May 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
I got a visit from Jill today. She spent an hour telling me all the things wrong with her boyfriend, Jack. Word, words, words, details and more details filled the room. I decided there is no human, no matter how loving, kind and patient, who could fill the hole of dissatisfaction in Jill’s life. She is so convinced that if she can just “fix” Jack and make him the “right” kind of person, all her unhappiness will cease.
Jill demonstrated again that unhappy people have an uncontrollable urge to meddle in the lives of others. This is most evident with “loved” ones. To try to fix, coerce, push, and make others into what we think they should be, is not the fruit of love. Love doesn’t do any of these things. It offers support and encouragement when someone wants to change but it resists the temptation to try and change others.
Oh, dear Jill, get your eyes off all that is “wrong” with Jack, and see that your misery continues because you refuse to accept others as they are. Focus on what you can improve about who you are. Give Jack, and the imperfect world around you, a break!
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Listening, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Voice |
3 Comments »
May 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. It is frequently difficult to tell who, if anyone, is running the show.
2. There is a lot of noise and laughter.
3. The children sometimes form a healthy alliance against the parents, and the children often get their way.
4. There are frequent conflicts.
5. Differences are embraced, even encouraged.
6. Healthy families generate a degree of chaos almost everywhere they go. It takes a lot of energy to get the family to do anything together, as a group, because everyone is so busy with “outside-the-family” activities.
7. While such families intend differently, they are seldom on time for anything. They change their minds at the last moment and do something quite unexpected.
8. Roles and rules are not set in stone. Negotiation skills are highly valued.
9. Hurtful words and actions are avoided but quickly repaired when necessary.
10. The parents have a life together that frequently excludes the children.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Living together, Love, Teenagers, Voice |
1 Comment »
May 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
Chime in, please...
1. Set career, academic, and health goals for yourself, and then work hard to achieve them.
2. Develop a network of diverse and supportive friends both on your own and with your wife.
3. Challenge your wife to be a mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship. If you have an urge to be in charge and think being in charge makes you more of a man, seek professional help.
4. Resist any forms of intimacy you or your wife find uncomfortable.
5. Believe in your wife’s honesty and integrity by refusing to lie or cover for her no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Applaud and support your wife’s desire and her attempts to be close to her extended family.
7. Talk to your wife about what you see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer her opportunities to do the same with you.
8. Resist “shutting down” or playing the silent game or the “hurt puppy” when you do not get what you want.
9. Take full responsibility for your children by spending large blocks of time (three-day weekends) with your children. Do not recruit any help from you wife or extended family to do this.
10. Be as interdependent as possible. Find fulfillment both within your marriage as a husband, and as an individual. Enjoy being husband and dad without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
May 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Call me...
1.
Set career, academic, and health
goals for yourself, and then work hard to
achieve them.
2. Develop a network of
diverse and supportive friends.
3.
Challenge your husband to be a
mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship.
4.
Resist any forms of i
ntimacy you do not find pleasing or comfortable.
5.
Believe in your husband’s honesty and
integrity by refusing to lie or cover for him no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Don’t work harder at
his family relationships (on his behalf) than he, himself does.
7.
Talk to him about what you
see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer him the opportunity to do the same with you in return.
8.
Resist making him appear to be a
better father than he really is. If you help him save face with the children he might never need to step up to the plate and be all the dad he could be.
9.
Be interdependent by finding fulfillment both within your marriage and as an individual. Enjoy being both a mother and wife without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
10.
Maintain your voice under all circumstances while realizing that not everything you think or see or feel needs to be expressed.
Posted in Communication, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Recovery, Voice |
8 Comments »
May 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: I am living with a man who has a teenage daughter (15) who is so against me I can hardly stand it. She does everything she can to undermine our relationship and she has a mouth like a sewer. The child was not living with us until she had problems with her mother and they decided she needed to live with her father. This has made my life quite uncomfortable and he will not tell her she should treat me with respect. Please help.
Rod’s Response: I’d suggest you never tolerate or embrace poor manners from anyone and so I’d suggest you move out. It is unlikely you will make much headway if you try to insist the father stand up to his daughter or if you make him choose between the two (or three if you count his ex-wife) women in his sad life. Finding alternative living circumstances on your part will allow the family issues, which precede you by many years, to play themselves out to their inevitable conclusion. This is not giving up, or giving in, it is simply the early realization that you are taking on a battle you will ultimately lose.
Posted in Attraction, Step parenting, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice |
12 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
(Please note not all difficult relationships are necessarily also toxic)
Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, unnecessary silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful, or vengeful, sexual activity.
Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.
Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You feel as if you an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.
Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.
Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
When your child (13 to 15) becomes involved in his/her first romantic attachment, with a person of similar age, please remember:
1. The experience is authentic for your child, and, while you might consider it “puppy love” the relationship ought to be given due respect.
2. If you trivialize his or her experience by your words or your deeds (make jokes about it) your child will probably go into hiding about what he or she is experiencing. This will put you “out of the loop” completely.
3. Embrace your child’s romantic interests, and be willing to talk about them to the degree to which your child seems willing to talk.
4. It is quite common for a child to become very focused on the whereabouts and activities of the person of his or her romantic interest. If you allow no contact (by phone or Email) you are likely to drive the relationship underground, and therefore be teaching your child to conduct a most important part of his or her life in secret.
Evaluate your resistance to your son or daughter falling in love:
What is it that you fear?
Are your fears related to your own experience as a younger person?
Is your response reasonable or loaded with your own unresolved baggage?
Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
2 Comments »
April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
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