How do my husband and I get the excitement back?

by Rod Smith

About 11 years ago, my husband had a three-year affair with his secretary. It’s now over, as far as I know. Since his indiscretions, our sex life is poor. How do we get the excitement back? We’ve been together over 30 years. He doesn’t seem to be too interested in me, or sex at all. What am I doing wrong or, does he just not find me attractive anymore? Please help me. I am about to find love elsewhere.



If you both face the past with honest, possibly brutal, dialogue and a mutual commitment to listening and learning, you might find the emotional intimacy sufficient to ignite adult sexual physical attraction, rather than reducing attraction to something purely physical.

What is unresolved from the past will remain between you like an invisible wall. If you do not begin talking to each other about the very painful matters of the past, you might find yourselves stuck in an unfulfilling future.

Trying to find love “elsewhere” will certainly make a difficult marriage more difficult. The solution, or the approximation of one, lies in the living (active, dynamic) space between you and you husband and not in some false comfort found outside of the marriage.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

Your husband’s lack of interest in you isn’t about what you are doing wrong. It’s about his choices concerning his own issues. When relational struggles happen in a marriage, when intimacy only happens through a sexual relationship, there are significant dynamics missing in a couples’ ‘connection’ with one another. Did the two of you ever go for counseling after your husband’s affair? Did you get help to work through his betrayal and rejection? Talk to your husband about seeking help now about your relationship – its history and its future. It will take energy and focus for both of you to ‘begin again’. Your husband’s affair happened 11 years ago, but if the reasons were never addressed, if the impact of it on your marriage was never processed, the reasons for it are still alive and well in you both.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Finding love elsewhere is avoiding the problem and is a temporary escape from dissatisfaction. It will hurt you, not help you. Focus on your own growth and what you want for your life. Sexual intimacy is most profound when you have enough Self to be separate from each other in order, paradoxically, to be together. Don’t pursue him. Don’t focus your energy on your husband. Instead, find a community of people amongst whom you can grow. The more self-defined you are, the higher the potential will be for a deeper level of sexual intimacy within your marriage. People who are self-directed, engaged, “connected” and are pursuing their dreams are attractive. Read “A Passionate Marriage” as a practical guide for your sex life and it may transform YOUR life.

One Comment to “How do my husband and I get the excitement back?”

  1. My wife and I have been married for 8 years, this is my 2nd and her 3rd. My first wife died after we were married for almost 30 years and we were very much a true couple. I do dearly love my current wife and she is a very sweet and loving woman and very pretty. My issue is she has not been interested in sex with me for over 2 years. There have been some small health issues but none to exclude sex. I am a very loving and attentive husband, I truely enjoy doing for her and would rather spend time with her then doing something like fishing, sports or watching TV. I clean up with I get home from work, shave and try to make myself appealing. Nothing. I’m at a point that I have been thinking about looking for some intimate company else where. I don’t want to do this because it goes against what I believe in and I feel guilty for doing so but the urge is very strong. We have talked about her lack of interest in our sex life but no action has taken place yet. Anyone have a suggestion?

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