May 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am getting married to a woman whose ex-husband treats me like dirt. He comes into her house unannounced (she unlocks the when she knows he is close to the house) to pick up their son (9) and totally ignores me. Now he’s told the child to phone him whenever the son thinks his mother and “her new boyfriend” argue. My girlfriend is afraid to take a stand because tension upsets the child. In the meantime I am left watching all this like a silent bystander. I can’t comment because that too will upset the son. I am not sure I can live like this. Something has to change. Please help. (Situation reconstructured)
Rod’s response: You are right. Something has to begin to change or you will find yourself in a horrible bind. I’d suggest you request a meeting with the ex-husband to discuss these matters. He must have some redeeming qualities since you have both loved the same woman.
Assuming he wants the very best for his son, one could hope he’d want a discussion with his son’s new step-dad. Call me naïve, but I think it is worth a try. You will be treated like dirt if you yourself refuse to talk up for yourself and allow people to walk all over you.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
May 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (20s) is “seeing” a man who employed her for years. He is my age. He just left his third wife and is public about his relationship with my daughter. I know she is old enough to date whomever she wants but this doesn’t seem right to her father or me. Please advise.
Rod’s Response: The man is a predator but neither party in this destructive dance is likely to see this until matters go awry. I’d suggest you call him to a meeting where both parents address your concerns. I’d suggest you place a tape recorder in the middle of the meeting.
Tell him:
1. You are fully aware that your daughter, an adult, can date whomever she pleases.
2. The power differences make it an unequal playing field for your daughter. He employed her, and he is old enough to be her dad. These two factors mean it can never be a mutual and respectful relationship.
3. He has a very poor track record with commitment and you are sadly observing your daughter become another of his victims.
4. You will love and support your daughter even if at this stage of her life she is blinded by his over-powering attention.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
5 Comments »
May 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: I am living with a man who has a teenage daughter (15) who is so against me I can hardly stand it. She does everything she can to undermine our relationship and she has a mouth like a sewer. The child was not living with us until she had problems with her mother and they decided she needed to live with her father. This has made my life quite uncomfortable and he will not tell her she should treat me with respect. Please help.
Rod’s Response: I’d suggest you never tolerate or embrace poor manners from anyone and so I’d suggest you move out. It is unlikely you will make much headway if you try to insist the father stand up to his daughter or if you make him choose between the two (or three if you count his ex-wife) women in his sad life. Finding alternative living circumstances on your part will allow the family issues, which precede you by many years, to play themselves out to their inevitable conclusion. This is not giving up, or giving in, it is simply the early realization that you are taking on a battle you will ultimately lose.
Posted in Attraction, Step parenting, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice |
12 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me last night that he is not in love with me anymore. I am completely shattered. I knew we had problems and we had decided to seek therapy but the last thing I expected was the love bomb. He thinks it cannot be fixed. I had to convince him to try therapy. He is willing to try but I can see that he does not have much hope in it. I am so scared it is too late and that by going to therapy I am putting false hope into our marriage. I do not know what to do and feel like my whole world just collapsed on me.” (Edited to 200 words)
USA
You are placing a lot of faith in the power of therapy! Couple’s therapy is most effective when both people are motivated. Before you rush off to a therapist, appreciate that this a very new development in your marriage. Take some time to let the news sink in before you act. While it is true that you are feeling devastated, it is your husband who has to soul search about what he wants.
Trying to impress your husband with your love for him will only serve to distort who you really are and probably serve to push him further away.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
92 Comments »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
When your child (13 to 15) becomes involved in his/her first romantic attachment, with a person of similar age, please remember:
1. The experience is authentic for your child, and, while you might consider it “puppy love” the relationship ought to be given due respect.
2. If you trivialize his or her experience by your words or your deeds (make jokes about it) your child will probably go into hiding about what he or she is experiencing. This will put you “out of the loop” completely.
3. Embrace your child’s romantic interests, and be willing to talk about them to the degree to which your child seems willing to talk.
4. It is quite common for a child to become very focused on the whereabouts and activities of the person of his or her romantic interest. If you allow no contact (by phone or Email) you are likely to drive the relationship underground, and therefore be teaching your child to conduct a most important part of his or her life in secret.
Evaluate your resistance to your son or daughter falling in love:
What is it that you fear?
Are your fears related to your own experience as a younger person?
Is your response reasonable or loaded with your own unresolved baggage?
Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
2 Comments »
April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
1 Comment »
March 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Whenever my girlfriend gets upset she throws tantrums – which I find to be an interesting tactic. I’ve started treating my girlfriend’s behavior with as if she is was a young toddler, so I ignore her tantrums and don’t let her get her own way. Most people give up tantrums by at least the age of 14! I’ve also started editing what I say because almost everything, and anything, I say can end with an emotional explosion. I didn’t even speak today because I was scared to be verbally attacked. I think she needs a psychiatrist urgently! Does this sound like bullying (or should she be) a mental patient? Her dad threatened to beat me up too. ALL the women in the family are divorced! Warning bells: RING-A-LING-A-LING! What is really irritating is that she spouts about being compassionate and talks of “unconditional love.” I think she has a slight distortion of reality!”
Call me... 317 694 8669 (USA)
: people are often attracted to persons who are at similar levels of emotional development. Are you a toddler too? Now that you have attempted to assess the mental health of your girlfriend, you might take some time to assess the status of your own mental health. Being so focused on her instabilities appears to blind you to your own.
Posted in Attraction |
10 Comments »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
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