a wonderful life now and what kind of a future you can build from this point. In any long term relationship there are going to be hurts that must be left in the past and leaving hurts in the past is a choice – it doesn’t happen magically. (I am NOT suggesting, however, that infidelity is a little hurt – it’s huge, but the leaving it behind is the same process.) It’s a matter of determining to think about what is positive about your wife and refusing to think about her past bad choice, to purposefully direct your thoughts away from the painful images and absolutely work to understand that it wasn’t about you, but about her. Is it possible you might help her heal from the wounds that informed her choice toward infidelity and in the process find healing yourself?

  2. hotairuphere:

    Thanks for a beautiful and helpful response.

    Rod Smith

  3. Once a cheat always a cheat! I was married for 4 years and I found out that my wife cheated on me. Well, we “worked things out”. I forgave her and she appologized over and over again. 1 year ago I found out that she was cheating again! so, I left her. ONCE A CHEAT, ALWAYS A CHEAT! (Edited Language: Rod)

  4. Find out what is missing from you that she found in other man. Affair is a habit it will occur again when there is a opportunity in her life. Something she enjoy is missing from you so work on that.

  5. Mona, I disagree, what she is missing is loyality, morality, and her faith, when you get marriage , you WORK on that marriage, getting laid it temporary, And someone tell me why if a spouse is interested in getting busy with someone else, they don’t leave first? SELFISHNESS, just in case the sex sucks or it doesn”t work out. C’mom, let’s not write to sound like we understand both sides, there right and there’s wrong PERIOD. Sex outside the marriage is WRONG.

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