January 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
I watch my two-year-old son bending at the hip, one foot raised and turning until he falls gloriously to the floor in convulsive laughter. A momentary pain lights somewhere so deep inside me I can hardly tell in which of my internal galaxies it sits. It is swift and pointed, like the touch of a darting and determined fly set loose in my emotional innards.
Then the pain is forgotten, swamped in the exceeding happiness of watching him attack life’s toddler challenges. He’s hungrily learning a language now, having conquered walking and running, and expressing his brand new heart sweetly in partial, ill-formed words and sentences which tumble, jumbled and joyed up all over the house.
Sometimes he runs, singing at the top of his voice like an emergency vehicle out of control. With siren blaring, he sprawls across the floor and careens into a heap of toddler chaos. Recovering, he mounts the coffee table against my flagging will and “hee haas” astride his horse, a precocious knowing smile flashing from his distant meadow.
In all of this activity and fun he eases his way further into my being, a steel pylon thrust securely into waiting, willing ground.
Rod’s road-post from DROID.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Living together, Parenting/Children, Single parenting |
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December 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am married to this wonderful wife for three years we have a daughter. Two months ago I met a beautiful woman and it took a week for us to establish a relationship. The problem is I have fallen in love with her. My wife found out about this. I can’t get her out of my mind. She is what I need. We were recently hi-jacked together and shot with bullets by thugs and we survived together. She makes me happy. My heart skips when I think about her. My wife has been a friend for more than ten years. I respect her but my new love makes my heart sing. I am afraid of the shame of divorcing. I don’t want my children raised by a stepfather. My wife is 7 months pregnant this makes it worse. It’s my happiness or my family’s happiness.” (Edited)
This is dangerous - don't do it!
a hi-jack and bullets (together) but it is your marriage that’s being hi-jacked. You are an adult, not an irresponsible teenager. She-who-makes-your-heart-sing should run a mile that you’d even contemplate leaving a pregnant wife and a child for her. Don’t do it. Instead, use this momentary diversion as an opportunity to grow up as both a man and husband.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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December 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Fully live (women, too!)
do not “allow” women to have a voice, make choices, speak up to husbands – having regularly addressed men and women from such cultures for years. I remain convinced that this robs said cultures of half of its creative capital.
Keeping women “down” must be consistently challenged. Thus my suggestion the woman in yesterday’s column (12-28-2010) define herself to her husband. Of course it flies in the face of many cultures – but if she is to give of her best to herself, her husband, to anyone, speaking up to all in her context is the place to start.
What can be so threatening for some men that some are terrified if women (whom they love) makes their full contribution?
Yes. It will more than ruffle the marriage. Rather a ruffled marriage than a life-time of control, submission, manipulation, leading to intimidation, then domination – not that all men in said cultures are this way at all.
If he really “treats her like a queen” he will also grow. If not, he will reject her; even leave her. At least she’d have expressed herself as a woman and be able to achieve, albeit at great cost, her selfhood as a woman and will have discovered she requires permission from no one to BE.
PS: I have delivered lectures in several Asian countries where it seems women are strongly discouraged from expressing their voices. While trying to be as culturally sensitive as possible, I did not water down my message at all and called on all men and all women to encourage all men and all women to find, express, and use their voices. While I have had some strong kick-backs (some rejection and exclusion) I have always been invited back. I’ve even asked leaders and organizers the reasons I am invited back despite my contrary message. I am told, “Yes. Your message is dangerous for us but we still need to hear it.”
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Meditation, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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December 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m in a love marriage (as opposed to arranged). When we were in love we used to talk about my parents. After our marriage he is treating my parents like slaves or enemies. Since it’s a love marriage I am not able to console my parents. He says my parents are playing a game with me, using me as a source for everything. This is not so. Now I hate my love. He takes care of me like a queen. He gets everything for my parents but he doesn’t want to see them. I don’t want any belongings from him for my parents. I want only his love for them or at least a relationship between them.” (Edited)
Speak up.....
(a) Love your parents AND your husband.
(b) Resist trying to get him to relate to your parents.
(c) Do not let him dictate your relationship with your parents any more than you try to dictate his relationship with your parents.
The sooner you find your voice (as opposed to obeying his) the more you will all be able to love and respect each other.
Defying him (to love your parents) will ultimately enhance, not ruin your marriage, even if at first, it seems to shake every foundation.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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December 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
That's what they do -- they seduce you away from your real life.....
They appear to offer better, more intense passion than the marriage. Hide and seek will do this, spawning the kind of relationship we wished was possible with a spouse. It’s amazing how “attractive” someone can sound, look and feel when you add large amounts of adrenalin. The secrecy idealizes the other, not love or truth. Deception, the “ducking and diving” past family can give vitality to the stolen hour.
What is so ridiculously seductive (and hurts so badly when the truth comes out) is the belief that affair is about you. Actually, it is about who you are not. It about what you do not represent. You are not the wife or husband; the “routine.” Your name is not the other name on the mortgage, you are not one who owns the other car in the garage. You are not the one whom the children sound like when they are at their worst (and best). It’s not your beauty. It is not your charm (although you might be both beautiful and charming). It is the difference from, the contrast with, what your affair knows. In his or her boredom and selfishness, you become so very appealing in the heat of it all. It’s the contrast he or she “loves.” The secrecy, the chase, the conniving makes it all so surreal and convincing and such a turn on. It is not you. It is not he or she who has met you here in this rendezvous, but the secret itself, the fact that you will share this secret, that’s lighting your fire.
The seductive thing is that for a period of time one or both of you actually believe in the affair as if it is a real and enduring relationship, able to offer you each something you really want. For a time you will give so unreservedly, so wildly, and be sucked in by passion. Every meeting will feel like you were meant for each other and that it is a cruel world forcing you apart. The really sad thing is that even your children will feel, to you, as if they are in the way, obstacles to your freedom, hindrances to your finding true love. When you are with your lover the first hours will slip past feeling like heaven. The approaching absences and those times when you are apart, will begin to fill with suspicion, heaviness and demands that come with cheating. You will think your love is cheating on you (even when with their spouse) every time the cell-phone is off, a call is not returned or a weekend happens without you. The moment the clandestine activity began with you, the scene was set for it to occur around you and to you. He or she who cheats on a spouse will most certainly think nothing of doing the same to you.
The affair itself, born in secrecy and lies, itself begins to lie, making the participants believe they have been short-changed, deceived in marriage and that a fling can offer what’s really wanted. It is not so. Affairs seduce the participants from what is real, what is important, what is enduring and significant. If I cannot talk to my wife, talking with someone who is not my wife (or who is someone’s wife) doesn’t help anything one iota. Learning to talk with my wife is where the real action is, it is not in talking with some other lost person looking for a temporary shelter from her own storm.
Affairs are always a poor substitute for a relationship. No matter how intense, how willing each person is, inevitable pain and suffering lies ahead for each person in the seductive cycle. If this is your dilemma break it off today. Go cold turkey. See a professional. Change locks. Change phone numbers. Quit your job if you have to. Run home to your parents! Get out of it. No, you do not owe him or her an explanation or closure. Everyone you love, or thought you loved, will be better off for it.
Copyright 2002, Rod Smith, MSMFT
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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December 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am so upset. My ex-husband gives lavish gifts to his new girlfriend and drops in for a few minutes and gives his children token presents and me nothing. My children saw all he was stacking away for her at their ‘Dad’s Christmas’ and then he tells them he can’t afford much this year because of the worldwide global economy crises. He’s like a little puppy around her. Around us he’s all gloomy and full of the woes of the world. Please help.”
Don't try to reason with him....
you want some tips to deal with your ex and your children in the aftermath of a divorce and in the apparent tidal wake of his new-found love. Your already know (or at least surely will be discovering) that you have no control over him.
If you had any (control), he’d still be with you.
The worldwide global economy crises takes years to hit new love – so resist trying to explain or understand the gaps in his reasoning.
Allow your children to ask their father their own questions. Expect no gifts from him.
Try not to access information from the children regarding his new love. Such information will not serve to empower you and nor are the details of his life any of your business.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children |
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December 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I found this morning’s column (December 22, 2010) very appropriate to my situation. I have had a strained relationship with a family member by marriage. We hardly have any contact now, and to be honest, I find that this works for me. Life seems less stressful than it used to be. I realise that I am doing exactly the opposite of what you suggest. The woman has been diagnosed a severe emotional and psychological condition and has been physically violent in the past if any of us ever stood up to her, and I do not want that again. Are there occasions where avoidance really is the best option?” (Edited)
Of course there are exceptions
– there usually are. No one is expected to reconcile (this is different from offering forgiveness) in any relationship where there has been violence of any kind (especially sexual).
I would suggest that what you have termed avoidance may be re-framed as being acts of both self-preservation and wisdom. A quick aside: remember that reconciliation takes at least two persons while forgiveness takes only one.
The Smiths (my sons Thulani and Nathanael and I) in cold and snowbound Indianapolis wish you an extravagant and safe Christmas.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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December 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
I hope you choose life.....
Untimely death is regarded as a chosen alternative to getting help with financial, addiction, relational, or chemical issues a person might experience.
If this is you, here are some thoughts to consider. I hope you will consider less dramatic, final alternatives.
Suicide is self-destruction. While family members will naturally ask what they could have done to prevent you from taking such action, your death will remain your responsibility. I’d suggest you seek the medical help even if it appears that no one cares if you live or die. At this point it is more important that you care.
Suicide is an ultimate act of prayer and freedom. While no one will be able to stop you in the event that a premature death is what you really want, there are more productive ways to engage the divine and make a statement to your survivors. There are ways to address and almost solve any problem anyone faces.
While your family and friends will reflect, mourn, and grieve over your loss they will ultimately conclude (it might take years) that you exercised your unique, terrible, human power. They will come to understand that no one can cause you to kill yourself or make you do it.
Given your freedom to choose death, I must believe there exists within you the ability to choose life – and I hope you do.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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December 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“In an article you wrote regarding a wife supporting her husband’s therapy with an addiction specialist for his (the husband’s) sporadic but serious bouts with alcohol, I was concerned that you didn’t mention Al-Anon to the wife. Wherever this person is living, there is an Al-Anon group.
“The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcohlics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
“Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organisation, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
“Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.”
Thanks for this reminder. I trust the woman who wrote the initial letter will see your wise suggestion.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Recovery, Responsive people |
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December 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
"Love you enemies" (Jesus)
, humane (able to be compassionate, to feel, think, plan, embrace your own pain and the pain of others) is a constant challenge in an environment that repeatedly attempts to dehumanize, objectify, and knock the humanity out of you.
Every murder, death of a child, every act of violence anywhere, ought to immobilize humanity, bring the world to its knees, ought to stop everything as we shudder at the ramifications of what we can do to each other. Every act of betrayal, act of gossip, act of physical and spiritual aggression ought to horrify us. But of course, through bitter, repeated experience, we become inured to all but the most immediate horror – that which impacts us very directly.
Yet, we are affected. We are all lessened by the moral chaos, terror, the violence, put-downs, rejections, rumors, gossip, thievery, and the evil that is rampant everywhere.
Yet the challenges of the Saints remain: do not return evil for evil; be generous in a world that is often not; be hospitable; do good to those who are not good. Love your enemies. No, not tolerate your enemies, love your enemies.
Trying to embody these humane values keeps us “foolish” and human.
Oh, what a joy results when our humanity prevails and rises above the conniving, the betrayal, the physical, emotional, and spiritual violence, the hardness, in our surroundings – each of which might just as easily consume us, render us inhumane.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Education, Faith, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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