My daughter is seeing a man who employed her…

by Rod Smith

My daughter (20s) is “seeing” a man who employed her for years. He is my age. He just left his third wife and is public about his relationship with my daughter. I know she is old enough to date whomever she wants but this doesn’t seem right to her father or me. Please advise.

Rod’s Response: The man is a predator but neither party in this destructive dance is likely to see this until matters go awry. I’d suggest you call him to a meeting where both parents address your concerns. I’d suggest you place a tape recorder in the middle of the meeting.

Tell him:

1. You are fully aware that your daughter, an adult, can date whomever she pleases.
2. The power differences make it an unequal playing field for your daughter. He employed her, and he is old enough to be her dad. These two factors mean it can never be a mutual and respectful relationship.
3. He has a very poor track record with commitment and you are sadly observing your daughter become another of his victims.
4. You will love and support your daughter even if at this stage of her life she is blinded by his over-powering attention.

5 Comments to “My daughter is seeing a man who employed her…”

  1. Was there more to the letter than what is shown here? How did you get to the conclusion that he is a predator? Perhaps the man is 45 and the daughter is 25. Is that so wrong? I don’t think that’s predatory. Please elaborate.

  2. Third marriage! Seeing a woman who could be his daughter! Employed her for years! There is no chance for equality here….. the power differences are huge….. she enters this “relationship” with none of his wider experience…. sounds like love?

    He is using his position and power (probably unknowingly) to get what he wants….. a loving and kind man would tell himself to love her enough to leave her alone so she can find an equal and mutual and respectful relationship…. While she is an adult and she can date whomever she wants to date, it is he who weilds all the power (with her complicity).

  3. Rod,
    Interesting situation. Although your assumptions are probably very good, they are still assumptions. Heavenandheck does ask a valid question. It is true, based on what you know, this does not sound like something that would work. The key is to help the daughter to understand that it is not likely that this will turn into a long term relationship. She may be fine with that. Who knows, she could be using him as much as he could be using her.

  4. I am seventeen and i’m in love with a 43 year old. I don’t know what to do about it. please give me some advice.

  5. Dear Chelsea:

    Thanks for writing. Please let me know more. If this is a so-called crush, it is one thing. If it is an intimate relationship it is another, and, depending on where you are in the world, illegal.

    Either way, this is not something to take lightly. I hope you will write and offer more information.

    A twenty-six year age difference would be somewhat understandable if you met this man when you were already in your forties or fifties and each of you had lost a spouse. While you are yet a child, this relationship offers you nothing good or worth having. In the presence of a witness, sever all ties and run in the other direction. A man who is more than twice your age and who displays romantic interest in you is a man with no integrity.

    Rod Smith

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