February 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
A few times a week our son (6) comes to our bed in the night or very early in the morning. Sometimes I am so tired I have no resistance and let him sleep with us. Other times I get up and take him to his bed. I am more concerned about this than my husband is. He says it is no big deal and that he will grow out of it. It is the inconsistency that worries me. Please advise. (Edited)
Relax. Worrying too much can keep you up at night! Your son sleeps in his own bed some nights of the week, and comes to you regularly, but not always. Based on this, I’m going to go with your husband’s attitude.
Persist. Send the child back to his own bed as often as possible, and when you don’t, let him enjoy the warmth and the welcome a loving mother and father offer.
The less fuss you make, the less attention you draw to this matter, the quicker the boy will transition to waking up everyday in his own room.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Family, Parenting/Children, Space |
1 Comment »
February 19, 2008
by Rod Smith
Many would agree with your suggestion that relationships fraught with the symptoms listed in your article (Feb 17) need of renewal. Could you advise what options for renewal are available to a “recipient” of the symptoms described?
When relationships suffer the source is seldom only one partner. It takes two to tangle! (No, I do not mean “tango.”)
The points read “both ways” – there are usually two “perpetrators,” two “victims” – both words are too strong in moderately problematic relationships – and so both persons have “renewal work” to do.
Here’s a start: Stand up. Speak up. Remove guesswork. Stop mind reading. Refuse participation in what you know is destructive. Behave in healthy, unexpected ways. Stay out of control!
If there are proverbial eggshells: dance on them. If something is niggling: find a time to address it. Remember the only things that disappear if you ignore them are you teeth: all the rest stays or goes into hiding and waits to attack you at a later date.
Full (complete, healthy, invigorated, vocal) people are easier to love than vacated shells! Work on yourself. Identify how you allowed yourself to be disrespected.
The fire that returns will either re-ignite your relationship, or destroy it. Both options, I believe, surpass the quiet, destructive virus of relational indifference.
Posted in Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
February 18, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. When we’re fighting he phones old girlfriends, won’t answer his phone, is extremely verbally abusive, and minimizes our relationship (because we’re not married). He mocks and makes fun of me if I cry. He has destroyed my belongings and stays out all night. He calls a woman behind my back, and faults me for not trusting him. He stayed at her house on one of his ‘all-nighters’ (I found him there). He calls me controlling and says he won’t be told who he can speak to.” (Very minimal edits)
Here we go again! You are an expert in HIS behavior, yet seem blind to yours. Apparently after all this trauma, conflict, jealousy, snooping around, raised voices and humiliating behavior performed by each of you – YOU keep going back for more!
Let the man go on his immature, pathological way. Don’t hold him back. Oh, I know. I am going to get letters telling me I am blaming the victim, that moving out is not that easy, and love will prevail – but this “relationship” (actually it is nothing more than furious-fusion) will never survive. The sooner you pack your bags (or dump his out the door) the better.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Victims, Violence, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
If you can hear the voice of a spouse of lover saying any of the following 10 points to you, I’d suggest your relationship could use some renewal.
Don’t say you love me and then…
- Disregard (write off, refuse to consider) what I say, think, and feel.
- Demand from me, or try to manipulate me into, sexual acts I do not want.
- Offer me less times and energy than you give to your most casual acquaintances.
- Refuse to initiate or participate in respectful and helpful conversations.
- Avoid initiating mutual, regular physical, mutually desired, intimacy.
- Hold grudges for years, bring up old issues time again, and hit me with things I thought were long forgiven and forgotten between us.
- Abandon me (physically or emotionally) with the responsibility of rearing our children under the guise of supporting the family. I need you to support the family AND help with the children – this is what adults, who are parents, do.
- Blind-side me with the unexpected: unpaid debts, hidden activities, unusual expenditures, and secret, inappropriate liaisons.
- Avoid “alone” time with me.
- Belittle me in any manner, let alone in front of our family and friends.
Posted in Attraction, Trust, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
February 13, 2008
by Rod Smith
“A diabetic family member injects himself with insulin several times a day. He exposes his belly and then administers his dose using a pen-like syringe. He often does this at the table and at family gatherings, which I don’t have an issue with. However, he also does it openly in public at restaurants and I get terribly embarrassed! I’m not quite sure what my issue is; I think it is the fact that he is doing something which I feel should be private (like clipping toenails or flossing teeth) in an inappropriate setting. Am I being silly and uncaring? It would be easier to broach this subject with him if I was confident of my stand, as I would hate to run the risk of hurting him if I am the one who needs help to correct a bad attitude! What do you think?”
I do not believe you are being silly or uncaring. He is, in my opinion, being crass and insensitive. If the man can find his way into a restaurant, he can make his way to the gents (men’s room, restroom, WC, loo, bathroom – depending on where you are reading this!) to administer his insulin. Addressing him directly, privately, firmly, and graciously, will probably have your whole family (even those who claim it doesn’t bother them) sighing with relief!
(4/25/09) I am sorry. You (the past two readers leaving helpful comments) are correct. My response as published above was indeed ignorant and insensitive. I regret the advice given now that I have had these responses and done some further thinking on the matter. I am pleased to say that this particular column had received very little traffic until now. I could delete it but I am not going to do that. I will leave it in this space, with your comments, so others may see my insensitivity and we (others who are also insensitive) may continue to learn about an issue abut which I clearly displayed much ignorance. Please accept my apologies, and let’s continue the dialogue.
Posted in High maintenance relationships, Voice |
4 Comments »
February 13, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband is bipolar and for almost all of our married life he has shown severe aggression whilst driving. The slightest irritation on the road would cause him to exhibit road rage. He would most often tailgate and show aggressive signs to other drivers. I have known him to get out of his vehicle to remonstrate with other motorists, without fear of his life or the safety of others, including my own or our young family. The slightest intake of breath on my part would make him angrier, and he would be even more reckless. I often felt as though a gun was being held to my head, except that the weapon was the motor vehicle. Other than not to travel with him for months on end, I felt trapped. I had thoughts of going to the Metro Police to report him, but feared repercussions. What steps I should have taken? Due to illness he no longer drives. Please Rod, what could I, or should I have done?”
This is a tough call. Bi-polar or not, no one has the right to endanger his family and others. Staying out of the car was a good thing to do! Readers, please, send your suggestions!
Posted in Anger, Reactivity, Violence, Voice |
11 Comments »
February 11, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am sorry I have facilitated your insecurities by allowing your jealousy to influence my behavior. I will try not to do this anymore. It is not good for either of us. Walking on egg-shells is not how I like to spend my energy.”
“Going out to dinner with my friends (daughter, son, mother, father, brother, sister) is something I like to do and I sometimes like to do it alone. You are perfectly capable of understanding that having other important relationships does not mean I am rejecting you. Healthy adults can keep many relationships going at the same time. Why don’t you try it sometime?”
“We are each better off when honest, even if what we have to say is painful. Keeping you happy is too large a task for me. I hereby give that responsibility back to you. Anger, resentment, and the failure to forgive – all fruits of jealousy – are individual pursuits. You have to take care of this on your own. I am not going to interfere with your journey by trying to resolve your issues for you.”
“To love you is to stay out of your control. I’d rather have no relationships than relationships that inhibit who I am.”
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
February 10, 2008
by Rod Smith
Jealousy will remove purity from your relationship. Since jealousy expresses the very opposite of trust, once the jealousy virus entrenches itself (which it usually does perversely in the name of love) you and your relationship will become something you do not want to be. Freedom will be displaced by resentment.
The jealous person will behave in ways other than preferred and will become progressively controlling, demanding, and quite unattractive. In response, the victim will begin to behave in ways other than preferred, and, over time, will lose his or her self-respect. Love that might once have existed will be replaced with resentment and regret.
Of course, he or she can’t be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when driven by jealousy. And, of course, the “victim” of jealousy cannot be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when he or she knows suspicious eyes are monitoring every move.
To be free, and if the individuals and the relationship are to survive, the virus has to be named, exposed, expelled, and then consistently resisted. The victim must learn to refuse to obey its demands and must remain out of control. The perpetrator must learn that the behavior he or she believed would sustain the relationship will rip it to irreparable shreds.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
February 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Blind you from the real issues you and your family are facing.
2. Distort your thinking either by amplifying or by minimizing the real issues.
3. Make you inordinately suspicious of others and so you create “necessary” enemies.
4. Make you inordinately trusting of a few in whom you place all your trust.
5. Suck all the energy out of you so you can hardly function, or,
6. Shift you into a high gear of over-functioning (doing for sake of doing) until you all but collapse in exhaustion.
7. Make you overly nice (superficially pleasant, kind, or generous) in order to keep people from wondering what is really going on with you.
8. Isolate you from the people who love you so that you are “outside” of the walls of your own helpful, loving community.
9. Keep you up at night so you are rendered too tired to function well during the day.
10. Drive you to temporary relief found in substances, alcohol or unhelpful sexual or damaging religious activity.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
February 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am a single mother with a teenage daughter. This is very tough: earning a living, trying to be available for school activities, trying to have a life of my own, and trying to make up for the absent father who could get in his car and visit occasionally but chooses not to do so – claiming it upsets his new wife. Now my daughter is at an age where her friends are much more important than her family and yet, while I want her to be free, I also do not want to lose the sense of family we do have. Please help.” (Letter shortened)
Your load is not an easy one. I’d suggest you allow the natural process of separation to occur while also keeping some semblance of a schedule that allows your family to remain in tact. Get your focus off what dad is not doing. Celebrate your daughter’s growth, her desire for friendships. Make it easier for her to find her feet apart from what you have known together. Create some flexible arrangement where you share a meal or a movie on a somewhat regular basis. Enjoy your own freedom in the midst of domestic demands. This will offer your daughter something attractive to call home.
Posted in Single parenting, Teenagers, Voice, Womanhood |
2 Comments »
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