July 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter’s marriage has not been smooth sailing but now it has really soured. Her husband wants a marriage without any intimacy. It appears has if has separated himself from the marriage. They have been to counselors did not help much. The problem started when he was convinced she was having an affair. He has had numerous affairs. He refuses to move forward. It is some months where there is no intimacy or physical contact. I don’t know what to make of this. Is it his way of wanting the marriage end? Please enlighten me as to what this could be. I have emailed you on my own without my daughter’s knowledge.” (Letter edited)
While I am aware your daughter is in a tough spot, it is apparent that you have gotten “the wires” of your love, care and concern “crossed” with your anxiety for your daughter. I’d suggest you know too much about a relationship you are not a part of – and one which “too close” to you for you to be able to have any helpful impact. This is your daughter’s concern. I’d suggest you reaffirm your love for your daughter, and love her enough to try and stay out of the details of her marriage.
Posted in Forgiveness, Parenting/Children |
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July 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
I’ve had a ‘significant other’ for 3 years. We bought a home together. He has his boys (12 and 14) half the time. I have a son (5). I am having problems with dad not taking responsibility for his boys. He has no boundaries and his children do what ever they want. When I discipline I’m ‘meddling.’ Dad does not discipline at all. I feel like I’m the guest. It’s a mess. Why are fathers so passive? It’s hard for a step-mom to do nothing. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: The passive partner controls the relationship. While you over-function he’ll under-function!
I am willing to bet you spent more time choosing a house than discussing rearing children! You are NOT the stepmother without marriage – and will have no legitimate role with his children without a marriage to their father.
But, I’d suggest marriage is not the answer to this co-created mess. Your mess is not only a result of his passivity, but also a result of your apparent failure to open your eyes before making such a big move!
Bold, blind moves got you to this point. It will take bold, brave moves to get out! I hope this can be acheived without excessively hurting the children.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Family, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
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July 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”
You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.
Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.
Posted in Attraction, Love, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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July 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
Q: About six months ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with my wife and said exactly this, “I have done things during our marriage that if you knew about them, you would leave me.” She paused then said, “Whatever it is I forgive you.” This is the actual conversation that took place. She did not ask for specifics or details. What would you make of this?
A: Fall on your knees and express your gratitude to God for such a wife. She sounds remarkably healthy, a woman who is fully aware that your behavior is about you, and expresses everything about the kind of man you are. Be grateful too, that having found for yourself a greater degree of honesty, you probably have a more stable and a healthier marriage than you once had. Your wife apparently knows, from the little information that I have, that re-hashing the details of the things you have done would be hurtful to her and an unhealthy re-enactment for you, while not making one iota of helpful difference to the future you will share.
(Submitted from Melbourne, Australia)
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Voice |
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July 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
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July 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. The children’s wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents.
2. Day-to-day family decisions revolve around the children and their delicate moods and mood swings.
3. There is an anxious cloud hovering over the parents as the reason for being together is no longer love and commitment, but the creation of a perfect environment for children.
4. Adult conversations are next to impossible because the children interrupt conversations at will, or, in the children’s absence, the children’s developments and “sweetness” are the focus of every conversation.
5. Self-esteem is considered so fragile that the children are overly protected from the truth about his or her skills, talents and abilities.
6. One of the adults feels married to a parent and not to a partner.
7. The parents have given up all former hobbies and interests and focused all their energy upon the children.
8. The home’s décor is dominated by the children’s art and photographs, which, of course, is not in itself negative, but something is amiss when parents appear to have lost all perspective regarding the adult’s and children’s place in the larger context of life and life’s demands. Celebrating children is one thing; worshipping children is harmful.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Sex education |
4 Comments »
July 3, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I read your column about the boy who is ‘disrupting his mother’s new marriage.’ Having been a child from such a situation I can relate to him. Even though the father hasn’t been in the picture for some time. The boy still feels a connection to him. He will always come first in the back of the boy’s mind, even though the boy won’t understand why. The “new” husband feels like an impostor (to the boy) and therefore the child feels he doesn’t have to listen to anything he has to say. This will wear off in time and with maturity on the part of the boy.” (Minor edits applied to letter)
The reader reiterates an important human reality. Loyalties, visible or invisible, make themselves prevalent in behavior even if (and when) they appear underserved, irrational or impossible. It seems safe to say that when biological ties are disrupted – even for “good” reasons – conflicted emotions, to one degree or another, are the inevitable result.
Posted in Blended families |
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July 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My fiancé – of 15 years – and I seem to be operating at a tangent with regard to a host of issues. She is a elementary teacher. I am an academic. Her behaviors abound with inconsistencies, lies, secrets, and manipulation. I am more consultative in my communication with her; she is highly defensive and irrational. She has serious temper tantrums, very often derailing the focus of our discussion. She cheated on me once; blatantly lied, but with time, I forgave her for her deception. I believe that by my being supportive and understanding, I am carrying her deep unresolved psychological baggage and subconsciously feeding into my own dependency needs by intellectualizing. I am going to stop forthwith. Please let me have your views. Regrettably because of space, I could not overwhelm you with all the relevant information.” (Letter shortened)
You are apparently a person with much insight. It seems you have decided to turn your insight into action. Well done. Insight alone (by itself) is usually quite useless. You are well aware that people are usually as emotionally well, or unwell, as those whom we tend to choose as partners. It takes two to really tangle!
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Education, Forgiveness |
2 Comments »
June 30, 2007
by Rod Smith
As I write I’m between Taiwan and (South) Korea. By the end the week I will have interacted with many audiences in both countries. After running seminars in about 30 countries for 20 years, I am made painfully aware, once again, that:
1. Crippling anxiety lurks in every culture. There are people from all walks of life, everywhere, who are crippled with anxiety over very similar issues (children, the future, looming poverty, fidelity of a spouse, and so forth) despite language, culture, religion, and economic differences. Anxiety’s a killer, no matter who or where you are.
2. If a person does not, or will not, see whatever it is that is making his or her relationships unstable, there is not much likelihood change will occur. Denial is “helpful” everywhere.
3. A person who does not make others aware of what he or she wants, likes or dislikes, will quickly be submerged by the ‘loving’ agenda of another. People play ‘space-invaders’ in the name of ‘love’ everywhere.
4. Blame, shame, and guilt serve no enduring, useful purpose, no matter how effectively imposed. I am truly alarmed at how widely so-called leaders are “baptized” in their belief that applying blame, shame and guilt will offer hurting people lasting change.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
“The man I am living has a son but when we moved in together I did not think he would be living with us and only see his mother every other weekend. His dad goes easy on him and that’s okay. When I try to say something I’m the bad guy! He told his dad and grandma that I am mean. I just don’t let him get away with stuff like his dad and others do. I have 3 children who know that I don’t let them get away with stuff. The man I am with does not see that his son is running his life. I have been going through this for three years. Please help.” (Edited for clarity)
Three years is a long time to be in a power-struggle with a boy! While you are not married to the father the child will always win. Actually, when you are married, too, your “power” over the father and the son will also be rather limited.
This said, you now occupy no legal position in the family and therefore the father has no motivation to hear what you are trying to say, or to see what it is you see in his son’s behavior.
Give up the struggle. Let the dad and grandma be the “good guys.” Become “silent guy” (regarding the child’s behavior) until you are legally empowered to play your part.
Before I am deluged with mail and told I am advocating for the child to have no boundaries, or advocating lawless behavior for the child, please note, it is not the child who has the issue.
The woman wants power (I am sure for “good” reasons) over the child which she simply does not have. The person who does have the power (the dad), is choosing not to use it!
Marriage might not change anything, but at least it will give dad some incentive to hear his wife about the child.
A legal contract DOES make a difference to a relationship. The woman’s status will change even if the boy’s behavior does not!
Posted in Blended families, Communication |
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