September 21, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I was interested in your article about the ‘controlling husband’ investigating his wife’s every move that she ‘secures her privacy’. I always have felt that my cell phone, and the cell phone of my wife, should be interchangeable and left anywhere in the house for either person to use or answer should it ring. Likewise my emails can be left open and whatever comes in and out is for her to see if she wants. I’m opting for ‘one flesh’ and as such operate in unison. The beauty about ‘open communication’ at all levels is that it is quickly noticeable when someone is doing something ‘slimy’. I’m opting for this more relaxed and open model.” (Edited)
USA
to be as open as you want to be with phones and emails but the husband in the situation to which you refer is stalking, prying, demanding that everything in his wife’s life is his business. He wants to own her. This is not being “one flesh” but emotional cannibalism.
You are looking to be “two people in one boat” which I will suggest is ultimately exhausting. “Two people in two boats” I’d suggest you will find far more interesting and refreshing.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband checks my emails, my cell phone and computer history, and my credit card statements. He also grills me daily about my conversations. He’d really prefer me not to work so he knows where I am and what I am doing but we need the money. You’d think I have a history of indiscretions the way he goes on. He’ll even know I have written this email to you and he won’t be happy about it. What can I do?”
Stand up to him....
you are going to have to take back the legitimate power you have over your life. Jealousy and controlling behavior are NEVER signs of love. The man has a virus and cooperating with it (the virus) will only make things worse. While you have been conditioned to think you have few or no options, you have more than you realize.
Understanding you will pay for your actions, stand up to him, change your passwords – do whatever it takes to secure your privacy. That you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean anyone (even your husband) ought to have the freedom to look. Men who have the need to control their wives usually have real control over little else. If, as a result of your stand, he gets a life of his own, he won’t have the need to monitor or be so consumed with yours.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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September 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
I have been taking and picking up my son and daughter for years every second weekend so they can visit their dad – and we are all tired of it. The children are now teenagers and they want to go to his house for shorter and shorter stays less and less often. This is ONLY because the visits are disruptive to the social life they did not have when they were younger. I am going to say it is okay with me if they run it by their dad. Is this going to be detrimental to their mental health in the long term? (Situation synthesized from conversation)
Allowing responsible teenagers to become fully involved in shaping their own circumstances is ideal. While implementing your proposal is unlikely to cause any long term damage, including your ex-husband and your children in a face-to-face discussion regarding these changes will only stand to benefit everyone.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Teenagers, Voice |
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September 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
USA
If applied, this dozen one-liners will help inject your life with emotional wellness:
1. Forgive everyone left right and center.
2. Give as much as humanly possible.
3. Speak up so others do not have to invent your story.
4. Stay out of relationships that do not immediately concern you.
5. Trust other adults with their own lives.
6. Write your memories so your great-great grandchildren can read them one day.
7. Be willing to negotiate and to compromise.
8. Apologize efficiently and accurately.
9. Take responsibility for yourself and your decisions.
10. Tip well.
11. Risk more.
12. Think and want only for yourself.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Thanks for your suggestions about the horse-farm. Whenever I have said I’ll come over and help with the horses it’s a big ‘No, it’s his house, his property,’ and this was the guy she told me was making her life impossible when I met her. She says I cannot even to be out in the field. She is sleeping in his house and works with him on Mondays and Fridays. He has already admitted he wants her back.” (Edited)
USA
Until now you have been blind to your situation and deaf to what she has been really telling you. I’d suspect your partner is caught in a triangle of wanting her horse and not being able to stable it without succumbing to the will of her ex-husband. While this is tough for her it is you that has asked for help.
Here’s my challenge. In moving on do not try to teach the woman anything, or get back at her, or wave my columns under her nose. Just take your things (or have her take her things) and move out of her life. Tell her you are honoring her choices and that you are not willing to be in such a relationship.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Every weekend my partner stays with her ex husband because that is where her horses are and it is also nearer where she works on Fridays and Mondays. I have had nearly enough. She says she loves me but we never have weekends together. I think the universe is saying something loudly to me but whenever I try to talk about this I get tears and anger and ‘we will talk next week’ and ‘I love you but I am busy and I am tired and I am looking after the horses.’ I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.” (Edited)
Go with her....
An ex-husband who is sufficiently hospitable to house your partner’s horses will surely also welcome you. This will give you time to be together as a couple, the horses will get more attention, and your partner will presumably get more rest given your assistance.
“Pushing the system” in such a manner will expose, not what the Universe is saying to you, but what kind of a relationship you have with your partner and what kind of relationship she has with her ex-husband.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships |
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September 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
What is the least I can expect from a man whom I am seeing who continues to see past girlfriends?
Why least?
Why would you go for the “least” of anything, especially in your closest relationship? This is the “real” question to answer. Nonetheless I’d suggest you might expect monogamy, honesty, openness, and a desire to communicate about what is important to each of you.
While seeing past girlfriends (of course without the a component) is certainly possible, when and if it becomes damaging to your current relationship, or is even discomforting to you, I’d encourage your boyfriend to determine what he expects to achieve through maintaining behaviors that are hurtful to his most intimate relationship.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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September 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am going to get a divorce if my wife’s drinking continues. She has been getting progressively worse and we have only been married for three years. I can’t stand the smell and I can’t stand not knowing how things will be every weekend. We have no children and I think it is time for me to get out as soon as possible. I am not willing to watch our life get flushed down the drain because she can’t help her drinking.”
Take up your life....
responsibility, you are faced with a shared issue: your threatened marriage. If you, without her drinking, are looking for an excuse to leave, don’t make her drinking the sole impetus for your leaving. I mention this because the tone of your letter suggests your bags are already packed and her drinking is a convenient way out.
Therefore, I am going to assume a few things: you have, when she is sober, let her know how much her drinking impacts your life; given her adequate warning and opportunity to get the kind of help she needs; talked to both immediate families and alerted all regarding the gravity of what you are both facing.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am stuck between my in-laws and my husband. I am the ‘nice’ one who will communicate, who will visit, who will make suggestions that we meet for meals. My husband will go along with my plans and complain about it all once we are home. He just doesn’t like to be around his family and I do. It seems awful but he really doesn’t seem to like anyone and prefers to go to work and stay at home when he is not working. Believe it or not we have an excellent marriage. I just want him to go out more. What can I do?”
USA
He’s not. Let him be. Try to shift your wanting, the willfulness, the desire to implement change in another, off him and onto yourself only. This is NOT selfish, – while trying to impose change upon another, even when it is born of love, IS.
Make your own plans while sometimes inviting – not coercing – him to join you. Once you are in social settings while he is at home, neither “cover” for him nor expose him. Tell people the truth just as you have told me. There’s no crime in wanting to be home alone. Give your husband the room to make his own rhythm with his family. Clearly it is different from yours.
There is a very clear distinction between wanting and manipulating. The very minute our wanting is used to “push” other adults (or using white magic) our love shifts from love into manipulation. Do your own wanting for yourself – wanting your wants upon another is meddling, and a waste of vital energy, and it is a waste of a good want you could be spending more productively on yourself!
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am living with my boyfriend and I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper. What should I do?
USA
, you move out, or, you move him out. You tell him that marriage is important to you and you will move back after the wedding – if there is one. Inform him that there are many women who are willing to “live with” men without marriage, and that while that was once true for you, it is no longer so. Your boyfriend has been very clear about what he thinks of marriage and so you might take some time to evaluate whether or not you want to spend your future, build a home, rear children, combine resources with a man who regards a sacred commitment and a legal contract with such flippancy. What if he decides your child’s birth certificate is “just a piece of paper”, or your home or car loan is “just a piece of paper” and walks away from the related responsibilities.
ACT, Australia
for awhile and are following through with the thoughts you have been having and values you are holding. It would be good to explore them even more, perhaps in a journal or getting help from someone who can help you put words to what has brought you to this decision. Solidifying and validating what you are strongly feeling is part of walking into the change you want to see happen in your situation. Following your own value system as it is so totally different to your partner’s will be your ‘next’ step.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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