Archive for ‘Re-marriage’

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »
June 3, 2009

Handling emotional affairs

by Rod Smith

Let's talk

Let's talk

An emotional affair (a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.

Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.

Suggestions:

1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles | 1 Comment »

May 22, 2009

Her ex is selfish

by Rod Smith

“I am getting married in a few months for the second time. I have two sons (8 and 10) and she has a daughter. My children do not live with us but she has her daughter who pays irregular visits to the child’s father. I want her ex to be more consistent or to not be in the picture at all. We sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants to do before we can make any plans. My fiancé cannot seem to see how selfish this is. Please help.”

You will face much bigger hurdles....

You will face much bigger hurdles....

The child’s father is not “in the picture” for you and nor should he be “out” of the picture simply to make your life easier. Get used to the idea that your soon-to-be wife’s ex-husband is an integral part of his daughter’s life. Until a court of law decides the man is unfit to fill his role as the child’s father I’d suggest you do all you can to make the child’s relationship with her father as uncomplicated as possible.

Yes. Of course you and your fiancé, together, ought to have a conversation with him about how he may assist in making all of your lives less complicated. Be assured your upcoming marriage will confront you with far more complex situations than this one.

Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Re-marriage, Reactivity | Leave a Comment »

April 6, 2009

To forgive or not to forgive, there is no question….

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.

Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.

Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obviousthorns emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.

Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!

A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.

This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Marriage, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery | Leave a Comment »

May 30, 2008

How men respond to pregnancy….reader responds to reader….. and I am grateful…

by Rod Smith

Lizz,

There are a whole range of responses that men have to women being pregnant and giving birth. Difficult though it is for me to understand, I’m aware that a significant number of men find pregnant women to be unusually attractive, even to the point of becoming fantasy objects. Likewise, some men see mothers as more attractive than non-mothers, possibly because of personality traits that seem to come to the forefront in a woman after she has a child.

At the other end of the spectrum are men like your husband, who feel that pregnancy and motherhood somehow diminish a woman’s femininity and sexuality. It’s easy to suggest that his view is wrong or short-sighted, but that doesn’t help anyone in this situation. To me, this sounds like a great time to engage a professional marriage counselor.

While it’s possible that this might cause your husband to see you in a different light, it may also bring to the forefront emotional issues that your husband is dealing with, but unable to talk freely with you about. In my case, seeing the birth of my oldest son caused me to feel a huge sense of responsibility that i was completely unprepared for. This may not be the case with your husband, but such things are always a possibility.

Regardless, if you can sit down with a third party who has professional credentials, he or she may be able to help both of you discover things that have become factors in your change in relationship. If cost is an issue (and when I was a new father, it most definitely was), look into counseling options subsidized (in part or in whole) through a local church or synagogue.

One last thing: Your husband’s response to you may feel like something that defines you as a woman, but it doesn’t. You remain a person of worth and value, regardless of anyone else’s actions. Your husband’s response being strong does not make you “more of a woman,” and his lack of response does not make you less of one. The role of mother need not diminish the role of wife, any more than becoming a father keeps me from being a husband. Yes, your body changes with childbirth, but I would suggest that your husband has changed (and will continue to change) just as much between his ears.

Becoming parents changes us. We can fight this, and refuse to accept it, or we can be the master of our path and define the role instead of allowing it to define us. My best wishes for you, your husband, and your children. – Tim

www.timthefoolman.com

Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Pornography, Re-marriage | Leave a Comment »

Tags:
November 29, 2007

The power of human love…. is in you…

by Rod Smith

It is in us to love. It’s human. We have the capacity for it. Even hurt and rejected people can love. Once a person accepts that love has more than romantic connotations, as powerful and valid as these of course are, he or she will be able to see its broader power.

Love is unleashed through simple, but not easy, human acts of seeking the highest good both for oneself and for others. Acts of offering unearned forgiveness, of reaching out to the estranged, of welcoming a stranger, of letting go of all prejudice, of rejecting dishonesty – all begin within the individual human heart.

When a person intentionally facilitates others toward finding and enjoying and exercising the full range of their humanity, he or she will know and see and experience the powerhouse love is.

Even people with reason to reject others, having themselves been rejected or treated inhumanely, have it in them to love, if they dare to muster the courage for it. It comes quite naturally to the courageous person, and when it is unleashed, the purposes and the meaning of life surge into the heart of all who have the courage to hear and respond to its powerful call.

If you want a bound edition of all 400+ columns GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love | 4 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , ,
November 3, 2007

When counseling will be most effective….

by Rod Smith

I am listening....

I am listening....

Conditions under which counseling or therapy will be of most value….

1. Neither client nor therapist exaggerates therapist’s abilities or the client’s condition.
2. Therapist sees role as helping client steer toward a more productive, healthy future.
3. Client sees the “big picture” over the “long haul” rather than immediate relief in the “here and now.” (Patience, patience, patience).
4. Client and therapist maintain a sense of humor (a sure indication of health) while facing life’s inevitable challenges. Not everything can or will be better no matter how much therapy you throw at it!
5. Client and therapist call forth the client’s strengths and the innate human desire for adventure, rather than engage in the seemingly endless pursuit to understand a client’s pathological history, weaknesses, parents’ weaknesses, and debilitating reasonable, and unreasonable fears.
6. Therapist and client understand the limited benefits of empathy in exchange for the overwhelming benefits of challenge and adventure.
7. Client realizes that psychological insight without action (acting upon the insight) is a waste of money, time and useful therapeutic process. Sometimes a person has to actually DO something rather than be filled with insight about what needs to be done.
8. Client is willing to increase the ability to tolerate necessary pain (both within self and within others) and resist the understandable pressure to alleviate the very pain essential for growth to occur.
9. Therapist challenges the client repeatedly toward self-definition (to grow up!) in the face of life’s natural obstacles.

Conditions under which counseling or therapy will be of little or no value…

Time and again I hear “If I could just get him/her to see a counselor” as if a counselor can work magic to heal and solve all personal and relationship problems. Few trained counselors would see themselves as possessing such unrealistic powers. Here are some conditions (there are others) under which even counseling will be of little or no value:

1. When a person is forced, or cornered, or manipulated into seeing a counselor.
2. When a person has no motivation for change.
3. When a person agrees to see a counselor because he/she believes counseling will “fix” someone else in the family.
4. When the person’s mind is already made up over and issue (a pending divorce, continued involvement in an affair) and goes to counseling so he/she can say he/she tried it and it was no help.
5. When a person is resistant to getting help (doesn’t see the need for help) and offers counselors little or no respect in the first place.
6. When the person is combative from the outset and sees the therapeutic hour as time to show how clever (or funny, or morose, or argumentative, or stubborn, or intellectual) he/she can be.
7. When the person has already made up his/her mind that there’s no hope (”we’ve tried it all before”) or that counseling is a waste of time and money.

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Recovery, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Step parenting, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice, Young Love | 7 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
October 10, 2007

Emotionally exhausted? Here are some ways to find restoration…

by Rod Smith

Take up your life....

Take up your life....

Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:

1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice | 12 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , ,
September 30, 2007

Questions healthy people discuss when new, significant relationships form…

by Rod Smith

Take Up Your Life (317) 694 8669

Take Up Your Life

1. Are we spiritually, financially, psychologically, and emotionally, sufficiently suited to each other?
2. Do our long-held, individual, long-term, personal goals and personal dreams somewhat fit with each other?
3. What do we each imagine is possible for us to achieve (service to the poor, overseas travel, learning foreign languages, learning new skills) within this relationship and potential marriage?
4. How do we each perceive our individual and mutual responsibilities to our parents and extended families if we marry?
5. Which of us is better with money? If we marry, how will we organize our money? Will we keep everything separate or will we pool all our resources? How will we decide what we buy, how we buy, and when we buy expensive, but necessary items needed by a new family? Which professional will we choose to help us with the wise use of our resources? [Do not enter a relationship with someone who is in excessive debt.]
6. What does each of us think about religious observance? How will we decide on where and how we will worship?
7. What help do you need from me in order that you may achieve all you have ever wanted to achieve with your life?

Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Voice | 4 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
September 21, 2007

Marrying: What’s the rush? / Guest Writer, Corinne Edwards

by Rod Smith

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/marrying-whats-the-rush

“You’re good looking. How come nobody ever married YOU?’

I was 20. The question was asked by Mickey – I’ll never forget his name – at a wedding. I was maid of honor for the fifth time that year for friends who had achieved the honor of someone marrying them!

I felt so shamed. So unworthy. Embarrassed.

Indeed. Why hadn’t anyone married ME? The simple answer, although I had dated a lot in high school and college, was nobody asked.

The age at which you get that question has been raised. You don’t get the interrogation until you are about 25. That is when if you are not “hooked up” in some way – in an exclusive relationship, living with someone or engaged.

Your mother is saying, “Give him some time. He’s a nice young man. Maybe you will learn to love him. Maybe he has friends he can introduce you to.”

My feeling is after the first or by the second date, you know if the person is right for you. And, please. Men never introduce you to a buddy. It is not done. If one of their friends takes an interest in you, they are dust.

Special note here: Do you know who will introduce you? Mothers. No, not your mother. Other mothers. Get involved in your church or temple – not just the singles group – with the committees. They are full of mothers who are desperate because their handsome 30 year old sons are not settled down. They are dying for a sweet, educated, adorable young thing like you. Mothers are still the matchmakers today they were in centuries past.

Your friends say, “Well, at least you’re dating.” So? You are just spending time with “Mr. Right Now.” You are wasting time and energy. Go to the gym. Read a book. Write one. Get involved in charitable organizations. (Get to know more mothers!)

I have had several young women in my life coach practice. They have a plan.

This seems to be the approximate drill:

22-25 Out of college. Establishing a career. Looking for the “one”

25-26 Career in place. Serious dating with one person

26-27 Engaged and moving in together

27-28 Getting married

30 BABY

This is not a discourse on trashing goals. I believe in goals. They work.
But it is a suggestion to not let the schedule you have set govern your decisions. Don’t settle for someone because he suitable and is on your time line and seems “good enough.” Loving someone a little is not good enough. Wait.

We have all heard that the divorce rate is now just over 50%. But, this week, the Chicago Tribune reported an interesting statistic. The marriages, on average, lasted eight years total. Do you remember the old film, “The Seven Year Itch?” It’s not a comedy after all. You will have two children by then.

I married at 21. The basis for the marriage was that he was handsome and the captain of the football team and I was a cheerleader. Great reasons, right? But the real reason was because everyone else was getting married. Oddly enough, given this latest statistic, it lasted eight years.

Society’s insistence that we are coupled does not stop as you get older. The Noah’s Ark mentality never stops!

I had been a widow exactly two months when this conversation took place in my office. I kid you not. This is a scene from a script I am writing but it is absolutely true word for word. So, you adorable young women out here – you are not alone!

Corinne enters her office.

Two ELDERLY LADY clients are seated. They stand to greet her.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

We came in personally to pick up our tickets to Florida. You look wonderful.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Sorry to hear about your terrible loss. How are you, dear?

Corinne starts to answer but the ladies continue to talk.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

You’re a young, attractive woman. You’ll find someone. Don’t wait too long. A woman without a man is a terrible thing.

Corinne hands the ladies an envelope with their tickets.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Take my advice. Look for someone younger this time. They last longer.

As they leave, one of the ladies turns back to Corinne with a confidential whisper.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

Are you seeing anyone yet?

I have neighbors in their 90’s. God is the only one who knows how long they have been married. I am sure that in all that time, they have had their ups and downs.

They are not in perfect health but they have no extra help. He helps her. She helps him.

Today was a beautiful day and as I glanced out of my window, I saw them sitting outside in the sunshine. They were seated side by side on the patio, both reading.

But they were also holding hands.

I want some of that. Don’t you?

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Living together, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Voice, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

May 23, 2007

Attraction to a co-worker: should I tell him….?

by Rod Smith

READER: I am feeling very attracted to a co-worker. This attraction has not gone anywhere yet. I do not want to ruin my marriage. In the interests of honesty should I tell this man about my feelings to deflate the attraction?

ROD: Absolutely not – your feelings of attraction to this man are not about this man, in fact, (unless he is encouraging you) your feelings have nothing to do with him!

Here’s the axiom: You have the feeling – you have the problem.

If you are going to express this to anyone, in an attempt to “deflate the attraction,” it ought to be your husband. Such a conversation, were it to occur, must be handled with great care. Tread carefully. It takes great maturity for a couple to discuss matters that appear to be undermining their primary relationship.

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery | 3 Comments »

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »