Archive for May 1st, 2007

May 1, 2007

My husband was seeing another woman even while I was pregnant…

by Rod Smith

Reader: I have discovered my husband has been phoning and seeing another woman and was even on the phone to her while I was giving birth to our second child. Now that I have asked him to leave and now that I have all the phone records, I see this has been going on for about six months. The strange thing is that his family now sees him as the victim and I am seen as the selfish one because he is not living with his children. Am I going crazy or I am right in standing my ground even after a new baby has come into our lives? I don’t want to be in second place to any woman even if he says that no physical stuff has happened between him and this other woman. Please help.

Rod’s Response: I’d encourage you to seek face-to-face professional help. This immediate situation (his attachment to another woman, your wanting him to leave, his family seeing him as the victim) has to have a context in which all these sad and hurtful events have occurred.

Before you file for divorce I’d suggest a series of strong encounters with a courageous therapist will help you both discover whether this marriage can survive this trauma or not.

May 1, 2007

My son died and I promised to be at his side……. Now I am filled with guilt…..

by Rod Smith

Reader: My adult son died 9 years ago. I had promised to stay at his side. The day he died, we had a lovely day, chatting, laughing at things on TV, and just being quiet. By evening I was so exhausted that I told him I was going home and would see him in the morning. The nurse phoned later and said things weren’t too good and that I should come. I raced to him to find that he had already passed away. I’ve been tormented with guilt ever since. I’ve tried to let go, reminding myself that we had a wonderful relationship and that he would forgive me, but I still feel I let him down badly. I feel that I was being selfish by choosing to go home instead of staying. (Letter edited)

Rod’s Reply: First: Write your son a letter updating him on all that has transpired over the past 9 years.

Second: Read the letter to a group of people who also loved him.

Third: I challenge you to allow your anguish to end. If 9 years are not enough, how many years do you need to beat yourself up about wanting rest?

The highest tribute you could pay his shortened life would be to live your own as fully as possible.

May 1, 2007

My husband told me last night that he did not love me anymore…

by Rod Smith

“My husband told me last night that he is not in love with me anymore. I am completely shattered. I knew we had problems and we had decided to seek therapy but the last thing I expected was the love bomb. He thinks it cannot be fixed. I had to convince him to try therapy. He is willing to try but I can see that he does not have much hope in it. I am so scared it is too late and that by going to therapy I am putting false hope into our marriage. I do not know what to do and feel like my whole world just collapsed on me.” (Edited to 200 words)

USA

USA

You are placing a lot of faith in the power of therapy! Couple’s therapy is most effective when both people are motivated. Before you rush off to a therapist, appreciate that this a very new development in your marriage. Take some time to let the news sink in before you act. While it is true that you are feeling devastated, it is your husband who has to soul search about what he wants.

Trying to impress your husband with your love for him will only serve to distort who you really are and probably serve to push him further away.