January 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
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“She dresses for herself, not me. She wears what makes her comfortable. My happiness, contentment, and comfort levels are not so fragile that her clothes disturb my peace of mind,” he said.
“We both, almost equally, initiate sex. We talk about it very openly. We talk about sex whenever it is necessary, and we talk while we engaged in sex. Each of us can freely express exactly what we each need,” she said about their sex life.
“Body language is, of course, important, but the spoken word is more precise and less open to misinterpretation. Talk is primary. We don’t expect to look into each other’s heads and hearts or to decipher body language in order to communicate. When I think her non-verbal messages contradict her spoken words I ask for greater clarity. She does the same when my words and my actions are incongruent,” he said about “communication” issues.
“We both brought unfinished business into this relationship. We’ve both been hurt, treated unfairly, used – and we’ve done the same to others. Our task is to not visit this relationship with former conflicts. Of course it’s difficult,” she said.
“But when was love easy?” they asked in unison.
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January 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Everything was going well with a man I love. We had a child and were so happy. We were planning to move to another city because of the economy so I packed and went to live with my parents because he said we were going to save. After I left I tried phoning him but he did not want to talk. Finally he said he did not love me anymore. After two months I found there was another person. It was my friend’s sister who I had invited to my son’s birthday party. She was already living in the home I had left. I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once. I am hurting and I don’t know what is going to happen next. He tells me he left because I did not cook or clean much. I don’t know if he will ever come back because physically she is better than me. Do you have any comment?”
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You’ve loved a deceitful, irresponsible man who has moved on to his next victim. As tough as it is, I’d suggest you to take your future into your own hands and do what you can for you and your children.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, High maintenance relationships |
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January 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”
You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.
I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication |
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December 22, 2008
by Rod Smith
“As I write my girlfriend is on holiday with her two daughters and her ex-husband. She planned the trip to be with just the girls and when they went to pick up something from his house he was already packed and asked to leave with them. Not wanting to cause a fight in front of the girls, she said it was fine, and they left together. They are away now. She tells me she has no feelings for him and she wishes I were there instead. She wants to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the girls. I will pray to God and let Him guide me as He always has. If she is truthful, then everything is fine. In my gut, I know that boundaries take time to establish themselves. I have been trying to take my mom’s advice, “Get to know her, focus on yourself.” I feel at peace. We are neither married, nor engaged. We can change our minds at anytime. If I find that she has lied, or is untrustworthy in anyway, I will move on, having conducted myself in a kind, and unselfish way.”
I love your mother’s advice. Such thinking will save you a lot of pain and avert a lot of damaging anger.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships |
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August 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Please, wake up and smell the coffee before you get burned. Your present relationship is based on cheating and delusion all round and it can only end in hurt. The man is a cheat: cheating on his wife and family, he’s cheating you out of weekends, holidays, and other more fulfilling interests and relationships as you hang around “in case” he calls. He’s also cheating himself. Divorce, broken homes and devastated kids who’ve gone off the rails when mom and dad split, don’t make for much happiness.
“Furthermore, the forbidden fruit tastes so sweet now in its early bloom has a nasty habit of leaving a very bitter after-taste when the relationship crashes. Most married men don’t leave home for the ‘other woman.’ Come on – is this what you want out of life? I hope that you’ll realise that you don’t deserve to be fitted in when he can sneak away from family commitments.
“You are in my thoughts and, though we’ll never meet, I’ll be praying that you find a good, solid, lasting, fulfilling relationship with a man you prizes you for your lovely self and has no other hidden agendas in his life.” (Shortened)
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June 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
A READER WRITES….
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“I’ve just ended a 6 year affair with a married man. I lost my husband tragically the year before I met ‘V’. He befriended me and made me feel ‘whole’ again and about 6 months down the line, the affair started. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years – there were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about, the sex was unbelievable and after a while, we became soul-mates.
“The world couldn’t have been a better place. I was so in love with him and seemingly he was with me. He told me he never slept with his wife, that she was not ‘interested’ and in the last year, he told me that they had separated when he bought her a home at the coast. This was a good sign, I thought, and he would be on his way to divorce his wife finally.
“My pain and hurt of being betrayed and used all these years. I’m very angry with him because when it came to the crunch, when I kept on confronting him about the divorce, he kept on telling me he was on the verge of doing it. I finally ended it last week – I’m devastated but I know I did the right thing. All those years of waiting for a text message or a phone call or a visit from him – all those Saturday nights, Christmases and special holidays sitting at home tormenting myself because he was at home with his wife and family. He was a good liar – convinced me of so many things, made promises every day, told me he loved me every day of the 6 years I was in the relationship with him.
“I phoned his wife eventually and told her – she was shocked to hear that her hubby would even be capable of having an affair and then I realised that all he had told me was in fact a huge lie. If I could give anyone any advice, is stay away from married men – it only leads to huge pain for everyone involved. Whilst you are in the middle of the affair, it’s seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is! I’m very sad about the loss of a love that I had – I was in love with someone who turned out to be a charlatan, a deceitful, compulsive liar. I’m going to get back on my feet and start to live my life, stop wasting my precious hours and days crying over a man who has hurt me so much.”
Posted in Affairs, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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April 3, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I have left my husband for another man and I worked so very hard to start a new life with him. It is not easy at all. I ended up more alone than before and was fueled with anxiety and had to take medication. I lost interest in everything just about because I loved this man so much. He is now drifting away from me and I am alone. My marriage is over and I am about to lose my children because of what I have done. I loved this ‘other’ man much more then he loved me and now I feel the effects. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love some one so much when you cannot fully have them.” (Minimal edits)
Your heart has deceived you and resulted in enormous consequences for you and your family. I repeat: extramarital affairs are seductive – seducing participants from the real issues within the marriage and resulting in a new relationship destined to be flawed. The impulse for an affair (need this be said?) is a strong signal that the marriage, not the third party, requires attention.
Posted in Affairs |
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April 2, 2008
by Rod Smith
I frequently get letters from women who cannot seem to forgive a husband or partner’s unfaithfulness. “Even though it was 10 years ago and I have said I forgive him, it still haunts me,” writes one person. “He expects me to just get over it as if it is no real issue at all,” writes another. “He rolls his eyes at me, he sighs, as if it is my issue – and HE was the one who cheated!”
Infidelity violates sacred trust, and, while most relationships are resilient, and can survive much stress and trauma, infidelity often serves the deathblow to all vibrancy in the marriage (even if a couple stays married for years after the ending of an affair) for it undercuts the very humanity of the partner who has offered her mind, her soul, her spirit and her body in loving and appropriate abandon.
Posted in Affairs |
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March 2, 2008
by Rod Smith
“An affair usually brings about massive hurt and pain to both spouses. I had an affair when my marriage was floundering. She switched my lights back on. I felt alive. Then the reality sunk in. We were both married. This was wrong. Whilst I was ready to leave my wife for this person, and a new, happier life, I remembered also that I’d made a vow. My wife told me that she loved me though she felt hurt and angry. This brought me misery and confusion. I knew that I had no option but to do something about my marriage. We struggled for a while, and then attended the Retrouvaille Marriage Program. I cut off all contact with my girlfriend because there was no choice if I was going to put my values above self-interest. I had done wrong and had to accept responsibility. I learnt that Love is a Decision and not a feeling. I decided to love. It meant having to help my wife deal with her pain by affirming her, letting her talk about her feelings. I learnt how to trust her with my feelings and accept hers without becoming defensive. Our love today shines brighter than it ever did, including when we were just married.” (Edited to 200 words)
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February 26, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I cannot seem to break free of the memories I have when my wife was unfaithful to me. We have talked about it constantly and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me for my anger. Yet, although it was quite a few years ago, it still niggles at me. Please help.”
Sometimes you have to let things go. I know someone’s going to send me an aggressive letter letting me I don’t understand and that it is not that easy to forget and so forth, but since you have both expressed sorrow, and each has offered forgiveness, and since much time has passed, and since the clock cannot be turned back – it is time to let it go!
It might be helpful to consider your wife’s unfaithfulness, not as something directed at you, but something she chose to do to herself. When a partner blames him or herself for the unfaithfulness of the spouse, this is not only harder to overcome, but grossly inaccurate thinking.
No matter what the circumstances, the one who chooses to be unfaithful is the one who must assume the responsibility for the unfaithfulness. No matter what the greater issues are in the marriage, cheating will not be a helpful option.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Voice |
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