May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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May 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: “I have been married for 7 years to a woman who is becoming more controlling, unhappy, demanding, disrespectful, and depressed. She fights over anything and has developed a shoplifting problem called ‘depression based shoplifting.’ We have gone to psychologists and therapists but nothing works. What am I doing or not doing right? We can be happy one day and then out of the blue all chaos breaks loose. Our five year old tends to prefer me to her and that gets her even more aggressive.”
Rod responds: Assuming your wife has already had a full medical checkup and is in regular dialogue with her physician, I would suggest you find a respected practitioner of “family of origin” therapy. Your brief description suggests your wife might be “out of sorts” (inappropriately disconnected or connected) with the most powerful people in her life – her family of origin.
Do not falsely assume blame for her illegal activity. This is her issue to solve. It is not the result of your behavior.
While it is sad your child prefers you to her, it does appear that your parenting is less confusing for your child.
Be firm. Love. Stay out of control. Resist the pressure to join her in her toxic cycle no matter what their cause.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
1 Comment »
May 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“After several years of living on my own I’ve been living with my partner for the past nine months. Things are going well most of the time but there seems to be a little problem that arises from time to time that I am getting concerned about. If a problem arises at work, he rehashes and he vents to me for longer than I think he should. He gets back to normal after a couple of hours of venting over something I did not cause. The anger and the long discussions are not a positive. I realize that venting is good if you have to but is it reasonable for me have to be the one who gets all this negative outpouring? Maybe he needs to talk to someone else about the issue. The tension isn’t good for us. Why do I have to take this when he really should be talking to whomever the issue is about. This is really bothering me.” (Letter required much editing)
Rod’s response: I gather that your partner sees you as a sounding board for his frustrations at work but cannot tell when his venting becomes hurtful. It would be quite reasonable were you to refuse to listen to him about his work-related issues. Tell him to talk directly with persons associated with his work-related problems.
Posted in Anger, Meditation, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence |
3 Comments »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: I have discovered my husband has been phoning and seeing another woman and was even on the phone to her while I was giving birth to our second child. Now that I have asked him to leave and now that I have all the phone records, I see this has been going on for about six months. The strange thing is that his family now sees him as the victim and I am seen as the selfish one because he is not living with his children. Am I going crazy or I am right in standing my ground even after a new baby has come into our lives? I don’t want to be in second place to any woman even if he says that no physical stuff has happened between him and this other woman. Please help.
Rod’s Response: I’d encourage you to seek face-to-face professional help. This immediate situation (his attachment to another woman, your wanting him to leave, his family seeing him as the victim) has to have a context in which all these sad and hurtful events have occurred.
Before you file for divorce I’d suggest a series of strong encounters with a courageous therapist will help you both discover whether this marriage can survive this trauma or not.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal |
1 Comment »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My adult son died 9 years ago. I had promised to stay at his side. The day he died, we had a lovely day, chatting, laughing at things on TV, and just being quiet. By evening I was so exhausted that I told him I was going home and would see him in the morning. The nurse phoned later and said things weren’t too good and that I should come. I raced to him to find that he had already passed away. I’ve been tormented with guilt ever since. I’ve tried to let go, reminding myself that we had a wonderful relationship and that he would forgive me, but I still feel I let him down badly. I feel that I was being selfish by choosing to go home instead of staying. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Reply: First: Write your son a letter updating him on all that has transpired over the past 9 years.
Second: Read the letter to a group of people who also loved him.
Third: I challenge you to allow your anguish to end. If 9 years are not enough, how many years do you need to beat yourself up about wanting rest?
The highest tribute you could pay his shortened life would be to live your own as fully as possible.
Posted in Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Parenting/Children, Recovery |
18 Comments »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me last night that he is not in love with me anymore. I am completely shattered. I knew we had problems and we had decided to seek therapy but the last thing I expected was the love bomb. He thinks it cannot be fixed. I had to convince him to try therapy. He is willing to try but I can see that he does not have much hope in it. I am so scared it is too late and that by going to therapy I am putting false hope into our marriage. I do not know what to do and feel like my whole world just collapsed on me.” (Edited to 200 words)
USA
You are placing a lot of faith in the power of therapy! Couple’s therapy is most effective when both people are motivated. Before you rush off to a therapist, appreciate that this a very new development in your marriage. Take some time to let the news sink in before you act. While it is true that you are feeling devastated, it is your husband who has to soul search about what he wants.
Trying to impress your husband with your love for him will only serve to distort who you really are and probably serve to push him further away.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
92 Comments »
April 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: I believe I am slowly dying. My partner permanently believes every outing, whether to work or business, is a sex one. She has carried on like this for ten years but it is getting worse. Sometimes, when I return from outside, she shouts, barges me down and even hit me. Other times, she drives me back out, and I would have to negotiate my way through neighbors to get back in. She denies me keys and facilities and abuses me, curses me, and calls me names. If I dare call friends and family she will say all sorts of unprintable things. She has even threatens to harm herself if I am not careful, and will say I did it. The only time she is at peace with me is when I sit at home for hours on end. I have suggested therapy, but this has resulted into more abuses. Getting out seems an option but I am in the middle of an academic program and that could be distracting. Please help. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Response: Until you are prepared to make drastic changes in your behavior, your partner will have no reason to improve her behavior. This unusual dance must be rewarding you in some manner. Why else would you endure such bizarre behavior?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
3 Comments »
April 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
Some “small” events pay me regular visits even twenty-five years later. I had been on a short holiday in Cape Town, and, on my return, took a dozen rolls of film to the CNA at La Lucia mall for processing.
After a prolonged wait in the line (queue), it was finally my turn at the cash register:
“You’ve got a lot of pictures. Have you been on holiday?” said the friendly woman while she rang up my purchases.
“Yes,” was probably my terse reply.
“Where did you go?”
“Cape Town.”
“Can I see your pictures? I have never been to Cape Town,” she said.
“No,” I said, “they are my pictures and I am in a hurry.”
Before I reached my home in Sunningdale I heard the still small voice announce that I really did not need to be quite so cold and unfriendly.
“Go back. Apologize. Show her your pictures,” said the voice within my deepest psyche.
Sheepishly I returned and apologized. I offered to show the woman my pictures. She’d not lost her enthusiasm to see the pictures of my holiday despite having been the brunt of my unearned cold-shoulder.
Please send your “Moment of Learning” to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com. Please limit your story to 200 words.
Posted in Forgiveness |
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April 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
A short word about guilt…
There are a lot of guilty people “out there.” I get letters all the time from people carrying huge burdens of guilt, for all manner of mishaps and sins and things done or left undone.
As can be expected I get letters from people who are guilty about things over which they would have had absolutely no power at all (the emotional equivalent of “I am so sorry it is rained on your vacation”) and this misplaced, or assumed guilt has followed them around like a large and burdensome backpack for decades.
Guilt, any kind of guilt, is not a very good motivator. When it pushes (guides, motivates, “inspires” or propels) a person to any act of goodness or kindness, that act is usually sullied or jaundiced because it is not propelled by pure intention. It is propelled by the need to make right, to settle a score or to un-burden.
Getting rid of guilt (even misplaced guilt) is not easy for some – but it can be found through confession, through wise divulgence of that inner turmoil to a trusted friend or a paid professional.
Freedom from guilt is a wonderful, powerful state. And when, by faith, you are made free, you will indeed be free.
Posted in Grief |
1 Comment »
April 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: My mother died recently after a long illness. People I hardly know want to be told every little detail about her final months. I do not feel comfortable talking about this with anyone apart from immediate family or close friends. These virtual strangers say to me: “What’s wrong with you? You have to share your grief.” Is there anything wrong with wanting privacy at this time?
ROD’S RESPONSE: Your grief is your business. You decide how you will (or will not) handle your loss and with whom you will share it. I’d suggest you inform “interested” (inquisitive) strangers that you will willingly remain out of their personal affairs and you’d prefer similar treatment in return.
Posted in Boundaries, Grief |
1 Comment »
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