April 3, 2011
by Rod Smith
How can you be a Christian AND promote the idea of growing your SELF?
Christians often have little idea of what it means to deny self or to die to self. There is apparently less understanding of what it means to love self and love others. The “mixed” message of “deny self” (a condition of discipleship / Mark 8:34, see also Luke 9:25 NIV) and “love self” (Jesus commanded “love others like you love yourself” in Mark 12:31), I agree, can be confusing.
Jesus did not mean we were to deny we have a self! He meant we were to deny serving the self we know, love, develop, and enjoy.
Conversion to Christianity does not mean your self disappears or that your self is something to be ignored. Conversion TRAINS and DEVELOPS the self to love and serve God.
At conversion the self gets a new perspective. It gets a new focus. At the Cross the SELF gets and a new reason to live. Conversion is the beginning of self-renewal. The self is offered to God as a gift for restoration, renewal, and service.
Rather than serving self, obeying self, and being self-centered and being self-indulgent, at CONVERSION the self decides to serve God and others. At conversion the self submits itself to God’s will, becomes focused on Who God is and What God wants.
Denial of self (as ordered by Jesus) is a person’s decision to refuse self-indulgence and to turn the self toward full service of God.
It takes a developing, growing, and healthy self to love and serve a healthy God.
A non-self, an ignored self, a self whose very existence is denied, cannot love anyone or anything, let alone love and serve a perfect God.
I believe Jesus meant we were to discover who we are, understand who we are, love who we are – while offering all of who we are unequivocally to God as an act of worship, service and sacrifice.
We are to offer ourselves to God as a living, growing sacrifice (Romans 12).
There is a huge difference between identifying and developing a self to serve God and living in the denial that we have a self at all.
Jesus was a SELF to be reckoned with – yet He was not selfish at all — be the same.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Grace |
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March 31, 2011
by Rod Smith
Edwin Friedman – a pioneer in family therapy, writer, teacher, and rabbi and who was trained by Murray Bowen who is considered the “father” of family therapy and “Bowen Theory” – wrote about helping couples to separate, establish space, maintain individuality and secure room to breathe and room to move in order to help the couple avoid radical separation (divorce) in their future. Friedman suggested sometimes couples were “too close” meaning that everything done one or both persons seemed to unsettle or rock the world of the other or both.
Identifying couples who are “fused” or who are too close:
1. Every thought, move, glance, blink of the eye, every gesture is interpreted to mean something by the other person and the meaning is usually negative.
2. Mind reading is at its most intense. What is damaging is that what is “read” or interpreted is believed as fact. “I know exactly what you are thinking when you look at me like that.”
3. There’s no room for change or growth because there’s no emotional “wiggle room.” If one person is convinced that he or she knows exactly what the other person will do and will think there is no room for anything new to occur.
I have named these writers to facilitate reading beyond this column.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Schnarch, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice |
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March 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
Good morning/evening, Rod
If you do find time to respond to this message I would be most grateful. If not, I understand. You must be inundated daily.
Your comment ‘Suicide is perhaps the strongest and most powerful form of prayer I have ever encountered’ is profound. It is a belief I share and I would welcome information as to its origin. Is it a personal philosophy or is there reading that would embellish?
It is a very brave thing to do ….juxtapose suicide and prayer and declare them compatible in pursuit of relief. I have been directly and intimately involved with the death of two 15-year-old boys … one my son and the other the son of a close friend who also hung himself five months later. The latter action I cannot for the life of me fathom, but in my search for understanding with my own child, I came to one conclusion that it was an act of bravery in pursuit of that which life could not offer. I do understand that viewed from another vantage point it could equally be regarded as an act of folly ie that something that ‘seems impossible’ need not necessarily be so.
Any available reading you could direct me to in this regard would be sincerely appreciated.
Tony
Durban
Dear Tony:
While it is true that I am inundated with mail I cannot move on without answering you directly. Your letter moved me. I was making my bed when the “ping” came through and I sat on the same bed and wondered at the pain you must endure in the light of your losses.
My own children are downstairs “fighting” over the remote for the TV and your letter made me so very grateful for their boyish squabbles.
I have been in the midst of several suicides and encountered it as a professional, a minister, a school counselor, and as a neighbor (I am – have been – all of the above).
I am sad and distressed when suicide is framed as a sin, a way out, or a cop out — this is not my understanding from many one-on-one encounters with desperate people. As for reading, I can offer none. Some of the bravest men and women I have ever known have been days from taking their own lives.
Your son and the other child to whom you refer, would have been embraced by me (a stranger to each) were they to have arrived at my door asking for absolutely anything. I would have given them each a home with full rights to the house and my life in every way – this I did already with my two children (adopted from birth).
If I, a sinful, lousy, struggling man could do this — how much more would a loving God not do the same.
Your boys are safe and happy and I believe they’d want you to miss them but to also be comforted.
Please let me know you got this – even if it is not what you expected. Keep in touch. I am not “brave” as you say. I am just sick of the BS people spew in the light of the pain others encounter when they, themselves, have only watched it all from a distance.
Keep in touch.
Rod
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship |
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March 29, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I struggle with what I told the little one’s in my family of the death of their young and vibrant ‘Aunt L.’ She had been really sick and took her own life in the end. I just could not tell these little one’s that she committed suicide – how would they understand, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years old. I just told them she got sick and she died – her body and her spirit were tired. I am so afraid of them finding out the truth one day. We all have continued to grieve our loss. All of the children attended the funeral and memorial services and we all take an active role in remembering her life. But how do you explain suicide of a very close loved one to a child?”
Your chidren will understand
Of course what you faced was difficult and, once the children are old enough to know the truth, I believe they will understand the reasons you have said what you have said. Suicide is perhaps the strongest and most powerful form of prayer I have ever encountered – giving ultimate relief in dying, what seemed impossible while living. “Aunt L”, I believe, has found in death what she could not find in life.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 23, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 22, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My sister and her husband constantly belittle our lives. We, my husband and I, are not as wealthy, we are not as successful in our careers, but at least we are 100% honest. While they are not blatantly dishonest they do make their living in questionable ways that and it pays them very well. The point is that my husband is now disinclined to spend time with my extended family. Do I speak up or just suffer in silence? Do I insist my husband joins me at family events or do I go alone and make an excuse for him?”
Suffer in silence? Never. Speak up? Of course you speak up. I’d suggest you gently tell both your sister and her husband (together) your truth. Tell them whether they are able to hear you or not. Since their “questionable” pursuits are none of your business, I’d suggest they are not worth mentioning.
Attend any family event you want whether your husband wants to go or not. Don’t push him. Don’t determine his level of involvement with your family or allow him to determine yours. If anyone wants to know where he is or why he is not with you suggest that person ask your husband his or her questions directly.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Triangles, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Should I leave? Should I stay? Should I tell her? Should I this? Should I that?
These questions flood my email, often hidden in letters loaded with painstaking details of hard, devastated lives depicting complex, entangled, situations.
They are the cries for a formula from desperate readers who want to know what is the right thing to do; men and women aching for some degree of happiness and fulfillment – often aching to do the right thing, especially for the children.
Often there are no right or wrong answers but more helpful or less helpful ways to respond to difficult situations.
How trumps what. It’s not whether a person should stay or go – it is HOW staying or going is done that will determine if the choice was a good choice or not.
Staying or going, respectful behavior, kindness, honoring others, even in the toughest circumstances will prove the decision to be helpful or unhelpful.
When going is the decision, everything, even divorce, child custody issues, financial settlements, can be expedited respectfully, kindly, and honorably.
How do I know? I’ve seen people handle these very issues with firmness, grace, and kindness – even in the midst of the pain accompanying all loss or change.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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March 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorce and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself, and the process of adjustment, all impact family members.
When divorce is regarded as a process, and not an event, the impact is likely to be somewhat eased.
Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children.
It is worthwhile noting that remaining (unhappily) married is often easier than becoming (happily) divorced.
Assuming no violence has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by the adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce :
1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis.
2. We are divorced but remain your parents.
3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.
4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding. (Ignore if not true).
5. We will always help and protect you and cooperate with each other concerning you.
6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will restore our marriage.
7. We will not destroy each other (verbally or in any manner) but will rather choose to honor and respect each other.
8. We will not use you as a go-between your parents, or as the rope in a tug-of-war, or as a commodity for child-support.
9. When you face inevitable choices, we will clearly communicate with you about your options. When this is impossible, we will tell you why it is impossible.
10. When choices cannot be made easier we will do all we can to make them clearer. We will honor and hear your voice in all choices pertaining to you and when and if it impossible to do so, we will let you know why. Hearing you (and each other) does not mean agreeing or giving you what you want. Divorce makes some things beyond the control of even the most loving and reasonable and powerful people.
11. We will support each others’ values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.
12. We both want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not mean you will fail at life.
13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about your family and about yourself.
14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate. Sometimes the divorce will feel more powerful than each of us alone and all of us together.
15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents. (Ignore if untrue. Let this be a goal).
16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life. Accepting and loving a stepparent will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person mother or father without our resistance.
17. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet to discuss matters relating to you.
18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.
19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people have had divorced parents and have made successes of their lives.
(One person commented: “If I we could have done all that we’d still be married.” I repeat, these are goals, broad ideas for which to strive to make into a reality.)
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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March 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My husband is a marriage and family therapist. We have been married almost 18 years. He told me this weekend that he had been miserable for the last 10-12 years of our marriage. I’ve been a nag, and I own that. When he calls home he talks to an angry wife/mother who never asked him about himself. I own that, too. He has always been faithful to our marriage vows, but he hasn’t forgiven me for my past mistakes. He says our marriage is 95% over. I asked him for a second chance to make things right, and he held my hand tenderly and said, ‘it’s not going to be easy. I can’t go through that again.’ Instead of saying, ‘I wouldn’t want to go through that again either,’ I said, ‘you won’t have to.’ Wrong answer! He moved to a new place without us. Emotions have been wrecked. I have been insensitive and inattentive to him and his needs, and I want to make amends. How do I start?”
As always – get your focus off him, off the marriage, and onto retrieving your life. This means building a life worth living as if you were single. You might never get back your marriage, but you will find a future worthy of living.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory |
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March 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I divorced my control-freak husband. Then I fell in love with a single guy who broke up with me. I used a gym membership to come out of depression. After six months I started looking quite attractive and single and married men started hitting on me. Married men hitting on me disgusted me. I vowed I would never break a relationship. Dozens of men swarmed around me. I went to a party and met this very interesting guy. He was showing interest and I felt great. He told me he is married. The next day he emailed me and I could not control myself and replied. He was forced to marry at 23. I was very attracted after being celibate for 9 months. We agreed that there is no future. He will never divorce. We decided to keep it on an emotional level as friends.” (Edited)
Get a life BEFORE you get a man
to the idea that your entire value is found in being attractive and having a man. You will therefore attract men who are equally plagued by the idea that meaning is only found in “having” a woman. Until you discover an internally sustained, unique, and personal calling, the moving targets (the men who swarm around you) and authentic fulfillment will constantly elude you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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