Rozanne Hay, Durban, South Africa / Guest Writer

‘Its pay day today…Wednesday 15th’ we must go out tonight. The girls from Jacobs have called, requesting a visit.

It’s 6pm. The notorious tavern opposite, is in full swing.

Our team set off towards Wentworth our first planned stop.

The roads are busy with truckers. We turn into the industrial estate and pass a lonesome Girl. Look at her face! a counsellor comments, It’s old, she’s had a hard life! We stop to talk. She’s cautious as more than 1 person per vehicle spells trouble. We reassure her and inform her of our programme. She is 14years old.

We stop alongside a group of young girls. Unexpectedly, a portly oriental man steps forward. The counsellor retreats. There is history between them.

Further long a group has gathered around cinders, while another attempts to light a flame with gathered industrial cardboard and woodshavings. We readily join them and launch into sex education and protection and our services offered. A crowd gathers as the Truckers park alongside the curb. Multipacks of condoms filter through the crowd and bulging pockets are visible. The camaraderie between punters and Girls ignites and our team moves on.

Nearing the car, a bantering couple stand in the shadows of a streetlamp. A vivacious 18month babygirl is in mother’s arms. Skill development and our services are of no interest, for her this is a career choice.

Travelling out of the industrial area, we briefly wait alongside a disused container. My car is recognised. Thoko appears and elaborates on winning her murder trial. Her intoxicated, deceased client had locked her in his car and joy rode the streets at terrifying speeds. She feared for her life and fired a warning shot from the rear seat, followed by the fatal shot. She assures us she will be returning to the programme.

Zodwa’s ‘boyfriend’calls and asked me to attend Mayville Police station now. She has been arrested for bottle stabbing another girl. This visit is scheduled for the morning and I sense the Charge Officer may not be lenient this time, its a gruesome attack.

Entering the Northern suburbs we park and set out in teams. Our first stop is with a preteen. When challenged on her reason for soliciting, she claims ‘to like nice things’. Unlike the majority, she has an intact home life. A condom pack was refused as she perceives that this is only required with the onset of menstruation.

Ahead, I recognise some of our Rehab girls. A number were out on business. The distant sight of a patrolling police van causes an instant scatter response, with due reason. The metro police are informed and updated regarding this outreach programme, yet the message fails to filter through. Having been on the receiving end of Metro Police aggression and accusations of soliciting under the disguise of an NGO, they are best avoided.

Before long the van passes and the Girls reappear. Client cars dawdle past at a death march pace seeking their prey. Girls run to cars, others hold back. This clients aggression is known to some.

Down the side alley a steady flow of cars enter the short term lodgings.

The police are seeking to arrest en mass until the visitors depart. The foreigners are in town for sport. They continue to patrol.

Sethle arrives and appears unresponsive. Relaying her traumatic ordeal, I silently wonder when these girls will realise 3 potential clients in a car are unlikely to equate to 3 customers!

Its 2am, we gather our teams, identify those for Trauma debriefing and counselling and schedule them for the morning. As we gather up Girls for Addington, another Girl known to me, approaches with a heavily pregnant teen. How can I help her, she doesn’t want this baby. Another talks about her premature baby she hasn’t collected from hospital. He’s 4months old. Visiting is too difficult as this baby too may die at year, of malnutrition or other.

En route to Addington Hospital, a glue sniffing child enters into conversation. He too, identifies with the Girls, previously rural children, failed by their communities. They all have found a sisterhood/brotherhood and a sense of belonging on the streets.

“My son (13) will not visit his dad as he has done for 5 years since our divorce. He won’t give reasons. I think the visits are an inconvenience and he prefers to stay where his friends are. What should I do?”

USA

My rationale is neither uncaring nor unreasonable and my suggestion is not focused on the immediate. Leaving children to face their own dilemmas, to talk face-to-face with the key players in any conflicted scenario (with teachers, parents, step-parents, neighbors) steels children for future success.

A child who can address, or learns to address, his or her father about such matters will develop life-long helpful skills that will equip him or her to address any matter with anybody.

This is his issue. Unless you want to spend a lifetime saving and delivering the boy from everything tough and uncomfortable, avoid it now.

{I invited, James 15, to share his views…. see below…..}

South Africa

As for what to do now, have you talked to the father about his relationship with his son? The father should extend his hand to his son. If he is maybe lonely at his father’s house, why not let him take a friend along when he visits?

ACT, Australia

Scotland

Being a teenager is all about having friends, and the beginnings of gradually moving away from family, but not to the exclusion of family. One of the examples your son has had of what happens when relationships get tough, is that you separate and give up. Are there other people that he trusts who can show him an alternative to this? How he can have a more grown up relationship with his dad? He needs this example too!

India

“You describe ‘emotional fault-lines’ in a relationship that you say requires intensive understanding ‘on behalf of the one so inflicted.’ I was accused of everything you describe: not giving enough attention, not showing enough concern, not being on the ‘same page.’ I am not sure who is the ‘one so inflicted.’ Do you mean the person who suffers from this error in belief on the one who is the victim? How do you ‘embrace and accept’ these fault-lines in another without appeasing? If I had embraced and accepted, surely I would be appeasing?”

USA

It is possible to remain untouched, non-anxious, when accused as described and to repeatedly declare your unwillingness to accept her attempts to control and sabotage the relationship.

“How much attention is sufficient? Why do you require so much concern? We can be on different pages, in fact we can be in separate books (to continue the metaphor) and be in love,” are useful questions when relating to the detrimentally needy.

Try it for a day or three...

A meek person has the strength to bully others into getting what the stronger person wants but never does. A meek person never uses his or her strength for selfish reasons. A meek person “backs down” from some conflict, by his or her own choice, and not because he or she is afraid or intimidated. A meek person is able to make the call on when conflict is useful and when it is not.

Meekness is a quality that comes with humility, and humility is usually the birth-child of suffering, of good parenting and of wise living.

Pursue a meek attitude for a few days. If you think being meek is easy, try it for a month or two.