Author Archive

June 23, 2009

How can I get him to talk about marrying me?

by Rod Smith

“I have been seeing a man for two years. We’re both in our early thirties. I really want to get married but he never talks about. How can I get him to talk about marrying me and about where this relationship is going? We need more communication.”

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com


1.“No communication” is impossible. You are missing what is already being said. Couples often think the issue is “more communication” and fail to hear what is already being communicated. He is “telling” you that he has no interest in being married to you.
2. The passive “partner” runs the relationship. The frustrations you already feel will become life long frustrations if you do marry. If you have to work this hard before you are married do you think being married will be any easier? There’s power in being passive and he’s got it. You’re working this thing as if your life depends on it and he is silent.
3. The harder you work, the more passive he will become. He has all the power and leverage because, in seeking it, you have given it to him. This is a simple, albeit perverse, law of relationships.
4. He has already decided where this relationship is “going.” You get to decide if you will go “nowhere” with him.
5. Can it be redeemed? Perhaps. Start by completely backing off. Emulate his passivity. It might jump-start him into action. Then again, it might not.

June 22, 2009

“Support” Group – how to be sure you never grow up

by Rod Smith

Take up your life

Take up your life

Marsha is divorced. When she walks through the door her divorce follows her like a bridal train. Trampled, it catches on every door keeping her from new beginnings.

“Hello, I’m Marsha,” she says looking at the group, “I don’t think you could like me very much. I cannot get over my husband of six years. If I work at it you will also abandon me.” She turned to the person next to her indicating politely that she was done introducing herself.

“I’m Kyle, thirty going on twelve. I don’t do relationships very well. It’s my dad. He drank a lot. Don’t expect me to be responsible, reasonable or respectful. If I get over him what will I do about my identity? It’s not so nice to meet all of you. You remind me of my dad.”

“Martin here,” he says, stepping into the middle of the room, “I had teachers who expected a lot from me. They gave me homework, expected me to read for myself. Cruel teachers. They are the reason I’m an underachiever today. They’re the reason I cannot hold down a job. I think I’ll sue.”

“Annabel is my name. I hate spring. It means summer’s coming. I’ll have to go outdoors and see people. Grandma had favorites. I wasn’t one of them. She’s why I don’t go out and I don’t like the sun. If it wasn’t for her, I’d be fun.”

“When I know you a little better you can know my name,” she says skirting the room, “Ok, I’ll chance it. My name is May. My neighbors made fun of me when I was growing up. It’s their fault that I cannot stay with one man. I need constant approval. Not like June over there.”

“Thanks May, I can handle this myself. I’m June. I have got to smoke to calm my nerves (dad smoked), drink to ease my boredom (mom drank) and cuss to get my way (my husband taught me to cuss). It’s the government. They do not treat me very well. Expecting me to work is the most unfair thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Move over June. I am Bob. I have got something to say. I’d be thin if it wasn’t for all those commercials for food all around America. I think I’ve got a case here. My health’s in trouble yet they keep advertising those tasty hamburgers. Anyone got a lawyer friend who wants to do pro bono?”

“I’m Anthony. What are you all doing away from your TVs? Get back in there. How will you ever know who survived, who died, who loved, who married their brother’s ex-wife the third time around. How do you expect to know anything if you keep getting away from the TV?”

“Dakota’s my name. I’ve got a very rare disease that cannot be named. But I am really tired of all this expectation placed on me. My dad just says I’m lazy, but what would he know, he’s worked all his life.”

Glen, who doesn’t talk, steps forward. Once he said something funny, people laughed so he’s never talked again in public. He’s waiting for an apology from somewhere before he moves on.

Norman doesn’t stand still. He’s high. He’s so high you do not want to get in his way. It’s the dealers who got to him. Drugs were just way too available and now he is not.

“I’m Doug, the group leader. With introductions complete, let’s begin with our group meditation:

‘Keep me mindful of my woes
And all who stepped upon my toes
Let my life be full of blame,
So I can always stay the same.’”

June 22, 2009

Moms Matter

by Rod Smith

Take up your life

Take up your life

Readers regularly ask me for lists of local professionals and resources. While scouring the Web for helpful family resources in Kwa-Zulu Natal I came upon an inspiring, innovative enterprise for Mothers at http://www.MomsMatter.co.za. Go there. Moms, dads, grandparents, teachers, and mental health practitioners, sign up. It’s free! Get the newsletter. Join the community. I believe you will be inspired by the warm welcome and the array of attractive things available for mothers AND fathers AND families right on your doorstep.

The website, initiated and facilitated by Deborah Andrews, is doing its job of connecting mothers with opportunities, mothers with each other, and tries to make life a little easier for all in the midst of rearing children of all ages.

Writes Deborah: “It may be a kid’s world ‘out there’ but Moms Matter too! We strive to provide access to resources that can help make your lives a little easier with heaps of stuff you need to know all in one place.” The site includes a comprehensive holiday activity guide for the mid-year break with tons of suggestions of things for families and children to do. It’s a website created by a Mom for Moms who sees that “we’re all in this mommy-thing together!”

June 21, 2009

Easing the impact of divorce for children (if it is possible)…

by Rod Smith

Help your child take up his or her life... despite your divorce.

Help your child take up his or her life... despite your divorce.

Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorce and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself, and the process of adjustment, all impact family members. When divorce is regarded as a process, and not an event, the impact is likely to be somewhat eased. Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children. It is worthwhile noting that remaining married is often easier than becoming divorced. There will be times when being divorced (from a person) is more difficult than being married (to that same person). Assuming no sexual abuse or violence has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by both adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce:
[The writer assumes the reader understands age and development appropriateness]

1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis. We will not hold it as something vague or secretive.
2. We are divorced (are no longer husband and wife) but we remain your parents.
3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.
4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding. (Ignore if not true).
5. We will always help and protect you and willingly cooperate with each other concerning you.
6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will restore our marriage.
7. We will say nothing negative about each other, ever, anywhere, and to anyone. We will “hold our peace” with each other once the legal aspects of the divorce are over.
8. We will not use you as a go-between (message bearer, mail-carrier, anxiety lightening rod) between us.
9. When you face inevitable choices, we will clearly communicate with you about your options. When this is impossible, we will tell you why it is impossible.
10. When choices cannot be made easier, we will do all we can to make them clearer. You will always have as much choice as your age can accommodate.
11. We will support each others values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.
12. We want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not mean you will failure at life (or marriage, or child-rearing, or school, or politics, or staying sober).
13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about your family and about you.
14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate.
15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents. (Ignore if untrue. Let this be a goal if it is untrue).
16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life. Accepting and loving a stepparent some day, will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person “mother” or “father” without resistance from either of your parents.
17. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet, all at one table, to discuss matters relating to you.
18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.
19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people have had divorced parents and have made successes of their lives. You can do the same.

June 20, 2009

His lover is alcohol…

by Rod Smith

“My father cheated on my beautiful mother for many years. He married the 100th ‘affair.’ For 25 years she never dated again, never said a word, but loved him all her life. I am married for the third time: met my husband two years ago, moved to another continent, gave up everything to be with him. My ‘knight in shining armor’ has not told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, but he might as well have. The emotional abuse is terrible; the things that are said remain in my heart like a knife. I try to forgive and forget. I am in a strange country, have no friends and nobody to turn to. Why do we take this? I see myself as a strong, independent woman, but lately have turned into a quivering, blubbering please-don’t-hurt-me idiot. My husband’s ‘lover’ is alcohol and I cannot compete. I am in new country, alone, still trying to hang on.” (Edited)

Take up your life

Take up your life

Your parents’ sad past is irrelevant. I will agree that it is interesting since it appears that you and your mother are (and were) willing to put up with disregard and indifference from the men on your lives, but knowing this will not help you out of this current situation. The knight you most need is the one living within you. In the stark reality of any day soon, summon your independent nature, take responsibility for your decisions and actions (the ones that got you here), and begin to plan our way out of victim-hood. You can do this. The reserves of strength are in you. How do I know? Well, moving countries is not easy, even if you were in the arms of whom you thought to be a knight in shining armor. And, in the midst of your trauma, pain, and unhappiness, you accessed this website, wrote a letter to other readers of these posts – and, while this is common, it does take some savvy. You have it, dear reader. You have all it takes to get yourself out of this and deliver yourself to your home-turf just as you had what it took to get yourself into this in the first place. TAKE UP YOUR LIFE!

June 20, 2009

The enriched pastor…

by Rod Smith

Pastor, take UP your life!

Pastor, take UP your life!

Enriched is the Pastor who…

1. Has the support, trust, and the encouragement of the congregation even when unpopular decisions become necessary.
2. Doesn’t have to combat or interpret a political minefield within the immediate leadership team and community in order to get meaningful work accomplished.
3. Is sufficiently aware and respectful of the congregation’s history, yet does not allow the history to compromise its future.
4. Is not surrounded by “yes” men and women who, in their inability to appropriately stand up to the pastor, have lost their capacity to think and, as a result of their misplaced loyalties, foster significant disruption in the community. [It’s PEACEMAKERS, not PEACEKEEPERS you want as co-leaders, pastor!]
5. Identifies the inevitable “lunatic fringe” existing in every community and can therefore effectively resist their agendas, ignore and expose their rumors, and be aware of their proclivity to disrupt and damage communities.
6. Is not engulfed by church members who use religious talk, money or threats to implement their will or their understanding of God’s will.
7. Is not too busy to have meaningful daily contact with his family.
8. Knows the most dissatisfied (loud, religiously aggressive, “conspiracy driven”) people in the congregation are usually those who are already unhappy at home and who are already difficult to live with.
9. Does not sacrifice his family or personal life for the sake of the congregation, knowing that success at home and church are inextricably connected.
10. Knows that self-care, self-preservation, self-awareness, are essential, in fact crucial to his or her leadership of a community, and that self-care, self-preservation, and self-awareness are the very antithesis of selfishness despite the chorus (in fact, it is usually the most “needy” members of the choir!) of persons who will try to dissuade him or her otherwise.
11. Knows that the essence of “giving up his or her life” or “laying down his or her life” for the sake of Jesus and the Gospel requires incredible self-knowledge, self-awareness, and self-preservation, in order that he or she may honestly, and with full integrity, make a meaningful gift of self to the service of God and God’s Kingdom.
12. Knows that it is as important for him/her to stay grounded in reading Scripture as it is for him or her to be able to see when he/she is being TRIANGLE-D, and of course, how to get out of it.
13. Knows that so-called “burn out” is not a product of hard work but a product of getting him/herself in the middle of other people’s unresolved problems and issues (or, to be perhaps blunt, to NOT mind his/her own business!)
14. Knows that morality and integrity are about understanding his or her BOUNDARIES and NOT about his or her KNOWLEDGE, or training, success, or the size of the congregation.
15. Understands the fallacy of empathy as a helpful or useful means to growing his/her team for a strong future.

June 19, 2009

Therapist, if you really want to help a family…

by Rod Smith

Therapist, take up YOUR life!

Therapist, take up YOUR life!

Look for whomever is the most Self-Differentiated: this is not necessarily because they do “good” things. Who is able to express their own voice in the family apart from the togetherness pressures? This person is KEY to the system’s health. They might be the person able to UNDERSTAND what you are all about even if they do not / cannot agree or cooperate. This person may well be the “identified patient.” Listen as much as you can but only focus on process. This means watch for the HOW and WAY (manner in which things occur) not the WHAT, the WHY, and the WHO. Remembering that all behaviors have meaning but not all meaning is necessary for your understanding. In other words knowing that all behavior has meaning on your part is more important than uncovering the meaning behind a client’s (family’s) behavior. Remember that one person’s behavior in a family is somehow everyone’s behavior (and to a lesser degree including yours!) I am thinking here along the lines of everyone is, in a way implicated, with all social problems.

It takes MONTHS to build a relationship even in the BEST of circumstances with WILLING participants. Your work is hard because you are going against every natural grain in the manner in which relationships work. F (your court appointed client) is supposed to avoid you, J (the mother on probation) is supposed to stand you up. Your arrival at the door (for your home-based and court authorized visit) is the most brazen act of relational suicide you could commit. It is a MIRACLE you get allowed in at all. The client’s natural mechanisms scream “Enemy” because of the role within which you function within the system. Once you overcome that you CAN do good work and be really in relationship but it is almost deemed not to LOOK like what the system is asking for. What the system (Child Protection Services) is asking for is the equivalent of wanting a square sphere or a round triangle. Somethings are just not possible but what is possible is BETTER by far! What is possible is …… people begin to see they captain their own ships…and…. their future is in their own hands….. and….

You are likely to do the best work when:

+ you yourself are Self Differentiated (this is no light call. Please study this most misunderstood concept). It is not just BEING DIFFERENT,

+ when you take no sides (even against the system i.e. CPS, Juvenile Justice, Dad, Mom,)

+ when you are non-anxious about the anxious family and anxious system,

+ when you are playful without malice, sarcasm, or pretension, or any whiff of superiority

+ when you track process and help the family or individual to track process,

+ when you nourish your own needs with loving care.

Rod E. Smith 11-03-99 (Written to home-based and court authorized therapists)

June 18, 2009

Taking up life after severe loss….

by Rod Smith

“Thank you for your column that appeared 18 June 2009. I have been feeling particularly sorry for myself after the death of my wife 18 months ago. The added responsibility of bringing up a family on my own and holding down my job has made me feel this way. I guess it is just time to grow up and get over myself at my age? You are so right. I am the only person who can change my life!”

This letter makes it worth it.

This letter makes it worth it.

It is your letter that makes the hours I sit at this computer worthwhile. Yes. It is deeply sad that your wife will die at any age, especially at a young age. Yes, it is deeply difficult to simultaneously rear children, hold down a job, and mourn great loss. Metaphorically speaking you have been hit by several buses and have much reason to feel sorry for yourself. But, it will probably not be helpful to you to remain in a condition of feeling sorry for yourself. Of course grief is absolutely necessary and appropriate. Dwelling the rest of your life in a state of grief will certainly not be helpful to you, your children, to the memory of your wife, or to anyone with whom you work.

June 17, 2009

School Rules…

by Rod Smith

A little health on your part can shift an entire community...

A little health on your part can shift an entire community...

For teachers and adults who work at schools (applies also to offices, mission organizations, churches):

1. Mind your own business – you know, the tasks you are employed to complete.

2. Take care of every aspect of your own job before you give time to noticing what someone else is, or is not, doing.

3. Never initiate or perpetuate gossip of any kind – it is always a sign that you are avoiding your own stuff, trying to deflect the attention off something you are hiding.

4. Tell the truth. Anything less will ultimately run you down.

5. Apologize when necessary and try to learn from your mistakes.

6. Get “you need” and “you must” and “you should” out of your vocabulary when you are talking to adults. Children need guidance and instructions. Trust the adults around you to be adult.

7. Stand up to anyone who asks you to do something unethical or immoral.

8. Thank and affirm people who are doing a good job in a manner that gets the person the greatest amount of positive exposure. Resist affirming others to make yourself look good. Teachers seem particularly good at this. (“I want to thank Joe for the wonderful work he does -at making me look even more wonderful.”)

9. Resist frequent reference to your past personal achievements and how long you have been in education. Unfortunately, no one is really interested and, besides, it gets really tiresome.

10. Realize you are at school to work. You are not at school to make friends, or to ease your loneliness or find your lost childhood. You are there to work and feed and support your family and to further the goals of the school.

June 16, 2009

Take up your life….? (Becoming more personally responsible for your own life)

by Rod Smith

You frequently write: “steel yourself” and “hold onto yourself” and “take up your life.” What do you mean?

Take up your life

Take up your life

Your problems cannot be “solved” or “fixed” by reading this or any column. In fact, they will not be “fixed” even if you read this column, watch Dr. Phil daily and visit a therapist on a weekly basis. These would be, at best, helpful catalysts. At worst, you’d be wasting a lot of time and using yet another means to avoid facing your issues.

The “answer” to your life’s issues (if there is one – you might have to go with an approximation), no matter how large they may appear to you, or how trivial they may appear to others, always rests first with you. Healing begins when you gather up your metal, brace yourself for change, and decide to “take a hold of yourself” and address head-on the problems and complexities you face. “Steeling yourself” is gathering your strength (even if it is minimal) to do what you must do to begin your own process of recovery, healing, or untangling from unhelpful entanglements.*

Even if you have been a victim, grew up in severely adverse circumstances, and both your parents were alcoholics while you were destitute and hungry, your healing and maturity pivots, not on more sympathy, more empathy, or more understanding. it is not “out there” in some book you are yet to read, or on some website you are yet to discover, some guru you are yet to run into, or on some lover you are looking to meet. It is ALWAYS dependent on your acknowledgment of your role in how your life has unfolded (your response to whatever has happened, is currently happening, and will happen to you) and will continue to unfold. It is dependent on you shedding yourself of ALL “victim thinking” and of ALL blame. It is ALWAYS dependent on you taking personal responsibility for your decisions as much as you are able at THIS time (now, today!). This is what I mean by “take up your life.”

I am very aware of this being an unpopular message in an age and a time when “quick-fixes” are offered at every click of the mouse, pointing of the remote, and book shelves abound with every Tom, Dick, and Sally’s offer to deliver you into a perfectly fulfilling life. Sorry, it just doesn’t work like that. Until you become your own “Knight in shining armor” you might always remain a “damsel in distress,” albeit an insightful one!

* For me, a helpful metaphor is to imagine a diver on the edge of a high diving board. He or she STEELS him or herself before taking the leap.