I had an affair with a married man…..

by Rod Smith

A READER WRITES….

Thanks for writing...

Thanks for writing...

“I’ve just ended a 6 year affair with a married man. I lost my husband tragically the year before I met ‘V’. He befriended me and made me feel ‘whole’ again and about 6 months down the line, the affair started. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years – there were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about, the sex was unbelievable and after a while, we became soul-mates.

“The world couldn’t have been a better place. I was so in love with him and seemingly he was with me. He told me he never slept with his wife, that she was not ‘interested’ and in the last year, he told me that they had separated when he bought her a home at the coast. This was a good sign, I thought, and he would be on his way to divorce his wife finally.

“My pain and hurt of being betrayed and used all these years. I’m very angry with him because when it came to the crunch, when I kept on confronting him about the divorce, he kept on telling me he was on the verge of doing it. I finally ended it last week – I’m devastated but I know I did the right thing. All those years of waiting for a text message or a phone call or a visit from him – all those Saturday nights, Christmases and special holidays sitting at home tormenting myself because he was at home with his wife and family. He was a good liar – convinced me of so many things, made promises every day, told me he loved me every day of the 6 years I was in the relationship with him.

“I phoned his wife eventually and told her – she was shocked to hear that her hubby would even be capable of having an affair and then I realised that all he had told me was in fact a huge lie. If I could give anyone any advice, is stay away from married men – it only leads to huge pain for everyone involved. Whilst you are in the middle of the affair, it’s seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is! I’m very sad about the loss of a love that I had – I was in love with someone who turned out to be a charlatan, a deceitful, compulsive liar. I’m going to get back on my feet and start to live my life, stop wasting my precious hours and days crying over a man who has hurt me so much.”

80 Comments to “I had an affair with a married man…..”

  1. I think Tina’s advice to stay away from married men is good.. but I would add stay away from the wives of married men! Why would you phone her? Personally I think that was really wrong and self serving. You were dating a married man.. was it really such a shock to find out he was a liar? A married man having an affair is by definition a liar! He lies to his wife and children every single day! Try to remember that you are not the injured party here. I can’t understand why anyone would waste years and years of their life on someone who is unavailable to them.

    Above comment from:

    http://www.lisamm.wordpress.com

  2. Hi Rod,

    I felt a need to respond to this woman’s letter as someone who has been on the other end of one of the said scenarios, and who also has friends who unfortunately have been in the same position but with a very different outcome to mine..

    I’m a reborn Christian, so understand that my view on having affairs with married men may be somewhat different to someone who is not a Christian.

    My husband had a 3year affair with his secretary- so cliché, who also happened to be 16 years his junior and living at home with a step dad she did not get on with. I would imagine her main objective was to escape that set up as well as get herself into the comfortable position of living in a beautiful home, a very different way of life with the accompanying holidays we have the privilege of enjoying. She obviously made it clear to all, very often, that her love for him was complete, undying and they belonged together- like I’m sure all these woman say.

    She had the most incredible Jezebel spirit using the new technology of cell phones with utmost efficiency to harass me and make my life as miserable as possible, telling me all the gory details of their goings on, at all hours of the day and night. If I turned my cell phone off at night, she would phone my land line and wake my 2 young daughters up- she even went to the extent of stealing my treasured Siamese cat- which I have never seen again. She insisted to me on several occasions that leaving my husband would be the best thing I could do for all parties involved, etc. etc. etc. I’m sure you’ve heard them all so I won’t go on and on about her antics, but my point is: did she ever give thought to, or rather, do these women who have affairs with married men ever give thought to the wife who has spent many years building a life together with this man (I had been married for 21 years at that stage)? Do they not give thought to how the wife is hurting and still trying to hold the home together that they built over all those years?

    In my situation this other woman came from a broken home and spent hours telling my husband how awful it was and how hard done by she was. And here she was doing the exact same thing to two beautiful little girls who are being so terribly hurt by their father’s betrayal? Not to mention her ever present existence in our lives!

    The woman in your letter bemoaned the fact that he lied so terribly to her. But she was part of all that lying that they were both doing to the wife and any children that may have been involved. She so boldly says he was a liar and a charlatan, but what was she? Also a liar and someone with terribly loose morals. She was having a very intimate relationship with someone else’s husband! She says to stay away from married men!!!! Doesn’t she know that by most people’s standards married men should be way off bonds anyway, no matter how much they say they love you!!!

    By the grace of God I managed to weather the abuse and through much prayer my husband eventually came around and we are now able to continue bringing up our daughters together and once again share a loving relationship. My husband has still not come to the Lord, but daily I see how the Lord is working in his life.

    My friend however was not as fortunate. She eventually divorced her husband and left him with their newly adopted daughter who is of another race and physically challenged. Whilst he’s out playing with his boy’s toys, the new woman in his life is now left babysitting!!! Not quite what she had in mind when she first got involved with him. And that brings us back to the same question I posed earlier: what about the betrayal his wife and daughter are feeling? What about the utter confusion this adopted child is feeling? Has this woman really got what she wanted?

    Thanks for lending an ear Rod. Thanks for the wisdom you impart regularly in your article. I do enjoy reading it daily.

    Kind Regards

    Rai

  3. I was wondering whether it can happen so that an affair would primarily be so-called a ‘cat fight’? One woman gets involved into the relation with a married man to prove that she is better than that other, married, woman. The ‘affair lady’ tries to make the married woman jealous, to decrease her self-confidence, etc. by, for example, ‘being a friend’ of her husband. She also loves to hear that she is in some ways better than his wife. If this is the case, the married man is only a toy…

    On the other hand, perhaps at the same time the married guy treats his woman who is “just a friend” also very instrumentally. He loves that his wife becomes jealous of him. He feels wanted (by two women at the same time, or so it seems). The boring married life is challenged. And he loves to play an invisible role in staging the ‘cat fight’.

    Any thoughts? Thanks.

  4. I agree that you should not have phoned the wife. I just recently dated a married man, although in this case I did not know it. He also lied to me about his age. He turned out to be much older than what he said he was. I was angry, but not to the point that I would phone the wifr, after all it is not the wife;’s fault

  5. My husband had a passionate affair with an ex-girlfriend (from the years before I met him) after 18 years of marriage & during a family crisis caused by our teenaged son’s suicide attempt. In the year since the affair was discovered, my husband and I have managed to patch things up and stay together, and keep the family together, which was fundamental to saving our son’s life during his depressive crisis.

    My perception about this other woman is that she was as heartbroken as you, although I have never spoken to or seen her. My husband indicated that she has continued to send him heart-rending e-mails several times a week (maybe daily) even a year after he committed to trying to make our marriage work. (we continue to fight over the fact that he is obviously still reading these messages). I cannot find even a particle of sympathy for her plight–she actively pursued him, secretly, throughout the marriage, and used the opportunity of the crisis to seduce my husband–specifically, on the same day I was picking our son up from the hospital to come home for the first time after he tried to kill himself. I still cannot fathom the self-centered cruelty that allowed her to use this situation to pry him away from those who needed him most at that moment.

    Based on everything I learned about myself and about how the world works as a result of surviving this horror, my comment to “I had an affair with a married man” is simple–a relationship built on lies & hot passion is by definition doomed, and that is the main part of the passionate appeal of the situation to the man. Everyone knows that super hot passion can’t last–not for anyone. two to three years, tops. Even if you ever got him to marry you, then you’ll eventually be the boring one too. It is easy for one woman to demonize, de-sex, and dismiss “the wife” who is in the way — it’s done all the time in art and literature, why not in real life, but that’s what a wife is, in effect. No one wants to see the opera about a happy, loving wife with a good, loyal husband–she’s boring!!! they want to see Madame Butterfly’s weeping about her ex-boyfriend. You made that bed–so now you have to sleep in it. You chose the hot drug form of love, but it is impossible to keep that one for your own because it cannot last in captivity. If you would like a lasting relationship, start honest and be prepared to become “a wife” too. it’s not a picnic either, under these type of circumstances.

  6. Avoiding getting involved with someone who is married at all cost is the ultimate advice. It only causes a lot of pain for everyone involved. Caution should be strongly used as well for those who are separated, but not yet divorced, as its not uncommon for people who are separated to work their marital problems out with their spouse, leaving whom ever they got involved with on the rebound in the dust.

  7. i wish i can share this with you privately.. i have been through the same exact thing.. and how i understand what you are going through..

  8. …… you may do so….. send me a private email to

    Rod@DifficultRelationships.com

    ….. and I will contact you privately.

    Rod Smith

  9. I can’t believe you contacted the wife. I am a husband in an 18 year marriage. I have been suffering from clinical depression for two years. Diagnosed. This has taken a huge toll on my wife and children. Also, it has put me close to suicide several times. In an effort to find something to make me happy, I had an two month affair. In a moment of sanity, I broke it off. The “mistress” sent an email to my wife. This just happened last week. Luckily, I came clean to my wife and she says she will not leave me. However, I know I destroyed the best person in my life. I also know that I am the one hat did wrong, broke my vows etc. However, the “mistress” knew I was married, knew I had problems and played on those problems to actually prolong the relationship. Then in the end, this “bitch” crushed my wife. Why? Not to help my wife! I may be the most wrong person here, but the mistress knew what she was doing. She told my wife out of some twisted form of revenge. That is wrong.

    • One word: married men stay away from them, you should not cheat on your wife and find some one fall for you, there should be a law if married men or woman cheat, baddddddddddddddddddddd, the good one get hurt.

    • “However, the “mistress” knew I was married, knew I had problems and played on those problems to actually prolong the relationship. Then in the end, this “bitch” crushed my wife. Why? Not to help my wife! I may be the most wrong person here, but the mistress knew what she was doing. She told my wife out of some twisted form of revenge. That is wrong.”

      Are you kidding me? You think your wife doesn’t need to know that her life is a lie? You are more worried that you will lose both, not whether your wife has been told. She should be told. The mistress isn’t the problem. You lie, you cheat, and lie some more and then expect after you hurt people that you should be allowed to go back to lying to just your wife only?
      Did you think your wife so stupid and naive that you can do whatever you want and she will just sit there and take it?
      All mistresses should tell the wives. They have a right to know that their life is a big, huge , irrepairable lie.

      • I’ve been sat here reading through some of the responses about having affairs with married men. What is it with some women. OK, perhaps women shouldn’t go with married men, that’s always going to lead to a path of self destruction, but come on, why blame the other women.

        Men pursue the other women for whatever reason, surely they are not blameless. I don’t blame someone for telling their wives, not to hurt them but to make them realize what sort of a man they are married to and how they are cheating not just on the wife but also the mistress. The mistress has feelings and rights too, especially if she has been duped.

        It never ceases to amaze me, the audacity of men. They want to have their cake and eat it, it makes me so angry, how dare they cheat on their wives, how dare they pursue another woman, come on you people, wake up.

      • Why assume the married man (or married woman) chased their affair partner?

        Granted, if they are having an affair, they certainly didn’t say no. I shouldn’t be, but I’m continually amazed at how many buy into the lie that men are evil and women are victims.

        I know these rules are not popular today, but I see a certain wisdom in God’s rules about sex and marriage. It’s pretty simple really, have sex with one person, your spouse. Not before they are your spouse and not with anyone else.

        It really removes any ambiguity. Any other women, even if they don’t know if the man ( or reverse the circumstance as was in the case of my ex-wife, she is the one who betrayed a faithful husband) is married, she should be 100% if she’s married to him or not.

        So she runs through that check list, is this person my husband? No, then don’t engage them sexually.

        It’s really pretty simple.

        But that’s too “old fashioned” for some. It’s not part of their truth.

        That’s too bad, because for many, now a relationship with an unavailable man or woman is now part of their truth. Their truth is built on a relationship that has a foundation in lies and deceit.

        I don’t see how anyone can possibly trust someone who would betray their spouse. Why would one have a reasonable expectation that it will be different for them.

        Think about it for a nano-second. He/She has no problem lying to his/her spouse, but he’s going to be 100% open and honest with you?

        I guess I just don’t get the appeal of having the most intimate of all acts with someone who by wanting to do that with you is demonstrating he/she is unworthy of trust for any sort of emotionally or physically intimate relationship.

      • It takes two to tango, being married isn’t a crime. married don’t put a gun on anybody’s head to have affairs with them so do mistresses. I myself have been a mistresse so many times , i don’t go looking for them they look for me. I have never called any of these men’s wives and i don’t intend to. You men you need to learn how to work hard to find happiness in your marriage.

      • i think ringing the wife was incredibly selfish, this person does not know the wife so it was not our of love or kindness as if a friend told her, it was out of jealousy and revenge. yes the wife should know, in fact deep down she probably does and not yet ready to deal with it.

  10. I want to call the wife! She asked me a year ago and told her to ask her husband. Now, a year later he continues to destroy her sefl -esteem as he says he wants to do it “his way”. I am wrong for ever responding to him when this started and I battle this every day. I just want to say I am sorry to her for this. I don’t want him back but I hate to think that he is returning to the world he calls “ok” and I am a wreck. I hate that he gets to sit pretty in all of this. You can’t tell me the wife knows because he has lied to her so much that she believes it. HELP!

  11. No one wins here. I have been in a 5 year very toxic relationship with a married man. Everytime, which have been many, I have tried to end it he goes to the extreme to make sure I don’t. He has told friends and even some of his customers about his affair with me, telling them he is in love with me. I have even considered moving out of town to get away from him. He is very controlling and has even threatened to kill himself if I leave him.

  12. Every threat of suicide must be taken very seriously. As the ‘other woman,” even if you were a mental health professional specializing in suicide prevention, you would be unqualified to sustain his life. Get out of the man’s way so he can get the help he needs!

    He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t threaten, control, or manipulate.

    I trust you see you are “killing yourself” by staying. I’d suggest you move, that you do cut all ties, and that you do find your freedom at all cost. You cannot be a lifeline for any man, let alone one who demonstrates no respect for his family or for you.

    Suicide, by very definition, is self-inflicted, and therefore his killing himself, which would indeed be very sad, would not be your responsibility, or your fault.

  13. I am the other woman. The sad thing is I have been single for the better part of nine years. I have had three serious relationships with eligible single men. These relationships lasted anywhere from 1.5 to 2.5 years. I ended all of them because the relationship was headed nowhere. There were no talks of marriage and these men were going about their lives making decisions that let me know I was not even being considered in the future as a part of their lives.

    I have been seein a married man for the last three months. This man has treated me better than the three relationships (single men) put together. It may be true that the relationship has no future, but because he is married I don’t expect anything. It may be true he is so attentive and good to me because he is married, but at least he recognizes he should do something to compensate.

    I guess my point is I have tried dating single men and I don’t get the same response. It is painful on weekends when he goes home. It is painful when holidays roll aroung and I’m alone. It is painful but the pain is temporary also.

    • your story sounds similar to mine, I’m 30, 6’2″ female, christian, former athlete/model, good looking, i think 🙂 smart, 2 masters degrees and still a virgin. my last relationship was 9 yrs ago… yep i was 21 going on 22. BORED.

      a lot of ppl look up to me, they say i’m a great role model, i felt like i had something to offer too…

      i had an affair with a married man. broke it off.. he texted me yest. and i changed my mind… i can’t even bring myself to tell my best friend. his wife knows, somehow… we’ve always had a great relationship and truly respected each other, NOW she’s disgusted by me.

      i’m disgusted too…. i NEVER saw this coming. ME? the other woman, hell no!!! …or yes? my GOD what is this? he’s well known, charismatic, a leader/mentor/father of 2, 17 yrs my senior (you can’t tell tho’!)

      i’m tired being alone, it’s really getting on my nerves..lol. i’m somewhere close to the 20th bridesmaid dress , who saw “28 dresses”? some of the ppl who got married were guys who i was attracted and vice versa, but now they’re married.

      i’m mad, sad. struggling to focus on my final months of Grad. School. Men do come along, but they’re significantly shorter than I am. i always like feeling protected, taller guys are preferred. But my friend said to me the other day, “What is it about you and UNAVAILABLE MEN???”

      …she has no idea.

      well., what is it?

  14. I was in a relationship for 8 years with an abusive man who would threaten to tell my children if I left him. He was married with children and when I received an abusive phonecall from him saying he would lie and tell people where we go that I had aids after I refused to meet up with him any more, and that he would ruin me, I decided enough was enough. I knew the only way to stop him was to ring his wife and tell her he would not leave me alone. It worked. I knew deep down he was afraid of losing his home, and that he did’nt love me really. My point is that was the only way I could get him to leave me alone was to rihg his wife, which I was loathsome to do. I am still trying to get my head around that he lied about loving me, but unfortunately I fell in love with him. Yes, I did wrong, but that is life, I did’nt plan it, he was a charmer when he was nice, but a jekyll and hyde character. I now have a bad name because of him as he has lied about me to people where we used to go socially. I was totally taken in and used for his own purpose. I wish I could turn the clock back.

  15. I was in a similar situation. I cheated on my husband with a married man….he was supposedly headed for an iminent divorce with this “abusive” woman, and I was also in a bad position in my marriage. Of course, he made mine seem to be “unbearable” and convinced me to plan to leave my family, and plan a life with him. He asked me to marry him, I did not accept (which I was planning on doing until after we were both divorced). I also got pregnant (not by choice), lost the baby, and many more horrible things.

    He lived out of state, and traveled extensively for his job, so I could only believe what he told me. I even knew this guy (and dated him) as a teenager. He was a liar then, and had turned into a pathological version. Too bad I didn’t know this until after a one year affair. You may not think I am a victim, but EVERYONE is a victim in this situation. I started checking into his stories, asking questions of his friends, and then the date of his ‘impending divorce’ suddenly kept being pushed out, and he started talking about how we ought to “tone things down” a bit after my husband discovered the affair (ie not talking so much on the phone). I figured I’d been taken for a fool at this point…but deserved it of course. My poor husband and his poor wife are now also victims.

    He always told me “no matter what happens, never tell my wife–if she ever contacts you, just deny everything.” Well she did contact me, and I did not deny. I’m sorry, but I would want to know. She has thanked me about 20 times for telling her–or she would have had no clue. He has kept this woman like a prisoner for years–she is from another country, and is ten years younger than this guy. He’s horrible, threatened to kill his wife (to me) over something that never happened, and is now threatening to take his own life if his wife leaves him. (He makes crap for money even though he tells people he’s wealthy, and his wife makes a bundle (which no one knows), so he’d be forced to work for a living.)

    Anyway, I firmly disagree with the guy who says “the bitch” crushed his wife. No YOU crushed your wife. The truth of what YOU DID was revealed. And I’m sure you had just a tiny bit to do with “the bitch” being involved with you. And can I ask you and the lying men out there what the heck they think will happen when they express their undying love to a woman, bond with her sexually, make commitments, etc.? Come on! She’s just supposed to walk away, forget everything, and let it all be? You should have thought about the repercussions before you stuck your “___” into her time and time again.

    Also, the “other woman” is grateful for me coming forward as her husband is a lying creep and would never have told her. Also, I have HPV, and she would never have known what was up with the little bumps he had (and now she has) on her genitals, and that may possibly render herself infertile, hadn’t I come forward (he still claims that he and I always used protection.)

    The one lesson stands out–don’t cheat with married men/women, and if you are married, either get a divorce before you pledge your love to someone else and also make sure the guy is divorced before you sleep with him. Otherwise, nothing good will ever come of it. Don’t think you’re “different” , “soulmates”, etc. like I did. He lead me to believe that and so much more. And ask yourself this question: “If a man really loves you, would he accept the fact that you are not HIS alone and/or not be in a HUGE hurry to make you only his?” The answer, of course is HELL NO!! My husband wouldn’t wait a day longer than he had to, fought for me tooth and nail with this asshole (thank the Lord above) when I was not strong enough to do so. Believe someone who’s been there–a man does not respect you if you would cheat with him (no matter what he says). Any chance you had of a great relationship is dead. Grieve your loss, count your blessings and move on. Life is too short. My goal now is to educate other men and women about the hell I went/am going through and to help others avoid my mistakes.

    And to all the women who talk about Jekyl and Hyde characters, pathological liars, charmers, etc. I’ve seen it all with my ex “partner”. Been told I was “the love of his life”, “the best thing to ever happen to him”, his “Jenny” like Forrest Gump, the high school sweetheart he never stopped loving all these years, how abusive his wife was, intimate details of how awful things she did to him that were totally untrue (I know, you think no one would make things like that up, but they do)…I could write a novel. But guess what, men think with their penises, so you have to put less stock in what they say and more in what they DO. Like my counselor told me–sit back and watch–his actions will tell you whether or not he loves you…his words are meaningless.

    To everyone touched by infidelity, I pray for you, and hope you will do the same for me. I know am at fault, but I will suffer more than anyone. The scarlet “A” never goes away. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself. Luckily, my husband has.

    • God blesss you. I am trying to be strong again, like you. Please pray for me. I love a shameless ‘asshole’.

      • i can only commend you in being honest with the wife. I had an affair with a married man that i deeply regret, I said to the man that we should be honest to our partners, he asked me not to and i took the easy way out. I wish i hadn’t as down the track the truth came out and the pain was a lot worse with the lies.

        I believe being honest because she asked you is the right thing to do, telling her out of jealousy and vengence is not

  16. I could have written the above. I too, just broke off a 5 year affair with a man. I am saddened that none of the replies focused on the reader’s vulnerability (which he took advantage of) at the time. Her husband died tragically about a year before. My husband also passed away – then just when you STILL feel like dieing too, someone makes you laugh. Makes you smile. TOUCHES you. You want to believe you are loved – again. You are afraid to be connected with ANYONE because of your loss -> and scared to death to lose again. In a way, the married man (at the time) is perfect. Because, you really can’t have him, so you can’t be hurt – right? But, then the lies come from him. The lies of love, the lies of his marriage, the FUTURE with you. You buy into it. You want to believe. You fall in love with him. The years add up because he has excuses for everything. Just a little more time. She is an alcoholic. Need to get her help. The son is bipolar and suicidal. He is trying to get out, and will. Then, at some point, for your own mental stability – you tell him – “you are lieing to me.”
    There is no future.

    Yes, naive. But, also, not in the right state of mind when (like the person above) started the affair.

    I ended it. No, I won’t tell the wife. I wouldn’t want her to hurt as I am. If anything, I kept their marriage TOGETHER for the last five years. Now, he give her all of his time – but no happiness from me.

    I am very lonely, upset, hurt, all of the above. But, I need to breath alone, and without HIM.

    I liked your advice 2timesafoot! That is wonderful you found the man of your dreams in the end. I hope some day, something similar will happen for me.

    It is time to start living again.

  17. Iam in 2 year relationship with a married man. I am married too in an intimateless marriage but I don’t want a divorce either. I am trying to find the strength to break it up but I feel so weak when he reaches out to me via email. I know he is a liar, I know he is promiscuous. His marriage of 28 yrs has been “open” or so he says..and I stàrted to buy into that lifestyle being ok, even though my husband would NEVER!. MM told me he has had homosexual relations too and I was grossed out. I also saw on his blackberry when he was in the shower that he has been talking to a couple about hooking up with the 2 of them. I confronted him, he cried and cried and said he was not going to do it and that he would do anything to make me ebelive it. He says HE IS TOTALLY in love with me. Now his wife left him last week. He’s obviously freaking out and I am hoping they patch it up and he tells me he needs to fpocus on their marriage so he has to let me go. We work at the same company but we live 1700 miles from one another. We see each other once every 6 wks or so. Never on weekends of course.

  18. I am the wife and when the other woman called me – my husband broke down and told me everything. He stopped seeing her that day – he hasn’t looked back. She calls and emails all the time – begging him to come back. Now that we are in counseling – our lives are starting to heal. I recently sent her a letter and a big “A” painted red as a present to her work. Then in the local newspaper – I ran an add that said Congratulation XXX you earned the A all by yourself So when friends asked her what it means – she will either have to come clean or make up a lie!

    • You sound a little twisted…..publicly putting things in the newspaper???? Leave that poor woman alone. She was vulnerable and your husband took advantage of her. She likey told you out of desperation looking for some kind of destination and it ended. You have your husband back and somehow he’s managed to come out ahead with you working to keep him. Leave that poor hurting woman alone. She needs to heal too and probably more than you….she’s the one who’s alone and you and your husband have each other for consolation. Your husband should ask her forgiveness for the grief he’s caused her and wish her the best in life. Your husband is the coward here and your anger towards her is very misplaced.

      • I didn’t own that woman a things she knew he was married and deserves everything she got……

      • to The Wife
        it is painful to experience what you have gone through. But to seek revenge and retribution only causes more hurt and pain to yourself and to your husband. hopefully you will be able to forgive all parties involved and heal your hurt heart

    • Yes, you should not have done that. If you are working on your marriage then that is exactly what you should have done, worked on your marriage. I am sorry to say but you are only human, and humans make mistakes. This poor girl made a mistake and was really hurting. You have NO idea what your husband might have said to her about YOU.

      This was wrong. And I agree that it is your husband that should be apologizing to this girl, not getting chastised by you, because in the end, she was still alone (probably feeling more than JUST alone) while you two still have each other.

      I hope you have learned to forgive and to let go from this terrible experience.

  19. I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years with my married/ former college professor.How in the world do I end this? I have never been in love b4 ever. I was raised a strict Catholic, even looking at a married man was agaianst my morals. Somehow I got lost.. Who ever has been in this situation please help, I need help. I looked up to him so much now the man who I thought was my hero has destroyed me. I blame myself often but lately I am so hurt, I put all the blame on him. How can I love a man who has hurt me so bad. How do I end this?

    • I’ve been there. Fight for the courage to walk away. Just do it and I know it will be painful but cut off communication. If he wants you then he will fight for you and prove himself by leaving his wife and asking to be with you exclusively. If not then you’ll have your answer. The longer you stay the more you delay the inevitable. Eventually you will crawl out and the sooner the better so you can move forward in your life.

  20. As you have discovered, layers of deception under girding your covert liaison cannot lead to long-term fulfillment. The imbalance of power, and your vulnerability, while skewing the responsibility toward this devious professor, does not let you off the hook. You too, are an adult.

    Regarding your faith: this is not about knowledge. It is about distorted space and very fuzzy boundaries.

    Take the initiative. Cut all ties. Offer no explanation. Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. The pain you will experience is worth it, and will be nothing compared to the pain you will know when the relationship is exposed, or when the professor decides to go his selfish way and to cut off from you.

    You deserve better, but will not find it until you walk through this fire, get some rest, gain perspective, and then are able to move on.

  21. I have been in a four year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. The women always make the decisions in the end.

    • Your absolutely right – the woman do. The wife asked me after 3 1/2 years and I told her. I thought she had a right to know so she could make an informed decision. She decided to keep him. As much as he was happier with me he was to weak to end it with her. Better she have a weak man than me I suppose. It’s been hard for me without him but it does get easier. The longer I stayed the more I put off my life.

      She works so hard now to do things to keep him happy. If I wouldn’t have told her and just walked away I sometimes wonder if he would have been so unhappy with her because she would have continued to be so unfulfilling to him without her knowledge of how hard she had to work to keep him happy.

      The choice is yours but telling her might only help them and not you.

  22. You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.

    I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.

  23. I have been involved with a married man for a little over a year now. We worked together for 3 years before anything happened and developed an amazing friendship that ended up turning into love (at least I thought so). It all started a couple days before I was scheduled to transfer to another office that we had just opened over a 1000 miles away. We are in the type of business where we traveled a lot together and were always out to dinners, cocktail hours and special events. Once I moved we would fly back and forth to see each other and we talked, emailed, and text messaged each other every single day. The office that I transferred to wasn’t what I expected so I ended up transferring back after only 6 months. I realized very quickly that I wasn’t the type of person that could be involved in an affair, watching him go home to his wife and 2 year old son everyday. The weekends were even worse. I tried to break it of fand it was the worst pain I thought I could ever feel. He said that he had to do something soon (ie. get a divorce) because he loved me to much to let me go. Months went by and one night at dinner with a client someone made a comment about how he was going away on a company event with his wife. I knew about the event, but he never mentioned he was taking his wife. I was mortified sitting there at dinner, I felt so foolish. When I asked him about it he said that he had planned this before anything started and you had to bring your spouse. Stupid me actually believed him. Months continued to pass by along with all his lies. He was telling me that we were going to get married, have a house and two beautiful children together, he promised me the world. He went into extensive details about how his marriage was over and he was madly in love with me. I honestly felt the same way which just made it so easy to believe in everything he was telling me. Even though I always went through his phone when he was off doing something. I saw countless emails back and forth to his wife about promising to be a better husband, how they were going to be attending social events together, and also conversations with other girls, just silly sexually implied banter… I confronted him with every little thing I found and he had an excuse for it all, even if it was just that he was an asshole. All I got was please wait, please be patient. He always blamed it on his son, he said that he was struggling not seeing his son everyday. Even though he traveled all the time for work, spent at least two nights a week with me and he was always out with his friends drinking, golfing and going to sporting events. He isnt there for his son now and it just makes me sick to hear him using his poor child as an excuse. Every time I tried to break it off, he would come in my office, send me email, text messages and call me. He wouldnt leave me alone. I eventually became very bitter about everything and began to hate him for everything he did and for the fact that I could of been so stupid as to ever have believed his lies. It was so obvious that he was never leaving his wife, he had it way to easy, she obviously didnt give a crap what he was doing she didnt even bother to look or she would of seen the affair going on.

    The serious problem is that we work together and I couldn’t stand to even look at him anymore and he would still email me and text me so I finally went to the office manager. He talked with the guy and when I went back to meet with him he told me that the guy liked me, swore it was over and quoted a line from Remember the Titans “I dont have to like him, but I have to respect him”. Well that is just great and all, but what happens when he comes in my office and makes stupid comments about how he misses me or we have to travel overnight somewhere and he pushes his way in my room like he did once. One time I had told him it was over and we had to go to an event over night. I skipped out while he wasnt looking when the party started to die down. I just went back to my room and fell asleep. I had 20 missed calls, 19 text messages and my room phone even rang a few times…

    When my branch manager sat me down and told me I still had to work with him after all this and told me how he admitted that he will never and was never leaving his wife for me and it was just a mistake I was floored. I left work and called my friend hysterical. I begged her to text his wife. She did, it said that your husband is a liar and a cheater. I felt so guilty after the fact… but he even text me a few days later telling me what happened and trying to accuse me of doing it. I denied it and he said he still loved me and wanted to be with me.. He told his wife that he had no idea who sent the message and left it at that. He never admitted to it. She ended up texting my friend back, whats my husbands name. I felt so guilty for what I had done that I told my friend to text her back and just say that she was so sorry, but had sent the mesage to the wrong number.

    I cant stand to think that I have to sit here and let him get away with what he has done and I am so afraid that he will try and get to me. We just travel to much and are put in situations where there is alchol involved.

    I really did care for him, I just dont know what to do…..

  24. Just like being gay was considered a taboo in the past. Adultery will follow the same thing. Lets face it relationships change and who are we to judge the actions of others. There are some interesting surveys from a free illicit encounters type dating site on http loveisthebug wordpress com

  25. I just happen to log on to your web site and need to ask for your opinion. I have been in a relationship with a married man for 8 years now. I was married for 8 years with an abusive husband and found comfort in this man after my divorce. He was up front in the beginning and told me that he would never live his wife, but that he was no longer in love with her. I was okay with it and still to this don’t know why. Anyways, thing have changed and he too has become verbally abusive calling me a bitch, telling me I’m just a piece of ass and so on. I know that he is a great person to his family but things have just fallen apart for me. I’m not trying to be the victim here, but I don’t know how I could have done this. Not only to his wife and children but to myself. I can’t understand why two different men could have not loved me. I am not a terrible person and gave myself to both, but nothing was given to me in return. I don’t know how to get out. When I tell him I should stop he tells me he doesn’t want to leave me and that he loves me. I do Love him and I do not want to let him go but I know I must let him go before the verbal abuse turns into more hurt. Like your other writters holidays and vacations are spent with his family and I am left at home waiting on him.. He knows how I feel about him and my feelings are true but I don’t know about him anymore. Could you please help.

  26. I’m sure I’m in the minority, but I think it was GOOD to tell the wife of the affair partner what her husband was doing.

    My perspective? My ex-wife had an affair. While I knew something was wrong, until I found out what she was up to, I was going mad.

    So it’s not hard to imagine her noticing something wrong, but not knowing exactly what.

    So her coming clean in my opinion was the best thing she could have done.

    A marriage cannot survive when there are such secrets. It may not survive the telling of secrets, but intimacy doesn’t happen when important details like an affair are kept secret. For that man’s marriage to get better, his wife has to know what happened.

    She deserves the right to make decisions about how she is going to live the rest of her life with complete information. The affair was information about her husband and the state of her marriage she did not have, and deserved.

    He had ample time to be honest about his behavior and had not done so. So I have no problem with his affair partner being forthright about her actions with him.

    • you thought something was wrong and didn’t have the guts? esteem what ever it is to ask her yourself? you may have been able to save the relationship,

  27. I had an affair with a married for a total of 15 years! He was married for a total of 17 years and I, for 10. People often ask me how I could stay in a relationship with someone I couldn’t have for that long of a time? They want to know what kept me around and in love with him. The answer is…he was everything my husband was not. He was a wonderful listener, a romantic and sensual man, an outstanding lover, and brilliant. To me, he was my soulmate; however, he was one that I would never ever get to have for the rest of my life.

    Our affair was off and on throughout the 15 years of our relationship. We met after he had been married for 2 years and right at the time he had his first child. We had drunk sex the first night we met and it was SO good that we went on for months. At one point I had told him that what we were doing was wrong and that I wanted to stop the affair. He begged me not to leave and started calling me numerous times thoughout the day and even coming up to my job and leaving love notes on my car begging me to stay with him. I was smitten at his persistence and so I continued the affair (wish to God I hadn’t). We’d sneak and do things together like attend christmas parties, go to dinner, the movies, shopping….everything! I was so in love with him and he appeared to be with me so at one point, I thought I could steal him away from his wife. I gave him my total mind, body and spirit endlessly and without any restriction. He was my everything and I would take risks for him no mater what the potential dangers would be. He would sneak to see me late at night at least twice a week for years while I was living with my soon to be husband, who worked the 3rd shift. He even snuck over on one occasion to make love to me while my soon to be Mother in law and niece slept in the very next room! We couldn’t get enough of each other! The romance was flourishing and we were just like teenagers in love without a care in the world, not thinking about the hurting parties at all. Then one day, his wife became suspicious and hired a detective to follow him to my place one night. She showed him the videotape of him walking into my dark apartment as she cried. He told her that I was just a friend that he talked to on occasion because she was neglecting him with the new baby. They seperated for one day and then she took him back and proceeded with plans to get marital counseling in an attempt to save their strained marriage. During the counseling sessions, we continued our affair, but with extreme caution obviously.

    I didn’t get married until 5 years into the affair so I married my husband knowing that my wedding vows were meaningless at the time. It pained me DEEP to stand before my husband and 100 + of our family members and closest friends and tell lies before God. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I begged him to convince me that marriage was not the answer because I was so in love with him, but I knew I would never have him all to myself anyway so I did it. I knew that getting married under the circumstances was a BIG mistake, but I did it anyway. Four months after saying “I do”, my husband came home from work late one night and caught us having sex in our bed. It was very traumatic for all parties involved and I felt so bad for the pain I had caused my husband. After months of tears, pain and counseling and trying to repair the damage, I selfishly continued having the affair.
    He even continued his frequent visits to our home and like an idiot, I welcomed him every time.

    Two more children came between him and his wife and I was still involved with him. Still lurking in the shadows and satisfying his every want and need knowing that he would never leave his wife for me. Several times throughout the affair, we had both made attempts to end it because we knew we were wrong, but we kept running back to one another. I was so in love with him, I think all the way up to the 12th year and then I told myself that the love MUST become lust because he had hurt me so many times by the abrupt way that he’d leave me, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I did’t want to remain emotionally attached to him, so in the last 3 years, we made it clear that we were together just for sex and companionship. Oh my GOODNESS the sex was just WAYYY too good to say no everytime he would ask me to come back. So foolishly I would return and continue subjecting myself to the hidden hurt and pain that I tried to keep deep under the surface. I thought it was over for good in year 14 after he told me for the umpteenth time that he was going to be a good boy and not fool around on his wife any longer. So I leaved him alone and went on with my life tying to strengthen my own marriage. The pain of him leaving for what I thought was for good, was too much to bear, yet I eventually got over him and was happy with my husband. Then 5 months later, here he comes again wanting to get back together AND like a FOOL, I surrendered because I had missed the sex and the passion that my own marriage lacked along with everything he gave me that my poor husband didn’t. So we got back into our fantasy relationship for another 5 months until recently (3 days ago) out of the blue, he sends me another text message that read “Its my 17th wedding anniversary and we need to stop seeing each other. Take care of yourself” It hurt me like hell because I felt like he could have at least picked up the phone to tell me this after all the years we were together, but he took the cowardly punk way out and didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face that ONCE AGAIN, its over. After years of being tossed to the sharks and then baited in for the kill time and time again, I changed my number so that he will no longer be able to contact me and use me and hurt me deep in the process. I have vowed to never communicate with him again and its unfortunate that the 15 years we invested in our so called ‘friendship’ had to end on a bad note because he couldn’t be the man that I THOUGHT he was and tell me verbally that he was feeling sorry for cheating on his wife for 15 years, 4 jobs, 3 children, 5 cars, 3 homes and over 500 orgasms later! I hate him for how he did what he did, but I will get over it as I have before and never ever again get involved with him or any other other man as long as I have my loving husband. It’s truly not worth it because in the end, the “other” woman ALWAYS ends up hurt. I feel so used for all the years I’ve wasted trying to build a friendship with someone who really didn’t give a rats ass about my feelings afterall.

    • Dear Ms. Coleman:

      I am sorry for the pain you ALL know in this sad scenario. I will respond more fully when I have a few extra moments today. I have fully read your letter but am not in a position to respond. I have to get the children up for school.

      Please find the link entitled: The Seductive Nature of an Extramarital Affair… It is the first post on this website.

      Thanks for writing. Apart from all the trauma, may you have a peaceful day.

      Rod Smith

  28. hi paul, i am now in a relationship with a married man, he was my officemate who become my best friend, we are both working abroad so he’s family left at our country home. After a year his wife discovered the affair and threatened him to no access of his children if he will not end the affair. So in short we broke up and he brought his familyhere. After 2 years he started sending me e-mails asking for forgiveness and telling me that he was so disperate when we broke up and doesn’t know when to move on. I thought i have move on but when he start calling me again, i realized that i am still in love with him and now we start seeing each other again. But i am not comfortable with the situation, what if his wife will find out? please help me

  29. My turn…this is the first confesion of my sin. This was all too familiar to let it go by. I have been having an affair with a married man who is older than I am for over a year now. I too was widowed (at age 28) when I found comfort and friendship in him. It started just like that and graduated to some of the most incredible sex I have had in my life. We decided that as soon as either of us started to have feelings for each other, we would be done. Well after almost a year, I finally admitted to myself and him, that it was more than just sex and fun to me. He claimed he too had developed feelings for me. I confronted him bluntly, questioning whether he was just telling me this because I had confessed. He denied it.

    We tried to stop, we can’t. We have been trying for months. We work very closely and see each other all day every day. We have such an amazing friendship, we have amazing sexual chemistry. We make each other laugh. I knew going into this that he had been unfaithful to his wife in the past. I have never felt jealous of his wife or his family (or I’m lying to myself). Despite being a single mother, I have a very fulfilling life outside of him. But because I am a single mother, I have no time to devote to pursue other relationships. So I am settling. I have no expectations. I don’t expect him to leave his family for me. Nor do I want him to.

    The sneaking around at work is exhausting. We are very close with our boss and I am amazed that in over a year, we haven’t slipped or have been caught. We have come close many times, and I am sure our boss is suspicious.

    I used to be disgusted by adulterers, and now I am one, and I can’t stop. I want to. I don’t want to end up more hurt than I would be if I were to stop now. But he provides something in my life that I have not had in a very long time. And I am very selfish for hanging on to this.

    • Thanks for writing, — I really do understand. What is troubling for me is how it will hurt and trouble you when it stops or the truth comes out. It is then that you will need all the help and support in the world.

  30. Wow, I am reading so much of myself in these responses!

    I too did the unthinkable years ago…I had an affair with a married man. I was single, and had just come out of a four year relationship that horribly mundane and boring. I met this guy out on the very first night I went out as a single woman.

    He was the opposite of my ex in every way. He was charming, charismatic, funny, outgoing, and just a great person to be around. He told me the first night that he was divorced and he was not wearing a ring.

    We began hanging out on weekends and emailing each other during the day at work. About three months into it, he dropped a bomb shell, that he was actually married. He claimed that the reason he lied to me was that he was in the “process of separating” when he met me, and didn’t want to risk losing me over a marriage falling apart. But now, it seemed, his wife wanted to make another go of it. He wasn’t sure what he wanted because he liked me so much.

    I initially broke it off. But I missed him terribly. He began asking about me to mutual friends, which always got back to me. I missed him something fierce.

    Through a random run in, we reconnected. I knew it was wrong, but he said everything right, and I got so swept up in the moment that I let my morals go and started up a relationship with him again.

    I heard the same things a lot of women hear…they were sleeping in separate rooms, never were intimate, she was horrible, mean, controlling, etc. As bad as it sounds, I never thought of her as a living, breathing, person. She was just this idea of sorts, a dark area of our lives that happened to be his wife.

    Whenever I brought up him leaving her, he’d tell me it was complicated, but that I needed to be patient. He was going to do it very soon. What he was waiting for, I didn’t know.

    About six months into our relationship, I received a phone call from a mutual friend that didn’t know about our affair. This friend asked if I had heard from the guy, as his wife had left him that day. The story went that she found out he was cheating, called him at work, and told him she had a moving truck ready to go for him to come home and get his stuff.

    He apparently was freaking out, calling everyone and asking them who told her what, and losing his mind over the whole thing. Two things struck me pretty hard-

    1. The behavior he was exhibiting was nothing like that of a man on the verge of separation. He instead was freaking out, trying to figure out who told what, etc. and

    2. The girl that the wife found out about? It wasn’t me.

    Come to find out, he had several girls on the side. One his secretary, and another, a girl I thought was just his friend (whose beach house he and I slept together at when she had given it to him only as a favor).

    I was humiliated. I also learned that a friend of mine knew the wife, and gave me a glowing report of how wonderful of a person she was. I wanted to die.

    The guy never had the decency to call me or anything to let me know what had transpired. I just knew based on what people told me. I have never felt so used in my life, like I was able to be disposed of so easily. Then there was the guilt I felt, for actually doing what I did. I still to this day get twinges of sadness when I think about what his poor wife went through.

    I was lucky in that a few months after the affair ended, I met a wonderful man who I married, and seven years later he still lights up my world.

    I would just urge anyone out there, no matter what you are told by these guys…leave it alone. It is only asking for trouble and heart ache.

  31. I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 3 yrs. We started as just friends, and over a couple of years, it all changed.
    He has asked me to wait for him (he has no kids), and says he basically has no life at home. This is true. He works almost a 14hr day, and he is at work the whole time.
    When he does have free time, he spends it with me.
    I do feel bad for his wife. I feel bad that she stays with a man who cheats. She must have very low self-esteem, or just stays in the marriage for the convenience. I don’t care if he gets divorced or not, because I already have him.
    I don’t need a useless piece of paper to tell me this. I won’t end my affair, and he won’t either.
    So, I don’t need to wait for what I already have.

    • You feel bad she is with a man who cheats! She must have low self-esteem? Come on Marta. You too are with a man who cheats. What about your self-esteem? You do not have him. He has you, yes. But you do not have him. I trust your hurt will be minimized and that you will find an authentic and open relationship just as soon as possible.

      Write again, please.

      I hope you get some encouragement out of your reading on this website.

      Rod Smith

  32. Here is an update. I have broken off the relationship with the married man. It is strange to have a void, but I know I am doing the right thing for everyone involved. And, yes, I do feel bad for his wife. She knew 2 yrs ago that he cheated with me (and that it didn’t stop), and I am certain (despite what he may tell her) that she knows in her heart that he is a cheater. Me, cheating with a married man doesn’t make me any better, but I can easily repair and move on. She is staying in a marriage with someone who apparently lies to her, cheats on her, and spends her money on other women. Yeah ok, typing that last part didn’t really make the point I had initially hoped. I have the freedom to walk away (no financial ties, and if she was smart, she would have done the same two years ago when she found some pretty powerful stuff.

    None of this is her fault, and I believe she believes she is fixing her marriage. I feel sorry for her, because she will stay, and he will (cause he can buy everything under her name) stay with her because he knows she won’t leave (if she didn’t when she found what she did, then they are both greedy (finances), and deserve each other. I feel sorry that she chooses to stay with a man who uses her, and who, obviously, doesn’t truly love her. Having said that, even if he was single tomorrow, I would not let this man back into my life. I am not the type of person to re-open the past, and once I have decided to end something, it stays that way.

    My self-esteem is great. It always has been and it always will be. We cannot control who we fall in love with, and we can’t always make the right decisions, but none of that has anything to do with my self-esteem. I appreciate the relationship I had, as it was, and I have no hard feelings against him. I had a wonderful two years. As for his marriage, it will eventually end, hopefully, with her finally walking away holding her head up (but I somehow doubt it cause she is past that point), and I can only wish them better relationships in the future.

    And, that is why Marriage (a useless piece of legal paper) is a waste of time. Most marriages don’t last 7 yrs, and those that last longer are either filled with anger, resentment and bad communication, or end eventually. Marriage is only truly good for the first couple of years, after that, it becomes a chore to have to deal with the same person (get counseling in some cases) in order to communicate, and lets not get into the arguments that they seem to have.

    Our society is not built for monogomy anymore. That type of relationship went the way of the horse and buggy.

    So, in ending, let me say that my self-esteem is fine. I believe in relationships, but I don’t believe in marriage. Marriage is uneccessary, complicated, and nothing more than a legal way to bind you financially to someone.

    People cheat because they aren’t happy, not because they are. It isn’t about sex, or the intrigue, or the “game”, it is about finding what you no longer have, or had, in your marriage. These are people who want out, but don’t have the courage to do it properly, as being “married” typically leads people to believe it is for life. So, they feel tied, confined, and stuck. There is such a stigma attached to marriage, for those who still believe in it. And, that is what leads to people cheating. I heard a while ago about the possibility of a “time-limit” marriage, with option for renewal. Now, that sounds like a good plan for those who believe in this ancient system.

  33. I have been involved in an affair with a married man who is in the process of separating (I know same old story!). I desperately want to get out of this situation. There is still strong attachment between us, though not nearly as passionate as in the beginning (brief not very passionate email once a day). He says he loves me, and wants to be with me, and is divorcing his wife in any case. I see him regularly because we share the same group of friends. I need to break free, don’t I? I don’t want to be the cause of hurt to his wife, but (selfishly) I am so tormented and unfulfilled by the quasi-relationship that I just know I must get the strength to say NO and move on.

    But how. I wish I knew, concretely, how.

  34. your story sounds similar to mine, I’m 30, 6′2″ female, christian, former athlete/model, good looking, i think 🙂 smart, 2 masters degrees and still a virgin. my last relationship was 9 yrs ago… yep i was 21 going on 22. BORED.

    a lot of ppl look up to me, they say i’m a great role model, i felt like i had something to offer too…

    i had an affair with a married man. broke it off.. he texted me yest. and i changed my mind… i can’t even bring myself to tell my best friend. his wife knows, somehow… we’ve always had a great relationship and truly respected each other, NOW she’s disgusted by me.

    i’m disgusted too…. i NEVER saw this coming. ME? the other woman, hell no!!! …or yes? my GOD what is this? he’s well known, charismatic, a leader/mentor/father of 2, 17 yrs my senior (you can’t tell tho’!)

    i’m tired being alone, it’s really getting on my nerves..lol. i’m somewhere close to the 20th bridesmaid dress , who saw “28 dresses”? some of the ppl who got married were guys who i was attracted and vice versa, but now they’re married.

    i’m mad, sad. struggling to focus on my final months of Grad. School. Men do come along, but they’re significantly shorter than I am. i always like feeling protected, taller guys are preferred. But my friend said to me the other day, “What is it about you and UNAVAILABLE MEN???”

    …she has no idea.

    your story sounds similar to mine, I’m 30, 6′2″ female, christian, former athlete/model, good looking, i think 🙂 smart, 2 masters degrees and still a virgin. my last relationship was 9 yrs ago… yep i was 21 going on 22. BORED.

    a lot of ppl look up to me, they say i’m a great role model, i felt like i had something to offer too…

    i had an affair with a married man. broke it off.. he texted me yest. and i changed my mind… i can’t even bring myself to tell my best friend. his wife knows, somehow… we’ve always had a great relationship and truly respected each other, NOW she’s disgusted by me.

    i’m disgusted too…. i NEVER saw this coming. ME? the other woman, hell no!!! …or yes? my GOD what is this? he’s well known, charismatic, a leader/mentor/father of 2, 17 yrs my senior (you can’t tell tho’!)

    i’m tired being alone, it’s really getting on my nerves..lol. i’m somewhere close to the 20th bridesmaid dress , who saw “28 dresses”? some of the ppl who got married were guys who i was attracted and vice versa, but now they’re married.

    i’m mad, sad. struggling to focus on my final months of Grad. School. Men do come along, but they’re significantly shorter than I am. i always like feeling protected, taller guys are preferred. But my friend said to me the other day, “What is it about you and UNAVAILABLE MEN???”

    …she has no idea.

    well., what is it? I know I deserve better! I even told “him” i’m ready for love in a real relationship, not with “him”, but with the one (he agreed, he’d back off when i get in a serious relationship, he’s been great about keeping his distance for the most part)…. where’s my man?? What’s taking so long?

  35. Reading through these posts – I can empathize. I was in a miserable marriage for eight years, followed by a tumultuous relationship that lasted for five years. It ended badly with my heart in pieces, but my dignity mostly in tact. I found out the man who professed his undying love to me made that part of his repertoire for every woman he met – and there were many while we were together. I walked out and never looked back. It was difficult, but I remained strong and true to myself. I swore when that happened, that I had no desire to ever make another woman feel the way I felt. I decided to take a break – that I didn’t want a boyfriend or husband and I didn’t want anyone else’s boyfriend or husband either. A few months go by and I date someone else, things are rather rushed and we’re engaged and three months later we’re not… I go for nearly a year without a man in my life and I’m doing fine – or so I think…

    At this point, a man I’ve known from work for just over a year takes an interest in me, and I in him. We haven’t spoken on a personal level at all, only professionally. Once I discover his interest, of course I ask him about his relationship status. He tells me he’s totally single… Then upon further discussion, there’s some backpedaling and admits there is “someone” but she’s not there. So is that a problem? I told him my stance on men already taken. He seems amused and teases me about not wanting to be the other woman. I should have run for the hills.

    Since it had been a year and I was attracted to this man the moment I met him, all my will dissolved. I became room temperature jello. There were more red flags that I chose to ignore. He came to my house unannounced. He called me from a cell phone different than the one listed for work. Alone, those two things didn’t mean much, but coupled with the times he came over (early Saturday morning when he was running errands) and the few calls… Yeah. It was there, I chose not to see it. Then the bombshell. The “girlfriend” has his baby. WHAT? Oh, and by the way, this is their second child TO-GE-THER. (There’s a total of three, but two are his.) It had only been two months when this happens. Do you think I had the sense to walk away? Of course not. I wouldn’t be writing if I did.

    I am not stupid – my actions in this case were super duper dumb, colossally dumb, but I’m an intelligent woman otherwise. What I’m about to say next completely contradicts that… So his newborn daughter is three weeks old and guess who shows up at my house early on a Saturday morning. After that encounter (although fabulous) I decide I can’t do this anymore. I don’t say anything to him – I just let it die out. Things are going good until I go on vacation.

    While on vacation, one night I’m out drinking with friends and somehow we decided it would be a good idea to send him a text message. It was silly, we didn’t expect a response, but we got one. Since this was from my friend’s phone, he wouldn’t know it was me right away. Some things that were said likely gave it away, and he followed up with a call. Don’t recall the conversation, other than I believe it went well. Not long after that, we take our happy drunk selves home (via DD, of course).

    The next morning, the three of us are barely alive before 8 am. We’re stumbling about, haven’t had our coffee and we’re hungover as hell when my friend’s phone rings. It’s a woman wanting to know who was on the phone because her husband had received sexually explicit text messages from this number. WHOA! Husband? After a verbal tug of war of “who’s this?” my friend hangs up. Not to be deterred, the woman calls back. This time my other friend grabs the phone. She’s the calmer and less hungover of the three of us. She’s also very much no nonsense. She calmly tells the woman that she needs to take a closer look at this man she believes is her husband and that sexually explicit text messages are the least of her worries. The woman asks if her HUSBAND has had sexual relations with someone in her household. My friend replies, “Try before the baby. After the baby.” Yeah. Needless to say, we jumped anytime the phone rang after that.

    A couple of days go by and I haven’t heard a thing from him. I’ve seen him online a few times, but not a peep. The day before I’m set to return home, I get a message from him on yahoo asking me why I called her and told her about us. That’s the last I hear from him for about two months.

    Well, circumstances are such that we run into each other again and this time he’s all kinds of friendly acting like we’re long lost friends. (Much like a cat who is normally aloof unless overly hungry.) I err on the side of caution and keep things professional. He doesn’t. He makes the leap during an email exchange and makes it very clear what he wants from me. Again, if I were smart… I have no idea what my problem is with this guy. I’m like a moth to a flame and if not careful, I may eventually get burned.

    So we flirt via email and after a couple of months we’re actually in the same place at the same time. I couldn’t take all the innuendo anymore and wanted to get things out in the open. I needed to talk to him, to clear the air. He was fine with that, unfortunately he had other things in mind too. I just happened to be stupid enough to go along.

    So here I am, two months later. He’s been Mr Friendly, chatting me up every chance he gets. Offers to check on my house for me, acts like we’ve been friends for years. I was due to transfer and he was to take a promotion where we are now. Yeah, no such luck. He recently informed me that he’s going to the same location as I am. So not happy about this. I was looking forward to leaving him and all the drama, headache, and if not careful – heartache – behind.

    So will putting room temperature jello back in the fridge make it firm again or will it just become cold jello soup?

    Seriously, how do I end an ongoing fling (not really an affair) with a married man to whom I am so inexplicably attracted?

    My friends have told me to stay away from him – avoid him at all costs. It works for a while, then…well… we do communicate for work. I do my best to keep it professional, but he’s so blasted charming I cave… Thinking of the wife and the three daughters doesn’t seem to stop me either. Guess I’ve already crossed that line…

    If there was a pill I could take to make me immune to him, I’d be all over it. I really want to do the right thing. Just can’t seem to get myself to do it.

    Any ideas? I’m very open to any suggestions at this point.

    Thanks.

  36. Dear Jane;

    What I will say, having just read your letter, is that you are a terrific writer and i hope you will write more.

    I will break out one portion of your letter and use it as a post.

    Rod

  37. Well I found my soul mate and he happened to be married. Didn’t bother me none cause i couldn’t take anything from his wife that was really hers. I aint got no pity for her cause i want what she gots and she and those bratty kids of his? nothin but in my way. Been with him now for 7 years wastin my time cause shes so stupid and keeps taken him back. I tol her i was his Real wife and id be livin in her house someday cause you cant kill a love like we got. up til last few months he was given me plenty of cash all came right out of her wallet which made my life even sweeter. well things don’t go my way i help them along ya know? I make sure she knows i am always around and i aint going nowhere. So nine months ago he breakes it all off and thinks i am just going to crawrl under a rock. not happening. he been trying to get me to go away for three years before that but i keep finding some way to get him to come back and blame it all on him to her. allways let her find somethin from me so she freaks out. Aint heard from him since november but she hears from me ever chance i feel like sticking the knife in a little deeper. think its funny she says they happier than ever cause i am not ever letting this go and told her that. C*** called me a stalker and said she wasn’t ever gonna speak to me again. Funny cause she still checks to see what i rite ever day. goodie goodie act of hers got old fast wanting to tell me what to do and try to help me move on. more she is polite and tellin me to go away and leave them alone……more i laugh. i pretend like i don’t want him cause i know its just a matter of time and hell come running back to me soon as her better than me act gets old. Check out the stuff I say to her…its funny.
    Memow55@hotmail.com I put it on my blog so she has to check up on me to see if I said anything. She don’t like me talkin about her kids and s***. Sometimes i get depressed but i got reasons. Always been s*** on in life so who cares she dont know nothin about my pain and i been pashent this long. He told me he was married but i talked him into getting a divorce…showed him what real love was…still am…so even if he has lied to me about the when and even if he is playin happy little dog on a chain right now….i know i will get what i want if keep messing with her til she explodes. then i can be sweet and pick up the pieces…hahahahha. So all you ones on the outside like me who think your being bad or selfish…get called homewrecker and other stuff. Just keep up the preasure and stay strong cause you deserve to take just like them. oh and they both cheat on each other so i don’t feel bad at all.

  38. I fell in love with a man five to six years ago.. when the time to get married came, he married someone else and the best i attended his wedding. after a few months of married life, he came back to me and now its almost four years since I’m having an affair with him. His wife and parents know about our relationship. It’s true it hurts a lot that when you think he is with his wife during weekends and special occasions and you are alone at home missing him.

    • I know how you feel i have been in a relationship with a married man for five years now. His parents know about me and so does his wife. He tells me things he does not tell her and he is my soulmate. I have turned down so many relationship b/c of him and no one measures up to him. I also spends weekends and holidays alone wondering what he is doing. I know he loves me as much as I love him. He has even looked into divorce lawyers but can’t go through with it. I feel your pain and I wish I could offer more support. Is there any chance you both will be together? I pray for the day but I don’t think it will ever come. Hang in there.

  39. I had an affair with a married man. I think it happened because I was not as strong as I needed to be. His wife made a accusation that “I wanted him.” At the time I was with my boyfriend of seven years but I never cheated on him know matter how trying times were. After a while it appeared that she was making statements like this to people within the area and it eventually came back and some of my family knew about this. Like I said before it never happened. After a while I got tired of being accused. One day after work, her husband asked me if I would meet him on a certain day. I agreed. For some reason it made sense to me because I was already accused anyway. I spent one morning with him and we both returned to our families. We never spent anytime together for a while. About a few months later he started calling. We became very close. We had been together again and feelings for each other started to come.

    We have been together for almost two years now. We have a child together. He is currently separated and I live with him. This is just my experience but I have learned a life long lesson. Just because someone makes accusations does not mean you have to make them true. I have made some decisions in my life that I can never take back. A part of me regrets what I have done. It has caused great pain to his family as well as mine. At this present moment we are still together but I honestly feel deep down inside that I want out. I am ready to move on now to get my life together.

    My advice to anyone whom ever comes across a situation like mine is to walk away. Once it’s done, it is done. You can never take back anything you do. Also don’t let people tell you it’s all your fault because it’s not. It takes two people. Just be smart. Walk away. I love my baby but when this child grows up, I will have a lot of explaining to do.

  40. I have had a relationship with an old boyfriend from university for 8 months. He is in a relationship with a woman that he lives with. He said from the beginning that things were not great between them, he wasn’t happy and he wants to end it but he still hasn’t. I have come to realise that I am an absolute fool. I have finally told him that I dont want to see him again until they have split up but we carry on speaking on the phone and texting. Why is it so hard to end things?

  41. Just when I thought I was doing so well… I have been strong for a while now. Granted, a lot of the reason I’ve been able to be strong is we haven’t been around one another so I haven’t been placed in a situation where I have to tell him no. On several different occasions since my post in July he has wanted to see me, but due to timing and/or location it just wasn’t possible. So what I’m saying is, I told him no, but had it been feasible, I probably would have told him yes. So much for moving forward and away from this mess.

    I’d like to say 2010 will be better, but not likely. I learned in October that not only are we transferring to the same location, but we’ll be working together. He just learned of this last month and is quite pleased with the news. Me – not so much. I have a better chance of being strong if I’m not exposed to him and his charms on a daily basis. In conversations with my friends, I’ve likened this to having a recovering alcoholic working as a bartender. Way too easy to slip in a situation like that.

    I really do want to be strong and tell him no the next time he wants to see me. Especially since he just sent me another message today…

    I need to be able to explain to him in no uncertain terms that we are colleagues and can work together as professionals, but anything beyond that just can’t happen. Unfortunately for me, this is so much easier said than done.

    This is a resolution I’d really like to keep! Suggestions?

  42. ..i desperately need guidance to tell me if i should back off.. I met a 36 year old man, randomly while i was at a cafe on saturday night..it started off with sparks and interest and intense eye contact across the table. He wasnt alone, but with his bunch of friends who all looked married and in 30s to me.. In two days that we had spent and met, I get the feeling i was at “home”…and i found a new “Shelter” from last emotionally abusive relationship with a foreigner. This A guy also is a foreigner. But is just from a neighbouring country to mine. Anyways, the second day where we got a little more intimate than we should, especially me, but no sex involved coz i respect my religion. OTW to send him to his hotel coz he had to catch a plane back, i took the courage to ask him coz my instinct was pushing me, “were u married before?”, he took a long pause and heavy sigh and “yes” came out with a guilt-stricken look on his face..”i dont want to tell you coz it will spoil our mood, and i dont want to lose u, i only met u”..i pull a strength after a while and said i understood why he lied bla bla like any (so called) understanding woman should be. I wanted to believe that I am special to him and “we” were a special case.. The night he touched down his country, he called me, I was crying and having somewhat of a PTSD coz i felt i lost something that was so close to me – which was him. Then at the same time, he wants to tell me stuffs, so i let him proceed with his guilt in his voice..then he told me he is not 30, but he’s 36..he have 2 kids, but he stressed on being “SEPARATED” instead of divorced..and he isnt an engineer which I made a guess when we had drinks on our first “date” and he said he “is”, coz he looks like one but I doubted coz he seems unconvincing when i asked about engineering stuffs and company, i observed him well enough to know he is definitely not one…turns out he is a Private Investigator, working in a police force in his country and he dont want to tell me coz he fear history repeats itself ( girls freaked out and leave him)..And being a pretty sharp observer, when we first got out I already saw his iPhone’s wallpaper was something of a woman with a kid – i asked him about this on the 1st day we dated and he said this is his brother’s phone coz his iPhone is getting an upgrade. When i found out on the night of the intense “Truth be told” conversation on the phone he told me that he’s an only child and grew up with loneliness – i quickly reminded him “oh, so much of ‘brother’s’ phone huh”..and he gave the same reason he dont want me to freak out, get angry and leave as we were having a good time. I was devastated and my heart was wounded when someone like him whom i had never ever lied to, and was being my truest self the whole time we met and i hide about nothing – but he lied..I don’t know why i could recollect myself to be “understanding” and again, give him a chance tho i reminded him that my trust in him would not be the same.

    Now, we have been in a long-distance relationship, as..i dont know what coz he didnt propose me to be his gf, coz of his status and his commitments with his kids and “ex wife”. But we both agreed that we loved one another and whatever we had was magical. It makes me feel bad inside somehow when I think of his ex wife, but he told me to ignore her and dont give a damn about her when i convinced him “u know..she pretty much still inlove with you”.
    It passed 4-6 weeks when he was here in my country, and things are changing a bit..noticing his usual calls on weekdays and weekends are starting to have a big gap, and when i took a step to go to his country last weekend just to visit him, for one day, with all the money i had saved (im just a 20 year old student and is like mummy’s girl ppl say), and i needed confirmation by wednesday, he kept saying he will try for me, but i was so disappointed in the end by thursday, i called the shot and canceled the trip. I was upset and very down for a few days and i gave him the emo and silent treatment, but he don’t really seem to put much effort to console me as he would before this…I find that sad. And even texting before which we would do throughout the day everyday, and he would ask me where i am as soon as i pick up my phone on random time during day as if to check where I am and who i am with..and he gets jealous when i am around male friends. I even really terminate full contact with my previous Love, which i dearly loved and i really got sick when we broke up just because he wants limitless intimacy, he was 28 and i refer to him as D for now. I left D the day after the previous night where A kept getting frustrated and restless about me loving him and “still loving and missing D (ex)”…he was not convinced. Cut this short – i re-left D again in terms of ANY contact at all – will be terminated..when before this we had on and off contacts by phone texts.. that was achievable after 8 months of total isolation from one another in terms of contacts.
    Now, with A, i dont know…I’m getting hurt coz I feel neglected coz he is so busy this days with his working schedule and with his kids. It is obvious and i understand that his kids are in his top priority – but i feel so low when come to think of it..I need his attention too, his love and his time..and being always unselfish, this time im have to be smartly selfish coz after all i am a human who need love too. i keep thinking in the future even if i marry him, IF, then he would still prioritize his kids and i had to be with the kids who arent my blood and meat, and it’s like a big sharing you know. And biasness is gonna be a big problem. And worst, now that i know Separated means literally live apart but still LEGALLY married, i feel so low and degraded and stupid and so dirty that I had kissed a married man, whom his wife (as i found out and keep track of her facebook) – still is pretty much in love with him.. and when asked about his facebook status is “Married” when he should have change to whatever, he said “dont want to depart on a bad note” blabla, and i caught him still wearing his wedding ring during webcam chat, i told him im uncomfortable with that sight and keep asking when he is getting a legal divorce – he said the ring is stuck (ohGod..*sigh*), and he said the law in his country is not within my knowledge that it takes time to finally get a divorce but it is on the way..i don’t buy this somehow..but i dont know why i keep holding on to him and i have warmed up my heart which i froze up after D left me and closed my heart, until A came in to my life.. but with his time-spent with me this past few weeks being so minimum and i keep getting hurt but I keep forgiving him after a few days, it makes me feel cold again and hate myself to love someone – and i feel my kindness is taken for granted once again… I feel i should let him go and let myself let go of him – i will be very upset and depressed for quite some time, but I had closed my chances of meeting others coz I am too stupidly loyal…I’m being too nice, as my friend told me, but i dont want to be a fool…Please, what do you think? He will be away from today until wednesday for some leadership camp…I wish to see if he tries to make a come back and cover up our empty slots in the past few weeks – but at the same time i just want live without false hope and pain..it’s not good for my health coz i have pretty serious Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar problem for years..but now that i am back on my feet, love always make me weak and i dont want to fall back and end up at some sick ward again…I need to be stronger, not weaker..do you think he is a lying to me big time? When i talk to him tho, in his eyes, there’s glimmer and shine i could not explain, so convincing, and he told me he is not a good liar – however, it makes me feel suspicious about this coz come to think again he is a well trained P.I, arent they suppose to master that skill somehow? Always so calm, collected, positive, not scared of direct eye contact, kinda smooth (first date he wipe off lasagna sauce at the corner of my mouth, pulled my chair for me, paid everything with card, get me to flow with him when on the 1st date he said “so u are my temporary gf for today” in a joking flirty manner and held my hand, and indirectly suggested a kiss in the movies, which i refused in directly too) :(…what is all this… 😦 please help me..Regarding age difference, it was never a problem..10 years of differences usually made them perfect for me..i enjoy intellectual talks and only this two men had reached my level and flow of conversations..

  43. OMG LMAO Is this woman actually ..I mean actually thinjks she is a victim? SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN!

    I don’t care what crap they spin you…THEY ARE MARRIED!

    They are gonna what ever it is you need to hear to make the affair legit, and ok. “Oh my wife this, my wife that…”

    DUH..you think he is gonna say “my wife is the most wonderful woman in the world ..my soulmate, amazing woman…i just want sex w you..that ok?”

    My ex had an affair…I never ever even looked at anyone else. father of my children…my dream…my best friend, soulmate..blah blah. Then i find he has been having affai for 1 1/2 yrs.
    YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT PAIN, HEARTACHE, NOT ONLY FOR ME BUT OUR CHILDREN. IT’S DEATH on many levels.

    NEWS FOR YA SWEETCHEECKS….YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ANY SYMPATHY..NONE..ZIP. yOU JUMPED IN BED KNOWINGLY WITH A MARRIED MAN AND NOW iT’S POOR YOU..HE HURT YOU TOO?

    UH REALLY NOW….HE WOULD CHEAT ON HIS WIFE AND RIP HIS FAMILY APART..BUT..GOLLY HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. hOW COULD HE?

    iGNORANT, SELFISH, AND MARRAIGE DESTROYER ( WELL HALF OF IT)

    lIFETIME OF PAIN TO YA..WHAT YOU DESERVE…HIS FAMILY ( GOD HELP YOU IF KIDS ARE INVOLVED)WILL HAVE IT FOREVER..

    • its hard to think about forgiveness now but i hope you can forgive this other women this way your heart will heal and you’ll be open up to recieve the love you deserve

    • Well I have to comment on this to no symapthy here.. you are a joke too. I agree with the previous comment. You as a married person thinks it so easy. You need to ask your self that question did you marry for love or did you married just because. I too have a child and I had an affair with a married man. Was I proud of it, hell no. Yes cheating is bad being with a married man.But yes just like the other women they too are victims too. Sweetheart it takes too to tangle. So just because either a man or woman who has cheated with a married person is not right. What is right. I personal feel the fault is the married person not the other person who is not married.. Lets see saying and taking vows or a promise before who ever you believe in and in front of family and friends wow shows true love. I you are proud of your man cheating on you for a year and in half. Sweetheart i dont give a damn if you were soulmate. For I guess I would never know because I wil never trust another man. I dont care if your a man of God. I trust no one. Stop covering on your mans mistake. Once a theif always I theif. For me a married man came after me. He came into my single life. Yes of coarse they are going to say things that any woman what to hear. Yes BS all of it. But you need to be more sensitive to also the other woman. Trust me my husband cheat it is out of life. Yes. I am a woman who really do not need a man. For me a man will have to earn his keep to be with me.

  44. I cheated on my wife with a fellow co-worker. she was easy, telling me daily about all her abuse, lack of love and missing a man, she had a husband, but she was confiding in me. My wife worked and traveled all the time, trying to better our finances. I ended up having an affair and God in heaven knows I wish I could take it back. Men will lie to get the sex. I didn’t even think of the OW when I left her place until the next time I went back for sex. She always used the “L” word,so to make sure I got what I wanted I used it to. I HAD NO INTENTIONS OF EVER BEING WITH THIS WOMAN… Even if my wife had left me – this wasn’t my type… Men do lie, I made her think I cared, I would send her a card every once in awhile to make sure I got what I wanted.. The only woman for me, is my wife. When she found out – she threatened to leave me, she still don’t care for me hardly at all, she says I ruined her life. The other woman wanted me – but I didn’t want her… I would rather stay with my wife, the love of my life, and not have love in return then to be with the other woman. She was “OK” in bed, but that’s all. So women if you are with a married man, rest assured he don’t want anything but sex. Ask him to introduce you to his friends, family, kids, etc.,, he won’t he is probably ashamed of you like I was of her..

    • I appreciate your honesty. I thought it was like that. I too messes around with a married man too yes a coworker. I know for a fact he would never leave her for me. I totally agree with that. Thats why I ended the affair as soon as I can first. So it wouldnt hurt that much.

  45. I HAD A AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN, HE WAS CHEATED ME , I WANT TO GET RID OF THIS LIFE , GIVE ME SOME ADVISES

  46. I would like to get married to a women with athlete figure and smart, and with degree of course. I play music, professionaly, preach, professionally too, never cheat, never married, never saw a naked girl. So, email me, and I will consider any proposition. Thanks.

  47. We worked together everyday for six years. All day from sun rise to sun set. There was no romance the first three years. I was passionate, young, naive and lived life to the fullest. Our job was hard and back breaking and we bonded as friends those first couple years. I trusted him as a friend and he used it against me. He was WAY older (20+ years) and he did all the pursuing, even after I told him many times how wrong it was and would constantly push him away. Because I was his friend and I trusted and I was young and I had never had a boyfriend or any type of relationship before I didn’t know that a sexual connection can make you more connected to a person than I ever thought possible. The sex just happened. Slowly but surely he pulled me deeper and deeper. I couldn’t resist. I tried. I broke it off with him a million times, but he would always find a way to get me back into his arms. He told me he loved me over and over. I fell in love with this #$%<&. I am SO mad at myself. My gut told me to run as fast as I could in the other direction, but because we were 'friends' he knew how to manipulate and control the situation. I was a virgin. He used me. UGH! Men like this need to die. Or at least I hope they get the karma they deserve. I would NEVER EVER dream of telling his wife because I could never be the destroyer of her life — even though I did destroy it in a way. I just hope one day she realizes she deserves better and he is alone for his dieing days. How could I even allow myself to get into a situation like this? I feel used. I feel like the scum of the earth because I couldn't say no. How could I be so stupid? I should have screamed no and ran. I wish it had never happened because I finally did run. And now I have to think every day about all the lies and how mentally mixed up I have become from the encounter. I cry all the time. I lost my job because like I said earlier we worked together. I believe I deserve this bad time now because in a way I did this to myself. I could have quit my job the first time it happened. My advice, Run as fast and as far away as you can from men like this because in the long run, it will mess you mentally more so than physically.

    (I edited out the cussing: Rod)

  48. Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out, he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see eachother. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me she would be there. I never talked to him again. He never called me again and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him, closer to my home than theirs, and giving me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The relationship (can I call it that?) between him and I was on and off for two years.
    I have guilt about it but I still have feelings for him. I do not contact him, sometimes I want to, but I fear his wife and I know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt totally wild for him, and he would respond as well. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you all think.

  49. i guess i have a similar story to share and would want counsel as well.
    when i was 18 and in college i met a 30 year old married man through one of the online dating sites . we were both sexually inclined. myself more so because i was exploring. the guy told me that he had a marital discord and so separated from his wife temporarily. he also had a daughter whom he loved a lot. we started getting emotianally involved and decided to meet up. we stayed together for two days and had sex. he left stating he would always be by my side but only wouldnt marry me. i was so much in love i decided i would never marry anyone if its not him. we were in different cities now. we used to talk on the phone. but after a couple of months his wife came back with their daughter and started staying with him. he asked me to be careful when i call him. i grew more and more insecured and could not bear to imagine him with her. he never understood it. he always called ours a platonic relationship. and my behaviour immature.

    i did not understand any of it. gradually he began ignoring me. three years of my college life i wasted after him. crying crying all the time. i used to skip my meals. miss my classes. ( i was studying medicine). one day after three years of coping with it i decided not anymore and i stopped trying his number (he had stopped taking my calls altogether)

    that was year 2006. it took me only a week to forget him. but i did not come out unscathed.

    today i’m 29 years old married to a wonderful person. getting married to my husband is the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in my life he loves me a lot and is damn honest with me.but my past always haunts me. i’ve started doubting my husband for nothing when i know he never hides anything from me…

    he is confused why do i behave like this. he doesnt know anything about my past. i cannot tell him. he would never forgive me for hiding anything from him for so long.(its been 8 months of our marriage) .if he is in office and doesnt take my call i start doubting him…if the mobile network fails i start doubting him.if he gets held up in a shop for something i start doubting him
    please help me i love my husband very much. but my past is not letting me keep him happy.
    what do i do.

  50. reading everyone comment gives me comfort. I too was involved with a married man. Yes, he works with me and for two years this man has always been on me about seeing me outside of work. Yes at first I took as a joke. It seems it is a like a scratched CD. I wish I never went the next level but I did. Its been about a week now. What started off as a innocent conservation to meeting up after work to having sex on both of our days off worked great. Here is my story that I would like to share. In my eyes he seems a nice and loving man. He is tall, dark, handsome and a sport type of guy. He talks to and listens to my crazy issues as being a women. Then the question popped “Hey when can I hit that,,hahaha then played a whole role that I had an admirer at work who wants to be with me. So like a dumb found idiot I gave him my number so he could give it to this secret admirer at work and yes my words were please tell me he is not married. His response to that was no worries he is not married. Divorce and is available. Well my history I am a single mother, been played by more than ten guys. Why I attract jerks. I have no clue. I think its my nature. Im outgoing, cool and yes I too enjoy sex. But this person I actually trusted. I talked to him only at work and not outside. Well things took a turn since the day he actually told me I am technically single. My son lives with me and my wife had here in this state and left back their home state. Strange but I said you want to talk to me like as a friend right. His response of coarse according to him after work he hangs out at a sports bar to watch sports. Hell I thought he drank too.. I was wrong. I arrvied there and we talked and then I ordered us drinks he declined and said I do not drink and that it has been years since he drank. I was shock and said okay, whats up. It was different we watched couple of games and then he started holding my hand. I was stunned to witness that and told him whats going on. He said I would love to see you again. Of coarse that night I was dumb founded and still in shock. I told myself is this really happening. I wasnt looking for anyone. I gave up on dating and searching for a man. I wanted to keep to myself. Well hormones kicked in. That night nothing happened but we did kiss in a passionate kiss which I for my past relationship never ever have a man hold me like that and kiss me like that. Weird. So everyweek and everyday since that day we would talk and text each other. He would call me to tell me he was thinking of me while he was with his brothers. But yes I gave in, He would buy me lunch and give me little gifts then we started meeting up a cheap motels for two hours to have sex. We would talk and laugh and then kiss and then he would text that he had a good time. At first I felt it was okay his wife wasnt living with him and she doesnt know then I thought about the his son. It wasnt fair to him. And for me honestly I really do not know the whole story about his wife and him. So Feburary 4th I have popped the question to him. Do you love me. NO RESPONSE. I texted him again do you care about me. NO RESPONSE. Then after awhile he it comes. HE STATES IN HIS TEXT….I AM LEGALLY MARRIED AND IF I WANT A PUBLIC RELATIONSHIP HE IS NOT THE ONE IF I WANT A RELATIONSHIP HE IS NOT THE ONE AND IF I AM NOT HAPPY WITH HIM HE UNDERSTANDS. so i reply. well may be I am wasting my time and effort trying to make time to be with. Maybe we should stop and I will delete your number and we can end it. HES REPONSE.. OKAY I WILL DELETE YOUR NUMBER TOO,, OKAY GOOD BYE PLAYA. And that was that. Today is Feburary 12,2011 and still he never called or text, Yes i have attempted to call, text and even try catching him at work. Why people wonder because I have feel guilty. I am not proud of myself. I just want to make things right between us. I do not expect for him to leave his wife. I just want the reason behind of it. WHY the hell did you talk to me. What the hell did i do to deserve to be treated this way. Worse he works with me. I hate going to work. He makes my job alot harder. Yes work is work and play is play. I take my job very serious. You can be an enemy of mines at work but when it come to work I put all my differences on the side to complete the task. But work seems to be an eternity. Half of my job involves communication and he will not acknowledge me. I say screw it. If he want to dodge me, not acknowledge me it all good. I know because I broke it off I did the right thing. I didnt mess with him for years but it was only seven months. I just had guilt eating at me because that wasnt the person who I am. I am a trustworthy person, loving and take morales and values very serious. Its sad that before all of this mess began he is really nice guy. Everyone respect him and thinks he is the greatest guy. He is quiet at work. Everything of coarse is sports sports. He has a wife according to him that one day she just left and she comes and goes as she please. I did once asked him like yesturday at work and all he said was I do not want to talk about it. Okay I respect that. Then its over. I expect to get him back any time soon or ever. I just feel bad that my work relationship went sour. I know i developed a unconditional love for him that I thought I would never ever love again. My trust for men completely zero. Because I do not care for men it doesnt make me a lesbian either. Which I respect and love the gay community. Gays are always happy they fight like normal couples but they are still happy. I know for me I felt I actually lost a friend more than a lover. But today I have decided to let it go. So it doesnt affect me as a person. Its funny guys like to flirt alot now i know. That is all it takes flirting. I will never ever do that again. And true being married to a guy is not about being in love. I guess I never have one created for my match. Its funny because I tried the Eharmony website and they couldnt even help me either. Its true also it okay to be alone and not healthy feeling alone. I have been depress and crying and yes I am not the guilty one. I have read different blogs on this and to all the married women out there who blames the other women like me its not my fault your man decided to mess. True half of the women might know that this man is married and its a thrill for them but I am speaking about the percent of women who get caught up in this bad act of infidelity. I can not agree that you do not know that your man been cheating. But no one can sit there and judge. I hate that it happened but it did. It does not make me a low person or a cheap whore. It is a new step of recovery. I hate to say it but I do not trust no man. I know there are alot of men in the sea but I choose not be with no one at all. NO man , no sex, and no drama. Today is a new day.

  51. i just had sex with a marry man i know it was wrong but when we was together he act like he did have sex with his wife no more.and he also told me he did not i really did not believe him .but i did it anyway and i regret it you see i have had sex with anyone in 4 years because i though that would change my luck in the of bad relationship back in those years .i know he lies i wish i can had it to do over again it would not had happen. believe me i have ask the lord to forgive me i cry when i got home and then i pray i will never do that again i feel so bad about it i am going to pray to god to send me someone loving caring and love me don’t lies and cheat and marry that what they do to get some i fall for the the banana in the tail pipe i know better when call again i just tell him keep it move i had been talking over the phone for almost 3 years off in on he call my buff the sad es part of it all we grow up together he was 10 yrs. old i was 8yrs. old when we met we went together when we teen for a short .time when we had sex it had been 20 yrs seen then it not that i was hot for sex did not want it

  52. I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. The difference I suppose, is he has never said he will leave his marriage, or me, mine. Actually I am constantly worried at the risks he takes, I know he loves his family and his wife, and I know it would absolutely destroy him tonloose them. We do not talk abouf our partners, there is no excuses, and in a way, I feel talkng about your other is more a breach of trust than having sex. Do I love him? Yes, insanely. Does it hurt me that I have to hide this, and make me feel that each of us are lessened and cheapened by what we do?? Yes also.

    So I will break it off, as I can’t live with the guilt and fear anymore. It’s not the sex( as we are rarely together) it’s the friendship and intimacy. But if I don’t, both of us will regret it. And maybe one day, we will be friends. Do I feel bad about his wife? He’ll yes! Am I eaten up with guilt over my husband? Definatly. I also feel that love comes knocking in the strangest ways, it’s up to us to deal with it. We all make mistakes, are looking for something, and if we can use the pain of forbidden love to become better people , to those who love, trust and count on us, and ourselves, then it has been worth it. So you people out there, with a man or woman telling you their marital woes, see it as a red flag. I trust my married man, simply becuse he never lied to me, or led me on.

    • Your thoughts about “your” married man (he’s no more yours than is the man in the moon) and your husband, expressed in yesterday’s column, are a fine illustration of three things:

      1. Love, and the illusion of it, often makes a person blind. You appear unaware that every time you are together he, whom you claim has never lied to you or led you on, is lying to you. That he is lying to his wife (with whom he has a covenant and legally recorded relationship) means he can as readily lie to you (with whom he has no legal relationship at all). You are duping each other no matter how well you dress it up in your head.
      2. It’s next to impossible to convince the already convinced. It is unlikely you will take any guidance very seriously while you believe this “love” has come “knocking” to teach you something worth learning. Improving your skills at ducking, diving, hiding, and lying never led anyone to deeper intimacy, more openness, greater warmth, and appropriate vulnerability.
      3. The human mind is capable of gigantic twists to rationalize its dilemmas. It is a crock to think this “love” is teaching you to better love others while you are at the same time deceiving these very same people.

  53. this is my probleam;i know i am able to justify in my head when love is concerned,so i am trying to concentrate on structure.
    in sept.of 2010 i fell in love. i am 59,she 49. on our second date she told me had had an affair with a married man for 9 years.
    it ended in july.

    if it matters,her history[as told to me];married 17 years,affair started while separated for year before divorce.
    at the time it kind of washed over me;perhaps because i am the child of an affair[which i told her].

    i hate cheating;that’s what broke up my last relationship 20 years ago[hers,not mine]

    the thing is,i know myself,and i did not fall in love because of loneliness;i fell in love because it was her

    everything between us in every way is a 10 on a a scale of 1 to 10;she told me i am the only person she has ever told.
    i was impressed[and still am] that she told me on our second date;i see no way i would ever have known without her telling me.
    she said she told me because she loved me and knew if somehow i found out it could ruin us.

    i am not the easiest person to deal with and she has been an angel to me in every way.

    i have no idea way,but it has bothered me more and more[maybe because of being the child of an affair;i did not know my parents were not married till after my mother’s passing[she single my father married]

    she seems to be sincerely remorseful,says everyday she asks for forgiveness,explained to me the emotional progression of how it happend
    [they worked together;still do] this bothers me,however,in my gut i trust her,and love or not,i’m not a very trusting person.

    i don’t want to lose her by being an idiot;i also don’t want to be a fool.

    everthing she does and everyway she communicates indicates to me how much she loves me.

    i cannot explain what a cynic i am and how loving she has been to me;this is not said to be in denial;this is how it has been.

    i don’t want to ruin this because of my ”man stuff”.

    i ESPECIALLY want to hear from women about this;i don’t want the angry replys,however i also want to be hit square between the eyes
    with things i need to hear that i don’t want to hear[if they are ther to be said]

    please help

    thank you:john

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