November 11, 2010
by Rod Smith
Every now and again a real hold-in-your-hands Mercury newspaper finds its way to Indianapolis and I eagerly turn the pages. I read the news and marvel at the prices you are paying for stuff. As has been always so, I LOVE “The Idler” (it was my first real reading when I was a child) and then I see this column.
Seeing it. Reading it, evokes a few responses I’d like to divulge:
I’m humbled and honored. To occupy this prime position is a great honor, one that I do not take lightly.
I am thrilled to bring my perspective on families, relationships, therapy, and mental health to you.
I am delighted to be repeatedly informed of You and Me sightings on refrigerator doors, school bulletin boards, hospital notice boards, and in Church newsletters. What a delight.
But the real joy surges when a reader writes of how You and Me helped change his life or when a woman writes that she is learning to stand up for herself, speak her mind, declare he boundaries, I am reminded of the real reason I love writing You and Me.
Next week I will be write from two wonderful European cities: Amsterdam and Geneva – where I will be speaking for Youth With A Mission (YWAM).
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Recovery |
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October 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see each other. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me. I never talked to him again. He never called me and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him and gave me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The ‘relationship’ between us was on and off for two years. I have guilt about and still have feelings for him. I do not contact him but I want to. I fear his wife and know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt wild for him. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you think?”
It’s an affair (or an act of unfaithfulness) if it seduces either person from his or her primary intimate relationship, makes either person have to lie to anyone, and involves any intimate physical contact.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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September 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Send me your "Something Beautiful"
Write something beautiful – and send it to me.
Keep your contribution to 200 words. Pick a moment from today or from any time in your life and recount it.
I have a few motives:
1. I like to surround myself with beauty. Your writing will assist me toward that end.
2. I believe that each of our lives is a collection of its own set of miracles, its own quarry of joys and delights, even if it is, at the same time, filled with challenges.
3. I’d like to publish a few of your offerings (thus the word limit) and send a prize to the writer of the best piece.
So, have at it. I will be the sole adjudicator of your “something beautiful” submission, and, until it goes to press (if it does) your only reader.
I will send the winner his or her choice of three books: one of the Joan Anderson books I mentioned earlier this week or a copy of a book I have read every June for about 8 years: Failure of Nerve by Ed. Friedman. Please place “Something Beautiful” in the subject line of your Email or your comment. I will close submissions by Friday, October 1, 2010. I look forward to reading something beautiful from you.
Email address: Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com
Rod Smith
9/29/2010
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process |
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September 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
Intimacy is an individual pursuit
1. A couple where each person works on his or her individual distinctness, is more likely to find deeper
intimacy with each other than the couple who gives up individuality for each other.
2. Intimacy is found in the connection of differences, and not in the pursuit of sameness or uniformity.
3. A person who cannot be alone will also find difficulty being together.
4. There is no such thing as instant authentic intimacy (as in say a one-night encounter). It can take years to develop and, ironically, it is often, in romantic relationships, distracted in its development by sexual behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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September 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. Refusing to lie for you.
2. Allowing the consequences of your actions to hold you accountable.
3. Allowing you to fail.
4. Getting out of your way when you are angry so you may deal with whatever is upsetting you.
5. Refusing to rescue you from your moodiness.
6. Telling you the truth as I see it.
7. Resisting the urge to let your self-made issues pull me down.
8. Keeping my phone, Email, messages private, unless I choose to share.
9. Allowing myself to be happy and fulfilled even if you are not.
10. Supporting, loving you, while allowing my uniqueness (and your uniqueness) to blossom.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Womanhood |
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August 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
Open yourself to growth
about the degree of conflict experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.
“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) are connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man to whom I have refused to talk for the past five years?”
Indeed.
“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”
Indeed.
When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships.
A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows.
Yes. It is all indeed connected.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family, In-laws, Leadership |
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August 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
“In twenty years my husband has never told me he loves me. I know he does but he just can’t say the words. He makes up for this in so many ways but it would be nice to hear. Please help.”
Let him off the hook
For some people the words “I love you” get trapped where head, heart, and history intersect and the love can find no escape but through loving acts.
Enjoy his love, even if the words “I love you” are never said. Let him off the hook. Love him by relieving him of this expectation.
If your husband were the person writing to me I’d challenge him to learn to love you with both actions and words. I’d suggest he at least take a look at when and how these words lost their legs inside him.
Since you wrote I will suggest you use this circumstance to advance your own growth by resisting the understandable urge to meddle with his head and heart.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
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August 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My wife ‘disappears’ about once a month for a day at a time to go shopping with her three best friends. They start early with breakfast and go mall hopping, then they have lunch. After lunch they hit the malls again and then get dinner together. Sometimes they end the day with a movie and it is ten or eleven o’clock before she gets home. This gets to me. My wife gets upset and says I am the only husband who complains. It’s not the money – my wife is very good with money. I think that just because my wife doesn’t have to work it doesn’t mean there are not things that have to be done around the house and I just like her to be home when I get home.” (Edited)
Use your time to show your love....
is your domestic issue, that your wife has a life outside of the home, that she has committed friendships, and that she is part of a community of women who want to spend time together.
On her days out, once you arrive home, get busy with completing the “things that have to be done” while you are home alone. Working around the house will get your mind off her absence and demonstrate the love you feel for her.
Unhook your wagon, sir. It is possible to love your wife without monitoring her. It is possible for you to have similar involvement with a group of friends.
Really, this is such a wonderful problem to have. Support your wife. Suggest she go out more than once a month. Celebrate her life and her community rather than trying to dampen and suppress it. Get more of a life for yourself, one that doesn’t depend so much on her, and find your own freedom.
You can do all this and remain wonderfully married. Repeat after me and commit to memory: No one can BOTH love and control the same person — it’s either one or the other.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Friendship, Grace, Voice |
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August 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
Leadership is lonely space
1. Have
private conversations in private, not in shared spaces like the cafeteria or staff room. Siding up to someone, whispering, pulling another into a corner for a “confidential” moment in communal space is unsettling for colleagues. Conduct confidential conversations only in your office.
2. Don’t play favorites with those you oversee. No matter how honorable your intentions or pure your affections, singling a few persons out for special treatment will come back to bite you. You are not employed to be popular. You are employed to get the job done.
3. When problems arise among those with whom you work, go to the source. Avoid focusing on the problem or the person. Focus on finding solutions.
4. Do not talk (or write) negatively, even in jest, of your employer. When you have a grievance, conduct yourself in the exact manner you’d want someone who works under you to behave.
5. Watch out for the destructive strength that comes with so-called weakness. If unheeded the whiners, groaners, and gossipers (often they are “support staff”) will grind your work to a halt. You must stand up to serial complainers no matter “loving” and caring they appear to be.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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August 8, 2010
by Rod Smith
My mother-in-law is very subtle in the way she puts me down. I am just not good enough and she lets me know it through looks, gestures, and laced comments. I know you will tell me to talk to her about this face-to-face and not to triangle my husband into it. Well I don’t expect my husband to intervene and I have tried to talk to her and the conversation went nowhere. She was super-nice when we met face-to-face and it was impossible to bring up anything negative. It was as if she fought off what I wanted to say with being overly nice. We are both very strong women. It feels like a competition without anyone knowing what the prize is. My children love her and she is wonderful with them. I only get strong negative feelings about her relationship with the children is when I feel she is putting me down. I am a stay-at-home mother while she has always had a successful career. (Situation synthesized from conversation and used with permission)
Apparently the helpful, positive material between you outweighs the unhelpful. I’d suggest you embrace her and consider the “looks, gestures, and laced comments” a worthy price to pay for a wonderful grandmother’s involvement in your children’s lives.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws |
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