March 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: Mine is an action-packed story of a marriage of 30 years. It has yielded wonderful children and grand children. Outwardly we are a normal, peaceful family. However, unnoticed by all, was an unfortunate and stressful issue of a wife, who experienced a hormone imbalance issue, which culminated her entertaining several extra marital affairs. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these actions were more an issue of once-off gratification.The mental trauma was indeed very difficult to bear, but some how, for the sake of family unity, all was put to rest and never discussed. I’m finding this whole issue extremely stressful and uncomfortable thoughts of the past flash through my mind. I am finding that my thoughts appear to be sparked off by the lack of an active sex life. At this stage in life, these pleasures of life have dried up for me. Was it my fault? Is it too late for me to get this relationship back on the high road?
ROD’S REPLY: Your moving letter suggests there is much hope for you. In the same manner as I have recruited local experts in areas of teen-suicide, drug addiction and other human maladies, I hereby request a local sex therapist to contact me, that I might put the reader in touch with face-to-face professional help.
For further and excellent reading on love and marriage and relationships in general go to www.lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery |
2 Comments »
March 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me two weeks ago he likes a new woman at work. Since then his emotional affair has gotten worse. I caught her text messaging with inappropriate statements. Despite all of the shock I will give him an ultimatum tonight. Either he completely cuts off this relationship and commits fully to our marriage or he can leave the house until he is ready to make that commitment.
“Although I have not known about the affair for very long, I refuse to be nice and understanding. Doing that is not true to who I am or what I deserve. I am petrified. I am young (26) and am finishing a graduate degree. My biggest fear is that he is not going to be the husband I deserve. That would hurt the most.
“I never saw this situation coming. However, I have finally accepted that I need to take care of myself. I have the right to demand my husband gives me a clear indication of where his commitment lies. It is not fair for me to be in limbo and give him power and control. I am going to shift the power back to me so that I can move on while he figures out his role in the marriage. I no longer willing to be a victim.”
(Edited to 200 words)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER: I read your column about “Women Who Lose Themselves In Relationships” and I do not agree with you. I am dating a man who is coming who is out of a marriage. He lacks any sense of who he is. Obviously his state is fluid and therefore I have been empathetic. I have been encouraging him to rebuild a life finding and developing new friendships, interests, hobbies, and just to take time alone. I have found myself being too empathetic, and losing myself in the drama of his impending divorce. I am a very independent person, however do have a nurturing side. My problem is not the lack of my own life, but it has been allowing this man to depend on me too much for ‘his life’. (Edited)
ROD RESPONDS: While each of you may feel you are being very helpful and empathetic – in the face of his many needs – you are still mothering a man who is not your child. Your “empathy” will short-circuit his necessary and solitary journey, toward or away from his wife. Men (and women) who are “coming out of a marriage” are not healthy material for deep relationships. Please don’t assume “nurturing” requires some degree of dependency. You are being sucked into a situation it is likely you will regret.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Divorce, Recovery, Triggers, Victims |
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February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
Notes from a conversation…
“I read and hear a lot of warnings to young men about how to behave with and respect women. I see almost nothing about how young men can also be hurt by women who almost always seem to cast themselves as the victims,” says David (26)
“Tell me more,” I respond.
“More than once I have dated a woman and been very honest and very faithful – while the woman I am seeing is cheating on me behind my back. Then, when it comes out, she assumes a kind of ‘victim mode’ where the man was predatory and she did not know what to do. Then I find out it is not the first time.”
“Why do you think this is not addressed, David?”
“Because it is not cool or manly to admit you have been hurt by a woman. It is not manly to say you were a victim and innocent and felt a lot of pain from what your girlfriend did to you. I wish someone would write and speak about how young men feel after they have been hurt by a woman when they have been innocent and trying to do the right thing.”
(Reconstructed with permission).
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Forgiveness, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
1 Comment »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: “I have an unusual question. My husband of some 30 years never calls me by anything – other husbands either call their wives by their first names or they use terms like ‘honey.’ If I am wanted on the phone, he will just say, ‘It’s for you.’ Is there any deep psychological reason why he never calls me anything? I find when friends say, ‘Beth, will you etc…,” it makes me feel warm towards them. I call him by his name. Obviously, there are other issues in the marriage. I was curious to know about this particular one.”
ROD’S RESPONSE: I am sure there are mental health professional who will “unpack” or interpret your husband’s behavior and what it might have been that has led you to be nameless in the eyes of your closest companion. I’d tend to ask you what it is about you that you have permitted yourself to be nameless for so long!
Ask your husband to call you by name and ignore him when he talks to you as if you do not have one.
Enabled behaviors tend to persist. Be nice about it and simply tell him what you’d prefer. I’d take this route before I’d suggest you go on a hunt through his potentially fragile inner-being.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)
Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice |
38 Comments »
January 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
..who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.
..who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, or in taking care of her family, but who is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.
..who does not allow herself to be taken for granted, to be sworn at, to be victimized by anyone, not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or parents.
..who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation and whose relationships are therefore pure and open.
..who is able to articulate her deepest dreams, desires, and fears to those whom she loves, without fearing a response of indifference or rejection.
..who, in the midst of the pressures of work, motherhood and marriage, maintains her unique and powerful voice.
Posted in Attraction, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Jack, who has never married, is dating Jill, someone who almost ten years his senior and twice divorced. Jill has three teenage children, who live with their father, but whom she sees often, yet unpredictably. Jack has no children but finds Jill’s children to be intelligent but headstrong. Jill’s in excessive debt. Jack is very solvent. Jill drinks a little too much, which Jack finds disarming. Jill is somewhat hard when she expressing herself, sounding cynical about marriage and love. Jack interprets this as her being neither hard, nor bitter, but hurt and insightful. When Jack’s family point out the very stark contrasts between their lives, and caution him about this relationship, he becomes defensive and claims the cliché “opposites attract.”
Jack and Jill appear blinded by love and deaf to reason. While this relationship may be a relationship made in heaven, their blindness to the stark contrasts between their lives as potential for minefields of problems, makes them each sitting targets for many difficulties. The blindness of their love drains all perspective, and neither is compelled to do what is required to love first him or herself more fully, in order that each can love the other in a manner that serves them both well.
Posted in Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Triggers, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
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