“Six years ago my husband befriended a young girl who needed his help. She is the same age has our daughter. They started to sms each other and they knew everything about each other. I really had a bad time dealing with it including sleepless nights. I could not understand how they could be so cruel to do this to me. I kept everything to myself, suffering in silence. We are still together and he is still in contact with her, although she has a boyfriend. They now work together so I cannot do anything but pray. My only regret is that I wished I had told the family. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. I choose to stay because of my children so that they could have the love of a father.” (Edited)

Your contributions to this mess are your silence and embracing your role as a victim. It is possible, even after 6 years, to speak up. Take him by surprise and refuse to cooperate with his toxic triangle. What do you have to lose that you have not already lost? Become exceedingly uncooperative with his game so that you may reacquaint yourself with the silent, yet powerful, woman within you.

Today, and perhaps just for today, I am going to turn my world upside down. I am going to address selfishness with generosity, confront fear with faith, and unkind people with a direct and bold, friendly approach. When I see divisive behavior or hear divisive talk, I am going to be strong and forthright. I will get myself out of corners by refusing to indulge in destructive dialogue about anyone. I am going to forgive others, even those who do not think they need it. I am going to do all I can to put others in touch with their own greatness and potential for it. I will look for the good in others, help them discover their talents, and encourage them to use their skills and gifting. When I am tempted to focus on the debilitating issues of the immediate, I will take a large step backwards and look at the larger picture. When the future, the “big picture”, with its risks and difficulties scares me, I will focus on the immediate beauty that surrounds me. Today holds as much opportunity for wellness, generosity, greatness, kindness, grace, and humor as any day, and therefore, I will not miss a moment of it.

1. From the most casual to the most intimate of relationships people will ultimately, if not immediately, resist control.
2. Forgiveness and grace will ultimately over-power resentment and rigidity.
3. Unless parties are equal and respectful and mutual in every manner an adult-adult relationship will never reach its full potential.
4. While parents are more focused on their children than they are on growth within their own lives, the children will carry the unresolved issues of the over-focused parent.
5. A new beginning, a clean slate, turning over a new leaf (however the metaphor is phrased) is only authentically possible when reasonable attempts have been made to mend the errors of the past.
6. (Submitted by “Lighthouse”) A relative over investment or under performance in a relationship will surely lead to a chaotic correction. While you cannot escape this truth, you can escape the hazard by using discretion when choosing with whom to have relationships and what level of intimacy you share. Choose people whose inclination is to invest at a sustainable level and just let them be themselves… but only if you can commit to the same or people will be escaping from you.

“Be assured I always read your column and insights. It’s a subtle barometer of human engagement and generally, I agree with your position and comment. Hmm, guess what’s coming next? Yes, I don’t quite concur with what I suspect was a subjective measure of ‘integrity’ and possible moral overtones regarding an ‘affair’ in a marriage of convenience (column on Friday, May 7, 2010). There are many adults that have the emotional maturity, if not jaded view of an ‘institution’ that is out of line with our real lives, to pursue ‘romantic trysts’. Thrilling, rejuvenating, and often causing entropy, it is perfect in our imperfection. Escalating marital disgust but with apathy to end it, is easily derailed by an affair, but it may even serve to repair and build a relationship! An unwavering position of ‘wrongness’ and that ‘heartache’ is a certainty, accords an inappropriate moralism and naiveté upon many adults in such situations.”

“Thanks for warning me regarding the affair I am probably about to begin. I can’t seem to stop myself. I feel like part of me is on some kind of mission.”

Just as drinking lots of water is good for your physical health, there are similarly healthy exercises and activities that will significantly improve emotional health. Here are three suggestions. Even embracing one will lead to greater health:

1. Develop a private statement (20 words or fewer) of what you want out of life. While the initial statement will evolve over time, writing it will assist you to focus your efforts and ignore seductive attempts to sidetrack you from what you really want. It is not selfish to want. It is selfish to not want!
2. Clearly state who you are and what you want to the people closest to you. Defining yourself more and more clearly will not only make you more attractive (although this is not the motivating force) it will unlock your creative edge and give you an emotional lift.
3. Take full responsibility for your past, present, and future. Yes, you might have been dealt a tough hand – but your current response to your past is paramount in creating the health future you want. No one can build a healthy, attractive future while also harboring resentments about the past.

“My parents divorced when I was 12. I am 25 and in my first real relationship. She is a kind and loving woman who deserves the very best of everything and yet I find myself being critical of her for the smallest of things. We have not had a major argument yet and I am dreading it. Please offer me some thoughts to help us avoid problems that will be a result of my parents’ divorce.” (Edited)

Your quirks are yours – try to avoid blaming your parents or your girlfriend for your issues that can offer you enormous opportunities for maturity and growth. While your parents’ issues and your painful history will have some bearing on the manner in which you perceive relationships, there is a time limit on blaming parents. At 25, I’d suggest your time has run out! Proximity (growing nearness, deeper involvement, intimacy) often provokes unsettling feelings in one or both partners and so some conflict is inevitable – so speak about it! Tell your girlfriend what’s going on inside you. Let her “see” what you are experiencing rather than focus on what she is doing. Speak about things before you erupt.

“My husband and I have an amazing relationship but one thing irritates me. When we met he was in shape and very active. Over the years he has put on weight and lost his good body through lack of exercise and drinking beer. I’m a health freak and in good shape. I go to the gym every day and only eat healthy food. It annoys me that I’ve stayed the same physically since we met but he has changed physically. I have done everything in my power to encourage him. I get myself so worked up that we end up fighting. The issue can’t get resolved because he is too lazy to do something about it. I’ve told him honestly as we communicate very well. It’s driving me crazy. I often think that maybe the problem lies with me. Why must I look good and yet he can let himself go? Please help.”

While you continue to mind his business he will not lose weight. He has the weight, but you have his problem. People are (fortunately) sufficiently free to dig their graves with their teeth (Charles Finney) and drown themselves in beer – such is the majesty of human freedom. Of course I know it is not easy to stand back and watch someone whom you love walk toward slow self-destruction – but while you even lovingly “interfere” the gravity of what is being done will not hit home. “Hands off, mouth shut,” will be a good motto to attempt to embrace. I will believe you “communicate very well” when both of you get this!