Archive for June 26th, 2008

June 26, 2008

Reader seeks help……

by Rod Smith

(ORIGINAL POSTER: send me an email and I will talk to you on the phone. Rod Smith)

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but I hope to get some feedback….

[I trust many readers will let you know what they think — you will find my comments inserted preceded by my initials, RES)

I am involved with a married man, we have been together 1yr & 8mths. We have known each other about 4yrs.

We started out as friends and kinda “ended up”….

[RES: You clearly both avoided many “warning”signs which would have alerted you to the fact that each of you was engaged in something that was going nowhere worth going.]

…something more… Now we have a 5-month-old daughter together. He told his wife everything a few weeks before I had our daughter, she called and had a whole lot of obviously nasty things to say.

[RES: This is quite a place to “end up.” Of course his wife had a lot to say. Did you expect anything less?]

Her mother called me also…

Anyway I live with my family still, and the phone calls have affected them all.

[RES: And your ‘mutual’ behavior has affected them all, too.]

His in-laws threaten to go to church to tell them of what is going on.

The man … I’ll call him R, left the apartment he and his wife were living in, however he just moved upstairs by his parents. His wife wants to work things out but he says that he does not want to be with her anymore. He says things got too bad and does not think they can salvage anything. He says that they had lots of problems before I came into the picture and that they would have ended in divorce any which way. [RES: waiting for this to be the case might have been a healthier response from you.] I am not the first person he has had an affair with but when everything blew up he said that I was the first…. I am the first he has been “serious” with however, the first he has had strong feelings for (these are his words).

[RES: I’d suggest this is rather “serious” but the man is clearly not very “grown up” or responsible.]

They do not have any kids together. What should I do here? I know I cannot change the wrong I have already done, but I want to do right.

[RES: It is pleasing that you finally want to do “right” although there is a lot to try and correct].

Do I leave him?

[RES: You do not HAVE him!!! — he has you, but you do not have him.]

I want the phone calls to stop harassing my family. He is looking for somewhere else to live but has not found anywhere yet. We have a baby together this really complicates the situation. I do not want my daughter to be put in the middle of all of this because she is innocent.

[RES: you can want all you want, but she IS in the middle of all this and she IS innocent]

I do love him in spite of all this.

I am really confused!

[RES: I agree.]

My dad was murdered 2 years and 2 months ago,

[RES: I am very sorry]

I am still trying to deal with that, which I know I have not. Could all this have started because I was looking for a distraction from dealing with my dad’s untimely death… R does remind me of my father, he is hardworking and has a lot of similarities ……

[RES: your father’s death is a horrible event but I’d suggest you not try to place any blame upon this for YOUR behavior.]

Please give me some advise, I feel as though I am losing it.

[RES: in many ways I’d suggest you have “lost it” but there is ALWAYS hope — both for you and your daughter and for the man and his wife.]

RES SUGGESTIONS: just a few for starters….

1. Get face-to-face help for YOURSELF and not for the “relationship,”

2. Become involved in a loving and open community so your daughter is able to find her feet within a loving a supportive community (quite apart from whatever her father may choose to do).

3. Be sure to secure the legal financial support the father is expected to pay so the child may make the best of a tough beginning.