Archive for ‘Difficult Relationships’

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July 17, 2009

Grandparenting can be really grand, or it can be a grand nightmare….

by Rod Smith

Take up your life

Take up your life

Being a grandparent can be tough and some circumstances make it tougher. Here are three variables for discord and three that will provide a platform of greater integrity:

MAKING IT TOUGHER

1. The baby arrives embodying the hope of salvation from the dismal, ordinary lives of the men and women in the immediate family. “She gives us all a reason to live,” said grandmother* to friends, the baby ensconced in her tender grip. “This one’s going to turn out right. I will make sure of that,” she says only to herself. *Insert grandfather, mother, father, and you have fertile soil for discord and emotional entrapment.
2. The baby arrives and grandparents are well off, while the parents are in a tough financial place. Of course the parents want the best for the child and “stuff” is both needed and given. Even though the grandparents’ generosity might be benign – the platform is healthier when the child arrives and lives within the parents’ budget and is not “subsidized” by extended family. Of course I do not mean “normal” sharing of celebratory gifts.
3. Families can and often will unite or “let bygones be bygones” when a new baby enters the family (especially a first grandchild) but unresolved discord will again surface and the baby will be the (unintended) recipient of unnecessary baggage, having been unable to deliver the family from its conflict.

Three conditions that will provide a platform of greater health and integrity when a new baby enters an extended family:

MAKING IT “EASIER”

1. Naming rights are the sole domain of the parents, and the parents are absolutely free of all expectations to name the baby after anyone living, dead, real, or fictional at the request of, or under pressure from, anyone in the family. [Perhaps you would believe how often this is an issue. “In THIS family ALL the first born boys are named after MY great-great uncle who was the first man to ….. (insert achievement here) ….. so do you want to be IN my will or OUT of my will,” says dad with a warm smile.]
2. The extended family provides meals and support for the new mother and father but does not take the new baby from the parents so “you can get some rest” or “here, I’ve done this before, let me do that for you.” While favors and offers of help can be very necessary and very kind the greater help is to clear the deck of extraneous tasks so the mother and father may be free to be absolutely present with the baby as much as possible. [“Here, I’ll do the shopping for you so YOU can be with the baby,” says auntie, rather than, “Here, I’ll take the baby so YOU can go shopping.”]
3. The baby arrives and joins the family much like (forgive the simple analogy) a car joins the flowing traffic on a well-run busy freeway system. Babies are better off when people are already enjoy fulfilling lives, where the baby does not become the center of the universe, where the child joins, and things continue, rather than bringing life to a standstill for everyone, and then becoming the focal point around which all meaning and purpose is derived.

Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, Grace | Leave a Comment »

July 16, 2009

On the road again…

by Rod Smith

On the road again...

On the road again...

It has been quite a week! I’ve had clients pour in from near and far. My children are on school holidays (three full months!). The task of keeping them somewhat occupied is no easy one. The house is a mess, the laundry pile grows and grows despite my daily laundry ritual. Someone’s always hungry! Then, to cap it all, about three weeks ago a little dog came walking along our street dragging a leash. I took him to three local vets to advertise his decision to move into our house and to check if he had an identification chip implant!

We’ve named him Maximilian Goodrich Temba Smith but we call him “Max.” This Chihuahua thinks he has landed in heaven.

Amidst all the chaos and activity, I deeply enjoy the ongoing dialogue with ‘You and Me’ readers (aka “Take Up Your Life” and “Difficult Relationships” depending on where you are reading) who readily allow me (and now “us”) into their private pains, joys, small and large successes, while we all search for deeper meaning in busy, full lives.

Next week my children and I will be in Phoenix, Arizona where I will speak at a camp. Then we’ll whip up to the Grand Canyon and attend a wedding reception in Southern California – before we head back to Indiana, and back to school! I’ll be writing ‘You and Me’ from the road! Please be patient, the Internet is not available everywhere, and posting for four other writers could become cumbersome — but I will do my best.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

July 15, 2009

When siblings become adults…

by Rod Smith

Scotland

Scotland

As children, many of us experience a measure of sibling rivalry; we vie with our brothers and sisters for our parents’ attention. We get into habits of thinking that we are in competition with them. We can either feel powerful or powerless in our relationships.

As adults however the situation is different.

An older brother is no longer more important than I am – we are now both adults. A younger sister is no longer little and more cute that I am – we are both adults. We need to invest time and energy in getting to know one another as equals, leaving behind us out-dated ways of thinking. We must no longer ask our parents to mediate, nor to be the “passers-on” of information. It takes courage to step out of habits of a lifetime, and first steps can feel very strange, even risky. If we can manage our anxiety, keep a level head, take time to keep a healthy perspective, then maybe we have a chance to change entrenched patterns of relating that are serving no-one, and change our family histories too!

Write to Jo@TakeUpYourLife.com to make direct Email contact with Jo Russel. Jo lives in West Kilbride, Scotland where she has a private counseling practice.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

July 15, 2009

Yes. It is all connected…

by Rod Smith

It all connected...

It all connected...

I have met parents concerned about the degree of conflict experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.

“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) is connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man whom I have refused to talk to for the past five years?”

Indeed.

“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”

Indeed.

When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships. A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows. Yes. It is all indeed connected.

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Responsive people, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | Leave a Comment »

July 15, 2009

How do I get my daughter (7) to open up to me?

by Rod Smith

“I am a single mother of two girls (“C” 3 and “K” 7). I know children go through phases like trying to define themselves and find their place in the cycle of it all. “K” the 7-year-old is super defiant, but with only me. With her paternal grandmother, with whom I have my own issues with as she is a control freak, and seems to think she can dictate the comings and goings of everyone’s lives, but that’s another matter altogether, she is as sweet as anything. Whether I ask her to do, or not to do something, in a nice and sweet and calm manner, or whether it’s at the point where I’ve asked so many times and my voice is raised, she will always tell me no! She doesn’t talk to me. She shouts at me whether we are talking or arguing. She turns everything into an argument. I have discovered she is quite the little liar and frighteningly good at it and has a bit of a vindictive streak. I know all siblings have the ever-present sibling rivalry, but it seems to me that K is a bit over the top with her rivalry towards her sister. She constantly bullies her, punches, smacks, pinches, you name it, and she does it. Whether C (my younger daughter) has done anything or not, K will just walk up to her and hurt her. C does her fair share of pushing buttons, I am in no way choosing sides, I love both my daughters more than anything else in life. K, I think, has a few underlying anger issues in her little life, which I find very puzzling indeed. How can one so very young carry so much anger? I have tried to talk to her, but she always shuts up, or changes the subject. How do I get her to open up to me and talk things through with me? It feels as if there is a wedge between us (already), and we’re growing apart. I do not want that to happen, ever! How do I help her get over her anger? How do I teach her respect, for herself and others as well as her belongings? I am at the end of my tether. I have told her that if she does not make an effort to get herself together, and respect me and follow the rules, then I will send her to boarding school next year. And she doesn’t seem to care, she doesn’t think I will go through with it. Please help.”

USA

USA

Rod: Your daughter’s paternal grandmother is not “another matter.” It is THE story. Your child is trapped in the fray of a battle of wills between you and her grandmother. If this is crazy, dear mother, let me know. I am very open to being wrong. If it is even partially true, let’s talk more before you make any moves. Any moves you make to de-triangle yourself and your daughter must be sustainable and reasonable or, when the plans fail or you are unable to follow through on your decisions, things will go back to square one and you will be more deeply entrenched in patterns you already find unhelpful. Also, grandmother is NOT the problem but is as much a part of the problem as you are. This is something you have both found yourself in progressively. The solution does not depend on cutting anyone out, breaking off from anyone – but it will involve strong resolve to clarify roles. It is my hunch that grandmother has “found herself” through your daughter(s) and this, if true, will be a pivotal point of power for any child.

India via Hawaii

India via Hawaii

Gideon (India): Threatening to send a 7-year old child to a boarding school because of her ill behavior will only widen the chasm between you and your daughter. Not to mention add to the anger, resentment, and rejection that she will feel either now, or later in her life. I suspect and presume, as a single mother, that there has not been a steady father figure in her life? I have encountered many young children of single mothers who, having been given even just an ounce of attention by a positive male role model, will feel a sense of acceptance and love that can come from a nurturing male figure. My encouragement, if you haven’t already done so, is to ask an uncle, a trusted male friend or relative, if he can spend some quality time doing something that is fun and safe with her. See how she responds to interacting with a “father-like” figure who can speak words of encouragement, teach her mutual respect, and inspire to her to be a happier person. And hopefully, sending her away wouldn’t have to be a “last resort”.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

Jean (Australia): There are many questions that come to mind as I read your letter. You obviously have a child who is very angry and I wonder what is under that anger. You don’t mention her father but what part does he play in her behavior? Is there pain because of unexplained absences? Can you trace her anger and defiance back to a specific event or time? Often when a child can’t put into words his or her confusion about the reality in the home, or the insecurity that results because unexplained events, intense emotions are the way he or she will communicate what’s going on inside. How about others’ anger? Is she able to see anger expressed in a healthy way?

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Parenting/Children, Voice, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

July 13, 2009

Ex and new husband turn my children against me….

by Rod Smith

“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

It would be a good idea to sit down and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.

USA

USA

Avoid recruiting the children into the inevitable crossfire. This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.

Scotland

Scotland

It is sad when children are asked to split their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Your ex-wife and you are the parents, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | Leave a Comment »

July 13, 2009

My husband told me two weeks ago that he loves me but he isn’t “in love” with me….

by Rod Smith

“My husband told me two weeks ago that he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He isn’t happy in our marriage, work, or things he always enjoyed doing. He wants to feel his eyes light up when I walk in the room and have an exciting sex life. He is on medication for blood pressure and heart problems. He moved out. I cry myself to sleep. I am trying to do things for myself: gym, new haircut, but nothing helps. I put together a photo album for him asking him to focus on the positive things about our marriage. The last pages are photocopies of his love letters so he can remember the reasons he loved me. I sound desperate but my fairytale ending was to grow old with my husband.” (Edited)

From Canberra

From Canberra

Nothing you have done has brought about this change in your husband. There is nothing you can do to make it better. I affirm you for ‘giving him that space’. It must be very difficult for you as you continue to work for him. When we have shared our lives with another, then find that we are totally powerless over the outcome of what is happening, the grief, the loss, comes as a shock that we don’t know how to deal with. Your feelings are totally understandable. Get professional support for what you are going through. Hopefully your husband will seek his own therapy so he can process the inner struggle that he is having.

Scotland

Scotland

Your husband isn’t a happy man just now by the sound of it. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change him. His unhappiness is inside of him. You cannot make him happy through a new haircut, through the most exciting sex in the world, nor with a photo album. Fairy-tale endings are just that – fairy-tales! Made-up stories we tell children. Real life is usually less certain, and certainly messier. Keep taking care of you! It is your only way out.

USA

USA

There’s no quick fix. Surround yourself with healthy women (not those who “beat up” men and rehash their failed relationships). Attempt, as you have been, to get on with your own life. Trying to re-recruit your husband will only push him away. Take time to grieve, but the sooner you take up your life, the more attractive you will find everything. His issues are his. What he says he wants is unavailable to him – without you.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Being in love is a feeling which never lasts. Loving somebody is a choice with the potential to last forever. Focus on decreasing your dependency on him and increasing your level of self by discovering what you want from life. This will be more attractive then any new haircut or reminiscing over love letters. Read “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. Meet him out for lunch and ask him the questions that you need answered.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

July 11, 2009

My husband is charming the outside world but has violent outbursts with me…. Can he change?

by Rod Smith

Readers, kindly offer your insights through “comments” and read the therapists’ (Jean’s, and Kathryn’s) opinions in a day or two.

“I have been married for eight months to a man who seemed well educated and liberated. Barely months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me over a trivial things. In disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, and blamed me for his outbursts saying I ‘provoked him’. We started therapy. I see him not getting violent. He is as touchy as ever, argues for hours, days even though I beg him to leave me alone. He makes demands and expects me to fulfill them and shows no appreciation. He makes me feel like I am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?”

From Canberra

From Canberra

Change can happen – but it will be you who begins it. Are you able to tell him how you feel about the way he treats others in comparison with how he treats you? Would you be prepared to tell him that you won’t tolerate his choices to be violent with you? Change can happen, when you change the way you relate to him when he inflicts pain on you. If you need professional help to implement this, I suggest you go for it.

Can YOU change?

Can YOU change?

Can you change? Do not cooperate with his pathological outbursts and bullying. Leave whenever it begins. Say, “I’ll come back when you get over yourself and begin behaving like an adult.” Expose his dark side to your closest family and friends. These patterns of his behavior did not begin with you and nor are they provoked by you, and are beyond your role as a wife to even begin to attempt to fix. The man needs help (and discipline, and a tough stand) beyond the calling of any wife. In short, get out of the way of his pathology, expose – as far as you are able and as far as it directly affects you – his charming appearance, and find your own powerful voice whenever you have to deal with him.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

KATHRYN: He has pent up anger which didn’t just develop after your marriage. You’re the closest person to him, therefore he chooses to release it on you. Blaming you for his outbursts is his way of not dealing with it, which allows him to continue doing so, as long as you are a willing participant. You have the power to let him know what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Take it back. He may need individual therapy before marriage therapy may prove helpful.

READER RESPONDS (NO PICTURE AVAILABLE): Regarding the query from the woman whose husband is so discontented (Mercury, 16 July 2009) – this man has no concept of what it really means to love someone, let alone be contented. In fact, he sounds very self-centred and immature. A Don Francisco song goes, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”. There is also a book on depression, by Minirth and Meier, with a title I like: “Happiness is a Choice”. There are plenty of other cliched truisms along this theme.

The concepts of love and marriage have been done a great disservice by the media’s romance industry. Yes, there is a place for romance, passion and excitement, but these are essentially self-centred and depend on feelings. One cannot remain infatuated and at a peak of passion all one’s life. True love is unconditional and other-centred, not self-centred – on both sides of the relationship. It values the other person and involves mutual commitment and fidelity, regardless of what life throws at them. In a one-sided relationship, there is a giver and a taker, which is unbalanced. The tragedy is that this man will probably leave a trail of broken hearts as he pursues his self-centred agenda, charming women then getting bored once the infatuation abates. He really needs to grow up!

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Victims, Violence, Voice | 1 Comment »

July 9, 2009

I am the other woman. Should I contact the wife and confess?

by Rod Smith

“I am the other woman in a relationship of five years. It just came out, and now the wife is leaving. I feel horrible. Should I contact her and confess? I have felt guilty for years but never ended it. I probably never would have ended if this wouldn’t have happened. The guy wants to still continue to see me but I just can’t.”

From Canberra

From Canberra

JEAN: One’s needs for love, comfort, feeling valuable and significant in a special someone’s life can override any of value/belief systems. Confessing to the wife will not alleviate your guilt. Perhaps this present circumstance is a good time to explore deeper why you put yourself through such inner turmoil in order to get your needs met.

Stay out....

Stay out....

Rod: Make contact with neither party. Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. You will be no help to the wife, and, it is already established that you and the husband are no good for each other. Five years is a long time to deceive. I have no doubt deception will have become a way of life for you, possessing somewhat of an addictive quality. Although you have contributed to significant damage for this couple, you cannot participate in their, or her, healing. Don’t try. Your complete disregard for the sanctity of marriage reflects on your apparent disregard for yourself. It is going to be a long road, but I hope you find the one that leads you to a realization of your own inestimable value.

Remove yourself....

Remove yourself....

KATHRYN: What is it about your view of yourself that you became the “other woman.” Feeling guilty for years is the direct result of living a lie. It’s interesting that you ended it after the wife found out and is leaving. A confession would serve to alleviate some of your guilt perhaps, but is irrelevant and may cause more hurt to the wife unless it is something she requests for her own healing. Remove yourself. Allow them to deal with the pain that is the consequence of an extramarital affair. Learn from your feelings of guilt, sit with them, and allow this to stop you from dating married men again. Spend energy working on yourself consider the possibility of becoming involved in a healthy relationship that is open and free.

Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce | 4 Comments »

July 7, 2009

Wife smokes in every room…

by Rod Smith

“I am struggling to keep my marriage together. My wife, a heavy smoker, smokes in the house, in every room, and even smokes in the bedroom when I am there. She smokes watching television. She does not care where she smokes. As a trained nurse she should know better. I have asked her to be considerate and smoke in places that will not affect her families’ health. The request falls on deaf ears. She reminds me that I was once a smoker. I make her tea every morning and we drink it together, then she lights up. She works from her office at home and smokes continuously. I cannot sit and talk to her in the office, as the smoke is terrible. What should I do?”

Kathryn Powell

Kathryn Powell

KATHRYN: Having smoked in the past has no bearing and, is no reason to compromise your health by continuing to allow your wife to smoke in the home you share. Putting herself at risk for lung cancer is her prerogative. Jeopardizing your health, and your children’s health, shows her lack of respect. When the smoke is present, you are not. Consider looking at how you have allowed the smoke to act as a barrier in your marriage.

Smokescreen!

Smokescreen!

ROD: This is a smokescreen. Deeper, longer-lasting, unresolved matters among you lay beneath every pack of cigarettes. And, Sir, it is easy to think you are the hero/victim (having quit the habit) and to think of your wife as the villain for persistently lighting up. These matters are seldom simple. Couples therapy is highly recommended and that you find a professional with the chutzpa to help you and your wife find, then fight, your enduring unresolved battles.

Three Cs

Three Cs

JEAN: There are three broad principles I like to suggest in regards to your marriage. The first is ‘Care for yourself’; the second ‘Care for your mate’ and the last is ‘Care for your marriage’. Seek help in why you have poured yourself out for your family with little thought to your own needs. You will be surprised at what you find.

Posted in Anger, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

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