January 18, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am an unhappily married woman married with twin girls. It takes little for my husband and I to erupt into arguments. I have cheated on several occasions. My husband and I don’t communicate well and we haven’t had intimacy for years. Our children see arguments, exasperation, anger, resentment, and no affection. A couple of years ago I could have left my husband for one of the two other men but didn’t. This fellow lives far away so I let it slide. Meanwhile, he has been seeing another woman. Being married I had no claim on him to not date other women. I can’t stop thinking about this man and wanting him to dump the girlfriend for me. I want to win this fellow back and have the relationship with him. I know he is the man I should be with. I am terribly frustrated. Is it possible to find lasting love in leaving your spouse for someone else?” (Edited)
It is possible but it is highly, highly unlikely. Your unhappiness will prevail until you tackle your internal life-issues that have nothing to do with the men (husband included) in your life. You appear convinced your happiness is dependent on a man. Not so. Your happiness is your responsibility – man or no man.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries |
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January 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
80,000 online views
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
(November 2006)
Tell me your story. I am listening:
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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January 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
Love, peace, and generosity
Your “spirituality” is not affirmed by how much you read the Holy Scriptures, sing hymns, pray, clap your hands, or dance to contemporary religious music.
It’s not determined by how much you visit your place of worship or how much money you donate to its causes.
It’s not affirmed by your title (if you have one) or the ornate design of your robe (if you wear one) or the position your hold in the hierarchy of your faith.
But it is affirmed by your willingness to take responsibility for your life, your choices, and the good use of your skills and talents.
It’s measured by how you treat people, especially loved-ones and strangers; how you love your enemies, offer hospitality, and respect, regard, and love those who reject your beliefs.
Do you clean up after yourself?
Are you generous to a fault?
Do you love those who are different from you, whose lives might be in direct conflict with what you believe?
Do you love by listening?
If you take full responsibility for yourself, become extraordinarily generous, embrace diversity, and love others by listening, you will fast-forward your “spiritual” growth.
It’s not your title, the reach of your authority, or the crowds who respect and adore you. Rather, it’s how you respect and love those who don’t.
Tell me your story, or make your comment here…… I am listening:
Posted in Boundaries |
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January 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I was divorced 4 years ago and have daughter (7) who lives with her mother. I have been living with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a son (2). I knew my girlfriend before I got divorced and she had a good relationship with my daughter. After we moved in together she started disliking my daughter. Now that I have gained more access to my daughter my girlfriend does not like it. She says she is too young to accept all of this but it’s been already four years. She knew I had a child before we started dating. I will not choose my girlfriend over my child again. What do I do?”
Look at YOUR choices
This is not your girlfriend’s problem. It is yours.
What it is about you that you would leave a marriage and immediately move in with another woman, giving yourself no time to assess your first failed marriage? What is it about you that you’d bring yet another child into another unstable context with a woman with whom you’d not discussed joys and challenges of co-parenting your daughter?
Addressing these questions might begin to “man-you-up” (get you some backbone) so that you might begin to take more responsibility for yourself and for ALL your relationships.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepmother, Womanhood |
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January 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:
The parent who ENABLES …
1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).
3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.
5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.
The parent who EMPOWERS …
1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.
3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.
4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.
5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.
David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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January 7, 2011
by Rod Smith
He or she who enables
1. Lies, covers-up, runs interference, for the enabled.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded with responsibility for the enabled.
3. Feels like he or she is living more than one life each day; as if the choices (good and bad) of the enabled are his or her responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – bears anxiety about choices made by the enabled.
5. Seems unable to see the “self” as disconnected to the self of the enabled, and will often see this connection as “oneness” or love, or a soul-tie, or the “oneness of marriage” making the enabling somehow inescapable.
He or she who empowers
1. Learns to allow others to speak for themselves (“I will not lie for you. If you have to call in as sick when you really are hung-over you will have to make that call yourself.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible to others and for others.
3. Learns to allow most choices (not all) of those he or she loves and their consequences to run their course.
4. Learns to distinguish between helpful pain, useful anxiety, and what is and is not legitimate cause for concern.
5. Works at healthy, necessary separation, even while being married, in love, or having soul-ties.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am single male 30, educated, professional. My parents’ background is Pakistani. I have never been married and never had any children. A woman I know is 31 and from Germany where she lives with two boys ages 3 and 2. I have known her for nine years. We met and she moved to Germany. She always rejected me when we were young and she was single. She now wants to divorce her husband and spend the rest of her life with me. My family will never accept her and her family will never accept me. Please guide me.” (Edited)
You potential relationship sounds fully loaded with problems. First off, she is married. If she divorces, and is single, for at least two years, and then wants to be with you that it another matter.
It seems you are an escape route for her right now.
You are going to need and want family (your family) and so I’d respectfully submit to you that the scenario you are placing before me is not a good platform for a healthy life together.
Of course I can be wrong, but I suggest your single life will be far more attractive to you than the complications you will invoke if you head in her direction.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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January 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
Please could you tips on how to tell the difference between being “in love” with someone and being “in love with the idea of being in love.”
Being in love with the idea of being in love is essential to genuine, lasting love. Without desire the real thing has no entryway.
Genuine love, while quite able to be caught up in romantic fantasy resists losing self, self-insight, the urge for self-preservation, and the urge to self-govern. True love sacrifices, is humble, serves, can desire to move heaven and earth for another, yet it never abdicates personal responsibility or enables others to do so. It has long-haul vision. It seeks little or nothing in return, yet it is also first self-preserving. Somewhat ironically, it is able to care for itself (love itself) just a little more than it cares for a significant other.
Loving the idea of being in love tends to make us responsive to anyone who reaches out. We become somewhat ill defined and demonstrate acts of romantic desperation. We idealize the candidate whom we deem will help us fulfill that fantasy and remain committed even when faced with urgent symptoms (warnings of friends and family) suggesting the relationship is ill fated. Reality doesn’t seem to matter. It’s “I’ll-make-this-work-even-if-it-kills-me” attitude and, sadly, it often does.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Love, Trust, Young Love |
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January 3, 2011
by Rod Smith
I try to remind myself of these things everyday
Therapists, leaders, pastors, teachers, and others in the “helping professions” – in the event you want to grow in your chosen area, here are a few challenges for us all:
1. Manage you own anxiety only and resist attempts to manage the anxiety of all in your sphere of influence. This is the consummate triangle and it will suck you in and drain you of all creative energy.
2. Increase your capacity to embrace the pain of those in your sphere of influence. Your ability to “allow” it to play its course, rather than succumb to the pressure to alleviate it in any manner, will facilitate growth in all parties. Some pain is very helpful. Can you tell the difference between helpful and unhelpful pain? There are no easy formulas.
3. Keep in mind that those who seek your guidance (counsel, assistance) cannot out-grow you while they stay within your assistance and influence. Herein lies the reason it is paramount for you to consciously seek opportunities to fully develop your personal life.
4. You cannot save the world – and while you think you can or should, and while you behave as if it is your responsibility, you will place your family and your health at great risk.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Therapeutic Process |
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January 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
There are some things a person simply cannot do for or to another person, no matter how much commitment there is, how noble are the goals, how much effort or determination is involved, or how significant the need.
This is especially true when people are in love, a condition where people are most inclined to believe in their power to change another person.
It is impossible to make another person:
1. Be happy or fulfilled, angry, change, succeed or fail.
2. Become healthier. (This does not mean that two people cannot work toward their individual health together. It means that one person cannot make another person grow in any manner.)
3. Love you, want you, need you, miss you, or trust you.
4. Love, want, need, miss or be glad to see someone else.
5. See, feel or think in a certain manner for an enduring period.
6. See the light, or get some sense into their lives.
7. Lose or gain weight, save money, want or not want sex.
8. Use or stop using drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or bad language.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust |
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