April 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
Thought it time to provide some more feedback – if only to reassure you that you are still a vital daily family read for us. (Our son’s away at University now [oh boy, yes, severe empty nest syndrome!] and we have to cut out your columns and keep them in date order neatly on his desk for his returns on vacations!)
Disagree strongly about your views on living together before marriage: we’ve recently celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary, having lived together for about 9 months beforehand. An essential further commitment, we think, before taking the final, binding plunge.
Then again, we broke other societal rules too: My now wife was my secretary and we had a clandestine office affair. It soon became untenable and I had to “fire” her from the large corporation we then worked for. (She still teases me about that when in the mood, threatening legal action for sexual discrimination). Not great for productivity perhaps, but an exciting start to what’s been the most fulfilling relationship of a lifetime.
Posted in Living together |
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April 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
I have had a number of letters about “living together.” With a few edits, here is a column published some years ago….
First, as adults, you can do whatever you both decide. But “living together” is deceptive for both persons. There is no commitment even if you say there is. Commitment is making vows in the presence of witnesses and signing a legal, marriage contact. When either of you can “walk” without legal consequence – there is no commitment.
Try buying a house using the same approach. Tell the bank manager (mortgage company) you want to know if you and the house “click,” are compatible. Tell him you love the house and are very committed. Then tell him you are not ready to sign. The obvious will happen: no signature on a contract, no bond (mortgage) on a house in your name.
Living together is no “trial run” on marriage any more than baby-sitting is the same as rearing a child. If you are not ready for marriage, you are not ready. Living together will not make you ready, nor will it tell you what marriage will be like. People who are willing to live together, even by mutual agreement, offer each other no security – which hardly sounds like love!
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Trust, Victims |
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April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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April 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. Invite your family to a meeting and thank each person for their love.
2. Leave your mobile phone at home and spend a full day with your children (or grandchildren).
3. Consult with the librarian of your old school and buy the library a dozen books.
4. Leave a box of groceries for a family whom you know is in need.
5. Tip waiters three times your normal tip.
6. Take a street person to lunch.
7. Make house calls on people who have enriched your life and express your gratitude.
8. While remaining anonymous, pay for a stranger’s meal in a restaurant.
Business:
9. Help others succeed.
10. Don’t screen your phone calls.
11. Make positive referrals if you have a good business experience. Report negative business experiences only to those empowered to make changes.
12. If you occupy a position of authority (business owner, school principal, government official) make random phone calls to people who’d least expect to hear from you. People in “power” positions can make someone’s day by being friendly and “normal.”
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
(Please note not all difficult relationships are necessarily also toxic)
Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, unnecessary silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful, or vengeful, sexual activity.
Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.
Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You feel as if you an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.
Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.
Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
When your child (13 to 15) becomes involved in his/her first romantic attachment, with a person of similar age, please remember:
1. The experience is authentic for your child, and, while you might consider it “puppy love” the relationship ought to be given due respect.
2. If you trivialize his or her experience by your words or your deeds (make jokes about it) your child will probably go into hiding about what he or she is experiencing. This will put you “out of the loop” completely.
3. Embrace your child’s romantic interests, and be willing to talk about them to the degree to which your child seems willing to talk.
4. It is quite common for a child to become very focused on the whereabouts and activities of the person of his or her romantic interest. If you allow no contact (by phone or Email) you are likely to drive the relationship underground, and therefore be teaching your child to conduct a most important part of his or her life in secret.
Evaluate your resistance to your son or daughter falling in love:
What is it that you fear?
Are your fears related to your own experience as a younger person?
Is your response reasonable or loaded with your own unresolved baggage?
Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
2 Comments »
April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
1 Comment »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
My son (40) is dating a woman of another race group and this is upsetting many members of our family. I have not talked with him about this but I know he knows how I feel. If he marries her this will be his third marriage and he has children from two other women who he divorced. I do not know how to react to this woman and I am sure her family are as suspect of the relationship as we are. Please help. (Letter edited)
Your son is 40! He is already twice married. Surely you have seen that he is making his own way in life and that your affirmation of his choices is probably not too important to him. That his new love interest is a woman of “another race group” ought to be the last of your concerns. I am sure her family are concerned about the man their daughter is marrying, but it is probably not about his race. Their concern probably related to his track-record regarding intimate relationships.
That said, I know many men and woman who have found profound happiness after several former marriages. Embrace this woman. Get over your issues about race and give his new love interest all the support and welcome you can muster.
Posted in Marriage |
7 Comments »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
For the past nine years I have been having specific dreams. The dreams are often about my school days, going late for exams, sitting for wrong papers, missing exams totally, field trips / excursions, fights, simple things like that. The dreams are about me and my relationships. I was always studious, well mannered and a nice friendly person easy to get on with people, but these dreams shows a different side of me I felt that I should get into contact with my friends / class mates Searching to find a reason, and for the dreams to stop but they just get worse. They are starting to get more serious and intense, waking up feeling disorientated and scared. The last one, I got up one morning dressed as if it were a normal day arrived at school, people staring my friends running away from me, saying that I was dead and even showed a memorial plaque everything was as clear as day. Is this something I should just ignore hope that one day they will just stop or seek some kind of help? (Letter unedited)
Thanks for writing. There are many persons who consider themselves experts in the analysis of dreams – and I am not one of them! I have published your letter in the hopes that a reader who is such an expert will be able to steer us in a helpful direction regarding your uncomfortable and recurring dreams.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
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