My wife feels smothered by me…..

by Rod Smith

“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”

You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.

Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.

2 Comments to “My wife feels smothered by me…..”

  1. I disagree with the response to this man’s dilemma. I have been happily married to my husband for 24 years but, earlier in life, was divorced from a man I had been married to for 10 years. The first husband was a narcissistic individual and that meant our little universe revolved around his desires. I too was accused of “smothering” when he was feeling miserable. When you are married to an egocentric spouse, you are always bending over to please, and make things right. One example: We vacationed where he chose, or he’d pout and complain during the entire trip. He indulged in smoking pot, and I was accused of being a self-righteous, wet blanket because I refused to indulge too. The list of gripes went on and on. My point is that due to my youth and inexperience in basic human nature at that time, it took almost a decade for me to figure out that there is really no way to please a narcissist. As soon as you give them what they have requested, they have yet another complaint to register, and you are the one left wondering how to cope with their perpetual unhappiness.

  2. Just read your article I’m in the same situation and realise iv been doing all the wrong things to win her affection back. Will try your advice and let you know what happens.thanks again .

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