Yesterday’s column provoked interesting responses. Here are two:
Some emotional disconnection will be helpful.....
Take full responsibility only for your own life.....
July 20, 2010
“He’s over weight” column (yesterday) provokes interesting responses…..
July 19, 2010
He is overweight and he won’t do anything about it….
“I have been very happily married for 16 of 20 years. The change came when my husband started to put on weight and let himself go. I also put on weight but went on diet and started walking to keep fit. I still exercise and follow a healthy lifestyle. I want to look attractive for my age. Our relationship isn’t good. I have a problem with his weight. We are hardly ever intimate and I’m not attracted to him anymore. I feel I still love him. He says I must love him whether he’s overweight or not. My argument is that I am making the effort to look good and take care of myself and I think he can do.”
This is a power-struggle!
While he is telling you that you must love him despite his weight, he is minding your business. Who, how, when you love, is your business, and not his.
This is a control issue for each of you – yes, the both of you. Get off his scale and he might (only might) stop telling you how to love.
Give up trying to checkmate your mate, begin minding your own business, and you might fall in love all over again.
From Steve, my friend and business partner: I would remind ‘happily married for 16 or 20 years’ to perhaps ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies early of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next partner. She can make a deal to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and actually playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond – with or without her overweight husband. Cheers, Steve
July 15, 2010
He’s losing interest in me…….
“My boyfriend (21) is losing interest in our relationships. He’s not running around with other girls or anything like that. He’s just not calling as much and is choosing not to be with me. It is cold between us. I am 19 and I don’t want to be alone. How can I get this going again?” (Letter required extensive editing)
A little separation is helpful....
You will lose yourself in his pursuit and end up with neither.
Explore your fear of being alone. Do you want this particular young man or is he an escape path for your loneliness? I’d suggest you embark upon several years without a romantic interest. Take the time develop a wide, diverse circle of friends. This will allow you to increasingly discover comfort in being “alone” and you will develop the grace to share your life with a chosen partner and enjoy a healthy, sustainable, non-anxious future.
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AXIOM
Whatever you use to attract and keep someone, you will have to continue and increase to sustain the relationship. If a relationship doesn’t have natural energy, it will become a game of hide and seek, and “catch me if you can”. This is usually way too much work for anyone with a growing, healthy sense of self.
July 13, 2010
Can abuse stop?
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
July 9, 2010
Flying with children – 10 ways to make it to cloud 9!
Flying with children? It’s a pleasure – usually. Long hauls, short hauls – bring it on. I accessed our multiple frequent flyer accounts, having just gotten home to the Midwest (USA) from Sydney, Australia, to see my sons (8 and 12) and I have up racked up well over a million miles – and most of it as a family. My elder son had Premier Executive status with United Airlines by age 2.
If you and your children are flying anywhere this summer here are some ways to make flying with children a delight:
Ohare and my boys....
2. Trust your children. By age seven each of my sons could find his way around several terminals, check himself into a flight, handle his passport, and respond to questions from customs and immigration officials. My sons have not had to do any unaccompanied flying, but I have used endless hours in airports, often during unexpected layovers around the world to teach them everything they need to know about being international travelers.
3. Trust most of your fellow passengers. You’re sitting in airports and on planes with parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts – people who don’t know your children but who know children. Recruit help when you need it. As a single dad I had to regularly ask someone to hold the baby while I ushered my toddler to the restroom.
4. Trust the flight crew. I am yet to encounter an unfriendly flight attendant when it comes to my children. Flight attendants have taken my children on walks, entertained them in the galley, and yes, even quite recently have taken them into the cockpit!
Nathanael seated across the aisle
6. Get over the uptight, sighing, dirty-stare passenger who feels above flying near a baby or with children. Your children have as much right to fly as any other ticketed passengers. If Mr. Grumpy World Traveler is bemoaning your child’s presence on a plane, imagine what he’s like at home with his children.
7. Don’t medicate children for your convenience – on or off the plane. Doing so will probably work against you one day.
8. Teach you children cabin etiquette and how things work – just as you teach good hygiene and table manners. Overhead lights, window shades, upright seatbacks, fold-down tables, using call-lights, seat belts, and the uses and rules associated with each are very interesting to young children – the sooner the children know cabin etiquette the better.
They've seen the world, but LOVE Indy!
10. As far as it is possible, only use carry-on baggage. This speeds progress though airports and increases flexibility when there are flight changes or cancellations. Efficiency means less time and opportunity for moodiness! From as young as possible (I chose 6), let each child be fully responsible for his or her own possessions. Each of my boys packs his own bag, monitors its whereabouts at all times, and is fully responsible for getting it on and off the plane. I don’t allow my children to pack their things in my bags and nor do I put my stuff in their bags. I do not allow them to help each other out with their luggage. Such “helping” is not helpful as it only adds to confusion and finger-pointing when things go missing or, if for any reason, stress levels increase.”You pack it, you care for it, you carry it” – is one of our many mottoes.
(Rod Smith, a single parent to two boys each adopted at birth, teaches internationally for Youth With a Mission in the summers, and at St. Richard’s School in Indianapolis during the academic year. Rod is a Family Therapist, writer, and teacher.)
July 7, 2010
He’s fallen for a massage “gal” who gives him favors…..
Things will get tough before they improve....
Get IN, not OUT!
July 6, 2010
Signs you are in newfound love……
“I think I am in love. Please give me some positive signs to affirm that I am in love rather than give me a list of warnings about what could go wrong?” (Edited)
Certainly. It will be my pleasure:
You will find communion rather than anxious attraction.....
2. You are more yourself than ever – there are no eggshells to tiptoe over, no topics to avoid, no facades to perpetuate.
3. You find yourself free of any sense of control or possessiveness when it comes to your newfound love.
4. You maintain a life separate from him or her while you are also becoming closer and closer as the relationship grows.
5. You have had sustained talks about faith, finances, career options, and have discussed the hurdles that accompany matters of faith, finances, and career options.
6. You have met his or her immediate and extended family and are doing what you can to embrace and understand their culture, politics, religion, and a general sense of how they live life.
7. You can’t wait for each new day – that you may embrace the possibilities each new day offers.
July 1, 2010
Our daughter is very fearful…..
“Our daughter (10) is riddled with fear. She won’t sleep in her room, get up in the night without one of us getting up with her, or even enter her own room after dark to get her clothes for the next morning. She is able to speak very openly and graphically about her fears. Please shed some light on how we can handle this.”
No blame or shame...
Encourage your daughter to write her immediate and long-term goals. Encourage her to plan small steps of growth like being willing to sleep in her own room one or two nights a week. Do not punish her for her worries and concerns – they did not begin with her.
July 1, 2010
I want to get rid of my son’s phone and the Internet – he uses them for porn…..
“My son (15) uses pornography on his cell-phone and on his computer. I think my husband and I should get rid of both. My husband disagrees. We are Christians and I will not allow this sort of thing in our house.”
Technology is not the problem. Monitoring your son’s use of technology is a wise thing to do but getting rid of his access to the Internet is unlikely to solve whatever issue your family has with pornography.
No blame or shame...
Such a discussion will require preparation and unity between you and your husband – it will require acts of purposeful, planned parenting. Dumping the boy’s phone and severing the Internet is easy – but such radical quick fixes will fix nothing and do nothing to enrich your relationship with your son.
July 1, 2010
Mothers write about their sons and pornography…..
I have heard from several mothers of sons (13 to 15) who are toying with Internet pornography. Each mother says her “good boy” who is doing bad things. All but one mother is hesitant to tell the boy’s father because of the father’s health condition or because of how the father will respond. The mothers express love and distress for the children and feel powerless about their sons’ activities. Each letter reads as if the very sky is falling!
it feels like the end....
This is a tough situation but it is not the end of the world. Your son will emerge from this and be a successful man if he (not you) learns to handle his personal issues with some wisdom and restraint.
While you shoulder this alone you are being secretive (like your son) and are adding fuel his secretive front. Getting father involved allows the family to face a family issue (yes, pornography is a family issue).
Using pornography is not a “normal” phase for all boys. It is an addictive, abusive aberration – but your son will not refrain from its use if pushed, punished, or shamed. He is most likely to resist pornography if he understands why it’s damaging and learns about healthy sexuality from a caring, disinterested, adult whom is respects.
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