January 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
Posted in Attraction, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Listening, Love |
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December 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband says he doesn’t love me during a heated argument argument and then he later retracts it. I walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then I begin to reflect on our 21-year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.” (Minimally edited for clarity)
“Least said, soonest mended” is the wise adage. If your husband could learn to contain his angry words a little, and you learned to believe him a little less when he is in such a state, you’d both have a chance to grow into the kind of “great-love” experience you have tucked somewhere in your dreams.
Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It really is the most perfect book for people who want more from marriage and life. A business man recently thanked me for suggesting he read the Schnarch book. “Finally a book about relationships an engineer can love!” he said.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Listening, Marriage |
1 Comment »
December 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?
Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.
I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.
Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Re-marriage, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
5 Comments »
November 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I love my sometimes- abusive boyfriend very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step. I still deeply love him. He won’t get help for his problems because he doesn’t understand he has an illness. The illness prevents from seeing it. It’s circular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the enemy? How can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see that they have a problem? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help. No one can force it. ‘Sorry’ is are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help?” (Letter edited)
Rod Response:
At some point you have to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship will destroy you. How will I ever get you to see this?
Focus on your health and not on his. This is not selfish, it is wise.
Believe it or not, there are more important things than love. Your survival is one of them.
Something is deeply amiss when your love is so compelling it is self-destructive.
This is, of course, when is ceases to be love.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
November 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am involved with a woman I have known since our early teens. She was married and got divorced. She has two children and I love them all very much. My relationships (with them) are fine but I feel great insecurity about her ex-husband. I tell myself that I must be better and bigger. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to make the feelings go away? What can my partner do to help?” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: Insecurity is both pervasive and generic. It will rear its head whenever its host is threatened or challenged. I’d guess you’ve had similar feelings stirring within you long before you became romantically involved.
Your partner can do nothing since your feelings are your business. Don’t try to make them her business. This is not about her ex-husband.
While you compete with her former husband, your new family (if you marry) will not know you for who you are. I challenge you to establish your unique approach to love and parenting without reference to the man with whom you may share parenting responsibilities.
Your feelings will not go away until you appreciate your unique contribution to the children and their mother, a role which, at its best, will compliment the ex-husband’s role with his children.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather |
1 Comment »
November 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My father cut out your article about dating a divorced person. I have been divorced for a little over a year and have met a ‘soon-to-be-divorced’ man. To be honest I have to admit many of the points struck home. I already have a bump on my head from my first marriage. I don’t have any space on my forehead for new bumps!”
A fulfilling relationship must be based on integrity. He is a married man, legally bound to another woman. Your presence in his life, no matter the condition of his marriage, will hinder that family as they try to save their marriage or get it amicably dissolved.
I’d suggest you terminate your affair until he has his legal affairs in order and then had a year being single. While he is yet married, and willing to see you, neither of you is serving your long-term wellness, well.
Innocent love, in itself, will give you bumps on the forehead. Knowingly entering an illicit affair makes you a willing target.
After you’ve let Mr-Soon-To-Be-Divorced know exactly where he stands, take your caring father to lunch. There are few better ways to ease the wounds on an aching forehead than to have lunch with a caring dad.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Love |
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October 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
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The former marriage has been amicably settled, and at least a full year has passed after the divorce has been final.
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He/she takes appropriate responsibility for the breakdown of the former marriage.
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He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before he/she wants to become sexually involved with any one person.
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He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives, and is paying his/her share of child support.
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He/she places a very high priority on rearing his/her own children, while at the same time is respectful of your children and your relationship with your children.
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He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
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He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, and the opposite sex, despite the breakdown of a previous marriage.
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He/she is not threatened by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
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He/she has deep regard for the process involved in establishing relationships, and is willing to take time to allow intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Divorce, Re-marriage |
3 Comments »
October 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
In relationships:
Toxic patterns, abuse, excessive use of alcohol, lying, anger, jealousy, infidelity, to name a few, seldom improve without intervention, but will only increase in intensity, without some form of disruption. Unless toxic, or destructive patterns are addressed, they will only grow.
Self-definition, being willing to declare who and what you are, and what you want from a relationship, will be a healthy exercise even if, at first, such action seems fraught with potential to ruin a relationship. Any relationship that demands a person “tone down” who and what they are, is probably not a healthy one.
Forgiveness is not based on who is wrong or right. The stronger partner, or the one with the insight that forgiveness is necessary, is the one who takes the initiative toward forgiving. Problems arise when one partner is always expected to be the one initiating forgiveness. In this case, a relationship is lacking equality, mutuality, and respect: something deeper is amiss.
Regular sexual activity is a vital part of any marriage, well beyond childbearing years, and ought to be as important to both persons, and as central to both persons as are the mutual planning of finances, the mutual support of the children’s education and as important for a couple as regular worship at church, temple or synagogue.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Trust |
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October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
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